Hate being asked what I do

[EggDaisy]

AIBU to think this is a bit of a personal question and it's rude to ask?

"Where do you work?"
"What do you do?"
"What profession are you in?"

Etc.

I find it really invasive and wish people wouldn't ask! My situation is not straight forward so it takes a bit of explanation, and giving any level of information to a stranger who has just asked makes me feel uncomfortable.

Why is it anyone's buisness? I feel like they want to know where I "fit" - as in, am I skilled, roughly what that role would earn, what type of person am I; be honest, people judge you differently based on your job. You can be stereotyped so easily too.

Now I just reply "Oh, I do this and that."

Depends on the context and who's asking. If it's appropriate I say I'm a specialist advisor for a charity. Sometimes I just say I work for a charity so for all I know they might think I'm a chugger.

I think it is typical conversation. If your particular role is complicated then maybe find a way to describe it more easily. For example my husband has quite a niche role but rather than get into it in detail he would say something like “business analyst in pharmaceuticals”, that is really all anybody wants anyway.

I don’t think your being unreasonable, I’ve never asked anyone that question before, i didn’t even ask my now husband until a couple of dates in it just doesn’t matter to me what people do for a job.
I used to work behind the bar and people used to ask me ‘so what else do you do’ as if working in a bar wasn’t good enough, I was at uni at the time but still, I thought it was really rude to assume this couldn’t be my only job. After I graduated I it was my only job for years and I loved it. But I would literally be mid shift and people would ask what I did 😑

I don’t ask people about their hobbies because most people don’t necessarily have what they would call a hobby because of cost, mental health, time, lack of motivation etc and then feel like they have to justify themselves. Most people generally have to earn money whether we like it or not, so work seems like a “safer” topic to me

I wouldn't ask about hobbies either. Work, house, kids, I don't really have much time for hobbies.
Tbh I wouldn't think many parents do have much time.

Feeling insulted because someone has asked what you do for a living is a new level of bonkers MN paranoia.

I must have broken all the MN etiquette rules the other week when at a black tie dinner I was seated next to someone I had never met before and got chatting.

I discovered where she was from and what she did for a living within the first few sentences. We then moved on to other topics.

How do these professionally insulted people get through life? Maybe they should just socialise with their own families or just stay at home?

I don’t ask people about their hobbies because most people don’t necessarily have what they would call a hobby because of cost, mental health, time, lack of motivation etc and then feel like they have to justify themselves. Most people generally have to earn money whether we like it or not, so work seems like a “safer” topic to me.

There is nothing unsafe about replying 'I don't really have time for hobbies'. People have different lives and priorities. That really shouldn't mean that you can't ask them about things for fear that they might not have the same answer that you would.

😂

None of those work but there is a one-word sort-of description I could give but it automatically leads to more questions!

And by answering, it reveals more than I'm comfortable to reveal to a stranger, or salesperson, or tradesperson etc. Someone behind me in the queue at a till the other day asked me what I did for a living!

It's not always polite conversation, often it's nosey buggers wanting to know how I have what I have, and evaluating whether I'll be of use to them, where I 'rank'.

When I had a straight forward employed job, there was a huge difference, it didn't feel invasive when I said 'I work in admin' because that gives nothing of me away.

I'm glad a lot of posters understand!

@EbonyRaven even Mumsnet is at the ranking of us today 😅

I feel awful as I LOVE finding out what people do. I really enjoy getting to know people and finding out jobs that I had no idea existed. I think it’s so interesting what jobs there are that are far beyond the classic tropes in children’s books. I don’t do it to categorise people and I think it’s really interesting how people fall into their jobs and stay there. Apologies if we’ve met and I’ve offended anyone!!!

But you asked your husband a couple of dates in… Had it become the elephant in the room? 🤣🤣🤣

My mother in law was a much loved and valued cleaner to a wealthy family in her village. She was invited to a garden party at their home. At the last minute she decided it was a bit chilly so she put on her late mother's mink coat. There was another guest there who Mum had seen around the village, had decided was a snob, and didn't like. The woman said to Mum "Hello, I don't believe we've met" and Mum replied In a speaking voice very unlike her normal one, "No, I don't believe we 'ave, I'm Mrs 'arrison's char"! The woman said "Oh, how nice" and drifted off to talk to someone more suitable.

I understand how you feel about the question, @EggDaisy I'd spend some time thinking up answers to entertain yourself. "Oh not much, i have a sugar daddy" "I'm in training with a government department but it's hush hush" "I'm on a secret mission" "I have a trust fund, daddy doesn't want me to work".

But you have to expect the question to come back at you.

A. Do you have any hobbies?
B. No too busy, Do you ?
A. No too busy.
Boom conversion dead on its feet. Unless you can chat about stuff you used to do or would like to do.

At least with work, you can keep the conversion going.
A. What do you do?
B. I'm a cleaner,
A. What sort of places?
B. Houses
A. Do you see some flashy houses?

It doesn't really matter what job they do, the conversion can go to how they got into it, enjoy it, meet interesting people,

Feeling insulted because someone has asked what you do for a living is a new level of bonkers MN paranoia.

Jaded, very jaded, at having to answer questions about what I do here rather than insulted!

As I said a few posts down, if I tell someone (I used to and sometimes I still have to) as it's a job with an interesting slant it leads to a lot of questions.
So if a relative stranger asks, for example from my exercise classes where the membership changes frequently as people come and go, then I say something generic like teacher or civil servant and that rarely produces more questions.

Though why you'd care about the occupation of someone who does Zumba on the other side of the room I don't know.

Some people also ask because they really want you to ask them so they can talk about their job for a while. This definitely happens a lot.

I get you, OP. My job is not straightforward to explain, so I usually say I'm in sales. But then later on they think I can get them a good deal, so then I say I work for the corporate side which causes even more confusion.

Oh gosh I guess many people would have difficulty in other parts of the world Such questions and more sre considered acceptable. I've often heard Indian's and South Koreans ask " what job you you have" " How much do you earn " " what car do you drive" " do you have a large house" " what area do u live in" seems to be a regular part of meeting someone. I never too offence st such questions. Most like the Person who asks them has forgotten the answers 5 mins later

Try being a nanny, where you get asked by the parents ‘what does your husband do?’ five minutes into the interview with potential employers.

If anyone on here could explain why you would ask a nanny this in an interview or even in the early stages of employment, please enlighten me, only reason I can think of is they’re trying to suss our SES.

I know it's common as an intro, but I too find it rather odd/offputting.

went to a talk/interview with author of this the other day.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/60094819-sex-bomb?from_search=true&from_srp=true&qid=dXMYcVx3X5&rank=3

scattered through the interview there were questions from the audience slots - every single person who was handed the mike to ask a question was first asked by the author what they did. All very odd. What the f* did it have to do with any of the questions?

(mind you she did say in that jokey female way "only joking" that she was keen on a partner being rich)

I hate it too
conversation goes like this
‘what do you do?’
’im a dental hygienist’
’ohh. Well I’ve got this tooth….’ I get to see said tooth and am expected to give free advice ( usually outside of my experience and remit)
annoying and very irritating when I’m not at work and it’s the thousandth time

so now I just say ‘ I work in a dental practice’- they normally assume I’m a receptionist Which is fine by me

It feels like you can't win.
If you meet someone in a social setting that you don't know and you don't ask them anything ( or worse just go on about yourself ) your seen as narcissistic or self absorbed or being unfriendly.
Ask someone a polite question to break the ice and your seen as a bit nosy , why do you want to know? I suppose there are ways of asking , but it seems people become upset if you do ask questions or you don't! It is a minefield in a social setting.

I once got DP and my dinner paid for on a group holiday playing this game.

Someone asked me 'what do I do' and when I pulled a face and DP laughed, it got everyone wanting to know, expecting me to be something interesting like a stripper or unpopular like a traffic warden or tax inspector.

They offered to guess in 20 questions/yes/no game and said they would pay for our dinner if they couldn't get it. They didn't. I did once test condoms, but not like that.

Ah. I didn’t go to Uni so was saved that 😁 isn’t that just networking though which I thought was encouraged at Uni ?

This is MN though where the norms of everyday life don’t seem to exist. Not only must you not ask about work but you mustn’t give the impression you’re trying to social climb (or improve your job potential) by trying to make small talk with strangers in a social setting. Enquiring what someone does should be met with an accusatory glare and a demand to know why you’re asking such an impertinent question you social climbing CF 😁