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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hate being asked what I do

601 replies

EggDaisy · 31/05/2023 07:17

AIBU to think this is a bit of a personal question and it's rude to ask?

"Where do you work?"
"What do you do?"
"What profession are you in?"

Etc.

I find it really invasive and wish people wouldn't ask! My situation is not straight forward so it takes a bit of explanation, and giving any level of information to a stranger who has just asked makes me feel uncomfortable.

Why is it anyone's buisness? I feel like they want to know where I "fit" - as in, am I skilled, roughly what that role would earn, what type of person am I; be honest, people judge you differently based on your job. You can be stereotyped so easily too.

Now I just reply "Oh, I do this and that."

OP posts:
Nothingisblackandwhite · 31/05/2023 12:18

Sorry pressed the post button by mistake . I hate it too . I don’t ask either . I’m my case is very straightforward as I’m a solicitor but the reason I hate it is people then ask my legal advice all the time . They don’t even seem to realise there are different branches within my profession and I won’t know everything 🙄

Fairislefandango · 31/05/2023 12:23

It isn’t safe to ask anyone anything these days, for fear of them inventing a subtext for you.

Neatly put. Dh (when he was still a teacher) used to call it 'assigning (or inventing) intent'. A lot of the students who had the most volatile behaviour in schools spend a lot of their time creating toxic relationships with people on the basis of perceived slights and judgements which mostly weren't there. Often when you meet their parents you can see where they get it from. In reality, the vast majority of people aren't out to get you or to put you down or to find out information about you with malicious intent.

TeenLifeMum · 31/05/2023 12:27

So we can’t ask:

where are you from/where did you grow up?
What do you do?
Are you married/do you have a partner?
Do you have children?

Because this is all offensive. Wtf to you do when you need to make small talk? Surely you ask these questions to find common ground or areas of interest. Eg, recent conversation I had was a man who was born in the Middle East and grew up in Canada. I have family in Canada so that reply gave us a lead to a lovely conversation we could have. I’m personally interested in different cultures and find it fascinating. I’m not judging just curious. This is just normal conversation. Some of you need to be happier in your own skin and remove those chips!

poppetandmog · 31/05/2023 12:28

You're an influencer aren't you?

5128gap · 31/05/2023 12:32

CurlewKate · 31/05/2023 12:01

Mind you-it's much worse when people ask what my children do. One has a job I don't understand, can't see the point of and which wasn't even a job when I was her age. The other has four!

Lol. Its impossible to answer that one without feeling like you're boasting, humble bragging or being defensive!

Augend23 · 31/05/2023 12:39

Someone I know says they have "a portfolio career" to cover "doing a random mixture of things".

I ask because I find all the different things people do really interesting and genuinely enjoy finding out about them, rather than to judge.

RampantIvy · 31/05/2023 12:41

Some of you need to be happier in your own skin and remove those chips!

I'm with you on this @TeenLifeMum.

Nothingisblackandwhite · 31/05/2023 12:41

I think other things are more offensive and leave me nervous , I’ve lived in the U.K. for 25 years but I still have an accent the “ where are you from “ is one that really makes me nervous because since brexit I have had a lot of bad reactions and I’m always in a mild panic trying to find out if this is a xenophobic idiot or someone just curious and trying to just make conversation .
With profession I find it annoying but also handy in some situations and even find people treat different depending on what you do , unfortunately it changes the narrative at times

Augend23 · 31/05/2023 12:42

Nothingisblackandwhite · 31/05/2023 12:18

Sorry pressed the post button by mistake . I hate it too . I don’t ask either . I’m my case is very straightforward as I’m a solicitor but the reason I hate it is people then ask my legal advice all the time . They don’t even seem to realise there are different branches within my profession and I won’t know everything 🙄

I'm an accountant and my answer to this particular problem is to give what information I do know (if any) and follow up with (or start with, if I know nothing) "ah I'm afraid that's not my area - it'd be like asking a GP to do your heart surgery for you - not something I'd recommend" - this is usually about tax for me!

Rhythmisadancer · 31/05/2023 12:44

better than being asked what your husband does, or just asking him and ignoring you completely which has happened to me a few times

comfyshoes2022 · 31/05/2023 12:54

The thing is, any “getting to know you” question holds the potential to be judged and classified. Where you live, if you have children, what your hobbies are, etc.

Coolblur · 31/05/2023 13:05

willWillSmithsmith see you're a decent person, genuinely interested in getting to know someone, and that will come across in conversation. But there are plenty who ask to form ideas about a person, also obvious.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 31/05/2023 13:21

Late to the party, but adding my thoughts here…

Hate to break this to you all but people are judging you regardless of what you do for a living… they are judging your appearance, accent/speech, hairstyle, shoes, demeanor, and everything else about you that provides a a datapoint. They’ll judge your hobbies, your family status, the friends you are with, and what your opinion of the weather is.

At the same time

They don’t really care about your answers, your car, your opinion, your family status, your accent, or really anything else. We are just not that interesting to other people.

BitOutOfPractice · 31/05/2023 13:28

Am I allowed to say “hi, how are you?” anymore? Or will someone think I’m being nosy about their health? Or “how are you doing?” because I’m prying into their MH? Or “good morning” in case they think I’m being nosy about their morning. Honestly, it’s a minefield.

willWillSmithsmith · 31/05/2023 13:49

saltinesandcoffeecups · 31/05/2023 13:21

Late to the party, but adding my thoughts here…

Hate to break this to you all but people are judging you regardless of what you do for a living… they are judging your appearance, accent/speech, hairstyle, shoes, demeanor, and everything else about you that provides a a datapoint. They’ll judge your hobbies, your family status, the friends you are with, and what your opinion of the weather is.

At the same time

They don’t really care about your answers, your car, your opinion, your family status, your accent, or really anything else. We are just not that interesting to other people.

👏🏻👍 spot on. The judgements don’t need to be snooty dismissive judgements but we judge (or maybe assess) people all the time.

willWillSmithsmith · 31/05/2023 13:55

Coolblur · 31/05/2023 13:05

willWillSmithsmith see you're a decent person, genuinely interested in getting to know someone, and that will come across in conversation. But there are plenty who ask to form ideas about a person, also obvious.

Oh thank you. Yes I am. I don’t really understand the hostility on here about people making innocent chit chat about what you do. Yes there are subjects that are intrusive and aren’t chit chat but I don’t consider your job (whatever that is or isn’t) as being too personal to disclose in a social setting (no one expects you to be happy to disclose your job to a total stranger sitting next to you on the bus but that’s a more extreme example)

CarCrazy · 31/05/2023 14:24

This is an interesting one. I don't normally mind being asked, but I do feel a bit sensitive about asking! Don't know why. I think I just don't want someone to feel put on the spot or uncomfortable or feel judged. Thing is, sometimes when conversation runs a bit dry, it is a helpful conversation starter, and sometimes people have really interesting jobs and then I can follow up with genuinely interested questions and get a good conversation flowing!

There are definitely situations when I kind of want to follow my answer to "what's your job" with loads of caveats because of the impression I think someone might have of me based on my job! This is especially true when someone asks what my husband does!! His job sounds v prestigious and well paid but it's not!! Sometimes I might just leave it and let people have that impression, other times I don't really want them to have a false impression

I guess you often can tell in advance of meeting someone, roughly what kind of job they might do (eg. It wouldn't surprise you if x was in the beauty trade or Y is an accountant or z is a nurse), and the answer might not be way off the rough area you were thinking. So the judgement has begun before the answer has been given.

Schoolchoicesucks · 31/05/2023 14:35

I'd invited someone I met through a toddler group over to mine for a coffee. We'd been going to the same baby groups for 6 months or so, chatted together about the kids etc. We were talking about going back to work after maternity leave, nursery recommendations etc. I asked what she did. And she said she'd prefer not to say. It was very strange. I have a friend who is a police officer but doesn't like to say this to casual acquaintances, so she has a cover story ready. She's usually a receptionist in a hospital. I didn't really care what this woman did, it was just making conversation. Funnily enough we're not in touch any more.

Isn't it usually a standard question that might open up some common ground? Fair enough for those who have been ignored or looked down on after replying, but I'm usually just interested to find out a bit more about someone. Most of spend a lot of time working.

I have quite a dull job, I often will respond to questions like this with the name of my employer, the place I work. It's just a casual question to keep conversation open.

ManonDe · 31/05/2023 14:44

This theadcame to mind today! A group of DSs friends and their parents (me included) were out bowling this morning. A new mum came along. She was asked'what do you do?' and she just replied; I am a solicitor but currently on a career break due to family caring reasons'.

Fine. Convo moved on. It was just interest in y view because we know her DS but not her so much.

IglesiasPiggl · 31/05/2023 16:16

Everyone (yourself included OP) uses personal information to evaluate others - is this person someone I share values with, is this person someone I admire, is this person trustworthy, do I have common ground with this person, is this person like minded, etc etc. It doesn't have to be what you do, it could be where you live, where you were born, who you're married to, where you shop, what you studied at university, anything really.

Ruffpuff · 31/05/2023 16:22

I don’t ask people what they do for work to ‘rank’ them. To me it’s just making conversation. I’m not great at making conversation in general and it’s an easy topic.

willWillSmithsmith · 31/05/2023 16:30

Ruffpuff · 31/05/2023 16:22

I don’t ask people what they do for work to ‘rank’ them. To me it’s just making conversation. I’m not great at making conversation in general and it’s an easy topic.

I honestly didn’t even know ranking someone by their job was a thing when casually asking someone what they did. I can understand asking when dating (I honestly don’t want to date someone who works in an abattoir, no matter what they earned). Assessing whether someone is worthy of my company in a neutral social setting, (not prospective dating) wouldn’t even be on my radar.

Pipsquiggle · 31/05/2023 16:39

willWillSmithsmith · 31/05/2023 16:30

I honestly didn’t even know ranking someone by their job was a thing when casually asking someone what they did. I can understand asking when dating (I honestly don’t want to date someone who works in an abattoir, no matter what they earned). Assessing whether someone is worthy of my company in a neutral social setting, (not prospective dating) wouldn’t even be on my radar.

Show quote history

To be clear, not every person ranks you when they ask you what you do, just a few and they tend to be arseholes. Most people are just being chatty and personable.

willWillSmithsmith · 31/05/2023 16:40

MaidOfSteel · 31/05/2023 12:06

Crikey. We're not supposed to ask if a person is married or has a partner, we're not supposed to ask if they have kids or grandkids and now we must add asking what someone does for a living to the list.

Yes, some people might be looking to judge you based on your job, but most aren't. If they're anything like me, they're desperately trying to think of something to say or ask, and not seem awkward, shy or standoffish.

If it makes you uncomfortable, why don't you have a stock phrase or question ready so you can change the subject seamlessly.

I wonder if the posters on here who are complaining that asking means being judged is because that’s what they do themselves? If you judge by own standards then maybe that’s why you (not you personally of course) are offended by the question?

AnneofRedGables · 31/05/2023 16:41

@BlackberrySky I actually am a librarian! Most people seem to be quite interested and ask lots of questions, but I’m wondering now if they’re just being polite 😂