Hate being asked what I do

[EggDaisy]

AIBU to think this is a bit of a personal question and it's rude to ask?

"Where do you work?"
"What do you do?"
"What profession are you in?"

Etc.

I find it really invasive and wish people wouldn't ask! My situation is not straight forward so it takes a bit of explanation, and giving any level of information to a stranger who has just asked makes me feel uncomfortable.

Why is it anyone's buisness? I feel like they want to know where I "fit" - as in, am I skilled, roughly what that role would earn, what type of person am I; be honest, people judge you differently based on your job. You can be stereotyped so easily too.

Now I just reply "Oh, I do this and that."

Absolutely. It is a very British thing and is often (except in a professional, job-related setting such as a conference) a way of categorising someone.

"Where are you from?" is a similar loaded question - I get it all the time when I'm in the UK because although I'm white and British-born, I've lived most of my adult life abroad, speaking other languages, so my spoken English sounds rooted in the 1990s and I sometimes sound slightly "non-British". I can see that it confuses some people as they cannot place my accent, which means that they cannot place me into any of their class, educational or regional pigeon holes.

When I worked as a temp I met a young woman who used to lie about her profession just for the hell of it and to get an interesting conversations started with people. She'd say she was a driving instructor or a brain surgeon. I started doing it too. When I said I was a driving instructor people would joke about my nails being bitten to the quick etc.

Yes, it is a common question to be asked in Asia, where I am from and where parents start telling kids right from childhood that they need to be a doctor, engineer, etc.
And in most cases, this question is out to rank you. In Asia, they even have a list of chosen career options for selecting prospective groom in traditional marriage set ups. In India, there used to be something called dowry and a girl's parents would pay certain amount of money in line with the job groom does, more for doctors, engineers, lesser band for less highly skilled jobs.

I'm an accountant. I'm not sure about being charged more (probably though!), but I usually then get asked for free tax advice, so I wouldn't recommend it as an alternative option for a fake job!

If that was the case why didn't she just say that? You can often tell what people's intentions are by the way they look at you, tone of voice. If @RampantIvy felt she was being judged that might well have been so.

It's common for people to ask where are you from ffs, I'm glad in real life people aren't this ridiculous. I wasn't born here and it's very evident in both my appearance and my accent, but I don't see why it's an issue unless someone says x place and someone keeps probing with disbelief for obvious reasons. Is there anything you don't get offended by people asking?

Trades IME tend to charge based on the size of the house. Big posh house in nice area, big bucks.

My friends who live in a much bigger posher house than me get charged a lot more for stuff.

Work is like the least personal question you can ask. People don’t have to reveal very much about themselves whilst talking about work - hobbies, kids etc is much more intrusive, and we also spend an awful lot of time at work.
saying ‘this and that’ sounds shifty and would shut off any further conversation.
if you don’t want to talk about it just say something bland… work in an office, retail,…

Those who ask this to start a conversation, what would yoy say next if the person says - stay at home parent, not working due to illness, etc? Would you make a quick exit because they didn't provide you the content to work with to develop a conversation.

It's not necessarily 'a quick exit' in the sense of moving on quickly because you're disappointed or judgmental about the response. I'd move on if the person didn't seem keen to talk about their job. Whatever the job is, most people are likely to only make a brief, benign comment 'That sounds interesting/hard work / You must be really busy etc' Just like if I asked someone where they live and they say 'Bedford', I'm only going to attempt further exploration of that if I used to live there or have some real connection to the place. That doesn't mean you won't find other, more fruitful things to talk to that person about.

I'm lucky (sort of), in that I do a job (teaching) which everyone has at least some indirect experience of, but they can also have pretty strong opinions about it...

Unfortunately there seem to be a lot of people with zero social skills who cannot distinguish between a conversation and an interrogation. They basically think it's friendly and conversational to pepper a stranger with a hundred questions about her work, marital, or parental status, where she's from, etc etc. Maybe they're uncomfortable just sitting quietly in the same space as the stranger and so they start fishing for something to say... and all they can think of are questions, the answers to which are none of their business.

They themselves may have no real interests or passions outside of some mind-numbing, middle-management role they play in a large corporation that makes widgets or whatever, so for these folks, how they're paying the bills forms an essential part of their personality. And they assume everyone lives this [depressing] way.

If someone like this is seated next to me on a long flight, for example, I'll try to stick to basic one word answers ["Research"] in response to the interrogation and then try to look busy on my laptop or bury my face in a book. It's tricky to shut the questioning down without making the rest of the long flight terribly awkward.

That's not to say I haven't had really engaging conversations with strangers, where for example someone notices I'm reading a certain book and we get to talking about the author's work. Stuff like that. And if we start talking about stranger's job, home, husband, grandkids, and personal stuff like that, it's because she's introduced the subject and is keen to chat about it. I'd never bother people with invasive questions.

Those who ask this to start a conversation, what would yoy say next if the person says - stay at home parent, not working due to illness, etc? Would you make a quick exit because they didn't provide you the content to work with to develop a conversation.
Develop the convo obviously.

I find it very interesting that @determinedtomakethiswork said "sometimes" the person wants to categorise you, and you've replied saying its not conversational and you will be judged. That very much sounds like you've already decided that it happens every single time, and every single person it out to judge you. Not only "sometimes". You don't like people pre-judging you, yet you're making a pre-judged assumption that others are being nosey and judgemental.

The actual feedback here is actually the opposite, that people are asking to find out about you, your life and more often than not just making polite random chit-chat. Maybe stop assuming that peoples intention is to judge you and instead give them the benefit of the doubt.

Those who ask this to start a conversation, what would yoy say next if the person says - stay at home parent, not working due to illness, etc? Would you make a quick exit because they didn't provide you the content to work with to develop a conversation.

Why would anyone? People don't tend to talk in depth solely about peoples jobs and then walk away, there's still plenty to talk about if someone says any of those things.

I'm in two minds about this one. I've been in situations where I've been asked this and I have resisted because I just a gut feeling that the person asking me was a dick and their underlying vibe and motives were offputting. I've been in other situations where it's felt perfectly ok and I could tell the person was taking a genuine interest in me, the person but they weren't a slimebag.

I have also asked people this question and experienced the person being really defensive! (It was on a date)! I really meant no offence by it, but he felt bad about his job. His defensiveness was a turn-off but his job wasn't.

People are strange eh!

When I used to meet mums at the school gates some I’d really click with and I would invite (or be invited) for a cuppa and chat etc at our respective homes. Asking if we had jobs or were full time mothers was a normal part of the conversation. I don’t recall ever being offended or causing offence by this question. The mums who worked could be all sorts, some worked in supermarkets, some worked in offices, one was a pharmacist, some worked at the local special needs school, some were full time mums. No ulterior motives to see which professions would make more suitable friends it was just innocent conversation getting to know other mums. We are still friends even though school days are passed so I guess no one (including myself) was left fuming at the audacity. If people find that offensive then I guess that’s their prerogative. Asking what I do for a job has never irritated me. I don’t do anything special but I can’t get worked up at being asked by someone who’s making innocent chit chat.

Um what? That’s only logical if it’s the only question asked. Which is very rare ime. Normally it’s part of a wider conversation

I think it's a perfectly acceptable question to ask and there should be no reason to be so secretive or whatever about your job (unless you're in the CIA or something!)

If you think being asked about work is bad, you should hear the questions I get asked about being in a wheelchair!

I think that speaks volumes about how your mind works.

For me, I've done a massive range of jobs at every level so the question "what do you do?" establishes some common ground from which conversation and perhaps friendship then flows.

I also think it’s basically asking “how much do you earn?” Because if they ask not only where you work, job title, it can easily be found out. Or if you work for a Local Authority it can! I think it’s very intrusive

Do you honestly believe they're going to be on Google as soon as your back is turned trying to find out your exact salary? Isn't it more likely that they're just making conversation? Literally any question can feel intrusive to the person being asked if it touches a nerve or if someone is really worried about giving any information about themselves away.

Do you have children? Definitely intrusive, could be uncomfortable or upsetting for many reasons, including infertility or loss.

Whereabouts do you live? Can't ask that, they might think you're going to look up house prices to try to figure out how much money they've got!

Where did you grow up? They might have had a difficult childhood and not want to be reminded of it, also you could be trying to find out if they come from a well off family or not.

What are your hobbies? Maybe they have had to give up their hobbies due to COL, or they might worry their hobbies aren't 'interesting' enough and feel awkward, or they might thinknyou're trying to determine how much money they've got by how expensive the hobby is!

Pets? Their beloved pet might have just been PTS, or maybe their ex got to keep the dog in a painful separation.

Holidays? Maybe they can't afford them and you'll come across insensitive, of they'll think you're trying to find out how much money they've got by what type of holiday they go on.

What do you think about (insert news story/current affairs issue)? Could be controversial, especially with the polarised state of politics atm. You could be trying to determine how they vote or their social class.

What are we left with then, other than "seen any good films lately?"

It's either just conversation, or so they can judge you. I've learnt that the hard way over time. If people google my job the general salary expectation is high which causes jealously in some people and changes the way they behave toward me. I used to downplay it saying only a few people earn that, my salary is nowhere near, when in truth it is.
But I'm proud of what I do, it took intensive hard work to qualify, and I'm old very experienced so I'm reaping the reward. So now I just answer, because it allows me to find out what kind of person they are too.

I was thinking more of social settings rather than some random sitting next to you on transport asking these type of questions. It seems people on here are offended at being asked in any situation but if you’re at a party or get together and you’re chatting to someone you’ve never met if the chat goes on long enough invariably one of you will probably ask what you do. So how do those who find it offensive reply?

What's a safe opening conversational gambit then?

@Brocolibee

I don't get offended by either question because I grew up in England where, as we can see, for some people they are considered to be fairly normal questions to ask. I know how to respond because I've grown up with these questions. But as others are posting, they are only "normal" in some circles and in many cases, they are used as a form of acceptability test. My comment is just pointing out that in some countries or social circles, these questions would be considered at best irrelevant and at worst rude. Different societies, even within the UK, have different norms.

There is also the context of when the question is being asked. If it is a random person you're meeting for the first time, then these questions might be as rude as asking how much someone earns (which is often what the "what do you do" question is really asking). If it is amongst friends or people known for a while and with whom there is already an ongoing social relationship, they are perhaps less intrusive and are not being used as a way of categorising the person.

I don't ask this question to anyone, it'll come up naturally in conversation.
I hated the question when I was a stay at home mum! And the subsequent reaction.
I don't mind it now I'm in a job I love.