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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Hate being asked what I do

601 replies

EggDaisy · 31/05/2023 07:17

AIBU to think this is a bit of a personal question and it's rude to ask?

"Where do you work?"
"What do you do?"
"What profession are you in?"

Etc.

I find it really invasive and wish people wouldn't ask! My situation is not straight forward so it takes a bit of explanation, and giving any level of information to a stranger who has just asked makes me feel uncomfortable.

Why is it anyone's buisness? I feel like they want to know where I "fit" - as in, am I skilled, roughly what that role would earn, what type of person am I; be honest, people judge you differently based on your job. You can be stereotyped so easily too.

Now I just reply "Oh, I do this and that."

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 31/05/2023 09:59

GruffaIo · 31/05/2023 09:53

I understand, OP. A work colleague asked how much our holiday cottage cost. I thought that was pretty rude, and implicitly judging how we could afford it, etc. It made me feel judged and that I should be careful about what I discuss in even polite conversation.

Or maybe she liked the look of it and might have been interested in going there herself?

You are really overthinking it.

GruffaIo · 31/05/2023 09:59

@CurlewKate Yes, absolutely there's a difference, but I think people need to be mindful about how their questions come across and the impact on the person they're asking. Just like asking someone what school they went to - apparently innocuous, but also immediately categorising the person you've asked and putting them in context / an implicit social hierarchy.

RampantIvy · 31/05/2023 10:00

Scarfweather · 31/05/2023 09:56

In the real world outside of Mumsnet it really isn’t a sensitive topic.
I love to be asked about what I do - not because I like to talk about myself (I’m a blusher) but because it opens the conversation in many different ways. Even when I was a SAHM.
Some people here need to work on their self-esteem and confidence levels if being asked ‘what do you do?’ Is a problem.

Again, I agree with you. This thread has far to many professionally offended, paranoid overthinkers on it.

GruffaIo · 31/05/2023 10:01

@RampantIvy We'd bought it, and they were asking how much it cost to buy it.

Lovesacake · 31/05/2023 10:01

I think this thread is eye opening but ultimately I think the system works quite well. People like me might ask what you do in order to learn more about you and build a connection. If you shut me down and make me feel like a prick for asking then I’m probably happy to leave it there and not get to know you. Equally you will probably be happy to leave it there as you will have decided I’m a judgmental/nosy arse. So we won’t be friends but that’s ok, we don’t all have to be friends.

TheFireflies · 31/05/2023 10:04

I’m a social worker.

I once got caught out at a beer festival when a chap asked me what I do. I said “oh, I don’t really talk about my job.”

He smiled and said “so you’re a social worker then?”

Now I just say I work with children.

Freedomfromguilt · 31/05/2023 10:04

You're lucky, no one ever asks me. I'm like Anne for motherland, just written off. Strangely everyone talks to me, I know every pointless and boring fact about their lives. Even my in-laws don't know what my job is, they know where I work but assume I'm a secretary.

GasPanic · 31/05/2023 10:06

Just make something up.

My job is weird and difficult to describe. It also involves doing lots of different things and a completely screwed up work pattern.

I just tell people I'm in software which saves any long and awkward conversations. It's also about 10% true.

If someone replies with "I'm in X" where X is something that means they are a bit more likely to understand or be interested in some of the details of what I do then I might elaborate a bit more.

CovetedAsFuck · 31/05/2023 10:06

Pipsquiggle · 31/05/2023 09:36

I kind of know what you mean OP, however, I think you are only seeing the negatives when actually it could be an advantage.

I have a fairly unique job that no one really understands, it's difficult to explain but some people do find very interesting.

When people ask 'What do you do?'
I purposely start with my sector as that usually weeds out the dickheads. I say 'I work in Retail' (which is true).
The dickheads will jump to the conclusion that my role is 'less than' others. It's usually pretty obvious and it's great that I don't have to spend any of my time with a person who thinks minimum paid roles are not valuable. It's a pretty accurate assessment 95% of the time.

A lot of people will delve further and I have a stock simplified explanation of my role. Lots of people find it interesting and / or relate it to their own shopping experiences.

Fundamentally, people are trying to find ways to bond with others, see what they have in common. Most people are asking this question from a genuine place.

If I encountered you, I would be asking from a genuine place. I’d be naturally inclined to show an interest in more detail.

But having read this thread I might stop myself, because pps have emphasised how intrusive and gauche it is for someone to persist beyond the initial general response.

So I’d stop myself, thinking ‘she doesn’t want to say more’. Trying not to be a dickhead basically. But it sounds like that would make you think I was a dickhead and you had ‘weeded me out’.

🤷🏻‍♀️

Catspyjamas17 · 31/05/2023 10:08

Just make something up.

Heh. When I was younger we had some guys chatting us up and genuinely believing I was the stunt double for Kate Winslet.

Begsthequestion · 31/05/2023 10:11

EggDaisy · 31/05/2023 07:24

Exactly! It's very naive to think its purely conversation, it's not.

You will be judged and stereotyped, automatically. It's something I'd never ask, there are so many other things to converse about.

I agree. Interesting to hear from a Russian friend that ppl there don't/didn't use to ask this question. It's not considered relevant or necessarily interesting to strangers, as for many decades, rightly or wrongly, a job was not used to divide and define a person, as class society (as we know it) was abolished and all work was valued.

Here in class-entrenched Britain it's well known as the first question asked after "what's your name"

Lovesacake · 31/05/2023 10:16

If I spend any significant time chatting to someone new and they at no point express any interest in what I do I genuinely come away thinking that they probably weren’t very interested in getting to know me. It literally never occurred to me that they were being their version of polite. My work is a huge part of my life and if someone isn’t interested in finding out anything about it I genuinely think it’s a bit of a snub!

EbonyRaven · 31/05/2023 10:19

I'm actually going against the grain here ... I agree with you @EggDaisy . I also agree with you and a few other posters that people ask because they want to know what you do, to evaluate you and decide if you're 'worthy.' And there IS an unconscious bias and they will judge you and they do judge you. For some it IS just a conversation thing, but some do judge. And they want to know so they can judge you.

Like another poster said, a woman asked what she did and when she said 'I worked for the government' or whatever, she still wanted to know 'but what do you actually do?' They will judge and do judge.

No matter what anyone says, if you're a stay-at-home-mum (SAHM) or a part time working mum, or part time working non-mum, who works say 12-20 hours a week at B&M you have 5 GCSE's; you will be thought of as 'lesser' than if you've got a masters degree and you work high up in finance, or medicine, or law, or in the government, and you've got 50-100 people working beneath you.

It's particularly galling and jarring for people who are long term sick or are long term unemployed, (or even SAHMs.). Basically, people who don't have an actually working paid job. 'Because they have to start explaining to these people, why they're not contributing to the workplace/to society. (That's what they see SAHMs as, freeloaders who don't contribute to society, and THEY are bankrolling them.) OR they see them as a cocklodger letting the husband 'keep' them (even worse names than cocklodger sometimes.) Even if they have children they still call SAHMs rude names, especially if they don't go back to work when the kids start school.

When I moved to a new area once. I joined this social hobby group. And I got probed again and again, probably 10 different people over the first three or four weeks. What job do I do? What do I do for a living? What CAREER am I in? If you say you don't work/are retired, then it's 'what did you USED to do?' I got so sick of explaining what I do after 10 or 12 times in 3 or 4 weeks. Did my head in it did. Not much interest in if I'm married, or how many children I have but they HAD to know what I do for a living, and how high-brow my CAREER is, and if I am a professional, and if I am someone who is on a good salary.

In addition to all this, me and DH private-rented a home for a couple of years some years ago, and I met this woman (again in a hobby group setting,) and she had seen me around the suburb, and had smiled and waved a few times... She was gobsmacked when she discovered GASP>>>! that me and my husband RENT our home. 'My gosh,' she said clutching her pearls, 'you don't look - or seem like renters.' Make of THAT what you will. Oddly, she didn't seem quite so chatty and friendly after that. Didn't want to be seen canoodling with the renty people probably. Eww 😆

My DH has actually got quite an ordinary admin job, only four days a week, and he absolutely loves it. It pays OK, it's got no real responsibilities, and he has turned down several chances to 'progress' because he CBA.. He is very happy where he is. But he tells people he hasn't seen for a few years, that he's actually a manager, because he doesn't want them to think he's only an admin assistant. He says doesn't care what people think, but he really does. And people do judge.

checktoolate · 31/05/2023 10:19

Ah, I have fun with this question. I'm the financial and legal director of a biotech that's situated in a hospital.

If I say I do admin people assume I'm a secretary, If I say I work at the hospital they think I'm a nurse.

I judge them by what they "think" I do!

CovetedAsFuck · 31/05/2023 10:20

Lovesacake · 31/05/2023 10:16

If I spend any significant time chatting to someone new and they at no point express any interest in what I do I genuinely come away thinking that they probably weren’t very interested in getting to know me. It literally never occurred to me that they were being their version of polite. My work is a huge part of my life and if someone isn’t interested in finding out anything about it I genuinely think it’s a bit of a snub!

I feel this too!

Nellieinthebarn · 31/05/2023 10:21

I had this when I was a social worker, its a job that attracts a lot of hostility, so I just used to say I worked for the Local Authority. If they asked for more detail I would just say Oh its mostly admin. Which to be fair is not untrue.

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 31/05/2023 10:21

EggDaisy · 31/05/2023 07:24

Exactly! It's very naive to think its purely conversation, it's not.

You will be judged and stereotyped, automatically. It's something I'd never ask, there are so many other things to converse about.

People ask to make conversation.. it’s how you get to know someone, it’s usually what you do every day so why is it such an offensive question?! Unless you have a weird job with something to hide I can’t see the issue!

coffeeschmoffee · 31/05/2023 10:21

Oh me too OP, I hate this! See also "do you have children?".
Just fuck off. If I want to volunteer any information on my career or reproductive abilities then I will but don't be so rude as to ask!

EbonyRaven · 31/05/2023 10:22

checktoolate · 31/05/2023 10:19

Ah, I have fun with this question. I'm the financial and legal director of a biotech that's situated in a hospital.

If I say I do admin people assume I'm a secretary, If I say I work at the hospital they think I'm a nurse.

I judge them by what they "think" I do!

LOL make sure you say you are in the process of hiding the covid23 virus as you don't want it getting out that's it's in existence, and then sneeze on them! 😆

EbonyRaven · 31/05/2023 10:26

coffeeschmoffee · 31/05/2023 10:21

Oh me too OP, I hate this! See also "do you have children?".
Just fuck off. If I want to volunteer any information on my career or reproductive abilities then I will but don't be so rude as to ask!

Yeah, on the face of it, 'do you have children?' seems like a reasonable question, but as soon as someone says no, there's an eerie silence. People don't know what to say. And yep, once again, they do judge!!!

SO I don't think people should ask really. People will tell you if they want to!

thecatsthecats · 31/05/2023 10:28

I work for charities generally in the sort of role people think is overpaid nonsense - Data Governance.

But the charity I've just started working for is in a real bind. They want to start working with a particular group of people, and to design a programme to help them. They need to prove they have a plan to improve outcomes for this group to get the funding. My role helps straighten out the legal rights and responsibilities they have, sets out a plan for collecting and monitoring the data, and measuring the impact so that if they do it again, they know which bits worked and which didn't.

But it's overpaid wankery to a lot of people, so I just say charity operations.

Littleroseseverywhere · 31/05/2023 10:28

Goodness. I saw one on here where you’re not allowed to ask if someone has kids, now you can’t ask what they do for a living. It’s normal chit chat, it’s not meant to be some judgey interrogation.

Lovesacake · 31/05/2023 10:29

EbonyRaven · 31/05/2023 10:26

Yeah, on the face of it, 'do you have children?' seems like a reasonable question, but as soon as someone says no, there's an eerie silence. People don't know what to say. And yep, once again, they do judge!!!

SO I don't think people should ask really. People will tell you if they want to!

But wouldn’t you think I was weird if I just suddenannounced mid conversation what I do for a job without any prompting or enquiring from you? I find it really mind blowing that so many people are so paranoid/secretive about what they do but as I said earlier in the thread it’s not really a bad thing. We need to select our friends somehow so I will naturally gravitate away from people who seem very closed/guarded and towards the people who seem more open/relaxed. Likewise those who are very private about their work situation will probably gravitate away from people like me.

TwoFluffyDogsOnMyBed · 31/05/2023 10:32

I sort of tweak what I do to how I want to be seen. So I’ve been ‘A cleaner while I finish my degree’ (true), ‘A massage/holistic therapist’ (even when I’ve felt so fatigued I could only manage one job a week). Once I’ve established whether a person isn’t judgemental I’ll be more open with them.

I’m about to start an online job that I don’t want anyone to know about so I’m planning to say that I’m doing online customer service.

You could choose a subject that you know a lot about and say you’re studying it or doing research into it. Then you get to talk about something you’re interested in.

BezMills · 31/05/2023 10:33

People are allowed to evade everyday chitchat questions, if they want to.

I like 'a bit of this and that'. You've answered the question and the other person could reasonably guess that you won't or don't want to say more.

When I'm playing poker and someone asks what I'm holding, whether I've got great cards or a handful of shite, the answer is the same. "I've got a li'l some' some'."