Hate being asked what I do

[EggDaisy]

AIBU to think this is a bit of a personal question and it's rude to ask?

"Where do you work?"
"What do you do?"
"What profession are you in?"

Etc.

I find it really invasive and wish people wouldn't ask! My situation is not straight forward so it takes a bit of explanation, and giving any level of information to a stranger who has just asked makes me feel uncomfortable.

Why is it anyone's buisness? I feel like they want to know where I "fit" - as in, am I skilled, roughly what that role would earn, what type of person am I; be honest, people judge you differently based on your job. You can be stereotyped so easily too.

Now I just reply "Oh, I do this and that."

Many ways around this potential judging. If you care so much.

I used to say I work in an insurance office. It's boring. And from that they could decide I was the CEO of the company or the cleaner.

Now I'd say I work in a factory making popcorn/bacon/Yorkshire puddings. Again up to people to decide if I own the company or I pop the corn.

Either way I dont give many shits. If someone is judging me on my worth to see if I can be part of the in crowd, well I dont want to be part of that group.

I think about people all the time!

If I told you, I’d have to kill you.

Normal conversation

I actually think it’s really useful to be asked what my job is .. or what my husband does ( even in 2023) . It tells me a lot about the person I’m meeting , and that they are seeking to see where I fit / whether we are suitable for their clique . I treat them with caution going forward .. they might be genuine and just making conversation but they probably aren’t

You’ll worry a lot less about what people think of you when you realise how infrequently they do.

This is one of the most useful pieces of advice I've ever received and I've lived by it since I was in my late teens. It's very liberating.

It might be a liberating thought, but I don't think it's at all true. We all have thoughts and make judgements about people all the time. It's an intrinsic part of being a human. I've always thought that saying was a funny thing to believe unless you yourself only infrequently think about other people (which is unlikely)!

I don't think people are always out to judge you but are looking at making connections to get to know you. Eg when I say I work for childrens services for a County council they do try and think of a link and come back with, ' oh my sister in law is a social worker for Blackpool Council. Its just a way of generating conversation and getting to know you.

Honestly, I couldn't be bothered with being on high alert worrying about people potentially judging me, even if they aren't. I just think I dont need to know what they are thinking.

So what do you do then, OP?! I'm intrigued.

I met someone at a wedding a few years ago (relative of the bride who was a friend of mine).

In the general chit chat he said "So what do you do for work? Or are you a housewife?" With a definite suggestion that he'd removed the word "just" from his second question.

WTAF?? I'm not a SAHM, but even if I was, he was a total arse for insinuating that it's an inferior role. We all know on here how it's not exactly the easy option.

Some people definitely do ask the question so they have the opportunity to either judge you, or tell you about how wonderful or more superior they are!

In my case I took great delight in telling him I ran a successful business in the City. Even DH could see how much he'd riled me so he said "yeah, she's far more successful than me. I'm actually out of work at the moment [he's a contractor] so it's handy she can keep me in the lifestyle I've become accustomed to".

Generally I don't mind people asking what I do, as the answer is quite simple, but I've seen people ask my DH what he does and have to see him struggle to explain it simply enough that answers the question without taking an hour for them to actually understand!

If you've got a difficult to describe job I can see it would be annoying.

I'd just say "I work for X company in Y area, but I'll bore you and me to tears if we talk about my work. Do you have any hobbies?" and move the conversation along.

I kind of know what you mean OP, however, I think you are only seeing the negatives when actually it could be an advantage.

I have a fairly unique job that no one really understands, it's difficult to explain but some people do find very interesting.

When people ask 'What do you do?'
I purposely start with my sector as that usually weeds out the dickheads. I say 'I work in Retail' (which is true).
The dickheads will jump to the conclusion that my role is 'less than' others. It's usually pretty obvious and it's great that I don't have to spend any of my time with a person who thinks minimum paid roles are not valuable. It's a pretty accurate assessment 95% of the time.

A lot of people will delve further and I have a stock simplified explanation of my role. Lots of people find it interesting and / or relate it to their own shopping experiences.

Fundamentally, people are trying to find ways to bond with others, see what they have in common. Most people are asking this question from a genuine place.

@MooMooSharoo ”I'd just say "I work for X company in Y area, but I'll bore you and me to tears if we talk about my work. Do you have any hobbies?" and move the conversation along”

Thats sad though. You should be excited by your work, and if you are but saying the above then why downplay it. ‘Do you have any hobbies?’ is equally susceptible to coming off as judgemental. It could come across as ‘don’t you have any hobbies???’ and is equally as generic as the work question.

Just shows how we all take things differently and why it’s such a minefield 😄

Is anyone else getting second hand social embarrassment at the 'tinkly laughs'? Cop onto yourselves - no one cares, they are just making polite conversation and your tinkly laughs will make you come across rude and odd. Any vague response will do if you don't want to go into specifics, it is not that big a deal.

I ask people this sometimes if it comes up naturally ie "I'm tired from work" "Oh what do you do?". I am genuinely not trying to categorize, I think all jobs are important and it's just a conversation starter but this thread has made me think twice about asking - I genuinely did not realise it was a sensitive topic.

Very true and not a good example I agree!

I have a friend that I've asked, and have seen being asked, numerous times what they do. She gives her exact job description and company name, but despite hearing her answer multiple times I still don't actually know what she does!

Same went for my DH when I first met him. It took me ages to actually understand what he does.

So perhaps the alternative option is to just give them an answer that totally bamboozles them in to not asking a follow up question and they have to move the conversation along themselves!

What is so invasive about someone asking you what you spend most of your time doing?

I agree with @Aslanplustwo and @Scarfweather.

This thread seems to split between people who are paranoid and people who are just genuinely and non judgementally interested in people.

Sometimes people ask because they are going to hit you for money or to sell stuff to you eg. at a new hairdresser who asks what you do in order to judge whether they can persuade you to buy fancy hair treatment product. Sometimes a yummy mummy type will ask but if you ask back in return then the husbands job will get dragged into it as well, Julian is a partner at Frobisher, Snobbs and Snooty, and I promote cordon bleu cookery classes at Poshos Organic Farm Emporium.

I understand, OP. A work colleague asked how much our holiday cottage cost. I thought that was pretty rude, and implicitly judging how we could afford it, etc. It made me feel judged and that I should be careful about what I discuss in even polite conversation.

You sound like hard work. How do you ever get to know people if you don’t even want to answer basic questions? What is deemed a safe and acceptable question in your eyes? You seem to have an inflated sense of ego, like anyone really truly cares what you do, when they don’t. I couldn’t live my life being so dismayed about this. How do you cope if you’re ever asked this information when it’s actually needed e.g. when you apply for anything financial or regarding your health? Do you just panic and refuse to answer?

No one minds being asked questions about an area of their life they're proud of, or even satisfied with.
If its such a big deal to be asked what you do, then it's the underlying issue YOU have with that that's the problem, and you need to either change it to something you are comfortable with; or make your peace with it, own it, and write off the judgement.
Concealing or witholding your occupation from other people doesn't change it, and if the relationship with the person is going to progress, they'll find out eventually. If the engagement is a one off, it doesn't matter what they think.
Its boring to be expected to talk about your job, but a brief response and swift turning of the conversation back to the questioner is effective, given most people who ask about your job will be happy to talk about their's.

They're really only asking because they can't wait to tell you what they do - just get your question in first.

When strangers meet in a social situation I think it’s understandable that they try to find a connection which makes both people feel comfortable. What someone does for a living obviously says a great deal about them and occupies a major amount of their lives. It often but not always defines who they are.

I would not ask the question to judge or categorise but simply to seek a connection which would make further conversation easier, more relaxed and interesting. I would never ask the question immediately, but if at some point in the conversation it felt appropriate and I thought I wouldn’t cause offence, I would.

So what do you do then, OP?! I'm intrigued.
OP said in the the first post- ‘this and that!! 😂

@GruffaIo
Surely there's a difference between "What do you do?" and "How much did your holiday cottage cost?"

In the real world outside of Mumsnet it really isn’t a sensitive topic.
I love to be asked about what I do - not because I like to talk about myself (I’m a blusher) but because it opens the conversation in many different ways. Even when I was a SAHM.
Some people here need to work on their self-esteem and confidence levels if being asked ‘what do you do?’ Is a problem.

It might be a liberating thought, but I don't think it's at all true. We all have thoughts and make judgements about people all the time. It's an intrinsic part of being a human. I've always thought that saying was a funny thing to believe unless you yourself only infrequently think about other people (which is unlikely)!
True, we all have thoughts about things, but I don't think a lot of people give it the level of depth that some of the more paranoid/insecure people think.

Usually leaving a conversation I'd be thinking about whether the person I was talking to was interesting, whether the conversation flowed or not, whether I could see us developing a friendship based on that impression, did they seem stand-offish.
I can't say I leave conversations thinking Sandra has X job, so she probably has Y salary, and that's good enough or not good enough for us to be friends. As if Debbie is only a .... I wonder what her finances are like. Penelope has a respectable job so she's the sort of person I'd want to be friends with because I only like being friends with people who have approved career pathways.