Hate being asked what I do

[EggDaisy]

AIBU to think this is a bit of a personal question and it's rude to ask?

"Where do you work?"
"What do you do?"
"What profession are you in?"

Etc.

I find it really invasive and wish people wouldn't ask! My situation is not straight forward so it takes a bit of explanation, and giving any level of information to a stranger who has just asked makes me feel uncomfortable.

Why is it anyone's buisness? I feel like they want to know where I "fit" - as in, am I skilled, roughly what that role would earn, what type of person am I; be honest, people judge you differently based on your job. You can be stereotyped so easily too.

Now I just reply "Oh, I do this and that."

It’s such a basic question. It’s ridiculous to pretend we don’t spend huge amounts of time engaged in paid and unpaid work and for the vast, vast, majority of people, a basic answer will be enough to move onto a follow up question to keep the conversation going. “Have you been doing that long?”, “My brother works in that industry”, “I’ve always been fascinated by spreadsheets”, “Do you travel a lot in that role”. Some people will judge you (positively or negatively) on what you do. The majority are just trying to not sit in silence and a far less concerned about you that you think. If they are judging you (and you are judging them for judging, and being nosy, and not being as good at small talk as you think you are) then maybe you should try giving fewer fucks about being judged by someone you dislike anyway. You are insanely naive to think someone hasn’t already judged you by the time you are at that point unless they have been escorted to you with a sack on their head, can’t hear your accent and haven’t been told your name.

“This and that” I would assume was “fuck all” or “criminal activity” “I don’t want to talk to you so I’m shutting this down”. What’s wrong with “I’m self employed” or “I’m a bit of a wheeler dealer” or “I tend to work temporary contracts through an agency” or whatever “this and that” actually is.

This. It can be a genuine conversation starter but more often a judgement on which box you can be slotted into.

Life/the person is more important than their work.

It's not 'either or' though. Anything you do for a large proportion of your time is 'life'. Yes it's only one aspect of the person, but being interested in what they do doesn't stop you from also being interested in them as a person and in the rest of their life.

I think that posters who think they are being judged by what they do says more about them than the person asking.

I hate it too, OP, but that's my problem, not that of the questioner. It's a normal thing to ask people and I don't consider it rude. I have a problem with it as I have had chronic ill health and haven't had steady employment and so have been embarrassed as to what to say.

I suggest you figure out what you want to call what you do for a living, make it simple (but not 'this and that'!) and stick to that, with a smile, and then question the other person to shift the emphasis off you.

A good neutral question is 'so, what do you get up to in your spare time?'

or a question that relates to your environment.

Party: so how do you know the hosts?
Meal out: have you ever eaten here before? Any other restaurants you recommend locally?
On holiday: got any holidays planned after this one?

I think that posters who think they are being judged by what they do says more about them than the person asking
I agree. Most people really don't care that much to spend a lot of time thinking about a stranger's/an acquaintance's work history.

If people are genuinely interested then they'll ask further questions or it was just a polite (and, usually, non controversial) conversation starter.

If it's because you feel they want to categorise you - firstly, why do you care about the opinion of someone so shallow? Secondly, make up something wild and walk away.

Why give headspace to people who you are unlikely to interact with again? And if you are going to be in their company just stick to bland answers and bring the conversation to a stop.

I usually say, ‘why, are you going to interview me for a role?’ and give a tinkly laugh and change the subject

Wtf. So someone asks a normal ‘small talk’ question and you do this passive-aggressive little performance implying they’ve asked something intrusive or inappropriate?

That’s so unpleasant.

It's a very normal question for small talk and if someone asks to be judgemental it says more about them then you.

I work in a supermarket, that's pretty much all there is to it. It's a good job, decent money and is flexible which for me is essential with children. I used to feel a bit embarrassed answering that question but actually it was covid that gave me a new found appreciation for my job and realise that my job role is just as important as anyone else's.

If you can't explain what you do in 30 seconds, do you really understand your job?

You do know by saying "this and that" actually draws more attention to you than saying I work in an office/IT/a leisure centre or I'm a stay at home parent. It never fails to surprise me how people who claim to hate attention so exactly the things that will draw attention to them.

I recall decades ago when I was late 30s/early 40s, being asked by an early career barrister, probably just out of a pupillage what I did and when I replied that "I was now at home with the children" she turned her back on me before I had a chance to say "but before that...." as I clearly had no further value to her. DH did. She looked a little uncomfortable when she discovered later whose wife I was.

Did I judge? Oh yes I judged. Did I care? Not particularly. Did DH care? Not in the slightest. Did it affect her prospects? Probably not? Did either of us like her or want to get to know her better on a personal level? No. Did she privately squirm bit? I'd like to think so but probably too crass.

Surely you just make up a boring but simple answer and then move on?

My role is complicated to explain, nobody would really care, and it's across two industries. I just say "I work in financial services", people rarely ask more. If they do it's usually because they also work in the industry, and then I can explain more OR I just say, "oh it's in X function". That's it.

It's one of the most basic, entry level questions people ask and the vast majority of people are just making polite conversation.

I think it's a very normal question, but I also hate it.

Mainly because I don't do one thing, I do several different 'jobs'. Most of my time is taken up with writing but I don't like to say I am a writer as that leads to loads of questions that I just don't feel like answering (What are you writing? Can I read something you have written? etc...). I also manage a few rental properties, and spend a bit of time caring for my elderly parents and my dcs. So I never know what to say. I might just start saying I'm retired! Sometimes I say what I used to do, pre-children.

And yes, some people are probably judging but most people are just making polite convo or are actually interested. If someone talks about 'work' in a social setting then I will see that as an opening to ask what they do, otherwise I tend to stay clear. Similarly I don't ask about children unless they mention them first. I usually stick to 'how do you know the host/hostess?' or 'do you live nearby?' and go from there.

Exactly. Imagine trying to have a conversation with someone like this in real life?

"Er no, just asking a question. So, what do you do in your spare time?"
"Why, are you going to join my cycling club?"
"Never mind, I've just spotted a brick wall I'd rather talk to"

There has got to be a simple sentence you can devise that is suitably vague but gives people an idea.

Depending on the audience I could say I do really dull things with spreadsheets or I could say I run a database, or I could say I do a back room job that supports frontline services. Sometimes I say, oh, I sit in front of a computer all day, terribly dull, what do you do? And it moves the conversation on.

This is quite a paranoid way of thinking.
If I ask that question it’s because I’m showing interest in you as a person.

If you are a SAHM it will allow me to ask relevant questions about your children, what activities you recommend or what you did before children; if you’re a doctor it allows me to express empathy for working during Covid or ask about a specialism; if you work in a bookshop, what kind of books you enjoy reading….and so on.
It’s CONVERSATION. We are sociable animals. If you feel people are judging you, you’re either paranoid, or if these judgmental people really exist, they will be judging you on everything, including appearance….so there’s nothing much you can do but pity them.

I just saw this and thought of this thread 😆

I had a bloke ask me what I drive once 😂 thats even worse.

I always ask this question. I don't particularly like my job so I find it interesting to see what other people get to spend their days doing. I don't care what they earn.

You’ll worry a lot less about what people think of you when you realise how infrequently they do.

This is one of the most useful pieces of advice I've ever received and I've lived by it since I was in my late teens. It's very liberating.

Yes I find it invasive and unimaginative as a small talk question.
OK if its several minutes in but as an entry level question nah, it comes accross as filleting and networky.

I live in an area where a lot of (women in particular) don't work or have been housewives all their lives, and I find it odd/annoying a lot of people I talk to locally actually don't ask what I do or assume I don't work, and that DH has the Big Important Job- particularly as I am WFH some days and find time to go for a run and walk the dog. It's a funny old bubble to be in sometimes.

Why is it anyone's buisness? I feel like they want to know where I "fit" - as in, am I skilled, roughly what that role would earn, what type of person am I; be honest, people judge you differently based on your job. You can be stereotyped so easily too

I’ve seen this to be true too - but I still ask what they do. I say ‘what do you do?’ and it implies ‘for work’ but allows those who don’t work (like me!) to say what they do too.