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Original poster

Non stop arguing after birth of baby

119 replies

Callisto01 · 30/05/2023 21:28

Hi all,

First time mumsnet user and mum here and looking for a bit of a rant and some advice.
I’m 8 weeks postpartum and currently on maternity leave. My partner works full time with a stressful job and over the past couple of weeks he has been really tough on me over the house work not being done to his standard which had caused some massive arguments.
I have just recovered from an infection after giving birth and I am now finally starting to feel a bit more like myself. Anyway, his point being is that he doesn’t really see me looking after our newborn as a job and thinks because, in his words, I’m “off work”, I should do all the chores in the house.
I do agree that I should take on most of the chores but I do require help with a couple of them, especially at the weekend when he is in the house constantly and makes such a huge mess and expects me to clean it up and when I do, it’s not good enough. He told me that I’m a good mum but a terrible home maker which has really angered me because most days I’m just keeping my head above water caring for our newborn and cleaning up after him, most days I don’t eat lunch so I can get more chores done.
All of this is damaging our relationship and I was wondering if anyone has any advice on how to achieve a balance on house chores or has had a similar experience? If so, does it get better?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Barleysugar86 · 30/05/2023 21:32

I clicked on this to say I think its normal- we didn't really argue at all before kids but we were so sleep deprived and exhausted we did bicker loads after.

But no this is extremely unfair. We shared maternity leave so each had a go at being home with the baby which really helped understand, but we keep a rule of time alone with the baby and time at work are both work and equal. So we each start the evening together on an even keel for sharing housework and needing a break.

Of course you aren't going to get anything done with a newborn! He needs a serious wake up call. Sorry OP he is not being fair at all.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/05/2023 21:32

No, looking after a newborn is a full time job and you are still recovering from birth and an infection, house work is still 50/50 imo, tell him you are not a house maid and your priority is the baby and yourself, nice to know he cares more about clean dishes and swept floors than you and the baby.
Don't put up with his attitude.

Vegalam · 30/05/2023 21:33

OK first of all, congratulations on your new arrival!

Second of all WTF. Your partner sounds awful. I have a 4.5 month old and my partner was very supportive, and even with that looking back I wish I'd have just not cared about housework so much. Looking after a newborn even with a straightforward birth is more than a full time job. You are doing great. Things do get easier.

In regards to what to do about your partner...I have no idea. If these are his fundamental misogynistic views you'll be hard pressed to chnage them. Do you have any other support? Did he have this attitude before you had a child?

ToK1 · 30/05/2023 21:33

Fuck that

Why on earth are even tolerating that shit?

If he wants things kept clean, he can keep them clean.

I'd honestly be kicking him out but if you dont want that then you need to put your foot down now.

You're not a maid.

he is a parent.

That involves working, parenting and housework outside of his working hours.

Get back to work ASAP and do not rely on this man

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 30/05/2023 21:33

He sounds like a dickhead.

Your job is to look after his baby 247 (I'm guessing you probably do all of the night feeds too!).

Whip the hoover round and do the washing up when you can but everything else can wait until you have more time.

There's no reason why he can't help out at the weekends if he has such a high standard.

The first few months are always the biggest change. You're doing the best you can.

orangesoda36 · 30/05/2023 21:35

If he is so insistent that the house be clean then he should bloody clean it.

Or hire a cleaner then everyone is happy.

Gowlett · 30/05/2023 21:36

My DH was a dickhead during the newborn stage. I don’t know how I got through it… My sympathy to you.

NerrSnerr · 30/05/2023 21:39

He needs to do his fair share of the housework. How much of the baby care is he doing when not working? I bet not much. You are recovering from birth and caring for a newborn!

The other thing to be mindful of is that if it falls to you to do all the house stuff when on maternity leave don't let it all fall to you when you return to work.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 30/05/2023 21:41

I'm guessing no matter how hard his job gets, he gets to switch off from it when he gets home too. So you're still left doing everything while he gets to chill after a 'stressful' day. Make sure you get breaks too. You deserve it.

Sissynova · 30/05/2023 21:42

He told me that I’m a good mum but a terrible home maker which has really angered me because most days I’m just keeping my head above water caring for our newborn and cleaning up after him, most days I don’t eat lunch so I can get more chores done.

He’s being ridiculous and you need to tell him that. You aren’t a homemaker, you work and also contribute to the finances.
Your job on mat leave is to look after the baby, not to be his slave. He is just as responsible for doing the chores.

DO NOT fall into the trap of doing everything in the house, and for the baby because you will then go back to work and he will still expect you to do everything while also paying half the bills.

maryberryslayers · 30/05/2023 21:43

That's fucking ridiculous. He's a bully.

Looking after a baby is harder than a full time job and you are recovering from giving birth.

No you absolutely should not take on the majority of the house work! You aren't 'off work' you are on maternity leave, to look after your baby!

Tell him if he wants a clean house he can pay a cleaner or do his fair share! Stop letting him treat you like shit!

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 30/05/2023 21:45

You could always split the leave too so you can both have a time off to look after the baby. Then he can be the wonderful homemaker. I'm sure his answer to that would be a big fat no though.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/05/2023 21:48

I would strongly advise you to not give up work after maternity leave.
I would perhaps even tell him you're thinking of going back ASAP and then you can both split childcare and chores right down the line whilst shelling out for nursery or a nanny.

Is he topping up your pention whilst you are caring for his child btw?

Aquamarine1029 · 30/05/2023 21:48

This behaviour doesn't just come out of nowhere. Sadly, I think you ignored a lot of red flags. You can't raise a child in this environment.

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 30/05/2023 21:48

Ask him to tell you hour by hour what he thinks you do all day. His idea of what you do all day will be so off the mark. Please please don't put up with this.
Explain to him exactly what you have to do to look after a baby and explain how exhausting it is, explain that your body needs to recover.
Whatever you do, do not be lead by his ridiculous standards.

Merrow · 30/05/2023 21:48

I have a 10 week old, and my day involves looking after a 10 week old! I try and cook as DP is useless at that, but even then DP sees a day I've achieved that as a bonus rather than a given. We hired a cleaner. I do significantly less house work than when I was in full time work!

Matildalamp · 30/05/2023 21:50

I have no advice, but I’m so sorry. He’s an idiot, and you’d be better off without him.

longstayer · 30/05/2023 21:50

Does he feed baby, change nappies, clear up sick and poo, wash clothes, change cot bedding, rock a screaming child and get up every few hours through every night?

No, then he has no right to comment on your housekeeping.

MumApril1990 · 30/05/2023 21:52

LTB

This won’t get better. The fact you’ve recently given birth and had an infection and he’s telling you off about housework just isn’t normal.

insetinsects · 30/05/2023 21:52

You need to nip this in the bud now! If you don't he will expect his life to be unchanged by children while you absorb all the mental and physical stress to keep his highness comfortable and in the manner he think he deserves. This is not sustainable for years and you will run yourself into the ground. Set the boundaries now while you still can, it's not his Lordship who you need to serve, you are supposed to be a team working together in this.

Hugasauras · 30/05/2023 21:54

He's a prick. Why does he get to do less now he's had a baby? Surely he had to do chores pre-baby so why the fuck shouldn't he do them after? Why is he making the house a mess?

Sorry, OP, unpleasant men often show who they really are when a baby arrives Sad

Original poster
Callisto01 · 30/05/2023 21:57

It’s good to hear all your opinions and that I’m not actually failing at anything but rather his expectations are too high.
He’s a good dad to our baby but I do think his views on things are quite misogynistic.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 30/05/2023 21:58

YANBU l am in a similar situation and l sympathise -we have 2 month old twins. Husband told me l need to do more round the house 😠. Cue lots of rows. He did some solo parenting in the past week or so which wound his neck in a bit. I suggest you do the same. Don’t take any shit off him

TheShellBeach · 30/05/2023 22:01

Tell him you're going out for the day at the weekend and leave him with the baby.
He'll soon find out what hard work it is.
He sounds like a complete bellend.

Hugasauras · 30/05/2023 22:01

I always see this on here: 'he's a good dad'. But what does he actually do? Does he spent 20 mins after work chucking baby up into the air and going 'wheeee!' and feel like he's dad of the year? Or does he actually parent, you know, change nappies, do night feeds, take baby so you can rest, all the other stuff you are doing day in day out? And good fathers are not misogynistic pieces of shit to their babies' mothers. You can't be a good dad and treat the mother of your child like a skivvy in front of them. The two are not compatible.