Non stop arguing after birth of baby

[Callisto01]

Hi all,

First time mumsnet user and mum here and looking for a bit of a rant and some advice.
I’m 8 weeks postpartum and currently on maternity leave. My partner works full time with a stressful job and over the past couple of weeks he has been really tough on me over the house work not being done to his standard which had caused some massive arguments.
I have just recovered from an infection after giving birth and I am now finally starting to feel a bit more like myself. Anyway, his point being is that he doesn’t really see me looking after our newborn as a job and thinks because, in his words, I’m “off work”, I should do all the chores in the house.
I do agree that I should take on most of the chores but I do require help with a couple of them, especially at the weekend when he is in the house constantly and makes such a huge mess and expects me to clean it up and when I do, it’s not good enough. He told me that I’m a good mum but a terrible home maker which has really angered me because most days I’m just keeping my head above water caring for our newborn and cleaning up after him, most days I don’t eat lunch so I can get more chores done.
All of this is damaging our relationship and I was wondering if anyone has any advice on how to achieve a balance on house chores or has had a similar experience? If so, does it get better?

Thanks.

@Callisto01

You didn't know that before you had a baby?

How is he a good dad when he treats you like shit?

How did chores work before the baby arrived?

Hes expecting waaaay too much here, sounds like he had an idea in his head how this was going to be
its amazing how some men can be totally heartless and resentful towards the woman who just gave birth to their child !!

you’re a terrible home maker? Well here’s the thing - you’re NOT a home maker. You’re on maternity leave with an 8 week old! What chores are so important to him??

Whatever you do don’t give up work and become a sahm

Hmmmm....he definitely needs to be left with baby for an hour or two while being tasked with a to do list. He's frankly horrendous and needs to be humbled.

He sounds like a complete twat.

Good dads don't treat the mothers of their kids like shit.

Hey OP. So sorry he’s being such a dick. My advice is get him to babysit - sorry, parent - for a whole day while you have a day out with friends or family. Expect him to make a healthy dinner too upon your return (not takeaway) and make it clear you expect to return to a clean home. I find that usually does the trick when they come home and are relieved to be able to have a pee without worrying about the baby/toddler. Sounds like he hasn’t got a clue about what your daily routines entail.

A swift (as you like) return to full time work with him sharing the tab for nursery and perhaps even a cleaning bill when you don’t have time to be his housemaid anymore might also do the trick. He will also have to share the domestic and parenting load of you decided to go back full time. But of course entirely up to you. I would personally rather go back to work than be treated like that - although I’m certainly not anti stay at home parenting!

Good fathers don't treat the mothers of their children like unpaid help and demand cleaning services whilst she is recovering from an infection.

He is not a good dad because if he knew what it took to take care of a newborn properly he would understand how much of that takes up your time, so no he is neither a good father nor husband.

He is being an utter shit.

The fact you're annoyed speaks volumes - don't put up with this behaviour you'll make yourself unhappy!

I relate to this - my daughter is now 15 months I'm now back at work so cleaning is done as and when I've got time just bits as I can or as I go - my partner doesn't really do cleaning but will help with things such as wiping down the sides or emptying the dw / cook meals when I've been at work / hangs out some washing - I regret spending so much time on cleaning during my maternity leave - I would use nap times to clean instead of eat / shower / nap. Self care and respect is SO important also the summer is coming don't stay cooped up inside cleaning get out with baby - go to baby groups / make new mum friends! / coffee / walks to break the day up and also if you're not in less mess to clean ☺️

He needs to help you - yes he is working but having a young baby is non stop and can be overwhelming for you too! He can't be spending the weekend as he used too and certainly not lounging round making mess for you to clean up - he's a dad not a teenage lad - I hope he gives you a break on these days too.. in fact I hope he helps you after work with house and baby - Sorry if I sound rude but I'm just thinking of my experience - I've had to learn to delegate a little bit - communication is key. Also if you've got family & friends that can help utilise that - ask for help, don't run yourself to the ground - you sound like a brilliant mum!

Unfortunately lots of us don’t find out that our partner is a misogynistic prick until after the baby is born. A partner who seems lovely, kind and equal when you’re both single people doing 50/50, quite often becomes a selfish prick when a baby is thrown into the mix. Basically because he doesn’t want to do his share of sacrificing, he wants you to do it all. Many relationships don’t recover from this, because as weeks turn into months and years you become resentful about being dumped on.

Textbook abuse.

He's a prick.

Don't let him make you feel bad. He can have a lovely clean house when you kick him into the gutter where he belongs.

Disgusting.

What are you supposed to do with the baby while you're scrubbing the toilet? When baby naps it's either on you so you can't move, or if they nap in a cot, you need to eat, drink and rest.

It's normal for new parents to bicker but his expectations are a joke. Have you got support from friends or family?

Are you breastfeeding? If not, can you leave the baby with him for a day to show him how difficult it is.

If you are breastfeeding then tell him to take a day off work to look after the baby, you will feed but do nothing else, and again see how much he gets done.

Agree he sounds like a nasty bully though, I think you should definitely go back to work asap and avoid having any more kids with him.

Help? It's their bloody home too and you're not staff!

If something needs doing then whoever is available can do it - and at evenings and weekends then the 'working' parent pitches in. They are NOT helping. Any more than looking after their child is 'babysitting'

As a former HR Manager I can confirm that there is no such thing as Homemaker leave (also, does he live in the 1940's?!). Maternity leave however does exist and is intended to look after a newborn baby. Having had 3 children myself, it most definitely is a full time job!

The first few months with a newborn can be utterly brutal and it takes time to find your stride. Once you have then yes maybe there will be time to do "everything" if you want to, or maybe you'll want to be out at groups and swimming. Fwiw I had an infection with my third and it really wiped me out. It was HARD!!

Your husband is being a dick. If he wants a homemaker then he can pay for a cleaner or housekeeper!

He's a shit husband and a shit Dad.

My house is upside down and my baby isn’t even home yet! Baby is in nicu and between school runs, hospital runs and expressing my house is certainly not sitting how it usually does! It’s untidy but not unclean and that’s all that matters!

Your doing your best for you, your baby and your home, don’t let this boy tell you otherwise and I’m saying boy cos no real man would put all that on the shoulders of a woman he loves, who’s just birthed his child and is doing her damn best!

I said YABU. You must be able to see this is ridiculous and unreasonable behaviour from him and martyring yourself won't help. I simply cannot believe the signs weren't there before you had a kid with him?

My mentor gave me great advice: “When on maternity leave your job (that you are being paid for) is to look after the baby. All the other stuff (housework etc) happens in the time it did before you were off.” I found this so helpful, and made me less stressed about the mess and my inability to get a lot done (some days, nothing other than a shower and a walk).

Sorry you feel under pressure. My husband made me drinks and food for the day (with his packed lunches) which were not always needed, but showed that he cared. We then went 50:50 in evenings and weekends- to be fair he does more I think as his way of showing love is to be practical!

Its so easy to fall into the bickering/ arguing/ competitive tiredness/ who’s got it worse thing. We tried really hard to avoid it where possible, but it is so easy to feel hard done by, and compare roles. We def did not get this right all the time. It’s such a big change.

You’ve had a hard time, recovering physically (and the rest) and keeping a small human alive. Well done! Doing anything else is a bonus!

His attitude is so worrying OP. Tmyouve just had a baby. Your body is still healing - I was still bleeding, suffering with anaemia and sore stitches at that point, not to mention the hormones and sleep deprecation...plus you have a newborn to look after.

If looking after a newborn is such a piece of piss, why do nannies get paid a decent wage? And why doesn't he do it all weekend so you can catch up on housework? Why do parents talk about not having time to have a shower or have a cup of tea or eat a proper meal if they have so much leisure time?

When I was on mat leave and was frustrated as I hadnt realised how all consuming it was and wasnt getting anything else done, my husband said to me 'your job is to keep the baby alive, and we can deal with everything else together'...and we did.

I'd be really careful what you accept here as this could set the tone for the rest of your relationship. You will be default housekeeper and parent and he will be 'the boss', criticising your work. If he genuinely wanted your marriage to work he would listen instead of criticize and try and live in your shoes to genuinely see what it's like. If he doesn't, I'd really consider calling it quits now as it will only get worse if he realises you will put up with his lazy misogynistic shit. As if anyone makes a mess and expects the mother of their newborn to tidy it then criticises them for not doing it to their standard.

And he isnt a great dad. Great dads 1. Realise (or at least have the first clue) what looking after their baby involves and 2. Support their partner to be a great mum, including doing the housework while she recovers. He is letting your baby down and you down

Congratulations on your new baby!

Your partner is awful. Just awful.

YANBU. He sounds awful. You’re recovering from birth and an infection - you should be doing zero housework!

I argued with DH loads after DS was born, but it was over sleep related things because we were both so exhausted. It was never about house work! DH could see I was wrecked. We had a cleaner (can you afford one?) and DH did a bit round the house at night when he got home. I’d stick on a wash if I could, but that was about it for a long time.

Stand up for yourself.

Ask him if he thought everything would be exactly the same when the baby came. Surely he can't think so so he has to expect some changes, one of which is it is bloody hard work looking after a baby and housework can wait.
Ask him if he is a mysogynist

sadly I agree with this.

He's an arsehole you've recently given birth to his baby , he should be looking after you and worshiping the ground you walk on.

Such a sad post

Does this man know that in order to be a good father he needs to do more than just go to work five days a week?!?!

Does he know he needs to actually look after his child? Feed his child, dress and interact with the child?!

Are you getting a lie in on a weekend? If not why not?

Have you left him with the baby so he understands what it all involves?

I feel angry on your behalf

Insist he takes paternity leave and tell him you want to
go back to work for a break because he darn well won’t give you one!!!

He has no idea what it is like. Put your foot down and tell him you both work all day and that when he gets in he needs to pull his weight because you are not on a 24 hour shift and nor are you a single parent!!!

sYing that you’d have less work to do if you were one

Blimey op your post really makes me angry, you should be looking after and enjoying your baby not cleaning the house!!

Words fail me.

You don't have to put up with it....