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Original poster

Non stop arguing after birth of baby

119 replies

Callisto01 · 30/05/2023 21:28

Hi all,

First time mumsnet user and mum here and looking for a bit of a rant and some advice.
I’m 8 weeks postpartum and currently on maternity leave. My partner works full time with a stressful job and over the past couple of weeks he has been really tough on me over the house work not being done to his standard which had caused some massive arguments.
I have just recovered from an infection after giving birth and I am now finally starting to feel a bit more like myself. Anyway, his point being is that he doesn’t really see me looking after our newborn as a job and thinks because, in his words, I’m “off work”, I should do all the chores in the house.
I do agree that I should take on most of the chores but I do require help with a couple of them, especially at the weekend when he is in the house constantly and makes such a huge mess and expects me to clean it up and when I do, it’s not good enough. He told me that I’m a good mum but a terrible home maker which has really angered me because most days I’m just keeping my head above water caring for our newborn and cleaning up after him, most days I don’t eat lunch so I can get more chores done.
All of this is damaging our relationship and I was wondering if anyone has any advice on how to achieve a balance on house chores or has had a similar experience? If so, does it get better?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Yousee · 31/05/2023 06:20

What kind of fucking idiot thinks that being a parent to a newborn means his life will become easier?!
He's a dad with a mighty fruitful penis so now he doesn't have to pick up his shit anymore?
He's not a good dad. A good dad would look after the mother of their baby, not stress her out and bully her.
Open your eyes.

PurBal · 31/05/2023 06:32

I wanted to echo that whilst to some extent this is normal he’s being a dick. DH used to say we had a baby: he suddenly had to do all the housework and I was “just” looking after the baby. I do think the newborn stage is hard on dads, a friend used to say you become a mother the day you see a positive pregnancy test, but for men it’s the day baby is born. And jealousy, though he wouldn’t admit it is real. I also think it will get better. For a long time I’d spend whatever time I wasn’t looking after DS trying to fulfil DH expectations, to the point I didn’t have time to shower and forgot to eat. It didn’t help that he struggled to bond (he tried). The first 6 months were hell for our relationship, we had to learn what it meant to be a couple and also be parents (DH would say things like he’d “lost” his wife), but 12 months was a real turning point. DS is 22mo and they’re really close.

Receiverofrage · 31/05/2023 06:39

I don’t see any way around this sorry. His views are appalling. And you are right they are misogynistic. People on here can tell you to put your foot down, but it sounds like his is immovably down too, and won’t shift.

Fundamentally this is about his view of women and their role ( skivvies to him). Unless he has some miraculous Damascene shift on that (unlikely, his views suit him as he doesn’t have to do domestic work he clearly sees as beneath him or do the work of supporting his wife).

My only advice is to keep your job full time and get yourself in a state to leave him when you feel ready. Because life with him and kids is going to be one of you feeling permanent rage and resentment.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 31/05/2023 06:45

He a terrible husband and a sexist cunt. In my opinion.

SkyandSurf · 31/05/2023 06:51

Sissynova · 30/05/2023 21:42

He told me that I’m a good mum but a terrible home maker which has really angered me because most days I’m just keeping my head above water caring for our newborn and cleaning up after him, most days I don’t eat lunch so I can get more chores done.

He’s being ridiculous and you need to tell him that. You aren’t a homemaker, you work and also contribute to the finances.
Your job on mat leave is to look after the baby, not to be his slave. He is just as responsible for doing the chores.

DO NOT fall into the trap of doing everything in the house, and for the baby because you will then go back to work and he will still expect you to do everything while also paying half the bills.

This.

You need to immediately start doing LESS.

Maternity leave is to recover from pregnancy and childbirth, bond with the baby and look after the baby. Not to suddenly become Susie Homemaker waiting at the door of a sparkling house with a cocktail.

You aren't a 'homemaker' - you are on maternity leave. His job is working outside the home, you facilitate this by caring for your shared child.

It is not your job to clean up after him.

He needs to adjust his expectations, shut his mouth and pick up a Hoover.

I'd be furious.

Gettingbysomehow · 31/05/2023 06:52

Who the fuck does he think he is? Looking after a newborn is a full time job and you will still be recovering from the birth and being up all night. Id be absolutely furious if someone had a go at me because the house wasn't immaculate. He is supposed to be protecting and supporting you not bullying you like this. I think this is horrendous. He is a real prick.

MadeofCheeese · 31/05/2023 06:56

I'm 10 months post partum.
Whenever I do a lot in the house or the garden DH keeps reminding me to take it easy, that I've had a rough couple of years physically and mentally and I'm still recovering.
Told him he annoyed me last night, after reading your post I should go say I'm sorry.

SkyandSurf · 31/05/2023 07:06

SparklyBlackKitten · 31/05/2023 01:25

An 8 week old baby is not a newborn op

But your dh is a fruitloop
And NOT a good dad 😅
NOR a good husband 🤣

Stop sticking your head in the sand
Stop making excuses for him
Stop pretending he is not an arsehole.

Because he is

And you are sort of pretending he is only a little bit bad...no op... he is not...

He is A Dick

I'd call an 8 week old baby a newborn.

Is there some official cut off for the term?

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 31/05/2023 07:08

Well if looking after a baby isn't work then he can do it all weekend can't he. That'll leave you free to catch up on sleep and look after yourself

Receiverofrage · 31/05/2023 07:08

Just want to add to what everyone has said about him not being a good dad.

A good Dad realizes the kids can only be ok if the mother is ok ( Family support workers work on the same principle). A good Dad knows this and knows that part of his role is making sure his wife is ok. There are plenty of posters here who have shown you from their own lives, what it looks like when a man does this.

A family cannot be happy unless everyone in it is happy, and you all need to work together to achieve that.

ChimneyP0t · 31/05/2023 07:11

I almost never comment on here but have to say his attitude is horrendous. When you're home alone with a newborn you can expect to get nothing else done. When you're both at home you can share out the housework equally. Every minute he's at work you're also at work caring for baby. It's at least as hard (probably more) than anything he's doing. He needs to wake up!

Odile13 · 31/05/2023 07:12

His expectations are unrealistic and he also sounds mean with it. Just because you are on maternity leave doesn’t mean he now doesn’t have to lift a finger with housework. I would be absolutely furious if my DH had those views. He has a stressful full time job and I work part time but we still both do our share of housework.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/05/2023 07:13

Callisto01 · 30/05/2023 21:57

It’s good to hear all your opinions and that I’m not actually failing at anything but rather his expectations are too high.
He’s a good dad to our baby but I do think his views on things are quite misogynistic.

A good dad would be supportive of their mother. Don’t be fooled by this thinking. You’re facilitating his being able to cuddle and coo over your child as he’s expecting you to do the grunt work. He sounds like a Disney dad in the making.

I’m fuming by what you wrote. I also had as womb infection post birth. I felt really lousy. Breastfeeding (or bottle feeding which takes a long time to prep etc), recovery, up all hours, bleeding, hormones all over the place is standard and that’s without considering if the baby is mostly happy and healthy.

He needs to seriously change his attitude. Can his mummy give him a talking to?

Odile13 · 31/05/2023 07:14

P.S. and when I was on maternity leave DH did loads around the house because I couldn’t get much done with a baby to look after and I was recovering from episiotomy and didn’t feel ‘right’ for 3 months.

OhDoh · 31/05/2023 07:15

I'm so mad for you OP! He's an idiot! You are still recovering. A newborn is a full time job! They need you - it's the reason maternity leave is a thing!
Honestly my house looked like a bomb site for weeks after DS was born because he was my only priority.. DP didn't give too flying hoots of the livingroom could do with a hoover as he agreed.
Seriously show him this thread so he can see how much of a dick he is.
A newborn, being up all night and being post partum is enough to deal with without having to deal with an immature man child.

TheKobayashiMaru · 31/05/2023 07:15

Sounds like he doesn't have a clue what looking after a baby day in and day out is actually like in reality

ChrisTrepidation · 31/05/2023 07:23

Put the misogynistic prick back in his time machine and return him to the 1950s.

You can't make this better. You have partnered with a chauvinist who essentially thinks house work and child care is womens work. This is who he is.

Is he really a great dad? What does he do that makes him so? Does he do 50/50 on night waking? Do bath times? Take baby out so you can get some rest?

The fact that you are missing meals to clean the house is shocking. You have a new baby. He should be looking after you.

Straightsidedcircle · 31/05/2023 07:32

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Jifmicroliquid · 31/05/2023 07:36

There are so many threads started on this site regarding the behaviour of men that it’s really made me very glad I chose to stay single! You’ve just had a baby and your whole world has been turned upside down, how dare he even comment on the state of the house.
I couldn’t stay with someone as arrogant as this I’m afraid.

Poppins2016 · 31/05/2023 07:48

How much did your DH pitch in with housework before you had the baby? I feel he's using your maternity leave as a very convenient excuse...

You mentioned that he thinks you're having a jolly time off work, so I'd point out that what you're doing is actually a job(s): maternity nanny, nanny, cleaner, PA and it's hard work.

malificent7 · 31/05/2023 07:49

He is one of those 1950s men who see you as "mum" now and is using it so that you can conform to the housewife stereotype and basically be a slave in your own home. If he keeps it up, throw him out.

Poppins2016 · 31/05/2023 07:49

Poppins2016 · 31/05/2023 07:48

How much did your DH pitch in with housework before you had the baby? I feel he's using your maternity leave as a very convenient excuse...

You mentioned that he thinks you're having a jolly time off work, so I'd point out that what you're doing is actually a job(s): maternity nanny, nanny, cleaner, PA and it's hard work.

I can't afford my wife

I Can’t Afford My Wife

Flat out, no question, game over, I cannot afford my wife to be a Stay-At-Home Mom. And that’s just the beginning of it.

https://faithit.com/i-cant-afford-my-wife-steven-nelms

malificent7 · 31/05/2023 07:50

Or leave him with baby for a few hours. See what he thinks then. Say you are nipping to the shops and go for ages.

Redebs · 31/05/2023 07:52

OP, please talk to your GP about this situation. You need support in what sounds like an abusive situation

Catsonskis · 31/05/2023 07:59

I haven’t read the full thread but at most your job is looking after the baby between 9 and 5. It’s 50/50 on parenting and chores outside of those hours.