Non stop arguing after birth of baby

[Callisto01]

Hi all,

First time mumsnet user and mum here and looking for a bit of a rant and some advice.
I’m 8 weeks postpartum and currently on maternity leave. My partner works full time with a stressful job and over the past couple of weeks he has been really tough on me over the house work not being done to his standard which had caused some massive arguments.
I have just recovered from an infection after giving birth and I am now finally starting to feel a bit more like myself. Anyway, his point being is that he doesn’t really see me looking after our newborn as a job and thinks because, in his words, I’m “off work”, I should do all the chores in the house.
I do agree that I should take on most of the chores but I do require help with a couple of them, especially at the weekend when he is in the house constantly and makes such a huge mess and expects me to clean it up and when I do, it’s not good enough. He told me that I’m a good mum but a terrible home maker which has really angered me because most days I’m just keeping my head above water caring for our newborn and cleaning up after him, most days I don’t eat lunch so I can get more chores done.
All of this is damaging our relationship and I was wondering if anyone has any advice on how to achieve a balance on house chores or has had a similar experience? If so, does it get better?

Thanks.

Same.

He can't have it both ways. If looking after a baby is easy he will willingly do it all evening and night and at weekends. If that sounds hard to him ask why he thinks it's easy for you?

Do you have anyone who could talk to him? His attitude sucks. Clearly it came from somewhere so his parents might not be helpful but maybe a sister? Cousin? Friend with kids?

Good luck OP, please talk to your health visitor etc about this as I worry it could become abusive.

“Home maker”🤮

Wonder how he would manage if he was left at home all day with the baby? He needs to have a word with himself.

we need to stop letting these fuckheads ejaculate inside us. SERIOUSLY. So many arsehole 'D'Hs on here after the babies come along, what the fuck. OP - he's a cunt. "to his standards" are you living in the Victorian era? Fuck him. Either he puts up or leaves.

...and you both left the useless pieces of skin and didn't have more kids with them, right? Please tell me that happened.

Not had any more kids, no.
After being gaslit into believing I was the problem and having a mental breakdown, I'm currently still stuck.

He sounds like an absolute prick tbh. There's no way I could of kept my house clean when my son was a newborn I couldn't even make lunch for myself a lot of days as he was stuck to me 24/7! I'd be having an honest conversation with him about how unfair he's been and if it continues he can just feck off somewhere else where he will be mammied. Otherwise he can pay for a cleaner, the dick.

Please don't feel guilty or anything you're doing a great job and bonding with your newborn 💖 houses are to be lived in!

Please do not even consider having another baby with this twat!

Homemaker?!?!

Fair enough doing most the housework whilst on maternity during the week, but your his wife, not his slave, so weekends should be 50/50!

Nasty bullying man.

You need to be very careful.

Only scum bully a new mother recovering from childbirth.

Good men do not behave like this.

Reach out for support from friends and family.

Go back to work full-time.

Do not expect the relationship to last.

Be prepared for this eventuality.

Mind yourself.

I wonder what the psychology is behind this. Not that it’s an excuse. It’s appalling behaviour, in which they are in total control.

I cannot imagine a man not being awed by what his partner has done in pregnancy and birth, and wanting to care for her and their baby, not tear strips off her and feel contempt.

These threads really get to me, I realise how lucky I am and I want to rescue the women involved. Not quite to start a commune, but to help them realise they are valued and it really does not need to be this way. And to devise creative ways to seek vengeance on these total failures of men.

He sounds like a twat. He obviously hasn't cared for a newborn for a full day.

Well he can fuck off.

Why is he unable to clean? Does he require a carer to do so or is he just a lazy bastard?

The poor op probably didn’t have the time to come back thanks to her partners cleaning demands

I really feel for you, and I agree with some that you trying to keep up to his ridiculous standards will just be a cycle you never break from. You’ll end up back at work, still doing all the childcare and all the housework too.

You need to communicate with him now, set a reasonable split because you’re BOTH parents, and both working (maternity leave is not OFF work it’s recovering from pregnancy and birth and adjusting to a baby, all of which are certainly not a jolly, I know my postpartum was far from what my previous weeks “off” work had looked like!) and as far as the homemaker comment goes… well, speechless, I thought that term died decades ago.

I hope you have friends/ family to chat to but I really do think you need some conversations with you husband around how he views you/ your relationship because I’d be concerned about his attitudes rubbing off on the child.

might be best to sit him down and have a calm conversation about the jobs that need doing. Your priority at the moment is you and baby. Its still very early days. Housework can wait. He needs to be pulling his weight here and doing 50:50. Is he getting up in the night with baby?

if he’s struggling to compromise, id start looking to get your ducks in order because he wint change and soon youll be expected to return to work full time plus everything your doing now, whilst he does nothing..

He can go fuck himself.

If he wants a 1950's "homemaker" then he can be a traditional 1950s man can't he?
If he REALLY wants traditional - he can

1. legally marry you and you can stay at home making the home to his hearts content;
2. he can go out and work, handing in all his money to you for the housekeeping and you can hand him back a few shillings for his baccy and pint once a week. And if it's not enough in his wage packet every week, then he can get a second job, since he's the "breadwinner" and you've a full time job keeping the kids and house spotless.

Or alternatively he can get it into his head sharpish that the reason you are off work right now is that the baby is currently your full time job. And that outside of any hours HE works, you both are responsible for household care.

He's misogynistic yet you had a baby with him. Don't have any more. That sounds harsh but you need to realise that a loving partner would not behave this way. What you have is shackles round your ankles, a deadweight basically. Everyone has different standards and we can all accept different things. Consider what you want in a partner and honestly ask if he is it.

Also you've said he's a good dad. How do you measure that because going out to work and earning a living doesn't make him a 'good' anything? Does he take over with baby once he gets home? Does he change nappies, feed the baby, do the bedtime routine, does he play with him?

I think it's sad that ypu had to ask if yabu as clearly you aren't. Best of luck to you.

So if looking after a baby 'isn't work' then why can't he come home and look after the baby whilst you finish up the housework?

More like it's only work when he has to do it I'd imagine.