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Original poster

Non stop arguing after birth of baby

119 replies

Callisto01 · 30/05/2023 21:28

Hi all,

First time mumsnet user and mum here and looking for a bit of a rant and some advice.
I’m 8 weeks postpartum and currently on maternity leave. My partner works full time with a stressful job and over the past couple of weeks he has been really tough on me over the house work not being done to his standard which had caused some massive arguments.
I have just recovered from an infection after giving birth and I am now finally starting to feel a bit more like myself. Anyway, his point being is that he doesn’t really see me looking after our newborn as a job and thinks because, in his words, I’m “off work”, I should do all the chores in the house.
I do agree that I should take on most of the chores but I do require help with a couple of them, especially at the weekend when he is in the house constantly and makes such a huge mess and expects me to clean it up and when I do, it’s not good enough. He told me that I’m a good mum but a terrible home maker which has really angered me because most days I’m just keeping my head above water caring for our newborn and cleaning up after him, most days I don’t eat lunch so I can get more chores done.
All of this is damaging our relationship and I was wondering if anyone has any advice on how to achieve a balance on house chores or has had a similar experience? If so, does it get better?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 30/05/2023 22:34

Tell him one Saturday you are going out, here’s the list of things you would normally do, and here’s the baby. I expect to see it all done, to a good standard when I return

i can guarantee he won’t moan again

Goldbar · 30/05/2023 22:34

I don't really have any advice for you except telling him to fuck off.

I have complained bitterly in the past about my husband being a workaholic and not pulling his weight at home to the extent that it has damaged our marriage. He has gone through stages of being fairly useless and our house has run the full spectrum of looking like it has been burgled to very untidy to having some semblance of order. But never, never has he criticised the state of the house or my efforts in that direction, even when it has been such a mess that we can't find anything. If my husband had ever said that I was "failing" at being a bloody homemaker or insinuated that the house was entirely my responsibility, I would have had his head displayed artfully on a pike outside our house.

Might I suggest borrowing from the following phrases:
"I don't give a shit, if you're that wound up about it, clean it yourself".
"You're a big boy, I'm sure you can figure out how to use a hoover".
"I'm not your skivvy and I'm not interested in "making a home" for you".
"You're not my manager and I don't need a performance review from you".

Spectre8 · 30/05/2023 22:36

You say he creates alot of the mess, why not go away and let him see how much mess he creates and has to clean up after himself. What a tool.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 30/05/2023 22:36

Tell him to get fucked. HTH.

Maray1967 · 30/05/2023 22:38

Callisto01 · 30/05/2023 21:57

It’s good to hear all your opinions and that I’m not actually failing at anything but rather his expectations are too high.
He’s a good dad to our baby but I do think his views on things are quite misogynistic.

I am absolutely dumbfounded at this , OP. I don’t know any one of my male friends or parters or my female friends who behaved like this 20 years ago when our Dc were born. Not one. Some didn’t pull their weight as they should have but none told their wife/ partner that she was a bad homemaker.
What the hell???

Get him told: any more comments like that and you will do NOTHING to benefit him in any way.

Wishitsnows · 30/05/2023 22:38

You say he’s a good dad, but why would you think that. You also say he has a stressful job, does he really or is that just what he says. Maybe he just doesn’t handle minor stress very well.

crackfoxy · 30/05/2023 22:39

Leave him with the baby for a day alone and see what gets done then!

SnackSizeRaisin · 30/05/2023 22:40

When the baby is only 8 weeks old it's him that should be the "homemaker", not you. He has an unreasonable idea of what it's like to have a newborn. He should be encouraging you to sleep when you can, or to go out and meet people, not to do housework.

I reckon I had about 30 minutes a day where I was baby free. That was enough to do the washing up. I didn't do any other housework for quite a while. Partner did all cooking and shopping and hoovering, a lot of the other stuff just got left or done very infrequently. I certainly wouldn't have been clearing up the mess made by another adult . It was a juggling act to fit in a shower some days.

There's definitely an adjustment period when a new baby arrives and it can be hard and require some extra communication and allowances made. Things do get easier and by the time baby is 6 months you will probably find you can do a lot more.

Have a conversation with your husband, tell him what you are thinking, explain that you are disappointed he is expecting you to do everything and that you want to be a team, explain the difference between a stay at home mum to a child of 1 year or more, and being on maternity leave.

Dibbydoos · 30/05/2023 22:42

How did he get into your mind and make you a robot?

You have a job, you're a mum. He can help with the chores, it's not yoyr job to tody up after him.

Do you love him or gave you been groomed? I honestly don't get how people end up thinking answering their partners beck and call is their purpose in life. It isn't.

BreatheAndFocus · 30/05/2023 22:42

He makes a mess and then has the bloody gall to criticise you for not cleaning it up good enough?!! I’m so angry on your behalf. He’s an ignorant shit. Looking after a baby is a fulltime job!

Do you think this nastiness stems from jealousy of the baby? Some men revert to complete children if they don’t get the attention they think they deserve. Or was he always like this?

There’s no getting through to some people. I don’t even want to suggest you leave the baby with him for an hour because he sounds so self-centred and ignorant, I’d worry he’d lose his temper. I’m trying to think of helpful suggestions but really all I can think of is to tell him to get lost frankly.

SnackSizeRaisin · 30/05/2023 22:45

Also, he is not a good dad just because he is nice to the baby. That's just the next rung above neglectful. A good dad supports the newly postpartum mother of his child, as well as doing his fair share of household chores. He does that because he cares about his child and the home and family they grow up in.

PaigeMatthews · 30/05/2023 22:50

Callisto01 · 30/05/2023 21:57

It’s good to hear all your opinions and that I’m not actually failing at anything but rather his expectations are too high.
He’s a good dad to our baby but I do think his views on things are quite misogynistic.

He is a wanker. Time to leave him.

Hellno45 · 30/05/2023 22:52

He is a pig.

Your job is to look after the baby. Its an exhausting job. Above that everything is a bonus. He is also a parent and should be doing his share of parenting including getting up in the night.

In all honesty. I would tell him that your meant to be a team. He either is part of that team or he isn't. If he doesn't want to do his share, pick up after himself and he wants to be a pig then you can separate and you won't have to clean up his shit. You'd also get a few hours to look after yourself while he has his contact with his child.

Piglet89 · 30/05/2023 22:53

@Goldbar LOL!

Doobeedoobeedoobee · 30/05/2023 22:59

Hi OP

you have my sympathies! I do think there’s an uptick in arguments after you’ve had a baby (mine is currently about a year old!) BUT I also think your partners expectations are unreasonable!

I had lots of grand plans before Mat leave about what I’d get done and honestly most days just playing with my baby is all I have time for.

I found it helpful to be honest with my partner about how much time the baby took up, we had a discussion about what chores were a priority and went from there.

now we have a system where when he’s off work, he takes the baby and I proceed to do the cooking/ cleaning for an hour or so until bedtime. Unbelievably it feels like a break! Once she’s down we then split the remaining chores and we both do stuff at the weekend. As other posters have said, childcare is a full time job and if your DH doesn’t see it that way, he could do with doing some more!

best of luck x

Thoughtful2355 · 30/05/2023 23:12

Well as the past saying says.. " it takes a village"

Its not an easy job raising children...

Mariposa26 · 30/05/2023 23:14

I am also 8 weeks post partum and have no real time for housework until my DP is home and we share it. Looking after a baby is a full time job. He sounds awful and YANBU.

SwordToFlamethrower · 30/05/2023 23:34

Your job is mother. You're caring for a very demanding newborn. You also need to feed yourself and that is more than enough.

You are not his fucking maid. Tell him to fuck off.

SwordToFlamethrower · 30/05/2023 23:37

Yes i agree with pp, it is MATENRITY leave. For you to recover from pregnancy and birth and for you to bond and care for your newborn.

It is NOT housemaid leave.

I say again, tell him to fuck off.

Puppyseahorse · 31/05/2023 00:10

I would perhaps even tell him you're thinking of going back ASAP and then you can both split childcare and chores right down the line whilst shelling out for nursery or a nanny.

this.

I read posts like this on MN all the time, and they’re so disheartening. What is it that makes women grow up expecting to be treated this way?

Haywirecity · 31/05/2023 00:19

Oh, get a cleaner in to work to his standards and bill him.

SparklyBlackKitten · 31/05/2023 01:25

An 8 week old baby is not a newborn op

But your dh is a fruitloop
And NOT a good dad 😅
NOR a good husband 🤣

Stop sticking your head in the sand
Stop making excuses for him
Stop pretending he is not an arsehole.

Because he is

And you are sort of pretending he is only a little bit bad...no op... he is not...

He is A Dick

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 31/05/2023 03:56

TomatoSandwiches · 30/05/2023 21:32

No, looking after a newborn is a full time job and you are still recovering from birth and an infection, house work is still 50/50 imo, tell him you are not a house maid and your priority is the baby and yourself, nice to know he cares more about clean dishes and swept floors than you and the baby.
Don't put up with his attitude.

This. Tell him to look after baby and do all the house work and to clean up after you for the day, then tell you looking after a new born isn’t work. What a prize prick.

user1477391263 · 31/05/2023 03:59

People keep saying “husband” on here, but the OP is not married to him from the sound of it. He sounds weakly committed to the idea of having a family.

AverageJoan · 31/05/2023 04:02

I think arguing after a baby is fairly normal, you're stressed and tired and emotional. But when my LO was born, my OH did most of the housework as well as his job (still does to be honest). Looking after a baby is hard and it's full time. More than full time.

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