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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New partner (age 60) following gym models (age 20ish)

147 replies

susie25 · 30/05/2023 08:25

I really need some perspective on this.

I've just started dating a man (aged 60), I am almost 50. Its only been a couple of months but so far, things are going well. He is extremely kind, caring, intelligent and supportive and I find him very attractive. I think this has the potential to go the distance.

However, there is one issue I'm not comfortable with and I'm not sure if I am being unreasonable about this or not. Wanted to seek opinions before I broach it with him.

He follows several gym model types on instagram. These women are all of a very similar type- long blonde hair, very toned/muscular, all in their 20s, and their pics are classic gym pics, often in very skimpy work out clothes, often bikinis, and short, tight, revealing dresses. As far as I can tell, he is not interacting with these women, just following them and liking their photos. I know he is very into fitness and the gym but he doesnt follow any other gym type accounts (eg gym tips, workout advice or male body builder accounts). I have an instagram account but I havent posted anything yet as I'm not a massive fan of SM and just cant be arsed with it so no idea if this is typical or not.

Part of me feels like this is a bit gross- he's 60 following women in their 20s and it really puts me off. On the other hand, he clearly likes that aesthetic and is very much into the gym and that culture. But then I keep thinking why is he only following young women doing this?

AIBU?- please be brutally honest, I can take it and am willing to accept that I may be wrong or equally that this is just a bit weird/inappropriate. Thanks.

OP posts:
longwayoff · 30/05/2023 11:52

Dribble. Come on OP.

ManateeFair · 30/05/2023 11:53

If he is/was a gym bro and is into weight lifting or body building, it’s totally normal to look at sculpted bodies.

He only looks at the sculpted bodies of very young women with long blonde hair, though, so I think we can safely assume he isn't looking for training tips.

I think it's pretty normal for men and women to like looking at pictures of people they find attractive, but I think there's probably a sort of cut-off point for all of us where it starts to make us feel uncomfortable as a partner. That cut-off point is probably different for all of us. For example, I follow a couple of actors I fancy on Instagram and my partner knows this and it doesn't bother him at all. But I'm sure if I was following dozens of non-famous but hot men and liking all their pictures all the time, he might feel differently about it. Similarly if my partner, who is in his 50s, followed loads of 20-year-old underwear models and liked all their pictures, I'd probably find that a bit icky. But everyone has different boundaries and I think you need to consider what yours are.

Busybutbored · 30/05/2023 11:53

If you become a couple then you should ask him to stop following them. I don't really see the issue as a single man, do you really expect him to perve at other 60 year olds? Yes it's a bit creepy but also normal and natural, and who knows if he even regulate looks at them or even if he is doing it in a pervy way. I think you should let it go if he really is a good guy and you like him, seems like a dumb reason to break up with someone tbh.

SgtBilko · 30/05/2023 11:55

Nah, I wouldn’t find this a quality I would find attractive in a partner and would ask them to stop doing it. Yes, you can appreciate people’s bodies and attractiveness but to follow young women on Insta and like their photos is a bit like an older men ogling their 20 year old daughter’s friends. He needs to grow up a bit but if he hasn’t by 60, chances are he never will.

Reugny · 30/05/2023 11:56

Busybutbored · 30/05/2023 11:53

If you become a couple then you should ask him to stop following them. I don't really see the issue as a single man, do you really expect him to perve at other 60 year olds? Yes it's a bit creepy but also normal and natural, and who knows if he even regulate looks at them or even if he is doing it in a pervy way. I think you should let it go if he really is a good guy and you like him, seems like a dumb reason to break up with someone tbh.

I expect him to perv over women who are 40+.

Yeah some will still be young enough to be his daughter but not his granddaughter.

CuriouslyDifferent · 30/05/2023 11:59

I have a Nissan Qashqai, but i do like to look at the odd supercar in the knowledge that I will never have one. I think I’d look ridiculous, couldn’t afford to maintain it, and probably couldn’t handle it either. I have always found Lambos more attractive than Ferraris.

I love my Qashqai called Olivia, and she would probably get upset if I did get caught taking a second pervy glance at the Lambo, on the rare occasion one goes past.

Thesharkradar · 30/05/2023 12:00

If I was in your shoes I would start following hot young male gym goers who were young enough to be my grandson, make it very obvious, make sure he's very aware of how much you admire their physics and see how he responds...

Original poster
susie25 · 30/05/2023 12:00

I think it's pretty normal for men and women to like looking at pictures of people they find attractive, but I think there's probably a sort of cut-off point for all of us where it starts to make us feel uncomfortable as a partner. That cut-off point is probably different for all of us. For example, I follow a couple of actors I fancy on Instagram and my partner knows this and it doesn't bother him at all. But I'm sure if I was following dozens of non-famous but hot men and liking all their pictures all the time, he might feel differently about it. Similarly if my partner, who is in his 50s, followed loads of 20-year-old underwear models and liked all their pictures, I'd probably find that a bit icky. But everyone has different boundaries and I think you need to consider what yours are

This is exactly how I feel. I think my cut off point is 20 year olds tbh. I totally get that we all like looking at attractive people and I do too. Its the age difference that makes me uncomfortable- they are young enough to be his grand daughter which is a bit gross

OP posts:
Original poster
susie25 · 30/05/2023 12:00

Thesharkradar · 30/05/2023 12:00

If I was in your shoes I would start following hot young male gym goers who were young enough to be my grandson, make it very obvious, make sure he's very aware of how much you admire their physics and see how he responds...

I might actually do this and see what happens!

OP posts:
FrostyFifi · 30/05/2023 12:00

Clearly humans have eyes in their heads and like to look at other attractive humans but where I think it crosses a line into creepy/disrespectful to your partner is if you follow accounts whose primary purpose is the person looking sexy (ie not famous for their acting, singing careers or whatever), as your partner, colleagues, mutual friends etc can see what you're doing especially if you're liking the content.

That's just my boundary though - your mileage may vary.

EvilElsa · 30/05/2023 12:02

I'd find that really off putting and a massive turn off. My dad is 63 and my niece is 20 -around the age of some of these gymfluencers /bikini models. The thought of a partner ogling girls he could be the grandparent of makes me feel a bit icky. No, it's not illegal obviously, but it would be a no from me.

Gothambutnotahamster · 30/05/2023 12:03

BeverlyHa · 30/05/2023 10:11

A lot if insecure women here, the main poster. Listen to your heart and get to know the man properly. I am sure many jealous old women here will want to see you single and miserable than having a gorgeous supportive and caring man. Good luck !!!

Totally not this Op - just women who know their self worth and can clearly see he's a perv. Do yourself a favour and find someone who's worthy of you and not an old letch.

Thesharkradar · 30/05/2023 12:04

susie25 · 30/05/2023 12:00

I might actually do this and see what happens!

Show quote history

I hope you do!
If he expresses any unease or criticism of your interest in these men try not to be defensive at all.
Instead ask him plainly why he doesn't like it, discuss his reasons in detail, give him lots of space to say what he feels, agree with him, understand the points he is making etc.
Then when he's finished point out to him that it's just the same as what he's doing....

CovertImage · 30/05/2023 12:41

MN is really one of the most puritan, morally-rigid places I know - everything's so black and white. I see that "perv" is today's word of the day. Pathetic

Hidinginaonesie · 30/05/2023 12:41

Meh, I couldn’t get too wound up about it. He obviously finds them physically attractive. Most men find women in their 20s physically attractive. Doesn’t mean he’d ever want to date them or would actually find them attractive as a partner. The fact that he doesn’t interact with him would indicate that it’s just a visual thing. Which, let’s face it, is fairly normal. I mean I still quite fancy Jude Law. But I fancy him more in the films from 20 years ago!

anotherricecake · 30/05/2023 12:43

CovertImage · 30/05/2023 12:41

MN is really one of the most puritan, morally-rigid places I know - everything's so black and white. I see that "perv" is today's word of the day. Pathetic

Spade a spade and all that though?

He's an grim old perv and seems happy to own it.

Not sure how that's puritanical?

LlynTegid · 30/05/2023 12:46

I think it's wrong, and you should consider whether or not you want a relationship with someone who seems to think it OK.

Nanny0gg · 30/05/2023 13:29

YouAreNotBatman · 30/05/2023 10:23

Disagree

Show quote history

Oh dear. Best bin off my husband of 40+ years then

But I wouldn't like him perving over 20 year olds

SummerSimmer · 30/05/2023 13:31

I follow Harry Styles, am I a 54 year old female pervert?

Nanny0gg · 30/05/2023 13:32

SummerSimmer · 30/05/2023 13:31

I follow Harry Styles, am I a 54 year old female pervert?

Do you like his music or just his looks?

SummerSimmer · 30/05/2023 13:33

Looks and charisma.

lljkk · 30/05/2023 13:37

Why can't you just TALK to him? Ask him outright,
"I see you follow all these very young ladies on Insta. Are you perving over them or what?"

I don't remember who I 'follow' on Instagram, I look at it very rarely.

SummerSimmer · 30/05/2023 13:48

Thing is he’s still going to be attracted to such women if he follows them or not.

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/05/2023 13:49

Yep, you’re right, it’s gross.

RegimentalSturgeon · 30/05/2023 14:13

Some posters appear utterly clueless as to how human sexuality actually works.

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