MIL wants to see her son without her grandson & me

[Grxcegrxxn]

For a bit of context, myself & my partner have been together 4 years, we had our son 18 months ago. Partners mother has only seen our son twice. We have encouraged her to schedule a day to come & see us or we can travel to her, but she either cancels plans or just doesn’t show up. She missed our sons first birthday, didn’t see him over the Christmas break, even though she lives a few streets away. FIL sees our son regularly but always comes to ours alone without MIL. We’ve been in no contact with MIL for 10 months now but recently she has started getting FIL to communicate for her instead of just reaching out herself. FIL invited us to a bbq at their house, we agreed we’d go, then the day of FIL messages & says ‘mom recons it’s best to leave it, I think you and her need to chat face to face privately’. When my partner asked what about (assuming she was upset about something & wanted to talk it out) he responded ‘it’s nothing bad your mom just wants mom and son time with you away from everyone els’. Insinuating she wants to be alone with him away from myself & our son. Usually I wouldn’t be bothered if it was directed at me, BUT I don’t understand why she wants to be away from her grandson as well? Am I taking this too personal? :/

Yes, they are, because their only focus is not to lose access to booze. But in this case it all feels quite weird. A manipulative MIL, ok, but to what effect? What exactly she wants? Because so far she has achieved nothing, and nobody seems to be able to reach her and ask her anything.

Does she really want to spend time with her son, as FIL claims? Doubtful, since she keeps rejecting his calls and leaving the house instead of waiting for him. And indeed, all this spending time with the son could be just an excuse invented by FIL, who maybe wanted to sweeten the blow when OP&DP&grandson visit was cancelled. Or does she want her son to leave OP and his new family? But how, since she keeps her son at a distance and doesn't even talk to him?

Even the most passive-aggressive people open their mouth sometimes to express their minds. But in 10 months she didn't seem to say anything. OP says that MIL and FIL ”allegedly split up” shortly after he visited them, and then: ”I wonder if maybe her lack of interest is bothering FIL & causing friction between them at home cause he’s getting an earful from MIL whenever he visits us.” But is it any of this true or is just OP’s speculation? In any case, MIL gained nothing - all that she seems to do is to annoy and alienate others.

Do you know, I read the OP's comments with something niggling at me and this is it.

FiL is encouraging your DP to speak to his mother, but at no point has she expressed that seeing him one to one is her issue, to either of you. Seems like she really is not bothered and it's your FiL trying to make them talk so he's free to come and visit.

I don't get a see all option there is nothing to click under her name

I still think something has happened or she is ill
And saying I want to see my child on their own isn't odd which was my point .....as she hadn't spoken to him for 10 months I don't get how she said it anyway.....perhaps that's dad trying to patch things up.

So did she call this morning to meet him this morning, then she went to the pub?

My speculation? It’s not a speculation, it’s that FIL has told us, he said him & MIL split for a few weeks & he stayed at his dads for a while. They sorted things out & got back together (when fil stopped talking to us for a bit).

The only thing I can think of them is to basically pin FIL down, all the questions of him and simply don't accept any more useless replies. Your DP has to be frank, strong, and simply tell him that he's really worried about his mum and needs to know the truth. Ask questions about every element of this, that can't be side stepped. So "why does she not answer the phone to me?". "Why did she cancel (arranged visit)?"

This!

Right but the issue is PATCH WHAT THINGS UP? the only reason I’m annoyed is because we are being told ‘everything is fine, mom is fine with DP’ BUT then FIL is also saying things that are insinuating there is an ‘issue’ or a elephant in the room that needs addressing. We weren’t aware there was a problem, we can’t recall anything bad happening that would make mil act like this. Nothing has happened ON OUR end.

I mean he's a grown man, if she's decided she no longer wants a relationship with him then of course that's sad, but if he's old enough to have a child himself not sure abandoning is the right word. Unfortunately you cant force people to be in your life if they dont want to, that sadly includes parents. He needs to start to deal with the reality if hes tried and she wont respond. If she gets shitty with her husband seeing you then surely that's something he has to sort out with her- what on earth are either of you supposed to do about it?

this is ideally what needs to happen but FIL always insists there’s no issue, no hard feelings etc, he plays dumb like he doesn’t wanna spit it out so we can resolve whatever it is. I think maybe MIL doesn’t like me & doesn’t want to see me for whatever reason but they don’t wanna be outright with it to DP incase it upsets him or pushes him away, cause if she did say ‘I just don’t like your partner’ DP would probs cut contact with her for good. So shes tiptoeing round it. I’d rather her just rip the bandaid off & say it how it is so we can all move on.

Your missing the part where she’s asking FIL to make DP go & see her. If she doesn’t want to know then she needs to leave us be & stop giving hold & cold treatment to her son getting his hopes up that she may want to see him just to change her mind last minute. Like I said, we were in no contact 10 months, DP had gotten over it, soon as we stopped forcing it she reaches out asking dp to see her.

I wonder if FIL is making that up (that MIL wants contact with DH)? And is trying to manipulate the situation so there is contact again.

this is a possibility, considering she hasn’t made any contact herself.

And what did FIL say about the reasons of such an irrational behaviour from MIL? How did he explain such a deep conflict? ”Dear son and DIL, we didn’t only have a casual disagreement, but we split up for some weeks, just because she doesn’t want me to visit you.” ”And why is that?” .... She must have given him a reason, no matter how absurd. If he refuses to say or gives a vague answer or claims she didn’t explain at all (which is very hard to believe), it's your DP's right to find out why she is behaving like this. She can’t hide forever from her son and can’t ghost him and you like this.

It would also explain why she's never there when DH goes round as arranged...

Your father in law doesn't have to pass anything on though, he should stand up to her and say if she wants to make contact she knows where you are and how to get hold of you all. He doesn't have to be a passive player in this.

You don't know that she is asking FIL to do that, I seriously doubt very much that she is.

She is already leaving you be, in fact Radio Silence sounds appropriate here.

‘Hard to believe’? Every comment you’ve made so far is sounding as if you think I’m making this up for the hell of it. If it was as simple as FIL outright telling us what MIL’s problem is I wouldn’t need to post on here for advice as to how to handle this situation. Every time we ask FIL if MIL has a issue with us or is deliberately avoiding us all he ever says is ‘nah of course not she’s just busy’. Cause again, FOR SOME REASON FIL DOESNT WANT TO SPIT IT OUT.

Asking FIL to communicate for her isn’t leaving us be. Banning FIL from seeing his son & grandson isn’t leaving us be. She’s trying to control the family dynamic cause it doesn’t revolve around her.

Do any of you actually read the OP comments? MIL won’t let FIL see his son & grandson either when FIL WANTS to. Just cause MIL doesn’t want a relationship with her son & grandson doesn’t mean she should control FIL & give him an earful whenever he wants to visit.

Yes did you read my post? He is a grown man ffs if he wants to see his son and his grandchild why is he pandering to this woman? Why doesn't he stand up for himself and for you and say I'm having a relationship with them- for me it would be a deal breaker anyway, I wouldn't sit back and say okay I won't see them in case you lay on a guilt trip; weak. I bet he's saying your mother has said she wants to speak to you as he wants an easier life and is hoping it'll magically fix things, sounds like unless she actually communicates directly to assume anything else might not be her own thoughts.

FIL is clearly in the middle & having to choose his wife or son & grandson & because he doesn’t want to choose he probs thinks he can force MIL & DP to mend fences so he can still visit without getting an earful. because he won’t have to ‘sneak round’ when we are all getting along so it effectively makes his life easier.

And FIL is enabling this by being the messenger and not standing up for himself.

It does sound like a shit situation and can see why you and of course your partner are upset and stressed by it.

Agree that his dad should stand up to her though, pretty sad if he will forego seeing his son and grandchild because she doesn't want him to! Lots of men would rather an easy life though.

Wanting to see her son alone some times is fine. But I would be upset if that time were a family type event, like the bbq. He could drop by for coffee, drop in to say hello etc, and maybe that would resolve the problem.