MIL wants to see her son without her grandson & me

[Grxcegrxxn]

For a bit of context, myself & my partner have been together 4 years, we had our son 18 months ago. Partners mother has only seen our son twice. We have encouraged her to schedule a day to come & see us or we can travel to her, but she either cancels plans or just doesn’t show up. She missed our sons first birthday, didn’t see him over the Christmas break, even though she lives a few streets away. FIL sees our son regularly but always comes to ours alone without MIL. We’ve been in no contact with MIL for 10 months now but recently she has started getting FIL to communicate for her instead of just reaching out herself. FIL invited us to a bbq at their house, we agreed we’d go, then the day of FIL messages & says ‘mom recons it’s best to leave it, I think you and her need to chat face to face privately’. When my partner asked what about (assuming she was upset about something & wanted to talk it out) he responded ‘it’s nothing bad your mom just wants mom and son time with you away from everyone els’. Insinuating she wants to be alone with him away from myself & our son. Usually I wouldn’t be bothered if it was directed at me, BUT I don’t understand why she wants to be away from her grandson as well? Am I taking this too personal? :/

One thing you could do is cut off FIL as soon as he tries to pass messages from her.. just say, 'no, with respect, if she's got something to say she can say it herself to us' make it clear you will not participate in this sort of bullshit behaviour.

I feel for FIL but he's got a backbone.. he should use it.

He obviously knows what's up with her so should give his son the heads up, isn't his brother any the wiser?

Mother to dp, grandmother to our son. & met her early in the dating period, she was always polite but would still do very sly things to make me feel left out like taking pictures at family gatherings but making sure I wasn’t in any, making me sit away from the immediate family table & id have to sit the family friends or distant relatives whilst dp would be asked to sit with them, luckily he used to stay with me regardless so I wasn’t alone at a function they invited me too. Little things that some people may not think twice about but it’s those little things that make you aware of how your not welcome or accepted. She only became ignorant when finding out I was pregnant, she wasn’t happy about it & only reached out once DS was born, met him a day after he was born & saw him once when he was 3 months old & then nothing since. There’s been a sudden shift since DS was born.

I agree, FIL seems scared of her, she can be very stubborn so I think FIL is nervous to get on her bad side in case he looses her. But surely your son comes first, even before your wife. He’s leaving his son in the dark about whatever has happened that’s rubbed her the wrong way, it’s all mind games.

& brother is much younger so he’s not really clued up I don’t think, he’s at that age where he just sits on his gaming console all day without a care in the world. Iv noticed that the brother seems to get his way more than DP ever has. For instance, when dp lived with them before he started driving, if he ever needed a lift to work etc all he ever got from his mom was ‘you’ve got legs you can walk it’, which I somewhat understand, at his age he didn’t need his parents driving him everywhere, BUT now his brother is working & going to college, MIL will give him lifts, not even just to work, to his gf’s, to meet his friends etc. Like his brother get’s all the special treatment. Or if brother needs money, they’ll lend it him, but if DP needs money she’ll refuse to lend him any. Times where we’ve been struggling she hasn’t lent us a dime but will give brother money to buy games on PlayStation when he still lives at home & doesn’t have bills to pay.

So your DP has a brother? Has he asked him what's going on? Have either of you asked his dad?

It's bizarre that in ten months no-one has communicated with each other about this at all. Your DP hasn't popped round in that time until now, he hasn't talked to his brother about it, and there's been a huge elephant in the room when fil has visited.

For goodness sake, TALK!

If she does have a drink problem that would fit in with manipulative behaviour. Ime alcoholics are incredibly manipulative.

Please read the other updates Iv added before commenting. Iv stated several times now, DP has been down to talk this out numerous times but MIL never seems to be home when Dp shows up. She doesn’t answer her phone when dp calls or texts. She is outright IGNORING us. & whenever we do bring it up to FIL he claims there is nothing wrong & MIL doesn’t have an issue. Brother doesn’t seem to notice anything strange, he’s still a teen & teens can be ignorant or blindsided to things like this.

Does she usually go to the pub of a morning?

Not in the morning, evenings, but she will stay drinking till late then go to work hungover. My Nan was like this, like a ‘functioning alcoholic’.

I don't think you're being unreasonable but it's up to your partner if he wants to go and see his mother on his own. Yes, you have a child now but that doesn't mean that he can't go and visit his parents on his own.

Given what you've said in your post, it's probably a good idea if he goes to speak to his mother to find out what the issue is; perhaps he can sort it out with her and the 'blockage' will clear.

It's still a mother and child bond, however old they get and that doesn't change even with the addition of other people.

I hope it gets resolved so that you feel able/welcome to visit or have your partner's parents to your home. It does sound difficult but I would definitely not stand in the way of your partner going to his parents without you or the baby.

Or maybe he should arrange to visit his father, on his own, and explain how awkward this all is?

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Please read all of OP's comments.... (go to the first one then click on "see all").

Do you like spending 1 to 1 with your child? That doesn't change when they are 20, 30 or 40 just like spending time with a friend. Have you stopped it in the past? Something's happened and your not saying.

I don't think that's a reflection on your DH though, you normally find that they are more loyal to the people they live with.. they hide behind the 'anything for a quiet life' syndrome, my dad was like it (with regards to my step mum).

He should be refusing to pass message back and forth though, he can surely see how counterproductive that is to getting the relationship back on track (assuming that's what everyone wants of course).

If your DH keeps trying and trying, maybe he should just stop all together.. and don't accept any incoming messages from FIL.. put the ball firmly in her court, and tell your FIL to stop trying to make it happen, as it's not in his or your control, it's up to her to make the effort now, she's got your DH number to arrange a mother son meeting if that's what she wants.

What planet are you on? She hasn’t got the decency to even drop her son a message or pick up the phone when he calls. If she was so eager to see him for 1 on 1 time she can stop hiding behind FIL & reach out to her son herself. Phone works both ways. It’s not her sons job to chase after her when she ignores him. & never stopped her seeing DP or DS, we’ve had to BEG her to make an effort to see them cause she cant be arsed.

Agree, she needs to contact DP directly, not hiding behind FIL & getting him to pass messages for her.

My planet is that something happened until he goes and finds out nobody knows.....or you do but are not saying
My other comment was about you not seeming to think anyone would want to have some 1 to 1 with an adult child.

Again, you clearly haven’t read any of the other comments Iv added where she wasn’t even home when she asked him to pop down for ‘1 to 1 time’. & the part where she’s asked for mum & son time whilst completely ignoring the fact she’s not seen her grandson in 10 months despite living a few streets away. He accepted her offer for mom & son time & drove to hers to just find out she’d fucked off to the pub with a friend anyway & wouldn’t be back till late. Like I said already, if she was so eager, why did she decide to go out instead of stay to see her son for the time SHE requested. & if you actually read any of the updates Iv posted you’d know she has a history for doing this, making arrangements then letting us down.

I am absolutely not suggesting that your MIL is right here by any stretch of the imagination but it seems to me that things are not quite as they may seem.

Clearly FIL knows what the problem is but doesn't want to say, which is fine but when your DH put him on the spot asking what was going on with DM he said nothing was wrong "your mom just wants mom and son time with you"

From what you have told us... "she hasnt seen him, hasn’t spoke to him over the phone or over messages in over a year" ... so MIL has at no time asked your DH to meet or replied to any of his numerous requests to meet and then not shown up.

"UPDATE - dp did drop in after she asked for mom and son time, he got there & she wasn’t home" - but she didn't ask for mom and son time - FIL suggested she did!

"Mom & son time is a sugarcoated way of saying ‘I want to see you but I don’t want the extra baggage like your partner and child" - but again she didn't say she wanted to see him, FIL did.

"Just because she may not feel like seeing her grandson, doesn’t mean she has to ban her husband from seeing him too" - but did she? Or did FIL ask you not to post about his visit on FB?

"No right to ban her husband from seeing his son & grandson" - You are clearly upset, I would be too if I didn't know why she was doing this but you are twisting the narrative here and that can be hugely damaging if there is something else at play that you don't know about.

"Dp went over soon as she said she wanted to talk to him days ago, they weren’t home" - she didn't say she wanted to talk to him,FIL did.

It seems to me that something has happened that maybe you are not aware of. You and MIL rubbed along ok and (I think you said) this happened suddenly. It looks like MIL has a problem with both you and your DH and FIL is trying, in the worst way possible, to get MIL and your DH to talk.

FIL arranges a BBQ and it looks like she told him she wouldn't be attending, ruining his cunning plan for peace talks so he calls you and cancels.

Was the day she told you she was ill (when you think she was lying and was actually hungover) the last time you heard from her?

As I said, I'm not excusing MIL but maybe you need to be mindful that what FIL is saying is not necessarily what MIL is doing/saying. I really do hope you get to the bottom of it and it all works out for everyone.

Your poor partner. WTF is wrong with her !
If I were him I'd just leave off trying to contact her, he's done more than enough reaching out to her.

Let her approach him for their one to one time - if she really wants it and makes the supreme effort 🙄

surbobophone, I had multiple pages again, but I went back to read OP's posts which is why I suggested that her partner go to speak to his father (just the two of them) to find out what the issue is since partner's mother is flakey.

There's nothing to be gained from OP linking this in to partner's parents not wanting to see their grandson; it looks as if they don't want to see any of them, for whatever reason?

The only people who can answer this would be partner's parents and only one of them is communicative.

OP should disengage, let partner sort this out - or not - whichever he prefers. They've been no contact for 10 months so there's no real incentive from anybody.

@jannier At least have the basic common decency to read ALL the OP's post/replies (by clicking on See all under the OP) before writing a load of nonsense. OP's partner has gone above and beyond to speak to his mother, visiting her, calling etc, SHE WON'T ANSWER HIM!

@jannier Here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4816479-mil-wants-to-see-her-son-without-her-grandson-me?postsby=Grxcegrxxn

It would be easier to read if you didn't drop feed...the app doesn't let me filter your comments
Is she an alcoholic or have other issues?

OP you could tie yourself up in knots trying to figure out whats going on with your MIL, and you might never find out. You wont ever change her, so change how you react to her.

Step away mentally. If your FIL visits, steer the conversation away from her. Discuss with your DP to develop a similar grey stone attitude.