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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have paid to get friends car cleaned?

362 replies

fantaorangeee · 29/05/2023 12:34

Ok, so I don't personally think this was a big deal but that might be because I don't drive and my partner has an older car just to ferry the kids around. Interested to hear other people's thoughts nonetheless.

I made plans with a close friend last night to stay over at her house and have a night in. I went for a walk along the beach/dip in the sea beforehand and she picked me up afterwards as it was only down the road from where she lives. I jumped in the car and without thinking, I put my blanket/towel/bag on the back seats of the car. It's not a new car but it's new to her as she bought it around 3 weeks ago I think. It is quite an expensive car and has clearly been well looked after so I felt awful, as all my belongings were covered in sand. I hadn't realised what I'd done until I pulled everything out and the seats/floor were covered in the stuff.

I did apologise and offered to clean up but she said it was fine, although it clearly wasn't as when I came out of the shower she was outside cleaning the car. This was at 10pm. I told her I would have done it but she said no and told me she wouldn't be long. She must have been out there for around 20 minutes. She came in and said she'd have to take the car to be cleaned as it had all got into the seams of the seats and she couldn't get to it with a cloth. In all fairness she does live in a flat and has to park down the road so can't exactly get the hoover out. I told her I'd help her today but again she said no. She has suffered with ocd and anxiety since a young age and I noticed last night that she was extremely agitated, restless etc, presumably because of the car. She's like this with her house too.

She barely spoke a word to me last night and this morning was up walking around the house really early. I woke up around 9am and straight away she was asking me what time I wanted to be dropped off at home. I think she was rushing me to get out so she could take the car to be cleaned. Again, I apologised and offered to help clean up but she said it would need to be professionally valeted. I haven't heard from her since and it all feels very awkward. I spoke with my partner about it and he said maybe I should have offered to pay for it to be cleaned but I'm not working at the moment and I presume it would have cost around £40-£50 to be cleaned (it's quite a big car).

I understand it must have been frustrating for her and I'm usually a very clean, tidy person but it was an accident and I did apologise and offered to clean it up. Surely I don't deserve the silent treatment over this? And would you fall out with a friend over something like this?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Want2beme · 29/05/2023 16:14

As you're feeling bad about it, tell DF you'll give her the valet money when you're in a better position to do so.

FOJN · 29/05/2023 16:15

TrippinEdBalls · 29/05/2023 16:08

But I didn't think it was advised or helpful to 'validate' OCD fears in this way - it isn't radioactive waste, it isn't dangerous or dirty and it doesn't need a professional clean. Obviously it would be cruel to trigger her friend's OCD deliberately but I also don't think it's helpful to claim that the friend is behaving in a standard and rational way.

Show quote history

Unless OP is trained in Exposure and Response Prevention therapy then it's probably best not to be so careless around a friend with a serious mental health condition.

WiddlinDiddlin · 29/05/2023 16:15

This does seem an over-reaction, surely if you live near the beach, then getting sand in things is a daily occurrence and something that just goes with living near the beach!

If she has OCD then that is her issue, she shouldn't take it out on you - mild annoyance and then agreeing to let you hoover the car out at yours, at the garage, whatever... and move on, would be a normal response.

Having the hump all night and morning after is excessive.

She knew she was collecting you from the beach, she knew her car was new and precious and sand in it would upset her and she didn't think to tell a non-driver, non-car owner 'oh shove that in the boot so I don't get sandy seats'... this is as much on her as it is you.

VDisappointing · 29/05/2023 16:20

People tend to think OCD is obsessive behaviours and it is to a certain extent - but it is also obsessive/repetitive thinking. It's likely she has gone silent because she is obsessively thinking about the car. It can be hard to talk and chat when you have intrusive thoughts.
I'm another one for this is your mistake and you need to contribute to resolving it. Sand gets everywhere and its not a case of a quick wipe and vacuum solves the problem.

piedbeauty · 29/05/2023 16:20

Yes, you should pay. It was totally your fault and your friend is not being U.

The fact that you're not working is neither here nor there. Borrow the money to pay for the car to be cleaned. You were really careless.

VDisappointing · 29/05/2023 16:21

WiddlinDiddlin · 29/05/2023 16:15

This does seem an over-reaction, surely if you live near the beach, then getting sand in things is a daily occurrence and something that just goes with living near the beach!

If she has OCD then that is her issue, she shouldn't take it out on you - mild annoyance and then agreeing to let you hoover the car out at yours, at the garage, whatever... and move on, would be a normal response.

Having the hump all night and morning after is excessive.

She knew she was collecting you from the beach, she knew her car was new and precious and sand in it would upset her and she didn't think to tell a non-driver, non-car owner 'oh shove that in the boot so I don't get sandy seats'... this is as much on her as it is you.

I think the whole point of being diagnosed with OCD is that we don't have normal responses to these situations.

PatAndMat · 29/05/2023 16:24

drpet49 · 29/05/2023 12:52

This. She doesn’t need it professional valeted- she’s taking the piss with that. Also she was being rude with all the passive aggressiveness.

Show quote history

I agree.
You offered many times to clean it and she declined again and again.
obviously none of us know what it looked like but a hoover out is all that’s needed surely.
Not a professional clean, ultimately that is her choice.
She should have let you clean it, or both of you together.

Now that she’s clearly taken it for a professional clean I would feel forced to pay. So make the offer at least.

ThereIbledit · 29/05/2023 16:24

A friend who was sick in my car /too much alcohol) offered to pay for a professional clean and I accepted.

If somebody had only gotten sand on my car seats I'd take it to a petrol station with a vacuum and cleaned it with that - the cost of which would be £1 or possibly £2 if it really needed two tokens. I'd be a big miffed if it was a new to me car in showroom condition but if it was just sand it would be no biggie and easily sorted with a vacuum (including a hand held vacuum if one had one to hand). A normal vacuum at a petrol station would easily remove dry sand to restore the car to "as per showroom" standard. The only reason it wouldn't would be if it was a rubbish one without much suck, or if the nozzle was missing (both of which can sometimes happen IME).

I'm afraid it's her OCD that has necessitated the professional clean. I'm not really sure that your responsibility is to pay the difference between clean that would be reasonable (i.e. £1-2 for a half decent vacuum at a petrol station, perhaps plus a £5 or £10 for fuel to get there if really pushing the boat out) and getting it valeted level of clean. I'd be sorry that I had unwittingly caused her some anguish, and maybe provide a bottle of wine or flowers and a card, but I think paying for a valet is too much.

ThereIbledit · 29/05/2023 16:25

a bit* miffed, not a big miffed!

hakunamatata89 · 29/05/2023 16:27

I actually think you've been given a lot of harsh comments here op (and I also have OCD not that it makes a difference to my comment). Surely if your friend knew she was picking you up after being at the beach/swimming she couldn't be expecting you to be sand free. I also think that her reaction of not speaking to you all night/morning is out of order. If I were you I would have left as soon as that started occurring. I can't stand social awkwardness and would have felt really uncomfortable by a host acting like that. I wouldn't offer to pay if you can't afford it, you offered to help clean it up and I think that's fine.

Megifer · 29/05/2023 16:30

Or maybe offer pro rata payment? Its her choice to get sand professionally sucked out of the car so if a valet costs £50 that's what, about £7 for the area that has sand in it? Offer that op.

bibbidibobbidiboop · 29/05/2023 16:33

I hate sand, I have to really suck it up to take the kids to the beach on holiday. I have been known to take it to the car wash whilst abroad (we drive to Europe), because I really have an issue with it.
It would have taken a lot for her(me) to pick you up in the new car, knowing you were likely to be sandy and wet.
Also, why would you have gone swimming before going to her house? Even if you hadn't got in her car, you would have made her house really sandy.

Rainn21 · 29/05/2023 16:36

Do people understand that OCD is not just liking things clean but a debilitating mental health condition that often causes extreme amounts of unwanted discomfort to the sufferer? Your friend was likely stuck ruminating and obsessing over this despite her best efforts not to.

TrippinEdBalls · 29/05/2023 16:43

VDisappointing · 29/05/2023 16:21

I think the whole point of being diagnosed with OCD is that we don't have normal responses to these situations.

Show quote history

Right but like any mental illness (and I've been very unwell myself) you should work as hard as you can not to make those around you suffer because of it. You can't just demand anything you want because you're unwell or treat other people awfully and expect them to not mind.

1offnamechange · 29/05/2023 16:47

Mirrorballparade · 29/05/2023 12:58

Yes I think I’d be annoyed, those saying that she should go and clean up all the sand with a 2.00 hoover herself at a garage, well sand gets in everywhere it’s not a simple clean up job!

I live near the beach, we're all back and forth with sandy bags, paddleboards, etc in our cars all the time. 5 mins with the handheld hoover removes it all. it IS a simple clean up job, its sand ffs, one of the easiest things possible to clean up, why on earth would you need anything else?

jacqroberts68 · 29/05/2023 16:53

So you stay the night at your friends flat. You then go the beach and she picks you up and you just plonk your damp sandy crud all over her expensive interior and then wonder why she’s upset? It’s no excuse that your own car is a mess. It’s rude and selfish of you and you wouldn’t get away with leaving a taxi in that state so why should you leave a mate’s car like it.

DrManhattan · 29/05/2023 16:55

Can't really call it an accident? Bit thoughtless on your part

jacqroberts68 · 29/05/2023 16:57

Megifer · 29/05/2023 16:30

Or maybe offer pro rata payment? Its her choice to get sand professionally sucked out of the car so if a valet costs £50 that's what, about £7 for the area that has sand in it? Offer that op.

My son charges between £80 and £100 for a valet and he’s cheap

pictoosh · 29/05/2023 16:57

Well I wouldn't care about sand in my car. My car is full of mud and pine needles and crumbs...sand is easy to clean up.

I think your apology and repeated offers of help were sufficient. I don't think you should give her money you don't have just because she's got OCD.

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/05/2023 16:58

hakunamatata89 · 29/05/2023 16:27

I actually think you've been given a lot of harsh comments here op (and I also have OCD not that it makes a difference to my comment). Surely if your friend knew she was picking you up after being at the beach/swimming she couldn't be expecting you to be sand free. I also think that her reaction of not speaking to you all night/morning is out of order. If I were you I would have left as soon as that started occurring. I can't stand social awkwardness and would have felt really uncomfortable by a host acting like that. I wouldn't offer to pay if you can't afford it, you offered to help clean it up and I think that's fine.

@hakunamatata89

most adults are not covered in sand after they’ve been to the beach

Mirrorballparade · 29/05/2023 17:02

1offnamechange · 29/05/2023 16:47

I live near the beach, we're all back and forth with sandy bags, paddleboards, etc in our cars all the time. 5 mins with the handheld hoover removes it all. it IS a simple clean up job, its sand ffs, one of the easiest things possible to clean up, why on earth would you need anything else?

Show quote history

@1offnamechange bore off. It gets all in the crevasses of the car all on the floor under the seats down the side of the seats.

You might wanna live like a scruff but doesn’t mean everyone does.

realityhack · 29/05/2023 17:08

fantaorangeee · 29/05/2023 12:59

Thank you for your replies. Good to hear other people's thoughts. It was an accident but I do feel bad about it and how it's made her feel.

The difficulty is that I'm not working at the moment and £20 is a lot of money to me.

Then you should be more careful about your actions. Maybe she doesnt have much money either?! Sand is awful in a car- it gets everywhere and transfers onto clothes etc it makes a right mess. It would annoy me and I dont have OCD.

You should pay.

Twiglets1 · 29/05/2023 17:12

I think it would be a nice gesture for you to offer to pay for a valet clean as it has triggered her anxieties it seems. Just hope she says No!

Ulookgood · 29/05/2023 17:12

TrippinEdBalls · 29/05/2023 16:43

Right but like any mental illness (and I've been very unwell myself) you should work as hard as you can not to make those around you suffer because of it. You can't just demand anything you want because you're unwell or treat other people awfully and expect them to not mind.

Show quote history

In what way, friend has treated OP awfully?

Friend has not demanded anything from Op. But if this level of dirt or sand in her car distresses, she should not feel pressured to chit chat with OP, so OP does not feel bad. Friend is also entitled to get car clean to whatever level it satisfies her given her distress due to OCD.

Also, maybe she is taking treatment and it is not working. OP should have been careful and not thrown her bag and mat on the seat nso carelessly in the car of a friend struggling with OCD.
In is shocking that in today's day and age, people are so judgemental of a person struggling with serious mental health issue and are saying she is taking a piss.

peachesandsweets · 29/05/2023 17:16

I have ocd and fully sympathise with your friend. She probably felt like she was being irrational which is why she was denying your offers to help clean up - but yes I would have paid for the clean, as you made the mess!

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