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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have paid to get friends car cleaned?

362 replies

fantaorangeee · 29/05/2023 12:34

Ok, so I don't personally think this was a big deal but that might be because I don't drive and my partner has an older car just to ferry the kids around. Interested to hear other people's thoughts nonetheless.

I made plans with a close friend last night to stay over at her house and have a night in. I went for a walk along the beach/dip in the sea beforehand and she picked me up afterwards as it was only down the road from where she lives. I jumped in the car and without thinking, I put my blanket/towel/bag on the back seats of the car. It's not a new car but it's new to her as she bought it around 3 weeks ago I think. It is quite an expensive car and has clearly been well looked after so I felt awful, as all my belongings were covered in sand. I hadn't realised what I'd done until I pulled everything out and the seats/floor were covered in the stuff.

I did apologise and offered to clean up but she said it was fine, although it clearly wasn't as when I came out of the shower she was outside cleaning the car. This was at 10pm. I told her I would have done it but she said no and told me she wouldn't be long. She must have been out there for around 20 minutes. She came in and said she'd have to take the car to be cleaned as it had all got into the seams of the seats and she couldn't get to it with a cloth. In all fairness she does live in a flat and has to park down the road so can't exactly get the hoover out. I told her I'd help her today but again she said no. She has suffered with ocd and anxiety since a young age and I noticed last night that she was extremely agitated, restless etc, presumably because of the car. She's like this with her house too.

She barely spoke a word to me last night and this morning was up walking around the house really early. I woke up around 9am and straight away she was asking me what time I wanted to be dropped off at home. I think she was rushing me to get out so she could take the car to be cleaned. Again, I apologised and offered to help clean up but she said it would need to be professionally valeted. I haven't heard from her since and it all feels very awkward. I spoke with my partner about it and he said maybe I should have offered to pay for it to be cleaned but I'm not working at the moment and I presume it would have cost around £40-£50 to be cleaned (it's quite a big car).

I understand it must have been frustrating for her and I'm usually a very clean, tidy person but it was an accident and I did apologise and offered to clean it up. Surely I don't deserve the silent treatment over this? And would you fall out with a friend over something like this?

AIBU?

OP posts:
FixTheBone · 29/05/2023 17:18

I wouldn't pay to have it fully valeted.

I'd offer to do it myself with either a handheld, or at a petrol station or my own house where a hoover will reach.

glitterfarts · 29/05/2023 17:18

JudgeRudy · 29/05/2023 13:06

I'm normal. It matters to me.

Show quote history

Are you the friend Rudy?
OP: I agree, not an accident, just careless and thoughtless. Did you not shake your things out as you were leaving the beach? Have you also left sand all through her house and bathroom?

If she is a close friend, you must have known how she'd react, so why swim before going to her house?
Why not just go home and get clean first?

ifIwerenotanandroid · 29/05/2023 17:19

fantaorangeee · 29/05/2023 12:59

Thank you for your replies. Good to hear other people's thoughts. It was an accident but I do feel bad about it and how it's made her feel.

The difficulty is that I'm not working at the moment and £20 is a lot of money to me.

That's your difficulty to sort out.

Sounds like you're going to make an excuse & not pay up.

3AndStopping · 29/05/2023 17:19

Just transfer her £20 and text to say I’ve sent you some money to get the sand out the car. I don’t think you need to pay anymore than that!

Clymene · 29/05/2023 17:20

There is no parking outside the friend's flat
I would never ever put a DIY car vacuum cleaner on my car seats - they're filthy

The OP made a mess in her friend's brand new car. The only way to make amends is to pay for it to be cleaned.

I'm really glad some of you aren't my friends.

Bunnycat101 · 29/05/2023 17:22

I think she is being over the top but given her ocd that is understandable to a degree and you were probably a bit careless. I very much doubt the car needs a full vallet - a vacuum will be fine. I was at the beach this morning. We shook the towels out and banged the shoes. Some sand still got in the car- the world has not ended.

pictoosh · 29/05/2023 17:28

@Clymene I'm really glad a lot of people here aren't my friends. I can't imagine any of mine worrying about sand in the car.
It's sand?

mum11970 · 29/05/2023 17:33

A trip to the local garage that has a vacuum would have sorted out the sand in the stitching when it was dry this morning. If it had a salt mark on the cloth a little warm water and washing up liquid would’ve sorted it in two minutes. I wouldn’t be offering to pay for a full valet unless it was something that I couldn’t or didn’t want to clean myself.

W0tnow · 29/05/2023 17:36

Sand does not need to be professionally cleaned. It hoovers up perfectly fine. I mean, offer to pay, sure, but your friend is being ott.

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/05/2023 17:37

Some of you must have such scruffy cars lol

Equalitea · 29/05/2023 17:40

Yes you should pay.

Clymene · 29/05/2023 17:43

pictoosh · 29/05/2023 17:28

@Clymene I'm really glad a lot of people here aren't my friends. I can't imagine any of mine worrying about sand in the car.
It's sand?

It's a new car. It's called being considerate.

DrManhattan · 29/05/2023 17:44

@LuckySantangelo35 ha! I am thinking the same.

ladymaiasura · 29/05/2023 17:48

Surprised at the number of people saying you should pay. It’s only a bit of sand! The car just needs a hoover, not a professional valet. Don’t let her make you feel bad. You offered to help multiple times and she said no. If she wants to turn something this minor into a drama I’d just leave her to it.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 29/05/2023 17:48

She sounds a right loon. It’s sand not nuclear waste.

Why don’t you offer to pay her finance off while you’re at it? 🤡

ThereIbledit · 29/05/2023 17:49

@Rainn21
Do people understand that OCD is not just liking things clean but a debilitating mental health condition that often causes extreme amounts of unwanted discomfort to the sufferer?

I understand this. I have a friend who suffers from it very badly. I just don't think that what is essentially an expense that has been incured as a result of having the condition is the responsibility of the sufferer's friend.

Friend offered to clean, to help clean, and could have/should have offered to hoover out at a petrol station (including the £1-2 cost of that) or with a dustbuster type cordless thingy. Friend is not responsible for the difference in expense between the reasonable healthy response and responsiblility, and the excessive expenditure caused by the OCD.

The person with OCD could have also reasonably foreseen that somebody who they are picking up from the beach might have sand on them and/or their belongings, and that this getting into the car would upset them and trigger their OCD. I think they have a responsiblity themselves to let their friend know if something could be triggering, and how the friend can help them to avoid it. Like telling the friend that they are worried about that happening and asking the friend to shake everything out well first, asking them to not go to the beach at all before they visit (perhaps she could have visited the beach then got a cab/bus/walked to the train station before leaving on the train to go home), and/or using something like bin bags to cover the seats in the car to minimise any sand actually reaching the seats (or to ask OP to put her bag into the big bag and tie it before getting into the car.

I don't think it's the friend's responsibility to know and prevent everything that they do that might be triggering, or to cover unreasonable expenses if they have accidentally triggered it. OP has a responsibility to all that she reasonably can to avoid triggering her friend's OCD, within reason. Was it a reasonable expectation for OP to have been able to foresee that sand in the car would trigger this result, given that the friend with OCD agreed to pick OP up from the beach?

MrsJBaptiste · 29/05/2023 17:50

I hoover my car out every weekend, I love having a pristine car and mine is new (very) new to me.

I'd be so pissed off if someone got sand all over the seats and footwells, I'd sort it put but appreciate the offer of some kind of payment, even if I didn't accept it.

AngeloMysterioso · 29/05/2023 17:53

It wasn’t an accident. You didn’t go for a walk on the beach by accident, your stuff didn’t get sandy by accident (it’s an entirely logical and predictable consequence of being on the beach) and you didn’t dump your stuff on her back seat by accident. You were just bloody thoughtless. Own your idiocy and pay up.

Megifer · 29/05/2023 17:56

jacqroberts68 · 29/05/2023 16:57

My son charges between £80 and £100 for a valet and he’s cheap

Show quote history

Ah sorry I meant one of the basic level ones - vacuum and polish type thing, not a detail/wax etc. job.

Tbf round here a simple valet which is all thats needed here is £25, I just put £50 as assume it depends where you live.

LolaMoon · 29/05/2023 17:57

AngeloMysterioso · 29/05/2023 17:53

It wasn’t an accident. You didn’t go for a walk on the beach by accident, your stuff didn’t get sandy by accident (it’s an entirely logical and predictable consequence of being on the beach) and you didn’t dump your stuff on her back seat by accident. You were just bloody thoughtless. Own your idiocy and pay up.

I agree. An accident would have been spilling a can of drink in her car when she went over a speed bump, - in other words you cant predict it happening. What OP did was perfectly predictable and against basic common sense. You go swimming on a beach and wrap your clothes in a sandy towel and then dump that towel on the seat of course its going to get sand everywhere. It was careless and especially if you know she has OCD and it would cause her distress.

Missingmyusername · 29/05/2023 18:01

I’d have paid for a valet, but probably wouldn’t have gone for a swim/walk knowing she was picking me up, knowing she has ocd, especially as the car was new. It’s irritating doing someone a favour and then paying for it.

KarmaStar · 29/05/2023 18:03

£20 is a lot of money.If you literally don't have it offer to bring it to yours to clean for her.or promise to pay when you have it.
You were careless and disrespectful and saying you don't have the money is not really the answer.

FixTheBone · 29/05/2023 18:06

MrsJBaptiste · 29/05/2023 17:50

I hoover my car out every weekend, I love having a pristine car and mine is new (very) new to me.

I'd be so pissed off if someone got sand all over the seats and footwells, I'd sort it put but appreciate the offer of some kind of payment, even if I didn't accept it.

And presumably would look pristine and new in a few days time when you clean and hoover it the next time....

I have an expensive car that I like to look pristine, I also have 7 kids. I went to the beach last weekend.

It's a car, life happens, You'd seriously expect a friend to pay for a valet in-between the weekly hoovering and detailing that you'd do anyway? Seems petty to me.....

TrippinEdBalls · 29/05/2023 18:07

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/05/2023 17:37

Some of you must have such scruffy cars lol

I do. Mine is full of sand right now because we went to the beach on Saturday and had a glorious afternoon including time in the sea. I'll clean it at some point. I just don't think a pristine car is very important, and I think having fun outdoors is incredibly important. Obviously in this case it wasn't the OP's car to decide so she should have been more careful (really the friend should never have picked her up from the beach, you can't go for a sea swim and not trek some sand back with you so even if the OP had been careful it wouldn't have been to the friend's standards) - but it also would be fine to clean it up using standard methods as she repeatedly offered to do.

drpet49 · 29/05/2023 18:08

“The person with OCD could have also reasonably foreseen that somebody who they are picking up from the beach might have sand on them and/or their belongings, and that this getting into the car would upset them and trigger their OCD. I think they have a responsiblity themselves to let their friend know if something could be triggering, and how the friend can help them to avoid it.”

^This

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