Should I have paid to get friends car cleaned?

[fantaorangeee]

Ok, so I don't personally think this was a big deal but that might be because I don't drive and my partner has an older car just to ferry the kids around. Interested to hear other people's thoughts nonetheless.

I made plans with a close friend last night to stay over at her house and have a night in. I went for a walk along the beach/dip in the sea beforehand and she picked me up afterwards as it was only down the road from where she lives. I jumped in the car and without thinking, I put my blanket/towel/bag on the back seats of the car. It's not a new car but it's new to her as she bought it around 3 weeks ago I think. It is quite an expensive car and has clearly been well looked after so I felt awful, as all my belongings were covered in sand. I hadn't realised what I'd done until I pulled everything out and the seats/floor were covered in the stuff.

I did apologise and offered to clean up but she said it was fine, although it clearly wasn't as when I came out of the shower she was outside cleaning the car. This was at 10pm. I told her I would have done it but she said no and told me she wouldn't be long. She must have been out there for around 20 minutes. She came in and said she'd have to take the car to be cleaned as it had all got into the seams of the seats and she couldn't get to it with a cloth. In all fairness she does live in a flat and has to park down the road so can't exactly get the hoover out. I told her I'd help her today but again she said no. She has suffered with ocd and anxiety since a young age and I noticed last night that she was extremely agitated, restless etc, presumably because of the car. She's like this with her house too.

She barely spoke a word to me last night and this morning was up walking around the house really early. I woke up around 9am and straight away she was asking me what time I wanted to be dropped off at home. I think she was rushing me to get out so she could take the car to be cleaned. Again, I apologised and offered to help clean up but she said it would need to be professionally valeted. I haven't heard from her since and it all feels very awkward. I spoke with my partner about it and he said maybe I should have offered to pay for it to be cleaned but I'm not working at the moment and I presume it would have cost around £40-£50 to be cleaned (it's quite a big car).

I understand it must have been frustrating for her and I'm usually a very clean, tidy person but it was an accident and I did apologise and offered to clean it up. Surely I don't deserve the silent treatment over this? And would you fall out with a friend over something like this?

AIBU?

Well this is cracked.

What’s wrong with going to the beach and then having shower at your mates house? It’s perfectly possible to dust off 95% of sand and sit on a towel, and then wipe out the bit that does get on the seat.

The OP could have been a bit more thoughtful but she isn’t guilty of any major friendship breach.

@fantaorangeee

U didn't do the one thing u should have done, offer to pay to get it cleaned. U repeatedly offered to help, she repeatedly told u it needs professionally cleaning. She may be annoyed that she's told u that and u didn't offer to pay. It doesn't matter that u don't work, u have now left her with a bill fir your mess.

I can understand her being agitated and pacing about if she's ocd.

Offer to pay!!

I am in no way over tidy/into majorly clean, but we've just got a new car and currently I do feel a bit precious about it. I've never had a new car before, even a semi-new car, and I am just loving it. I'd have been upset with what you describe, and would have been straight out trying to clean it.

Yes you should pay I think. Bit mean not too.

I’m a complete slob, but three weeks into a new car, I would be upset by sand that I couldn’t remove.

Im guessing that as someone with OCD and anxiety, once the sand was in her car, she would have been really struggling til it was clean. She may have been angry at you, or she may
have just been really overwhelmed by her own physical response.

Now it’s been cleaned, she will hopefully be feeling a lot better. Message her to apologise, and ask her about the cost. Instead of saying “would you like me to pay?” Say “let me know much valet was so I can reimburse you”. You may have to pay her in instalments, but the sentiment is the main thing.

It wasn't an accident. If you'd given it some thought you'd have popped the boot and put your sandy stuff in there.

It will Hoover out when it's dry, but she's got to make time and spend money to get her new car back to how she likes it.

Tell you what, what she could do with is a DustBuster - maybe see if you can get one on on marketplace - I got one for a tenner last year. Otherwise the wine will do..

You're thoughtless and careless to create a mess - what are you? 10?

yes you should have given her money to get the car cleaned.

I would say, even if you are not working, the gesture is probably worth it in the long run. It will really help your friendship by preventing this becoming any sort of 'thing', (however minor, it'll be lodged in the memory bank). It's a gesture, not a requirement, and will likely mean a lot to your friend so I'd say it's worth the cost even if this is a lot to you at the moment. And it'll make it something you can laugh over in time.

Here's what I would do: call it £20 even if their valet cost more, because £20 would have covered it in reasonable circumstances and at any rate it's only half the car that needs looking at. Pop it in a little notecard maybe and keep it fairly light on the grovelling - no need to make a mountain out of a pretty straightforward thing. 'Sorry again for being an airhead and getting sand on your car - here's a little something towards the costs' (or whatever, in your own words).

Let us know your decision!

Did it not occur to you when she was being very quiet with you in the evening, that you should perhaps offer to pay? Or not even offer in this case, just do it.

Sand doesn't need professionally cleaned 🤣 petrol stations usually have vacuums for about £3 for 5 mins, id have offered to go with her to do it.

Well I think it is too bad. You were incredibly rude to make such a mess in somebody else’s car like that, do you always show such disregard for others people’s property? Most people would be quite mindful of tramping sand or mud into somebody else’s car or home.

The OCD is not a red herring, it's the reason the OP's friend is so upset and insistent on having the car valeted rather than just hoovering it at the garage as most of us would do. OP knows her friend has OCD.

If you do not have or know someone with severe OCD it's impossible to understand. It's not just being a bit particular about things, it's a distressing and debilitating mental illness.

It doesn’t really matter if other posters feel that the car doesn’t need a professional clean, the OPs friend feels like they have to. It’s like buying an expensive designer outfit and your mate pouring red wine on it - you can get rid of most of the stain but if you can still make it out then it will annoy you forever. It’s a new car! I would be annoyed if my friend threw things covered in salt water and sand in it - probs makes the car smell damp as well!

You knew it was expensive, you knew it was immaculate. Yet you showed zero care at all. I would be furious and for your passive aggressive shitty attitude, I wouldn't bother with the friendship if I were her. You sound like a terribly inconsiderate person.

The op making the mess was an accident. If she’d slung her stuff in the car while thinking “ah, fuck it, who cares about the mess” that would have been wrong. Likewise, if the op in is the position ever again with anyone else and does the same again, that would be a problem, but as a first time, it was just a mistake. No moral failing, just lack of experience.

As well as asking about paying, OP - I think you should consider messaging to check if the car cleaned up okay. That would show empathy and that you cared something that was important to her. She may not even care about the money, just the impact on the car.

It is shitty of you to blame her anxiety or OCD to minimise her upset when pretty much anyone would have been pissed off that you got sand all over their new car (and it doesn’t matter whether ‘new’ means ‘brand new’ or ‘new to her’, another dig from you). You have made it very clear that you don’t value cars but I am sure that you have a few nice possessions that are valuable to you and that you take care of, and that you would be upset if someone treated them as carelessly as you have her car.

No way would I be asking a friend to pay to clean my car unless they'd puked all over it.
A bit of sand is not that difficult to clean out - a decent hoover will do it - and certainly doesn't need an entire professional valet.
And I'm sure she knew where she was picking you up from so why didn't she ask you to put your stuff in the boot. If she has OCD I'm sure she's got some decent boot protectors.

You made a mess in her three week old new to her car, you should have it cleaned, anything less makes you as heartless as you sound.

Also apologise again - specifically referencing not just the car but also that your actions ruined the evening.

Hi friend. I’m so sorry about yesterday. I just wasn’t thinking. Did the professional clean get rid of all the sand? Let me know the cost, so I can reimburse you. Again, really sorry. I was really looking forward to seeing you and I know I messed up and caused you a lot of worry.

If friend comes back with a figure you can’t afford, work out an instalment plan but don’t mention that in your initial text.

I couldn't imagine getting the arse with a mate over a bit of sand. A friends kid brought in a load of mud in my house once on his shoes and she offered to clean it but i said no let's have another beer instead 😬 It dried, brushed off and hoovered up nicely. Id honestly cringe to death at the thought of expecting money towards a carpet clean. Not when it's something that easily cleans out anyway.

But I didn't think it was advised or helpful to 'validate' OCD fears in this way - it isn't radioactive waste, it isn't dangerous or dirty and it doesn't need a professional clean. Obviously it would be cruel to trigger her friend's OCD deliberately but I also don't think it's helpful to claim that the friend is behaving in a standard and rational way.

This. The friend totally overreacted and sounds like very hard work - sand isn’t an issue, doesn’t stain and is very easy to hoover up. But you should have suggested this as a cheap way to sort it out if she can’t extend a hoover to car car at home. No need to have it professionally cleaned.

I’d understand the friend’s mood if you had dog poo on your shoe or threw up in the car but it was sand, the stuff that will dry and then can be hoovered up. If my friend sulked like this I’d offer to pay but if a friend got sand in my car it wouldn’t be a big problem.

Sand?

I wouldn't be getting in her car again in case you end up having to buy her a new one if it turns out you had mud on the bottom of your shoe. I wouldn't be going round to her house in case you have to buy her a new one if you accidentally mark something.