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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have paid to get friends car cleaned?

362 replies

fantaorangeee · 29/05/2023 12:34

Ok, so I don't personally think this was a big deal but that might be because I don't drive and my partner has an older car just to ferry the kids around. Interested to hear other people's thoughts nonetheless.

I made plans with a close friend last night to stay over at her house and have a night in. I went for a walk along the beach/dip in the sea beforehand and she picked me up afterwards as it was only down the road from where she lives. I jumped in the car and without thinking, I put my blanket/towel/bag on the back seats of the car. It's not a new car but it's new to her as she bought it around 3 weeks ago I think. It is quite an expensive car and has clearly been well looked after so I felt awful, as all my belongings were covered in sand. I hadn't realised what I'd done until I pulled everything out and the seats/floor were covered in the stuff.

I did apologise and offered to clean up but she said it was fine, although it clearly wasn't as when I came out of the shower she was outside cleaning the car. This was at 10pm. I told her I would have done it but she said no and told me she wouldn't be long. She must have been out there for around 20 minutes. She came in and said she'd have to take the car to be cleaned as it had all got into the seams of the seats and she couldn't get to it with a cloth. In all fairness she does live in a flat and has to park down the road so can't exactly get the hoover out. I told her I'd help her today but again she said no. She has suffered with ocd and anxiety since a young age and I noticed last night that she was extremely agitated, restless etc, presumably because of the car. She's like this with her house too.

She barely spoke a word to me last night and this morning was up walking around the house really early. I woke up around 9am and straight away she was asking me what time I wanted to be dropped off at home. I think she was rushing me to get out so she could take the car to be cleaned. Again, I apologised and offered to help clean up but she said it would need to be professionally valeted. I haven't heard from her since and it all feels very awkward. I spoke with my partner about it and he said maybe I should have offered to pay for it to be cleaned but I'm not working at the moment and I presume it would have cost around £40-£50 to be cleaned (it's quite a big car).

I understand it must have been frustrating for her and I'm usually a very clean, tidy person but it was an accident and I did apologise and offered to clean it up. Surely I don't deserve the silent treatment over this? And would you fall out with a friend over something like this?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Blueink · 30/05/2023 21:39

Yes, ideally you should have offered to cover the costs at the time - but appreciate it didn’t occur to you in the moment.

Contact her and found out how much she had to pay, even though you are not working it was down to your thoughtless and careless action, not really an “accident”.

This would be an upsetting occurrence for most people with a 3 week old car, let alone someone with a related anxiety.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 30/05/2023 22:17

Message her to say you are so sorry and would like to pay for the valet. You created the mess you should fix it. I don’t think I would be bothered by a bit of sand (I have kids my car is a mess) but she obviously is and it’s your fault at the end of the day.

caringcarer · 30/05/2023 22:30

You didn't do it on purpose but you still messed up her car. You know she has a touch of OCD and would need to get it valeted. I'd insist on paying for it. It would be about £30

pineapplecrushed · 30/05/2023 22:35

BodenCardiganNot · 29/05/2023 12:53

she’s wrong to make you feel this way over something that really doesn’t matter to a normal person

So in your eyes someone with anxiety and OCD is in some way abnornmal?

I have had anxiety disorder, and it ISN'T normal, hence why it is a disorder that needs treatment. People have to take offence over everything,

TallerThanAverage · 30/05/2023 22:49

BodenCardiganNot · 29/05/2023 12:53

she’s wrong to make you feel this way over something that really doesn’t matter to a normal person

So in your eyes someone with anxiety and OCD is in some way abnornmal?

If she wants everything facing the same way in her kitchen cupboards or is fanatical about sand then that’s for her to articulate and rather than just let her friend (that was picked up from the beach) get straight into her precious car she could have checked their bag, asked them before they got in or get a protective cover. It was sand, nothing worse.

wentworthinmate · 30/05/2023 23:02

Sand does not need a professional valet. And if you can’t afford it then she should at least let you clean it. If she won’t let you do that then that’s her choice and she will have to get on with it.

Barney60 · 30/05/2023 23:07

I dont have OCD, but id be pissed off if this happened to my car, id expect you to offer to pay to have it valeted properly.
In your shoes, id pop some money in a "im sorry" card with a bunch of flowers, i realise you said your not working at the moment but you may well lose your friendship over this, she may be thinking you have not respected her property.

HerMammy · 30/05/2023 23:18

A valet for some sand? quiet easy to use the vacuum at a garage for a few quid, she's being ridiculous.

fguuh · 30/05/2023 23:22

Hope you've managed to smooth things over now op.

As a side note there's some really ignorant comments on this thread regarding ocd. It's not something people have a touch of and I'm unclear why sending her glitter in a card is so funny. It's a serious mental health condition, I'v nearly been driven to suicide with it.

AbraKedavra · 31/05/2023 00:32

First of all you/she should have waited for the sand to dry before hoovering. It would be much easier to hoover then.

Second of all even at a car wash, you only need a vacuum not a valet. That typically costs about £10.

Boomshock · 31/05/2023 00:43

Barney60 · 30/05/2023 23:07

I dont have OCD, but id be pissed off if this happened to my car, id expect you to offer to pay to have it valeted properly.
In your shoes, id pop some money in a "im sorry" card with a bunch of flowers, i realise you said your not working at the moment but you may well lose your friendship over this, she may be thinking you have not respected her property.

The friend might lose some friendships herself if that's how she goes on, the silent treatment and rushing her out of the house in the morning.
I would be extremely uncomfortable around her after that.

MidnightMeltdown · 31/05/2023 01:54

To be honest, if she's that upset about imperceptible grains of sand in the seams of her car, then she probably shouldn't offer to pick up passengers. Especially not from a beach!

It was an accident, and you've already responded appropriately by offering to clean it. A professional valet is way OTT.

Your friend has a mental illness and I'm sure that it must be very distressing, but her reaction is unreasonable and disproportionate. If she expects other people to pander it, then she will isolate herself. OCD tends to get worse the more you feed it.

MadMadaMim · 31/05/2023 02:28

I'm with the 'OCD' friend, with the OCD element being irrelevant, btw

If be mightily pissed off if my supposed friend got into my 3 week old car (new or otherwise) and covered it in sand. Why didn't you put your stuff on the floor/in the boot? Why was there so much sand?

Accident or not, the issue is that you didn't think, and her car was left covered in sand. You not working does not mean you can simply expect others to cover your costs. Youh should have offered to pay for valeting or explained that you can't afford to pay for valeting in one go but could give her £5 per week.

Ruffpuff · 31/05/2023 02:36

Everyone saying she needs it to be professionally valeted…I think she needs professional help.

It’s a bit of sand. What do you expect when you collect someone from the beach?

lilyak · 31/05/2023 02:45

Yes, very obviously you should pay. Your financial situation has nothing to do with it. You caused the damage. It needed professional cleaning. The only decent thing to do is pay to get it cleaned. I can't imagine how you could think otherwise.

JandalsAlways · 31/05/2023 02:56

Pay to get it cleaned. Can't believe you did that to a car that was only 3 weeks old.

JandalsAlways · 31/05/2023 02:58

Ruffpuff · 31/05/2023 02:36

Everyone saying she needs it to be professionally valeted…I think she needs professional help.

It’s a bit of sand. What do you expect when you collect someone from the beach?

It's not really about that. Someone has spent alot of money on something and you've 'damaged' it, it's just common courtesy and respect for someone. OP herself said it was all over the back seat. If the friend wasn't bothered then fine, but she obviously was

MidnightMeltdown · 31/05/2023 03:12

lilyak · 31/05/2023 02:45

Yes, very obviously you should pay. Your financial situation has nothing to do with it. You caused the damage. It needed professional cleaning. The only decent thing to do is pay to get it cleaned. I can't imagine how you could think otherwise.

It's not 'damage' though and it doesn't require professional cleansing. That is completely ludicrous.

It's a few grains of sand that could easily be sorted with a quick hoover.

If tiny grains of sand, dirt, dust or whatever are considered 'damage' then this must surely be a car for looking at, not using.

Perhaps OP should get a hazmat suit before travelling in future. What if there's a stray hair? 😱

Maddy70 · 31/05/2023 03:31

Yes you should offer.

Or suggest to go to the local garage where they have the car vacuums. And clean it for her

Sabd gets in everywhere.

Boomshock · 31/05/2023 03:33

Sand on the seat means the car is 'damaged' 😂ok then.
Maybe she needs a mechanic then rather than a vacuum.

Petlover9 · 31/05/2023 04:03

minny80 · 30/05/2023 19:34

So you friend is inviting you to stay over, picks you up from your walk, drives you home the day after. On the other hand, you made a mess of her new car, you know her well enough to understand that this has upset her, but you don't care enough to make mend. TBH OP you come across really self-absorbed, and if I were your friend I would be annoyed to.

I used to have a friend like that, we once went swimming with our children and she locked herself out of the car. I drove her home to pick up the spare keys and then back to the place (at least 30' drive each way). Her daughter fell asleep and had an accident in my car. Sorry and thank you, but not a mention to pay for fuel or having the car professionally cleaner (backseat was soaked in urine). We are no longer friends (for many other reasons) and I don't think I am missing out at all.

Reminds me of when I took someone and their 5year old in my car as hers was in for service. Child wanted an orange and asked what to do with the peel and was told just drop it on the floor! In the way back she ate sweets and dropped wrappers on the floor. When I took her home I gathered everything up and threw it on her lawn. A week later she wanted another lift but I said quite pointedly that I had spent ages hoovering the inside of my car and wanted it to stay clean. All I got was "you are too fussy". Same person lost another friend when she needed a lift to swimming class with her child who opened a can of drink, took a sip and let the rest tip out over the seat. People need to respect the property of others

lilyak · 31/05/2023 04:41

Doesn't sound like a few grains of sand.

Regardless, OPs friend was clearly upset, which OP caused. Its the principle of the matter. OP can either make restitution, or lose the friendship.

Dazedandbemused0 · 31/05/2023 06:14

Yes, I’d offer to pay.

rainydaysandtuesday · 31/05/2023 06:56

Im guessing friend doesn't have kids 😂

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/05/2023 08:36

rainydaysandtuesday · 31/05/2023 06:56

Im guessing friend doesn't have kids 😂

@rainydaysandtuesday

how is that relevant?

lots of people on here have said they would be annoyed and I’m sure they have kids

also bit different your kids making a mess versus a fully grown adult who should know better!