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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have paid to get friends car cleaned?

362 replies

fantaorangeee · 29/05/2023 12:34

Ok, so I don't personally think this was a big deal but that might be because I don't drive and my partner has an older car just to ferry the kids around. Interested to hear other people's thoughts nonetheless.

I made plans with a close friend last night to stay over at her house and have a night in. I went for a walk along the beach/dip in the sea beforehand and she picked me up afterwards as it was only down the road from where she lives. I jumped in the car and without thinking, I put my blanket/towel/bag on the back seats of the car. It's not a new car but it's new to her as she bought it around 3 weeks ago I think. It is quite an expensive car and has clearly been well looked after so I felt awful, as all my belongings were covered in sand. I hadn't realised what I'd done until I pulled everything out and the seats/floor were covered in the stuff.

I did apologise and offered to clean up but she said it was fine, although it clearly wasn't as when I came out of the shower she was outside cleaning the car. This was at 10pm. I told her I would have done it but she said no and told me she wouldn't be long. She must have been out there for around 20 minutes. She came in and said she'd have to take the car to be cleaned as it had all got into the seams of the seats and she couldn't get to it with a cloth. In all fairness she does live in a flat and has to park down the road so can't exactly get the hoover out. I told her I'd help her today but again she said no. She has suffered with ocd and anxiety since a young age and I noticed last night that she was extremely agitated, restless etc, presumably because of the car. She's like this with her house too.

She barely spoke a word to me last night and this morning was up walking around the house really early. I woke up around 9am and straight away she was asking me what time I wanted to be dropped off at home. I think she was rushing me to get out so she could take the car to be cleaned. Again, I apologised and offered to help clean up but she said it would need to be professionally valeted. I haven't heard from her since and it all feels very awkward. I spoke with my partner about it and he said maybe I should have offered to pay for it to be cleaned but I'm not working at the moment and I presume it would have cost around £40-£50 to be cleaned (it's quite a big car).

I understand it must have been frustrating for her and I'm usually a very clean, tidy person but it was an accident and I did apologise and offered to clean it up. Surely I don't deserve the silent treatment over this? And would you fall out with a friend over something like this?

AIBU?

OP posts:
TrippinEdBalls · 30/05/2023 09:03

pictoosh · 30/05/2023 05:57

Can't get over how much of a pounding you have taken over this OP. Some of the comments are so angry they're actually funny. You've been accused of doing it on purpose because you're jealous and everything! LOL!
Who knew people could become so upset over a handful of sand?
Fucking hell.

I know, it appears that there are actually people in this world who imagine that others are looking at their clean car with raging jealousy, desperate to sabotage it...! I will admit though that I both don't understand and hate car culture, in my dream world there would be no private car ownership and so the sand would be in all of our cars.

mainsfed · 30/05/2023 09:04

WestOfWestminster · 30/05/2023 07:37

This is the most bizarre thread I have read on here recently.

It's only sand, are the people suggesting how horriffic this is urban city dwellers who live miles from the coast? Posters are acting like you've poured radioactive waste over her car?

Also, where has the £20 come from? If you are going to pay for a valet then you are going to need more than £20, surely £40 minimum.

My car is a sand pit in the summer but that’s by the by, because it’s my choice.

OP’s attitude to her friend’s car is deplorable.

She has probably lost a friend for thoughtless behaviour.

WestOfWestminster · 30/05/2023 09:43

mainsfed but also, the friend with the sandy car hasn't exactly covered herself in glory either, by sulking and being passive aggressive instead of upfront talking to her friend and agreeing how to fix the issue. She has equally done herself no favours and has probably lost a good friend as a result.

The sandy car friend sounds like a bit of a bore anyway making such a fuss over something so easily fixed.

TallerThanAverage · 30/05/2023 17:16

My friend has OCD but she always says that it’s her issue and not other people’s. You didn’t do it intentionally, you apologised, you repeatedly offered to help clean it up which she refused. Send a card and a bottle of wine or bouquet as an apology. If you want to make an impression put some glitter or confetti in the card!

Boomshock · 30/05/2023 17:33

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 30/05/2023 08:12

Agreed. Why not pay her car finance off & pay her petrol for a year too 😂

There are some loons on here these days.

Show quote history

😂😂😂

Catsbreakfast · 30/05/2023 17:36

Are you being serious? You ruined her new car and didn’t even offer to get it cleaned?

Megifer · 30/05/2023 17:42

Ruined 🤣🤣🤣

WestOfWestminster · 30/05/2023 17:54

I love the idea of a glitter/confetti apology card. Definitely the way to go.

innerspace · 30/05/2023 17:58

If you want to make an impression put some glitter or confetti in the card!

I love this! 😂😂

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 30/05/2023 18:02

Aw I feel for the friend! It's like when you buy white trainers and the first time they get muck on them and you're gutted. First time her new car has gotten scruffy. Day after I bought my new car I opened a fizz bottle of pop and it exploded. I was gutted and tried really hard to unsticky it. Now car is several years old and quite minging and I don't care.

OP, you've apologised. I think you should offer to pay for the cleaning within reason

mandlerparr · 30/05/2023 18:19

Stop offering to clean it and ask her what she needs from you instead. "I am sorry that I got so much sand in your car, what can I do to fix it?" If she says nothing, take her at her word. She may be more annoyed at your continued asking. Or, she may be annoyed at herself as she knew she was picking you up at a beach but she didn't put down a liner. Even if you had shaken everything out, sand still would have gotten everywhere, that is what it does. She may be mad at herself for not having a plastic tote in the car for you to put your things in. Though sand would have probably still have gotten everywhere. It is just the nature of sand.

JenWillsiam · 30/05/2023 18:30

Of course you should pay. And you know it.

pictoosh · 30/05/2023 18:50

"If you want to make an impression put some glitter or confetti in the card!"

😆

LovelyLisa2 · 30/05/2023 19:14

I wound have paid, you dirtied it…

minny80 · 30/05/2023 19:34

So you friend is inviting you to stay over, picks you up from your walk, drives you home the day after. On the other hand, you made a mess of her new car, you know her well enough to understand that this has upset her, but you don't care enough to make mend. TBH OP you come across really self-absorbed, and if I were your friend I would be annoyed to.

I used to have a friend like that, we once went swimming with our children and she locked herself out of the car. I drove her home to pick up the spare keys and then back to the place (at least 30' drive each way). Her daughter fell asleep and had an accident in my car. Sorry and thank you, but not a mention to pay for fuel or having the car professionally cleaner (backseat was soaked in urine). We are no longer friends (for many other reasons) and I don't think I am missing out at all.

masterblaster · 30/05/2023 19:35

BodenCardiganNot · 29/05/2023 12:53

she’s wrong to make you feel this way over something that really doesn’t matter to a normal person

So in your eyes someone with anxiety and OCD is in some way abnornmal?

Yes. OCD and anxiety are things that make you different to the vast majority, hence by the definition of abnormal, abnormal.

One can be abnormally intelligent, abnormally charismatic, abnormally anxious or abnormally strong. Abnormal doesn’t imply “bad”.

TomRaider · 30/05/2023 20:19

I'd have offered to hoover it. That's it, it's sand not turd or chewing gum.

I keep my car clean ish, inwash it a few times a year and hoover it bimonthly. But it's a car a tool.

I've always said British people have a wierd relationship with cars and dogs. Giving them status and priority way above what they deserve.

LaDamaDeElche · 30/05/2023 20:48

This does seem an over-reaction, surely if you live near the beach, then getting sand in things is a daily occurrence and something that just goes with living near the beach! I live in Spain and people clean everything before they put it in the car. No one shoves sandy stuff in the back or gets in wet. People sit on a towel and put anything that might still have a bit of sand on in the boot. It's very easy to do.

RosieLeaLovesTea · 30/05/2023 20:49

I would have offered to pay at least half. It’s a new car to her as she only had it 3 weeks and she suffers with OCD/anxiety and so it’s probably a trigger for her.

LaDamaDeElche · 30/05/2023 20:56

In fairness, we’re at the beach very regularly over the summer, and no matter how much shaking, beating and flapping I do with the towels, sandals, beach bags etc, the interior of the car still looks like a sand dune after every trip How? Do we just shake better on the continent 😂? We take tables, chairs, bags, towels etc and still manage to have a car that doesn't look like a sand dune. It's really not that hard. Clean stuff that can be cleaned in the water and carry it over the sand, keep bags on towels, shake said towels, wash feet and take a pair of clean flip flops, clean towels on seats and all stuff in the boot. The boot is a tiny bit sandy and that's it. No sand dune in your car at all and we live on the beach for the entire summer.

Dibbydoos · 30/05/2023 20:57

Yes you should have offered to pay, mine costs £17 at my local valeting place. I have a bmw x3 - it's a pretty big car (though most people assume they're small 🙄)

Appreciate you're not working, but who wouldn't know tgeir stuff had sand all over it when you've been on the beach 🤔

PeachyPeachTrees · 30/05/2023 21:01

She doesn't need the whole car deep cleaned though. Just the back seats and back footwells, so I'm sure £20 would more than cover it.

chupachucks · 30/05/2023 21:17

£20 is very cheap for a quick valet. Me and my partner both have cars my DH likes to keep his car pristine inside, sends ages cleaning the car and dressing the leather seats. Some people take great pride in their cars I see that some on MN struggle to get their heads around this fact.

I would not worry touch in mine and a vac would do but the other car would be an issue. If you got sand in her car as an accident it's only fair you pay. It's not up to other to judge how much this would upset you or how much care others take of their belongings.

Cars can cost a fortune and be very personal to people, I'd you don't care if you car gets full of sand from your kids that's fine but it's also done if others dont feel the same.

MN can really bring out the outspoken and judgemental warriors at times.

WollyParton · 30/05/2023 21:22

It might not just be about her anxiety. If the car is on HP, or within warranty she might be under legal obligation to keep it in A1 condition. Perhaps buy her a voucher for a pro valet?

Absolutelyridiculous · 30/05/2023 21:38

Your friend obv has OCD. Sand isn't dirty and can be vacuumed up quite easily. I understand she lives in a flat, but garages & car wash places have vacs. Just tell her & can you pay and take her to a car wash place?
She's being ridiculous!