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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have paid to get friends car cleaned?

362 replies

fantaorangeee · 29/05/2023 12:34

Ok, so I don't personally think this was a big deal but that might be because I don't drive and my partner has an older car just to ferry the kids around. Interested to hear other people's thoughts nonetheless.

I made plans with a close friend last night to stay over at her house and have a night in. I went for a walk along the beach/dip in the sea beforehand and she picked me up afterwards as it was only down the road from where she lives. I jumped in the car and without thinking, I put my blanket/towel/bag on the back seats of the car. It's not a new car but it's new to her as she bought it around 3 weeks ago I think. It is quite an expensive car and has clearly been well looked after so I felt awful, as all my belongings were covered in sand. I hadn't realised what I'd done until I pulled everything out and the seats/floor were covered in the stuff.

I did apologise and offered to clean up but she said it was fine, although it clearly wasn't as when I came out of the shower she was outside cleaning the car. This was at 10pm. I told her I would have done it but she said no and told me she wouldn't be long. She must have been out there for around 20 minutes. She came in and said she'd have to take the car to be cleaned as it had all got into the seams of the seats and she couldn't get to it with a cloth. In all fairness she does live in a flat and has to park down the road so can't exactly get the hoover out. I told her I'd help her today but again she said no. She has suffered with ocd and anxiety since a young age and I noticed last night that she was extremely agitated, restless etc, presumably because of the car. She's like this with her house too.

She barely spoke a word to me last night and this morning was up walking around the house really early. I woke up around 9am and straight away she was asking me what time I wanted to be dropped off at home. I think she was rushing me to get out so she could take the car to be cleaned. Again, I apologised and offered to help clean up but she said it would need to be professionally valeted. I haven't heard from her since and it all feels very awkward. I spoke with my partner about it and he said maybe I should have offered to pay for it to be cleaned but I'm not working at the moment and I presume it would have cost around £40-£50 to be cleaned (it's quite a big car).

I understand it must have been frustrating for her and I'm usually a very clean, tidy person but it was an accident and I did apologise and offered to clean it up. Surely I don't deserve the silent treatment over this? And would you fall out with a friend over something like this?

AIBU?

OP posts:
MsJuniper · 29/05/2023 19:35

As she has refused your offers of help, I think you need to give her some money towards the cleaning rather than just offer.

It seems like you value the friendship, so I would put £20 in a card with a final apology.

It's nice that you have taken it seriously and apologised rather than dismissing it - I'm sure she appreciates that.

FeigningConcern · 29/05/2023 19:41

I've got sand in my car multiple times in my life as we surf and beach a lot. It is not difficult to get out at all. You just need a good hoover. No I'd not have paid for a professional valet. That is ridiculously expensive and unnecessary. I would however have offered to hoover it for her using a decent hoover as she obviously can't do it from her flat.

TokyoSushi · 29/05/2023 19:43

Not RTFT but regardless of whether it's a lot of money or not you should pay. I'd transfer £20/25 through so she can't refuse it and then send a message saying 'I'm so sorry about your car yesterday, I've popped something into your account which will hopefully help towards the cleaning cost'

1offnamechange · 29/05/2023 19:48

Mirrorballparade · 29/05/2023 17:02

@1offnamechange bore off. It gets all in the crevasses of the car all on the floor under the seats down the side of the seats.

You might wanna live like a scruff but doesn’t mean everyone does.

Show quote history

yes....that's what the hoover is for. Have you not used one before? You don't just wave it in the air randomly and hope for the best, you point the nozzle at said crevices (I think that's what you meant rather than crevasses) and hey presto it removes the sand, as it is designed to do.

I mean I'm not going to post pictures of my cars to win an argument with an internet stranger but they are all very clean. I have had them valeted or do a more thorough cleaning if needed (food/mud etc.) but sand alone really doesn't merit it.

Vitriolinsanity · 29/05/2023 19:57

@JMSA I think we could be friends

MimiGC · 29/05/2023 20:10

Practically every garage has a vacuum cleaner, which will cost a few pounds max. Offer to pay for that first. How much sand can there be from a bag of swimming things?

itsgettingweird · 29/05/2023 20:28

I'm really surprised by the number of people who would be visably upset by this and think it was rude to accidentally get sand in the car.

OP if you offered to clean my car I'd have taken you up on the offer.

Not because of the sand - but because it needs a bloody good internal clean Grin

LookItsMeAgain · 29/05/2023 20:31

It's possible to bring the car to a petrol station and vacuum it there. It doesn't have to be professionally cleaned but you should pay for it to be cleaned if you can't afford to get it valeted

WiddlinDiddlin · 29/05/2023 20:44

VDisappointing · 29/05/2023 16:21

I think the whole point of being diagnosed with OCD is that we don't have normal responses to these situations.

Show quote history

But you know it isn't normal and you do your best not to take it out on someone else - by doing things like accepting the apology, accepting their solution (even if you will feel like you have to re-vacuum it yourself later), by being pro-active and asking someone not to dump sandy beach stuff on the back seat in the first place.

Lots of people have their 'things' - my DP is autistic, I have ADHD and multiple disabilities - to a certain degree, it is on us NOT to be arseholes to other people as a result of those things.

Muu · 29/05/2023 21:22

@WiddlinDiddlin but I’d argue that an adult should know better not to dump dirty beach stuff over the seats of someone else’s car. It’s just bad manners and nobody should have to micromanage their friends to stop them doing things like that. Kids yes but not adults surely.

FirstFallopians · 29/05/2023 21:27

Muu · 29/05/2023 21:22

@WiddlinDiddlin but I’d argue that an adult should know better not to dump dirty beach stuff over the seats of someone else’s car. It’s just bad manners and nobody should have to micromanage their friends to stop them doing things like that. Kids yes but not adults surely.

In fairness, we’re at the beach very regularly over the summer, and no matter how much shaking, beating and flapping I do with the towels, sandals, beach bags etc, the interior of the car still looks like a sand dune after every trip.

OP might have done her best to get most of the sand off, I wouldn’t take it for granted that she was careless.

mainsfed · 29/05/2023 21:31

I can’t believe you think it’s not a big deal Confused

You’ve just had a free night away and meals at her expense, and now you’ve saddled her with a sandy, salty car.

I wouldn’t be surprised if she never wants you over again.

realityhack · 29/05/2023 21:37

OP might have done her best to get most of the sand off, I wouldn’t take it for granted that she was careless

No, she admitted being careless and said she dumped her sandy stuff on the back seat without thinking.

Ginseng1 · 29/05/2023 21:38

It was an accident you kept apologizing & offered to clean it why didn't she take you up on this? She might have ocd but even so IMO it's ridiculous & rude to practically shun someone for the night then hunt them out of your home early over this!

Muu · 29/05/2023 21:49

@FirstFallopians fair enough. I can see both sides of this really. I grew up near to a beach.

Isthisit22 · 29/05/2023 21:50

Yes you should pay and possibly consider starting to make your own way to or from your friends’ houses. It’s annoying when people who don’t drive just expect to be picked up and dropped off. Hope you at least brought food or a bottle of wine with you

ifIwerenotanandroid · 29/05/2023 23:54

AlwaysGinPlease · 29/05/2023 18:42

Ok, so I don't personally think this was a big deal but that might be because I don't drive and my partner has an older car just to ferry the kids around

It's not a new car but it's new to her as she bought it around 3 weeks ago I think. It is quite an expensive car and has clearly been well looked after

She has suffered with ocd and anxiety since a young age and I noticed last night that she was extremely agitated, restless etc, presumably because of the car. She's like this with her house too

I spoke with my partner about it and he said maybe I should have offered to pay for it to be cleaned but I'm not working at the moment and I presume it would have cost around £40-£50 to be cleaned

All your words OP - so from all
that I get that you are saying because you can't drive and your partner drives an old banger, you can't appreciate or respect other peoples belongings. You knew it was an expensive car. You don't work at the moment. Her house is immaculate too. It sounds like you're jealous of your friend and maybe it wasn't an accident at all...

Thank you for saying this: the same thought occurred to me while I was making dinner tonight! I'd add this one, 'I put my blanket/towel/bag on the back seats of the car.' That makes it sound as though the blanket (covered in sand) & the towel (wet with salt water) were loose on the back seat. Nobody does that if they care about the seat & the car - or the owner.

pictoosh · 30/05/2023 05:57

Can't get over how much of a pounding you have taken over this OP. Some of the comments are so angry they're actually funny. You've been accused of doing it on purpose because you're jealous and everything! LOL!
Who knew people could become so upset over a handful of sand?
Fucking hell.

pictoosh · 30/05/2023 05:59

I'm assuming none of them take their families to the beach, what with the threat of...sand.

MRex · 30/05/2023 07:02

Paying for the valet or buying her a portable vacuum cleaner for the car might help. Wiping sand with a cloth is pretty pointless.

I don't understand how you can get from the beach into a car without wrapping your stuff up and shaking off sand though, that's some level beyond thoughtless and into the territory of rude. Knowing she has OCD makes your behaviour even worse. If you can't afford a valet then sell some bits so you can get the portable vacuum as a jokey sorry present, it might help you to think about others next time if you have to make efforts in apology.

ddd20102010 · 30/05/2023 07:07

You should message her apologising and asking her bank details to transfer the money to pay. You have also caused her a lot of inconvenience having to take the car to be cleaned. A bunch of flowers as well perhaps.

WestOfWestminster · 30/05/2023 07:37

This is the most bizarre thread I have read on here recently.

It's only sand, are the people suggesting how horriffic this is urban city dwellers who live miles from the coast? Posters are acting like you've poured radioactive waste over her car?

Also, where has the £20 come from? If you are going to pay for a valet then you are going to need more than £20, surely £40 minimum.

Pottedpalm · 30/05/2023 08:10

mrsbyers · 29/05/2023 12:50

It’s sand , she can drive to the garage and shove £2 in the hoover and it’ll be sorted - she’s wrong to make you feel this way over something that really doesn’t matter to a normal person

This

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 30/05/2023 08:12

WestOfWestminster · 30/05/2023 07:37

This is the most bizarre thread I have read on here recently.

It's only sand, are the people suggesting how horriffic this is urban city dwellers who live miles from the coast? Posters are acting like you've poured radioactive waste over her car?

Also, where has the £20 come from? If you are going to pay for a valet then you are going to need more than £20, surely £40 minimum.

Agreed. Why not pay her car finance off & pay her petrol for a year too 😂

There are some loons on here these days.

CornishGem1975 · 30/05/2023 08:32

pictoosh · 30/05/2023 05:59

I'm assuming none of them take their families to the beach, what with the threat of...sand.

Of course I do, but I don't shake it all over somebody else's car.