In tears all day, flashbacks to fucking up awful final hours of Mum's cancer, starting to drink

[PleaseMakeItGoAway]

I need to make it stop. I'm tearful all day over loads of stuff around her death really but at the back of it is the awful thing that happened when Mum was dying.

She choked and made a noise like drowning, like she was afraid. I didn't try to roll her on her side in case I made it all worse. I didn't try to roll her because when she was conscious, she was uncomfortable even gingerly lying on her side.

This was because she had huge tumours all through her abdomen and I was fucking afraid that the vascularised tumours would rupture and haemorrhage, or that there would be a massive variceal bleed.

So she choked and I didn't do anything but call for the hospice nurse, and now how do I live with that for the rest of my life? How am I supposed to do that?

I have poured myself a drink to make it stop but I can't obviously do this very often. I'm in counselling but a therapist can't make what I have done (or failed to do) not be the reality.

Yes, I will be sure to tell my DC to NOT stay when my end is near. I don’t want them seeing me at the end. I’ve seen it enough to not want to inflict it on the next generation.

My dad was in end of life at home no food or drink for days
he started gurgling ( he couldn’t cough or anything to clear his throat)
I didn’t know what to do in the end I turned him in his side hung him over the edge of his bed to drain it all out

the guilt of thinking I’d done the wrong thing and just bought him more misery was horrendous
he only lasted a few more days
I think I acted out of instinct rather than compassion
I wasn’t brave enough to leave him but I think that would of been the right thing to do

I second this she helps you make sense of a few things , she's on Facebook too if you don't have tiktok.

I've recently lost both my parents and find myself replaying their last days and it's hard.

But dear OP you can't beat yourself up forever trying to second guess yourself. It was an impossible situation with no right or wrong reaction. You did what you felt was in your mum's best interest which is all any of us can do.

I'm sure your Mum would not want you to be putting yourself through this.
❤️

My thoughts are with you. You comforted and were there in her hour of need. You should be proud of the life and support and kindness you showed. 💜 Be gentle to yourself.

OP, guilt is an absolutely standard response after the death of a loved one - even when there is nothing rational to feel guilty about.
If you had moved your mother, you would now be feeling guilty that it might have caused her pain, or that helping her to breathe prolonged her suffering and death.
My DH died young, unexpectedly, and I felt guilt for ages that I hadn’t made him a special dinner, not knowing it would be his last meal on earth. My guilt was irrational, just as yours is.
Try to see your guilt in context as a normal
grief reaction. It is painful to feel guilt, and it helps us to cry and express our sadness and pain at our loss. Use it to help your own grieving, rather than as a stick to beat yourself. It will ease, as you begin to deal with your sadness more directly, and process your loss.
Alcohol merely numbs you. It will cushion you against your pain, but it will not cure it.
Try to reduce the drinking, and accept your feelings of grief as normal. Crying is far more therapeutic than a bottle. Let yourself grieve - it is the price we all pay for a loving relationship, and has to be paid sooner or later.
Your loss is very raw and new, but I promise you the pain will get more bearable. There is a lovely stone memorial by the Water of Leith in Edinburgh that says simply: “Grief is not forever. But love is.” Hold onto that thought. God bless.

OP, have you had trauma therapy?

If you're in the UK you can call your local NHS IAPT service to self-refer and access CBT for symptoms of PTSD. They'll assess you and if you have clinically significant symptoms refer you for trauma therapy. It usually takes up to twenty sessions, sometimes they used EMDR and sometimes something called Cognitive Processing Therapy, delivered by an accredited and trained CBT therapist. It can be life changing. You don't have to live like this forever. There is a way out.

Watching someone die can be horrific. You were there for her at the end that's what matters. You werent sure what to do so you got help -absolutely the right thing. I'm sorry for your loss

Doesnt matter whether you did the right thing or not. End stage cancer is end stage cancer. Its painful (hence the heavy duty drugs) and prolonging it wouldnt have been kinder even if you could have "saved her". Saved her from what? What benefit would she have had.

I think you're hyper focussed on this as a distraction to her death.

When my mum died, I gave myself a few weeks to drift, wallow, cry, space out, sleep, do whatever I needed to do, then, for my own sanity, I decided I needed to move forward and allocated myself 30 minutes a day at the same time to think about mum, her death, look at photos and the rest of the tone I forced myself to block it out. My point is, everyone grieves differently but you need a strategy and support to get through it. If you permanently grieve in a reactive way you will risk becoming reliant on unhealthy coping mechanisms or getting stuck.

Big hugs, cancer is awful X

You did nothing wrong OP. And lots right.
You have had lots of good advice here but just to add, if it has not been mentioned, but it could have been something called ‘agonal breathing’ which can happen before death. You could not have done anything and CPR etc at this stage would have been much more cruel.

‘What are the symptoms?

Agonal breathing isn’t the same as a “death rattle.” This is the gurgling noise that some people make when they’re dying. Death rattle is caused by saliva or mucus collecting in the throat or chest. Agonal breathing is instead an abnormal and often brief and inadequate pattern of breathing.
Agonal breathing may sound like gasping, but it can also sound like snorting and labored breathing. It may even seem as though the person is moaning. The abnormal breathing may last only a few breaths or could go on for hours. The cause of agonal breathing will affect how long it goes on and whether there are other symptoms.’

Be kind to yourself. She wouldn't want you to do this to yourself. It's traumatic enough without doing this to yourself and it won't change anything. Unless you have training in end of life, you can't know what to do. It is such a painful thing to go through.

You absolutely deserve love and support from your loved ones. Talking and sharing really helps come to terms with it.

My mother died eight years ago yesterday from cancer. There are some things I think we could have done differently, but we were there with her until she died and I am grateful for that. You learn to live with it. 💐

Very sorry for your loss OP. I also think your feelings are quite normal, but please be gentle on yourself.

There's nothing that you could have done. Hopefully you will be able to speak to a grief counsellor when you are ready. Have a drink, but be conscience to not make a habit to drink while sad.