In tears all day, flashbacks to fucking up awful final hours of Mum's cancer, starting to drink

[PleaseMakeItGoAway]

I need to make it stop. I'm tearful all day over loads of stuff around her death really but at the back of it is the awful thing that happened when Mum was dying.

She choked and made a noise like drowning, like she was afraid. I didn't try to roll her on her side in case I made it all worse. I didn't try to roll her because when she was conscious, she was uncomfortable even gingerly lying on her side.

This was because she had huge tumours all through her abdomen and I was fucking afraid that the vascularised tumours would rupture and haemorrhage, or that there would be a massive variceal bleed.

So she choked and I didn't do anything but call for the hospice nurse, and now how do I live with that for the rest of my life? How am I supposed to do that?

I have poured myself a drink to make it stop but I can't obviously do this very often. I'm in counselling but a therapist can't make what I have done (or failed to do) not be the reality.

Sorry that should have read 'have one drink tonight and then stop, because if there is one thing I'm sure of...."

But you do. Would your mum want you to feel like this and not have anyone comfort you?
Grief does horrible, weird things to you. I had “ flashbacks” to my dh’s accident — I wasn’t there yet in my head I saw it all clearly. I went over and over it for months. I was told this was my brain trying to make sense of an event that didn’t really have any sense.
Can you talk to someone at McMillan or at the hospice? Or keep talking to your counsellor.
I really hope you find peace, you really do deserve it. I’m so sorry for your loss.

God I feel for you.
Lost my mum 6 months ago. Also in a hospice.
The end was horrific, and I also feel I let her down badly. One thing I'm sure of though lovely, is that they wouldn't want us turning to alcohol.
And God knows I've downed a lot more winecthan is good for me recently.

I'm a doctor, and I've looked after countless patients at the end of life. Choking/gurgling/vocalisations are very common in a person's final hours. They can be an indication that the person is becoming less conscious and are no longer protecting their airway. It's highly likely that your mum was unaware of what was happening, but it can still be very distressing for you to witness. If your mum had previously had pain/discomfort being on her side you absolutely made the right call in not moving her. I don't know if she would still have been able to feel any pain by that stage but it's not worth taking the risk, and moving her would not ultimately have made any difference. You were right to call the hospice nurse.
For what it is worth, if I found myself in the same situation with my own mum I would do exactly what you did. You have not let her down at all, you've just endured the horrible experience of having to see your mum die, and while it is natural to feel you should have protected her from everything that happened, the sad reality is that that is not in your power. I have little doubt that if your mum could read this post she would be the first to reassure you that you did everything that could be done for her at the end. You were there for her, and while you couldn't fix it (because it couldn't be fixed) you stuck by her so that she didn't have to go through it alone.
You should be feeling proud of yourself, not guilty. I hope you find some peace.

I guess we like to see ourselves as agents but in this circumstance you were just a witness. A witness to a terrible, sad event. You didn't cause the cancer and no one could cure the cancer. You are not medically qualified, so you called someone who was better qualified to tend to your Mother. This was the right thing to do and all you could reasonably be expected to do in the circumstance. Because you didn't know the right thing to do and you didn't want to hurt your Mother. And you have no medical expertise.

I'm a palliative care nurse. It's difficult to say but it sounds to me similar to a loss of ability to control oral secretions and it can be an incredibly distressing uncomfortable noise. Sadly not every death is peaceful and sometimes there are symptoms that have to be controlled even right at the very last stage. In all honesty once that noise is there we can give medicine to dry up secretions and we can as a last resort suction but it's going to continue. It's not distressing to the patient but so so distressing to family. Repositioning would have helped drain the fluid away but it wouldn't have made a massive difference. I think it is commendable that you were with your mum right to the end and from the sound of it at home and gave her her final wishes although it was very worrying for you. I do believe that even while unconscious that people are aware of who is there.

Have you reached out to GP? I'm not sure how long ago you lost your mum but if this flashbacks are going I would definitely recommend speaking to your GP.

I have a video to share by an amazing palliative care Dr on the process of dying, I found it incredibly comforting. I find it so sad that we have birth doulas and birth debriefs but no similar service for death.

I’ve had 2 relatives do this.
The first time was a real shock but the nurses told me it’s very normal, like a final burst of breathe.

My mums death was really traumatic as she was scared of dying and seemed to be fight it.

I and a nurse moved the bed to face out through the French doors ( traditional thing to do, for the soul to be free ) and she freaked out and made that weird noise. I blamed myself too but the nurses really did reassure me it was normal.

My grandad also made the noise when we put his left hand in the arm of his robe ( an Opus Dei tradition we had to follow ) and again turned the bed.

Being there when your loved ones pass is horrible and I hope you have someone to support you now but nothing you did was your fault. You were there for them.

I struggled with PTSD after a family member's death. It was horrific. She was drowning from secretions and gurgling for hours and hours. I called the hospice (who had previously been unhelpful and unwilling to be involved until she was closer to death...yes really) They rolled her which made things 100 times worse. She woke and panicked grasping me and trying to plead for help. I wish I'd never let the nurses move her. Point of my tale is no matter what you did you'd be struggling. So dismiss the guilt and deal with grief and trauma.

I started anti depressants and tbh its been the only thing to help me cope

Oh OP. It's absolutely NOT your fault. Death can be utterly awful to watch but I think what you described is not necessarily uncommon. I had a similar experience when my Mum died and it was traumatising, despite being prepared for it (not by hospital staff, I just did a lot of morbid reading up). Please please don't blame yourself, I'd imagine your dear Mum was much less aware of it than you were and I'm sure you did the right thing in calling for help rather than trying to move her by yourself. I spent weeks and months going over things in my mind after losing my Mum. Eventually the awfulness does start to fade, I promise - you do learn to live alongside it. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself, and if you don't mind me saying - do try to be careful with self medicating with booze, it may feel it helps in the moment but isn't ideal longer term (speaking from experience here).

My mum made awful sounds at the end. No one prepares you for it. I was wracked with guilt and fear over mum’s last days. Kept thinking about what I could have done differently. Time is making the memories less vivid and less painful. Take care OP. Have a drink and try and push some of the difficult memories to one side to give yourself a break x

Just chiming in to agree that you did nothing wrong, you have nothing to blame yourself for. My mum died of cancer, those last 48 hours were rough.

You hear about the death rattle, but you're not prepared for it. With my mum, it sometimes sounded like she was trying to talk, she got agitated sometimes. She wasn't aware of anything, the drugs she was on saw to that.

You thought your Mum was in distress, so you called for the hospice nurse, the person who has been through this process a million times, the person with the most experience. Your mum needed help, so you shouted for the person most able to help her. That was the correct thing to do.

Your Mum probably wasn't aware of anything that happened to her in that last day, but if she was, it would have been that you were there, and that you loved her. She won't have known that you were scared, that you were worried about doing the wrong thing, just that you were there for her.

I'm really sorry your Mum's passing has been so traumatic.

I’ve been with more people professionally at end of life than I can count, and I am surprised that you have not experienced this in death before. It's ready normal.

You did the right thing not to move your Mum. It could have furthered her distress and you spared her that. It also could have made the noises worse and you would have blamed yourself (even though that too, would not have been your fault).

I'm sure you are aware that anger is part of the grief cycle and you sound very angry and upset with yourself. But I would gently suggest you are kind to yourself over this. You were really brave to be there for your Mum in her last moments like that. She would not want you to carry this self-blame. Get as much rest as you can, for now. And just know death is sometimes awful, you did nothing wrong and everything right.

My love,
you did your very best but nothing was going to save your mum. You need to understand that nothing could have changed the outcome.
The noise you describe is part of the normal process of dying, everyone experiences this; it’s normal and not a problem for the dying person. I know it sounds dreadful but honestly it’s normal, expected and not a difficulty to the person dying.
You were there, your mum will have been aware of this and that will have been a comfort to her.
Your rage is understandable, a day will come where it subsides only to rear up again increasingly infrequently.
You are unlikely to believe me when I tell you that one day you WILL be able to look back at your memories of your mum with happiness.
I am a mother much closer to the end of my life than I would want to be. Here is what I would say to my boys and their families:-
I love you.
I will always love you.
please understand I will always be here, you can talk to me.
I am incredibly blessed to have had you in my life and you gave me so much joy.
I will always be at your side, go forward and embrace life, be joyful. That is my most fervent wish for you my darlings.
I’m pretty sure your mum would send you a similar message.

Ask for help op. Talk to people. Not just your counsellor.
You can still be angry with yourself whilst talking to others

And then later you will find forgiveness for yourself and you will see the situation through a different set of glasses and realise that there is nothing you could have done.

This.

Where did your mum die? You are not (I don’t think) a medical professional, medical decisions weren’t your responsibility. X

You were there. You didn't let her down. There was no right choice. It sounds as if she would not have been aware of what was happening. I am sure your mum would want you to remember the good times you had together and focus on that.

Even if you had in some way let her down - and I really don't see how you did - I am sure your mum would not want you to be blaming yourself. She would want you to go on and have a good life.

I miss my mum all the time and she died from largely old age. I missed being with her because I thought she had a little more time and I went home to have dinner with my family. I very much regret that but I know my mum would have forgiven me for it.

I am sorry for your loss PleaseMakeItGoAway.

How does you punishing yourself like this help your mum or anyone else?

You rang for the nurse, that's all you could do. You aren't a health care professional, it's not your responsibility to move a patient and you aren't competent to do so.

Tomorrow, consider going for a walk or doing some gardening. Ruminating on your mum's last hours will make you feel worse, you need to take your mind off it until you can see your counsellor again. Physical activity in the sun will help distract you and improve your mood.

You absolutely DO deserve it. You did absolutely wrong and you were with her at the end and that’s an amazing thing for her to have had x

Oh god op I’m sorry for the hideous typo. You did absolutely NOTHING WRONG.

Some really helpful, kind comments from doctors on this thread. It's easy for others to say don't blame yourself, but I know it's almost impossible not to question every action when your mind is trying to make sense of things after a traumatic event. Keep reaching out for help in real life from a councillor specialising in bereavement or your GP 💐

I read your post and our stories are very similar. I wanted to tell you that you didn’t do anything wrong. You supported them as best you could in difficult circumstances

My Mum had breast cancer in 2019, had treatment and seemed to be ok. December just before Christmas last year she became really tired and her wee became oily and bright yellow. The drs had her in immediately for scans and she was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer in the lungs, liver and ovary. Initially the drs thought she would have treatment but unfortunately this was not to be. She deteriorated very quickly and was discharged from hospital for palliative care. She asked to go home. So I was the one staying with her at home and taking care of her. My brother and othe family visited too daily. She went down hill very quickly. Died 12 days after discharge. The last couple of days she was on a syringe pump, medicine for sickness and morphine. Each day they had to give her more. The night before she died, she had the death rattle. It was the worst thing I have ever heard, I thought until early hours in the morning. This was worse. She was choking on her own bowel liquid contents that were in her mouth. I had towels under her mouth that were covered in foul smelling liquid. It was like something from the exorcist. The Macmillan team came out, gave her several injections of end of life medicines that she had been discharged with. The nurses called it been sick but I know from the smell and color and amount that it wasn’t stomach contents. She was so anxious from choking on it. It was the single worse experience of my life. I am struggling to come to terms with it. I know I should talk to a professional but burying it seems easier at the moment. You have my deepest sympathy at having to experience a terrible passing.

OP you said you thought the nurse on the helpline thought you had done the wrong going. Did they actually say that or did your grief lead you to infer that?

So sorry for your loss OP, I can empathise it is just the worst torture to see someone you love so dearly die with cancer. It leaves memories that you just want to erase, but they won’t go, they fade from being utterly raw, but they remain. I am up, as woke in the night and my first thoughts were of that traumatic day. There are no words to comfort you, other than you did what you thought was right at the time, the posts from Drs say it was the right decision. Sending hugs