To find this deeply unusual and sad?

[ToTheMax0]

Met a 39 Yr old lady the other day at a small gathering at my neighbours.
I asked if she was married with kids and she looked embarrassed and said no to neither. Later on in the evening, she admitted she had never kissed a man or dated, nothing like that. Not assexual, just nothing has ever led her to a relationship and she's scared to date online but also, not entirely interested. She went to mixed schools but was teased for being ugly and then onto an almost all female college and university. Was never into the pub and club scene as a young woman either. Just find it sad for her.

They really don't.
It's so insensitive to ask if people have kids.
I've just thought of about 6 people I know , off the top of my head not married no kids. It's really not that uncommon.

THIS

I was just surprised as I have never met anyone in her position before.

That you know of. Actually, I think the most unusual thing was her telling you all this. Lots of people have private lives that you might not suspect.

I was in almost exactly the same position as this woman when I was 39. Tortured at school, never got my confidence back, and the longer you leave it, the more Sad And Unusual you feel and the harder it gets to meet someone.

You wouldn’t have believed it about me, however. Throughout my twenties and thirties I had a great job and a very busy social life and I think my friends and colleagues in those days would have been astonished at my lack of ‘experience’.

Op I am single and no children...in my 50s ....I am asked regularly whether I am married or have children. Judged on the answer, either pitied or envied. Likewise pitied or envied even when not asked, but its deduced what my status is. Regularly treated differently at work because of this too, especially when taking leave, ie why would I want Christmas off? I know I'm not alone in this either.

It isn't so much the question that offends me, but the responses and judgement as if I'm lacking something because I didn't get married or have children. The fact is I turned down a marriage proposal ...mainly because he was a lying dog... but thats beside the point !😆

I've voted YABU just for the fact you asked woman if she's married with kids....why would you ask such a personal question ?

Honestly I can't get my head around it.
With all the things you could start a conversation about, you chose that.

I’ve never been asked if I’m married by someone I’ve just met.

The only time I’m asked if I have kids is if I’m talking to someone else about their kids or I’m on a date.

I think it was pretty rude to ask and I’d avoid asking in the future.

I wonder how many men get asked that question from someone they’ve just met.

I think describing it as 'deeply unusual' is a bit over the top. It's not even that unusual aged 39 to not be married with kids these days. A little unusual to have never had a close relationship but again not that odd in a world where women are educated and have careers. It's only sad if she's sad. My neighbour is older than me, lives alone and is not very keen on being friends with anyone, she doesn't look unhappy at all and seems to prefer horses to people.

She's probably a lot happer than a lot of us - single women are the happiest and you only have to read some of the experinces on here to see why.

Probably for the best if you seriously think that diving straight into intrusive questions with strangers is appropriate and can't think of anything non-intrusive and non-dull as a conversation opener.

I find it deeply irritating that people think these are ok questions to ask. Live and learn OP, don’t be so personal in future. Marriage and kids isn’t the be all and end all.

I dunno. At least dogs don't take offence (or ask intrusive questions).

I know a lot of guys that have never dated or had a long term partner.
They are perfectly happy, are a lot less stressed than me and have a lot more disposable income so can enjoy lovely holidays and hobbies.

Its not the be all and end all for everyone.

LOL you sound so rude and judgy! Yeah it's not THAT weird to ask if someone is married with kids, but to judge them as sad and weird and 'unusual' if they are SHOCK HORROR SINGLE and childfree!!! is a pretty nasty thing to do actually. As has been said, why the F do you think any of this is your business, and why do you think you should be allowed to judge?

I had a similar experience to this woman, due to someone like you... Even though I am married - many years, and adult DC left years ago. About 7 years ago, I joined a social group where I live, and one nosey intrusive judgy woman (bit like you @ToTheMax0 ) continually asked shit like...........

1. Are you married? How long? (Fine so far...)
2. Do you rent or are you buying your home? (Bit nosey.)
3. Has your husband ever thought of trying to advance further than the low-ish position he is in at work (admin grade, very happy, 4 days a week, no responsibilities, still OK pay, loves it, so NO.) (Cheeky bint.)
4. Did I not think to try for a boy (got just daughters) I am fine with girls ta!
5. Why did I 'only' work 3 days a week, how do me and my husband manage financially with 2 part time wages? (WTF?)
6. Why do I not have contact with most of my extended family? (Moved 100+ miles away some years ago, just lost touch, and weren't that close anyway.) But she kept poking and prodding and fishing, and the more she banged on the less I told her.
7. When my older daughter left uni, she had a gap year, and then did a masters, and this woman asked 'why is she doing this? Does she not want to work, ever?' (She started her career at 23 and is 5 years in and doing very well thank you, and on double the salary me or DH are on!) I was fuming when she said this. Fucking cheek!
8. Why do we have a 10 year old car - can we not afford a newer one?

And similar nosey intrusive private questions, including about our health/wanting to know why we were going to the hospital, and why DH was off sick for 6 weeks last summer.

People constantly asking nosey intrusive questions about people personal lives is bad enough - but then judging them for it is rude as fuck, and really unpleasant. This one woman is the reason I stopped going to this group actually. She ruined it for me. As I said OP, you sound exactly like her!

Unusual perhaps, but hardly unknown. Sad- only if she's sad about it. And I agree with pp that it's better not to ask strangers whether they are married with kids. They could have just gone through a painful break-up/ be struggling with infertility/ even have experienced the death of a partner or child. In any case, it's not necessary to pass judgement on a stranger's life, if they aren't harming others.

Asking a total stranger if they’re married or have kids is not a conversation starter. Yes it might be more acceptable to ask later in the conversation (depending on how it’s going) but as an opening starter? No it’s not one I’d use randomly.

It might be unusual but I don't think it's sad. People are different. There is huge pressure in society to get married and have kids or you're some kind of failure but it's not for everyone and as you get older, the opportunities to meet people tend to dry up unless you are using apps. She is brave to admit that situation to you because I'm certain I would have lied, I would have concocted an absolute fiction out of fear that I'd get the very reaction you've shown in this tread.

Come on now, most will ask if a woman is married or has kids

No it’s not. I am 50 and can’t recall ever being asked this. And the fact you say, ‘most people will ask a woman is tellingly sexist.

I would never ask anyone this. It’s rude and intrusive. You never know someone’s backstory, and the question could be painful.

And also, it’s just not what is interesting about anyone is it? That’s why most people ask new acquaintances questions to find out about them their job, their interests, hobbies and views.

Interesting because I was once asked 'Do you work?' I was really shocked as if the person thought I was an heiress or something

@Gwenhwyfar This is a cack handed way of leaving open the stay at home mom option by people who should know better.

I never ask children if they are married with kids - for some people it's a painful question and I don't want to put my finger in that wound.

That’s really nice of you to put it out there on Mumsnet for her, I’m sure she’d just love that!

I actually would never ask if someone was married or had kids unless they’d done a lot of leading in to it, like “we did this”, “of course the little ones still sleep terribly” etc. I once asked someone if they had kids when I was an insensitive 22yo (person was 45 or so) and quickly realized she’d wanted them but it hadn’t happened and she probably was bloody sick of having to answer that question from nosy busy bodies!

Given the hundreds of posts a week on this very website made by women who are married with kids and absolutely fucking miserable I don't think either thing is a particularly reliable yardstick for measuring happiness.

All the single childfree women I know are very happy to be that way, and good for them. You don't need a man or children to be happy, and I'd argue that they often do the opposite. There's a reason single childless women live longer.

Same here. It’s a common question,

I'm in the US and I suppose we're more inclined to ask about a person's life and share bits of our own during 'social chit chat'. But not deep probing into their life out of the blue.

I could see myself asking someone if they had children IF I had mentioned my own first as part of a larger conversation about life or if there were groups of kiddies playing nearby ('mine are over there, any of those yours?'). But if they said 'no' I certainly wouldn't probe or ask why and likely would immediately change the subject. But oddly enough, I can't see myself asking if someone was married or had a partner, unless I saw wedding or engagement rings. Don't ask me why I feel one is 'ok' and the other is not.

BUT, I certainly can't see myself probing to the point where someone would say they'd never had a relationship of any kind, never been kissed, and all the other information this woman supposedly 'volunteered' to the OP, let alone anything that would lead to someone saying "Actually, I'm/I'm not asexual". And I can't see anyone volunteering such intimate information without being unmercifully prodded.

Either this is bollocks or OP is one of the most unaware and insensitive people on the planet.