To find this deeply unusual and sad?

[ToTheMax0]

Met a 39 Yr old lady the other day at a small gathering at my neighbours.
I asked if she was married with kids and she looked embarrassed and said no to neither. Later on in the evening, she admitted she had never kissed a man or dated, nothing like that. Not assexual, just nothing has ever led her to a relationship and she's scared to date online but also, not entirely interested. She went to mixed schools but was teased for being ugly and then onto an almost all female college and university. Was never into the pub and club scene as a young woman either. Just find it sad for her.

Yes, you're totally unreasonable to come on here with your faux concern saying that this is "deeply unusual" and "sad". It's none of your fucking business.

For the love of god do not start trying to set her up with anyone.

It's bad enough pitying her, let alone head tilting and setting her up with some random dude because you don't feel like her life is worthy if she's not coupled up.

I’ve got a pal like this, she used to joke about being the forty year old virgin. She says the more she hears about men and relationships the less bothered she is 🤣

I’ve also got another pal who’d never had a date. She’s now come out, took her until she was in her forties and her mum died; no coincidence. That’s a bit sad for her, and her story, absolutely not saying that’s the case here. Tbf, she says finding herself a lady love isn’t the be-all and end-all of her new-found freedom to be true to herself either.

Can’t say I ever felt sad for either of them tbh, marriage and kids isn’t an end-game for everyone, it’s a mixed bag of happiness and grief even if you do (abundant proof on here). If the lady told you this unprompted (sometimes it’s easier to speak to strangers at a BBQ than anyone else in the world, especially after a few wines) in a way that indicates she’s lonely in her life, and had regrets, I can see why you felt bad for her.

Other than that, anecdotally, it doesn’t seem that unusual.

Ignoring the slightly strange conversation and your pity I don’t think it is unusual and is becoming more common.

Maybe they have been raised in toxic families and don’t want that in their future.
Maybe someone isn’t happy to explore their sexuality and instead remain celibate and single.
Maybe they realise that life with a partner and children isn’t the be all and end all.
So many reasons!
Some people even choose to be single and childless

I'd've been tempted to look her square in the face and say ' well, I need somewhere to keep the mummified bodies of my enemies...'

Plus there are other things that really aren’t worth it. Last time I trusted a man enough to be alone with him I was forcibly raped. I have PTSD and won’t ever put myself in a situation where that could happen again even if it means being alone forever. And no, I wouldn’t be disclosing information like that to a random neighbour, my go to line is just to say love has never really happened for me but in reality it’s far more complex than that.

You remind me of people I met in the 90's OP. They asked me what I did when we met on holiday, the light left their eyes when they heard. It is all about finding out if you were 'their type of person', not genuine interest.

Are you always so toe-curling condescending?

'Come on now, most will ask if a woman is married or has kids, it's just social chit chat.'

I'd never ask such personal questions. Someone could be recently separated, be having fertility problems anything. You're putting yourself and them in a potentially awkward situation.

I'd stick to weather and what you've seen on the telly tbh.

@ToTheMax0 I had two miscarriages so I would feel uncomfortable if someone asked me if I had children. Maybe about marriage etc too.

I know relationships are really tough at times but the connection and love is worth it

This is why people have dogs.

The one question I'd have been interested to ask the victim is which single-sex university she went to, as I wasn't aware of any.

1. Bet you're male
2. Bet you're a troll
3. If you are not 1 or 2, you sound like a patronising busybody with limited imagination.

"The one question I'd have been interested to ask the victim is which single-sex university she went to, as I wasn't aware of any."

Try studying languages!
And my uni had an all female hall as well (mainly popular with some foreign students).

"This is why people have dogs."

Conversation might be a bit limited.

It would have served you right if she had answered “No, I’m asexual and I can’t have kids anyway - had to have a hysterectomy ten years ago”.

I find people like the op absolutely pointless to talk to.

Just zero understanding that anyone who doesn't have a life exactly like theirs is, can't possibly be happy.

It's also deeply patronising.

The ops response to this woman is why she was embarrassed. But she shouldn't be. She should be embarrassed on behalf of the op.

I find @ToTheMax0 your level of interpersonal skills quite low.
I’m 50, network a lot because of my career and it would absolutely not cross my mind to ask a question such as this to a woman on meeting her (or man for that matter) the first time. Up your game!

There’s only three houses in our new build street , all four bed houses and all ‘just’ a couple living in them - so it’s deffo not unusual. For us we have a separate bedroom each due to snoring / medical issues , one for a spare and one room for office / gym / music room so it’s perfect for us

It's only sad if she feels sad about it,not u.

Come on now, most will ask if a woman is married or has kids, it's just social chit chat.

I think in 2023 this is a bit out of touch and very dated for lots of reasons

First there isn't really an expectation any more that a woman is married or has children. This question really only tends to come from older married women who are a bit out of touch.

Second the whole #bekind movement - you don't know who you are talking to, there are plenty of people who wanted children but couldn't have thtem, rounds of £££ failed IVF, plenty of people who suffered bereavement and this kind of question is on a sensitive subject that is very distressing for people.

Third, I think now it is more conventional to wait for people to volunteer that information themselves. Similar sexuality - how on earth you know she is not assexual blows my mind. I hope to god you didn't ask her. If anything I feel sorry for her being put in a situation where she felt obligated to reveal this information to a total stranger

Fouth, there are a lot of people who are child free by choice and have fulfilled happy lives without the kind of problems that come with being married to often selfish men and having to raise children. Statisically single women are much happier than married women; unsurprisingly married men (catered for) are happiest. Asking the question is dated anyway but persisting is basically putting someone in a situation where they are feeling obligated to justify their life choices to you which is rude.

Whatever you say, given the whole tone of your post, I bet anything that you conveyed to her that it was in your view a terrible thing she wasn't married and didn't have children (which itself is a bit of a sad world view) - whether by your further questions or even by body language by a little tilt of the head, microgestures, and soft "oh".

Unless it’s a natural progression in a conversation I’d never randomly ask someone if they’re married or have children for small talk. The strange bit for me would be that she told you some stuff that I’d consider personal (never been kissed etc). That’s as unusual to me as me telling some stranger at a social gathering when I lost my virginity.

Another note - the people wondering if you’re male - I wonder that as do women refer to another woman as a lady (unless they’re telling their young child to say thank you to the lady or similar). I never refer to other women as ladies.

I'm single, no kids, had long term relationships. Have to say I'm alot more content than alot ofmarrieds I know, either from problematic current or ex relationships and or their children, and I'm not even referring g to baby toddler kids. Get well peed off with women/men assuming I'm sad, deprived or in someway pitiful because of my status.

I do have single friends who are in a similar place to your acquaintance who have not had long term relationships or even short ones, they do feel they've missed something be it children, having sox or companionship. But they are in no way SAD or to be pitied. Theyre intelligent, witty and independent every one of them, men are the ones who have missed out.

Conversation might be a bit limited.

@Gwenhwyfar That might be better for all concerned.

I dread being introduced to smug, rude, nosey, intrusive people like you!

Yes, honestly... You really got into it with a complete stranger, op. Maybe mind your own business going forward?