To find this deeply unusual and sad?

[ToTheMax0]

Met a 39 Yr old lady the other day at a small gathering at my neighbours.
I asked if she was married with kids and she looked embarrassed and said no to neither. Later on in the evening, she admitted she had never kissed a man or dated, nothing like that. Not assexual, just nothing has ever led her to a relationship and she's scared to date online but also, not entirely interested. She went to mixed schools but was teased for being ugly and then onto an almost all female college and university. Was never into the pub and club scene as a young woman either. Just find it sad for her.

Come on now, most will ask if a woman is married or has kids, it's just social chit chat

I don't think this is true in my experience. I don't think 'most' people ask people directly if they are married or have children, during a first meeting at something like a mutual friend or neighbour's gathering. You might ask if they live nearby, what they do for work, how they know the host etc. But are you married is quite an old fashioned as well as intrusive thing to ask a stranger.

I don't ask a woman this question. But I don't have such a limited world view & experience as you seem to have. It's quite normal for women to be single, and/or not have children.

Do you ask men this question? Do you think it's sad if a man is not married or doesn't have children?

.It's not generational. I'm proper old (70+) and I wouldn't ask questions like that if I was newly introduced to someone. I realise that there might be all sorts of complications like infertility, recent divorce, bereavement. I would wait until it became clear from general conversation.
I would ask more general things.
I know one or two really nice women who have never had a relationship but would have liked to. I don't quiz them about the reasons.

Made me think of this!

You questioned her and judged her based on your understanding of what a meaningful, happy and fulfilled life looks like (and to be fair, probably the majority of people). Maybe she’s thinking… that poor woman I met at a party who’s never published groundbreaking scientific research… who knows 🤷‍♀️

Being single is a valid choice and I can understand why many people may prefer it. But, I would find it incredibly sad to go through an entire lifetime never having experienced a romantic relationship or any form of intimacy. I would find that intolerable.

Thinking about it, who knows, the woman not having had sexual relationships, could be because she prefers that, or due to all sorts of things. It could be because she doesn't want that because she suffered severe sexual abuse as a child or something.

So it'd be even worse for someone to ask about it then.

I think your question was rude to be honest. I'm married but have never been able to have children, why on earth do people think that's an acceptable chit chat topic?

But I find an 'oh god no, couldn't think of anything worse' usually shuts the nosy judgy bastards down quite quickly

You sound sadder

I had our 1st DC in my early 20’s

I had mine at 25 and 28. I got the following comments from complete strangers...especially after the first...

Was it an accident?
Are you a catholic? (So couldn't abort my mistake and/or start a massive family)
Didn't you want to work then?
Isn't it hard watching all your friends party while you're stuck at home?
Wow that's very young
Did you have to get married? (Insinuating that I only married my husband because I was pregnant..I wasn't)

Then when I married my second husband in my early 40's....

I'm sure you can pop one out before the menopause
Don't you want to give him his own baby?

Have come to the conclusion that society is still obsessed with a woman's reproductive system despite it being 2023.

The person who sounds sad on here is you.
People's lives and experiences differ. Deal with it.

Well yeah this... I'm a bit younger than you... mid 50s, and I wouldn't ask really intrusive questions either, and my DC who are in their 20s wouldn't either. It's a personality thing, not an age thing.

@SweetBirdsong

Well yeah this... I'm a bit younger than you... mid 50s, and I wouldn't ask really intrusive questions either, and my DC who are in their 20s wouldn't either. It's a personality thing, not an age thing.

Also a breeding thing. It's just incredibly bad manners to ask people a highly personal question, or one which has the potential to embarrass someone or make them uncomfortable, unless you know them fairly well.

My mum drilled this into me from when I was a small child. She was born in the 30s. She would turn in her grave if I asked someone I didn't know from a bar of soap if they were married or have children. It's tacky and crass in the extreme and I would swerve anyone who asked this of me.

Come on now, most will ask if a woman is married or has kids, it's just social chit chat

I have rarely been asked if I’m married or have kids. Heck, I’ve surprised way more people when I’ve offhandedly mentioned my husband and children because it’s often been assumed I’m in uni or early grad school. I also don’t ask anyone those questions because why would I? It doesn’t even come up in my mind to ask nor do I need to know. People tend to volunteer such information themselves if they want to without anyone asking.

If someone asks I say... no ...but I had dogs does that count ? 😎

Saw this and thought it was Jeremy Vine for a minute. 🤓

I'm in my 40s, not married, no kids. Am not remotely triggered by being asked this question in a social setting - happens all the time. Ask away.

If I were presenting to a board of directors at work on the nuclear payload capabilities of a B-2 stealth bomber, and someone suddenly asked me I'd put a ring on it yet, I might be a touch discombobulated.

Anyway, OP's innocent enquiry seems to have opened the floodgates for this woman. Quite the disclosure for someone you've only just met. I wouldn't necessarily feel sorry for her though - any number of the hair-raising threads on this site should be enough to convince anyone the grass ain't always greener.

Yes it so a breeding thing too @Thepeopleversuswork Bad upbringing and bad manners to ask deeply intrusive questions.

Genuine question.. if you don’t have children what are you doing on mumsnet? I thought it was a forum for mums? I’m not suing you shouldn’t be on here but just curious as to why that’s all…

Advance search it, this question is asked at least once a week and there are a multitude of threads with a multitude of answers.

That should’ve said *saying not suing and was in a response to a poster not the original post

Thank you for responding - I will do that 👍

You ARE saying I shouldn't be here.

And you know what can do with your questions. .

I’ve just tried to search that question and it came up with no results?

Oh no, bless you, you may have taken my post as it wasn’t intended… it really was a genuine curious question xx

OP you were rude and very nosy. Mind your own fucking business and find some more social topics to talk about. Grilling people on their marital set up is rude. Don't do it again.