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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I pulled out of night away - did I still have to pay my share?

112 replies

Nodinnernogift · 28/05/2023 09:51

This is quite light-hearted but I'd love to hear others opinions. The other thread about a shared hotel room reminded me but I'm potentially the bad guy here.

It happened years ago but still feel funny when I run into this now acquaintance.

I began a new hobby and made some friends, let's call them Catherine and Melanie. Catherine was in a serious relationship, Melanie was single as was I. We stayed in touch, meeting up for the occasional dinner or glass of wine. Catherine or I usually instigated these meetups.

Catherine got engaged and invited me to her wedding. I was delighted. She said "are you currently single? Melanie is so perhaps you could share a room in the hotel." I contacted Melanie and it was agreed - she booked, saying the balance was due on arrival.

I then realised I wouldn't be able to attend as I had an unavoidable and not fun family commitment. I immediately messaged the bride to be full of apologies. I was very disappointed but one of those things. It was about six weeks before the wedding. Bride was lovely about it.

Later that same day Melanie messaged asking me if it was true, I was now not going and leaving her with the hotel room. I said yes it's true, I had planned to call her later after work and explain and I would of course pay my half of the hotel charge.

A week before the wedding I got a text message from Melanie saying when did I plan to pay for the room, the wedding is this week. There were a lot of exclamation marks in the message. I said I'll transfer it today and reconfirmed she isn't being charged until arrival.

So I transferred the money, messaged her to say it's in her account (I actually walked into a branch and made a physical deposit just to ensure there were no delays), have a great time and send me photos.

The day after the wedding I contacted her asking how it was and if she had fun. She wrote back that it was brilliant and even better another singleton had contacted her during the week asking if she could share her room so she ended up getting the hotel room 'for free'. Basically I paid half and this other singleton paid half.

I was taken aback but just said I was glad she had a great time and I was gutted I'd missed it.

That was the end of the interaction but some time later I realised she had blocked me on all SM. Catherine stays in touch. When I bump into Melanie she's very friendly but it's all rushed & feels fake.

YABU - of course you had to pay, you left her on her own at a wedding and she heard it from the bride first

YANBU - she should have either let the other woman stay for free or returned the money to you. It wasn't your fault you couldn't attend and you gave lots of notice

OP posts:
shelbabab · 28/05/2023 09:54

She shld have given u the money back if she managed to get someone else to use it and pay.

Very cheeky especially to tell u after! I wld have then asked for the money back.

dudsville · 28/05/2023 09:55

She should have refunded you once she got someone else in place!

Sellotape6 · 28/05/2023 09:56

She definitely should have refunded you when she found someone else to share the room!!

Why has she blocked you on social media? That’s weird.

ButtOutBobsMum · 28/05/2023 09:56

I think that earns her a place in the CF Hall of Fame!!

NuffSaidSam · 28/05/2023 09:58

You should have told her directly asap, just after you let the bride know so YABU there. You were right to pay your half.

But then when she found another person to share with she should have refunded you your half. So she's BU there.

PriOn1 · 28/05/2023 09:58

Had she not found someone else, then obviously you should have paid. When she found someone else to split the cost, she should have returned the money you’d sent. The most bizarre thing is that she told you about it!

Whenisitsummer · 28/05/2023 09:59

I’d have expected you to pay if it meant I was going to be out of pocket because you cancelled. In the situation you describe, where your friend found another person to go with who paid, I’d have returned your money. So cheeky for her to keep your money and get her stay ‘for free’. Some people!

Daffodil92 · 28/05/2023 09:59

Going against the grain a bit- I think regardless of whether she found someone else to share with, you shouldn’t have paid. She would have needed a hotel room anyway. She wasn’t left out of pocket-6 weeks is loads of notice. I wouldn’t have given her a penny.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 28/05/2023 10:01

Hmm, I’m not sure if she should have refunded all the money because if she hadn’t found someone else, so maybe half.

It sounds like she feels guilty though re blocking you.

What you did wasn’t necessarily intentional and not s friend ending scenario.

takealettermsjones · 28/05/2023 10:04

I don't think either of your voting options really fit tbh. I agree with most PPs that you were absolutely responsible for paying your half, but only if the room was not refundable at that point. If it was, she should have got a refund. Also agree that on finding someone else to pay the half and share the room, she should have given you your money back. She's extorted two people imo.

@Daffodil92 she may not have 'needed' a hotel room - if she'd known she would be paying the whole sum herself, she might have chosen a cheaper hotel, got a taxi home, chosen to drive herself, etc etc. The fact that she only needed to pay half might have swung her decision to get the room.

Original poster
Nodinnernogift · 28/05/2023 10:04

Interesting replies, it was my viewpoint too. I was fairly agog that she cheerfully told me about getting the room 'for free'.

When I was reading the other thread (OP having to remind her friend to pay her share) it made me think how different it could have seemed from her perspective -

I have to go to a wedding alone, 'friend' didn't even bother letting me know and still hasn't paid her share.

It's a shame. We weren't fantastically close but I liked the two women and would have liked to stay in touch.

OP posts:
Mythril · 28/05/2023 10:07

She's a CF.

Not sure why she told you about her fuckery, or why she blocked you on everything. Perhaps a defensive measure as she knows she did wrong, but CF usually have brass necks...

elessar · 28/05/2023 10:13

She's absolutely a CF. You did the right thing in offering to pay your share when you pulled out, but when she found somebody else she should have given you your half back, no question.

Only thing you should have done differently was contact her straight away when you told the bride - not great that she heard from someone else other than you.

Daffodil92 · 28/05/2023 10:13

@takealettermsjones in that case, she could have cancelled the hotel? 6 weeks is plenty of notice.

Original poster
Nodinnernogift · 28/05/2023 10:13

The fact that she blocked me left me feeling there was more to it but I can't see what. The bride's sister is her best friend and she knew lots of other guests so she wasn't going to be short on company.

Anyway I'm sure she has a very different version of events.

To the pp who said she feels guilty, I didn't get that impression at all. When I bump into her she's massively friendly but in a massive rush - seems totally fake.

The first time I hadn't even seen her and she made a big show of calling me over and said let's meet up soon, double-checking she had my phone number correct and promising to message the following day to arrange. I thought she must have changed her mind and it would be nice to see her, talk it through if necessary and apologise if needs be. She didn't message then the next time I saw her she behaved the same way and I realised it's all a big act so I'm not interested at all now.

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 28/05/2023 10:15

I think it was right for you to pay your share rather than leave her to pay for all of it herself, but once she had found someone else to share with she should have refunded you what you paid.

UndercoverCop · 28/05/2023 10:16

You should've told her directly, you did the right thing to pay your share. However when she found a replacement she should've refunded you minus any fees incurred (if there were any)

Divorcedalongtime · 28/05/2023 10:19

Maybe she told a fib about finding someone to share the cost of the room with? To get back at you or simply to feel less abandoned…?

Riverlee · 28/05/2023 10:23

I agree with @MargotBamborough . It was right that you paid your share, with six weeks to go.

However, if she found someone to fill you place, then that person should have offered you something, even if it was a token amount.

Lidlpopdrinker · 28/05/2023 10:24

She’s a CF.

IntoDeepBlueSea · 28/05/2023 10:25

I think she was really furious that you backed out (unreasonably so), and so enjoyed finding a reason to take your money. She knew it was the wrong thing to do, hence being blocked on SM

AmazonAmazine · 28/05/2023 10:28

Oh wow- I’d have been annoyed! Whilst I would have paid my half, and passed it on for free if needed to another, getting it for free would piss me off! She would be ‘Melanie the freeloader’ in conversation for ever more

Original poster
Nodinnernogift · 28/05/2023 10:29

Riverlee · 28/05/2023 10:23

I agree with @MargotBamborough . It was right that you paid your share, with six weeks to go.

However, if she found someone to fill you place, then that person should have offered you something, even if it was a token amount.

By 'that person' do you mean the new guest. Because they actually paid for half the room. It was my friend Melanie who then got it for free.

Posting this thread got me curious and I went back checking details in old messages. I'd immediately offered to transfer funds to her bank account as soon as she booked it and she wrote back "no it's fine, we pay at the desk". So there was no perceived chasing me for payment in the run up.

Ah well.

OP posts:
UnctuousUnicorns · 28/05/2023 10:35

The fuck I'd have paid for a hotel room I wasn't even staying in. Most hotels I've stayed at, you pay the same for a twin or double room regardless of whether one or two people are staying. Single occupancy discount seems to be increasingly rare. I'd say that if I were in Melanie's position; if a second room companion hadn't become available to share, I'd have expected to cough up the full amount for a room that I had to myself.

TakeMeDancingNakedInTheRain · 28/05/2023 10:42

She should have returned your half to you when the other person paid and stayed. I've no idea why she told you what she did if she wasn't going to give you your money back? Seems odd to rip you off and then inform you about it!