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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I pulled out of night away - did I still have to pay my share?

112 replies

Nodinnernogift · 28/05/2023 09:51

This is quite light-hearted but I'd love to hear others opinions. The other thread about a shared hotel room reminded me but I'm potentially the bad guy here.

It happened years ago but still feel funny when I run into this now acquaintance.

I began a new hobby and made some friends, let's call them Catherine and Melanie. Catherine was in a serious relationship, Melanie was single as was I. We stayed in touch, meeting up for the occasional dinner or glass of wine. Catherine or I usually instigated these meetups.

Catherine got engaged and invited me to her wedding. I was delighted. She said "are you currently single? Melanie is so perhaps you could share a room in the hotel." I contacted Melanie and it was agreed - she booked, saying the balance was due on arrival.

I then realised I wouldn't be able to attend as I had an unavoidable and not fun family commitment. I immediately messaged the bride to be full of apologies. I was very disappointed but one of those things. It was about six weeks before the wedding. Bride was lovely about it.

Later that same day Melanie messaged asking me if it was true, I was now not going and leaving her with the hotel room. I said yes it's true, I had planned to call her later after work and explain and I would of course pay my half of the hotel charge.

A week before the wedding I got a text message from Melanie saying when did I plan to pay for the room, the wedding is this week. There were a lot of exclamation marks in the message. I said I'll transfer it today and reconfirmed she isn't being charged until arrival.

So I transferred the money, messaged her to say it's in her account (I actually walked into a branch and made a physical deposit just to ensure there were no delays), have a great time and send me photos.

The day after the wedding I contacted her asking how it was and if she had fun. She wrote back that it was brilliant and even better another singleton had contacted her during the week asking if she could share her room so she ended up getting the hotel room 'for free'. Basically I paid half and this other singleton paid half.

I was taken aback but just said I was glad she had a great time and I was gutted I'd missed it.

That was the end of the interaction but some time later I realised she had blocked me on all SM. Catherine stays in touch. When I bump into Melanie she's very friendly but it's all rushed & feels fake.

YABU - of course you had to pay, you left her on her own at a wedding and she heard it from the bride first

YANBU - she should have either let the other woman stay for free or returned the money to you. It wasn't your fault you couldn't attend and you gave lots of notice

OP posts:
JMSA · 28/05/2023 11:37

What a cheeky cow she is!
And then had the double cheek to block you!

Original poster
Nodinnernogift · 28/05/2023 11:37

Datafan55 · 28/05/2023 11:27

For those saying OP should have informed the room sharer and to not do so was wrong... OP does say she'd planned to call her at the end of the same day she'd told the bride-to-be!

Thank you!

It was regrettable that she heard it from the bride first. I didn't realise they were meeting in person that day. I messaged bride to be immediately from work when I realised my error and I planned to phone my friend that evening after work. I apologised in my text and explained that to her. I knew it came across as rude but that's just how it panned out. I was really disappointed I couldn't make the wedding, I had been delighted with the invitation.

OP posts:
Daffodil92 · 28/05/2023 11:39

MumblesParty · 28/05/2023 11:28

It’s strange to have to explain something that seems so obvious to me, but I guess everyone has different standards.

You’ll see from the thread that most people agree the OP was correct to pay her share, rather than leave her friend to take the financial hit or the hassle of finding an alternative, when it was the OP who’d changed the plans.

I was going to suggest you tried to think about it a bit more but I guess you’re just wired different.

I’m not sure you understand the word “dramatic”. There’s nothing dramatic about paying your way.

Show quote history

It’s dramatic to call someone a terrible friend based on them having a different opinion on a situation posted by a stranger on the internet. It’s also nasty actually, but we all have different standards I guess 😘

SeasonFinale · 28/05/2023 11:39

I agree that as soon as the replacement was found she should have said here is a refund for your share because fortunately someone has taken your place.

Original poster
Nodinnernogift · 28/05/2023 11:39

MumblesParty · 28/05/2023 11:21

Agree.

A similar thing happened to me at a wedding many years ago when I was single. I knew loads of people going, but they were all couples, and I wasn’t massively friendly with any of them. Luckily a single friend of mine was going too, so we booked a shared room.

A week or so before the wedding, she said she couldn’t come after all. I can’t recall the reason, and I can’t even recall if she paid, but I’m pretty sure she did.

But the main thing was it changed the whole dynamic of the wedding for me. Rather than having my single buddy with me, to get ready together and face the couples together, I was on my own, and had to work much harder at being sociable.

It wasn’t a huge drama but it definitely dented our friendship because I felt let down (I think it was a fairly tenuous reason, and I suspect she had a better offer than a coupley wedding!).

Show quote history

Yeah I suspect this is how she felt.

OP posts:
1offnamechange · 28/05/2023 11:43

Daffodil92 · 28/05/2023 09:59

Going against the grain a bit- I think regardless of whether she found someone else to share with, you shouldn’t have paid. She would have needed a hotel room anyway. She wasn’t left out of pocket-6 weeks is loads of notice. I wouldn’t have given her a penny.

You don't know that.
The cost of hotel rooms can be really expensive particularly if attached to venues.

If OP hadn't committed from the start Melanie could have stayed somewhere cheaper/driven home/organised a lift/decided not to come at all/tried to see if there was anyone else to share with, etc. before booking. Once they had both committed and the booking had been made it would have been shitty of OP to pull out and leave Melanie to pay, so OP was right to offer her share, but yes of course once someone else had covered it technically she should have offered OP at least some of her money back.

I suppose the only vague argument for not doing so is that she was compensating herself for the inconvenience of leaving her at the wedding where she didn't know anyone else and sharing with a random rather than someone she knew - but that was entirely her own choice, she could have said no herself once she knew OP wasn't coming, or gone and had a room to herself half price.

adrem · 28/05/2023 11:46

Of course she should refund you the hotel money.
What a disgrace.

And then she has the audacity to block you!
Plus she tells you she got the room for free, basically at your expense. She’s ribbing your nose in it,
Plus if the balance was due on arrival why did she ask you to pay it in advance.
I would want to know when the other person agreed to share the room. I wouldn’t be surprised if Melanie already knew she had someone to share with before she asked you for your balance.
She sounds like that sort….Especially as she’s now blocked you.

anotherside · 28/05/2023 11:51

Maybe she made up the bit about finding someone else as she didn’t want to look like a Billy no mates with nothing better to do than attend a random wedding alone. Then she realised the implications of her made up story (you’d expect the money back) and so blocked you rather than leave herself out of pocket.

CuntingSheep · 28/05/2023 11:53

Melanie is a CF.

SweetBirdsong · 28/05/2023 11:55

She's definitely a bit cheeky and I think she should give your money back, but she's definitely done it because you wounded her and she wants you to know that she's taken the piss out of you and got it for free. Quite petty, but yeah she wanted you to know to annoy you.

This reminds me of some time ago - 10 years or so, my brother bought something off a so-called friend at work. For £130 (a kind of collectible item.) Turned out the man paid £15 from a charity shop for it, so he made I paid £115 off my brother. He laughed at him, and told everyone, and took the piss at how he'd made money out of him (from this thing that he got from a charity shop.) Brother was glad he had the item but annoyed at his mocking.

My brother had the last laugh because he sold on eBay for £350 six months later. He spoke very loudly about how he had made £235 from this man at work. This man said my brother was a 'disgrace' and he wanted half the money he had made. Brother told him kindly and sweetly and politely to fuck right off. But yes, this reminded me of it.

SweetBirdsong · 28/05/2023 11:56

Oh, and yeah, Melanie should refund you the money, but she won't. I don't think she has to by law, to be honest. Just see it as a loss. Move on. Ghost her and block her on everything too.

SpringNotSprung · 28/05/2023 11:57

This is why I have always made my own independent arrangements and never shared rooms.

SweetBirdsong · 28/05/2023 12:01

SpringNotSprung · 28/05/2023 11:57

This is why I have always made my own independent arrangements and never shared rooms.

Yeah, exactly this. I absolutely hate sharing a room. Maybe up to my early 30s I was OK with it. But now in my 50s, there's no way. I don't even like sharing a room with DH. I always book us 2 separate rooms, when we go on holiday because I like to sleep and don't want to be kept all night by his snoring!

SweetBirdsong · 28/05/2023 12:01

Don't want to be kept AWAKE all night by his snoring!

Original poster
Nodinnernogift · 28/05/2023 12:06

I'm not looking for the money back, it was a long time ago. I still see her around but we are once friends now acquaintances.

The other thread about OP having to chase payment for a hotel room got me thinking - it was not my choice to wrap up the friendship she must have felt wronged. People don't usually think "oh I've behaved badly, that person deserves a better friend than me so I'm going to cut contact for their sake".

I didn't even consider asking her for the money back at the time. I was so surprised that she said it to me straight out - she clearly didn't consider it cheeky.

OP posts:
deveronvalley · 28/05/2023 12:20

If one of my customers cancels, I charge them a cancellation fee based on how much notice they have given me. If I do manage to get another booking for the same day (quite a niche business so definitely not a given) then I will have obviously made more money for that day than usual - the cancellation fee plus the new customer paying full rate. But this is business. I wouldn't do the same to a friend so I don't think she considered you a friend :(

JudgeRudy · 28/05/2023 12:21

Nodinnernogift · 28/05/2023 09:51

This is quite light-hearted but I'd love to hear others opinions. The other thread about a shared hotel room reminded me but I'm potentially the bad guy here.

It happened years ago but still feel funny when I run into this now acquaintance.

I began a new hobby and made some friends, let's call them Catherine and Melanie. Catherine was in a serious relationship, Melanie was single as was I. We stayed in touch, meeting up for the occasional dinner or glass of wine. Catherine or I usually instigated these meetups.

Catherine got engaged and invited me to her wedding. I was delighted. She said "are you currently single? Melanie is so perhaps you could share a room in the hotel." I contacted Melanie and it was agreed - she booked, saying the balance was due on arrival.

I then realised I wouldn't be able to attend as I had an unavoidable and not fun family commitment. I immediately messaged the bride to be full of apologies. I was very disappointed but one of those things. It was about six weeks before the wedding. Bride was lovely about it.

Later that same day Melanie messaged asking me if it was true, I was now not going and leaving her with the hotel room. I said yes it's true, I had planned to call her later after work and explain and I would of course pay my half of the hotel charge.

A week before the wedding I got a text message from Melanie saying when did I plan to pay for the room, the wedding is this week. There were a lot of exclamation marks in the message. I said I'll transfer it today and reconfirmed she isn't being charged until arrival.

So I transferred the money, messaged her to say it's in her account (I actually walked into a branch and made a physical deposit just to ensure there were no delays), have a great time and send me photos.

The day after the wedding I contacted her asking how it was and if she had fun. She wrote back that it was brilliant and even better another singleton had contacted her during the week asking if she could share her room so she ended up getting the hotel room 'for free'. Basically I paid half and this other singleton paid half.

I was taken aback but just said I was glad she had a great time and I was gutted I'd missed it.

That was the end of the interaction but some time later I realised she had blocked me on all SM. Catherine stays in touch. When I bump into Melanie she's very friendly but it's all rushed & feels fake.

YABU - of course you had to pay, you left her on her own at a wedding and she heard it from the bride first

YANBU - she should have either let the other woman stay for free or returned the money to you. It wasn't your fault you couldn't attend and you gave lots of notice

In your situation I'd have let it go. My reasoning would be that her decision to attend and stay over might have been based on the fact she was both splitting the cost but also had some company.
If she had had got off with a guest and had a night of passion I'm sure you wouldn't care. Also if the other female had taken 'your' bed but say bought her drinks or paid for a taxi would you mind so much?
If we're talking £75 I'd let it go (but not want to foster a friendship)

Viviennemary · 28/05/2023 12:21

She should really have returned the money. But you were in the wrong letting her book and then pulling out. Not on.

IWonderWhereThatDishDidGo · 28/05/2023 12:25

Melanie hates you I think 😬

Yanbu about the money.

Original poster
Nodinnernogift · 28/05/2023 12:27

Viviennemary · 28/05/2023 12:21

She should really have returned the money. But you were in the wrong letting her book and then pulling out. Not on.

I haven't said here why I couldn't go but I'm in the wrong regardless? So there are no possible circumstances where something else trumped attending a wedding that I was looking forward to?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nodinnernogift · 28/05/2023 12:28

IWonderWhereThatDishDidGo · 28/05/2023 12:25

Melanie hates you I think 😬

Yanbu about the money.

Yes, looks like it.

OP posts:
InSpainTheRain · 28/05/2023 12:43

If I was Melanie I'd have given you your money back - very cheeky of her to keep it as she then stayed for free. Perhaps she regretted telling you that afterwards. As for telling the bride first I don't see the big deal - she is after all the bride and you had to tell her first - I don't think that should have been a big thing for Melanie.

NotMyMill · 28/05/2023 12:46

Daffodil92 · 28/05/2023 09:59

Going against the grain a bit- I think regardless of whether she found someone else to share with, you shouldn’t have paid. She would have needed a hotel room anyway. She wasn’t left out of pocket-6 weeks is loads of notice. I wouldn’t have given her a penny.

I agree with this. If she really
Could only go if another person shared the hotel room she still had time to back out.

MsRosley · 28/05/2023 13:03

You were generous above and beyond, and she has taken the piss. She knows she's taken the piss, and that she should have returned that money to you, and this is why she's now being so weird.

JandalsAlways · 28/05/2023 13:11

I wouldn't have paid given you pulled out 6 weeks earlier. What would she have done had she not shared with you? To me 6 weeks is plenty of warning (assuming the room could still be cancelled)