To ask why people are so unfriendly towards me?

Ilovebountybars · 2023-05-27T18:11:23+00:00

People have always been very unfriendly, cold, and standoffish towards me. I don't have any friends and I have never really had a group of friends. No one makes an effort to speak to me and in the past when I made an effort with people they weren't interested in becoming friends with me. I see other people make friends and I watch how people interact with others and often they are very friendly and warm towards them. But with me, they are the total opposite. For example, I went into a shop yesterday to get my phone fixed and the man working in the shop was laughing and joking with the previous customer, but when I told him about my phone he was very curt and cold towards me. I have no clue why. I recently watched the movie we need to talk about Kevin. People treat me exactly like they treat Eva, but in my case I have no clue why it is. Has anyone ever seen anything like what I am describing? Has anyone got an idea of why people are like that towards me? Sorry this was so long but I really need some help/advice.

Dacadactyl · 27/05/2023 19:18

How do you interact with people? I interact with people as though they are already my friends...whether thats the postman, someone at a bus stop, people in shops. Within seconds, I can tell whether they want to be left alone or whether they're open for a chat etc. I can also tell that some people think it can be "too much" and so I dial it back to a level they seem comfortable with.

Did you walk into the phone shop with a smile on your face and an open manner? Small things like that make a big difference.

Callyem · 27/05/2023 19:21

It's a tough one, because no one else can view those interactions to help determine why! Is there someone you know who you could ask?

DeflatedAgain · 27/05/2023 19:23

My DH is a social butterfly, very popular without trying. People find anything he says hilarious, even just normal things when he isn't even making a joke.

I, on the other hand have a terrible time making new friends, literally no idea why. My DH doesn't understand why either. People just ignore me when I talk 🤣

Some just have a certain way with people. Please don't take it to heart, you are definitely not alone!

Newnamenewname109870 · 27/05/2023 19:23

There must be someone you know who can tell you. As others have said, be smiley and chatty and kind. When you went to the shop, what did you say and how?

What kind of things do you do generally? What activities do you do for fun?

Hamburgerandchips · 27/05/2023 19:25

Is there anything about your clothes, hairstyle or makeup that is a bit wacky or out of the ordinary? People may be making instant judgements based on your appearance

Original poster

Ilovebountybars · 27/05/2023 19:33

Newnamenewname109870 · 27/05/2023 19:23

There must be someone you know who can tell you. As others have said, be smiley and chatty and kind. When you went to the shop, what did you say and how?

What kind of things do you do generally? What activities do you do for fun?

I don't have anyone who can tell me. I just went in and said hello and explained that my phone would not turn on. He looked at it and told me there is something wrong with the motherboard or the the battery and how much it would cost to fix. It was like he couldn't be bothered and didn't want me in the shop.

OP posts:

Newnamenewname109870 · 27/05/2023 19:36

Ilovebountybars · 27/05/2023 19:33

I don't have anyone who can tell me. I just went in and said hello and explained that my phone would not turn on. He looked at it and told me there is something wrong with the motherboard or the the battery and how much it would cost to fix. It was like he couldn't be bothered and didn't want me in the shop.

Show quote history

Did you smile and say hi or good morning, please could you help with my phone? Something like that. Can you practise in front of a mirror? He might’ve just been grumpy and you’re unlucky, or you may be overworrying and reading it wrongly (like he might know the other customer better). Or you may look or sound intimidating in some way.

But the fact you say you have no friends at all is more unusual. What about work, school friends?

Original poster

Ilovebountybars · 27/05/2023 19:37

I am not talkative at all. I tried to be in the past but people weren't interested at all. I have kind of given up at this point. I tried to join some hobby groups but I felt so left out that I just quit.

I don't really think there is anything to odd about my appearance. I don't wear makeup and my clothes are quite normal.

OP posts:

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 27/05/2023 19:39

Maybe he did know that previous customer though so you’re not getting a fair comparison.

Fake it til you make it has worked for me. Also get super busy, don’t expect to be best friends with everyone. Have chats with people to keep you ticking over socially. I know you’re struggling to do that but keep trying and practising. Your circle will expand and you’ll find your people. You have to be tenacious (but open and friendly and not bitter) though. I’ve lived here 8 years and this last year I finally have a clutch of good friends and feel like part of the community.

Im sure it’s not you, but if you’re focusing on feeling down about it all and anticipating interactions will go badly, then you’ll be giving off vibes before you even open your mouth ❤️

Comedycook · 27/05/2023 19:41

DeflatedAgain · 27/05/2023 19:23

My DH is a social butterfly, very popular without trying. People find anything he says hilarious, even just normal things when he isn't even making a joke.

I, on the other hand have a terrible time making new friends, literally no idea why. My DH doesn't understand why either. People just ignore me when I talk 🤣

Some just have a certain way with people. Please don't take it to heart, you are definitely not alone!

My dh and I are exactly the same. He can start a conversation with absolutely anyone...i am the opposite. One thing about my dh is he isn't self conscious at all and if someone doesn't like him or respond he doesn't take it to heart. I think you have to create an air of obliviousness around you and have a thick skin

Original poster

Ilovebountybars · 27/05/2023 19:42

Newnamenewname109870 · 27/05/2023 19:36

Did you smile and say hi or good morning, please could you help with my phone? Something like that. Can you practise in front of a mirror? He might’ve just been grumpy and you’re unlucky, or you may be overworrying and reading it wrongly (like he might know the other customer better). Or you may look or sound intimidating in some way.

But the fact you say you have no friends at all is more unusual. What about work, school friends?

Show quote history

I don't have any friends at university.

I didn't smile. He might have been in a bad mood but it's the same everywhere I go.

OP posts:

ReachForTheMars · 27/05/2023 19:44

Ilovebountybars · 27/05/2023 19:37

I am not talkative at all. I tried to be in the past but people weren't interested at all. I have kind of given up at this point. I tried to join some hobby groups but I felt so left out that I just quit.

I don't really think there is anything to odd about my appearance. I don't wear makeup and my clothes are quite normal.

If they were joking and the mood was light, did you kill it by going straight to business or did you smile and go in with related lighthearted chat first when it was your turn?

Do you open your face and smile, show teeth, ask about people? I use the "2 ears, 1 mouth, use them in that ratio" rule.

Small tak is how you build positive relationships and it's a life skill. You don't need to care that your phone shop man is going to a BBQ this weekend but asking if he has any nice weekend plans when there is a lull in conversation and he is stuck at work on a hot day will make him more inclined to help you beyond the bare minimum.

I think you need to reframe small talk from an optional extra to seeing it as a requirement for successful interactions.

Kingdedede · 27/05/2023 19:44

Ilovebountybars · 27/05/2023 19:42

I don't have any friends at university.

I didn't smile. He might have been in a bad mood but it's the same everywhere I go.

Show quote history

Why would you not smile? I smile at everyone I greet.

ReachForTheMars · 27/05/2023 19:46

Ilovebountybars · 27/05/2023 19:42

I don't have any friends at university.

I didn't smile. He might have been in a bad mood but it's the same everywhere I go.

Show quote history

You need to be the person you want to interact with.

Why would people smile at you and be friendly if you aren't? Those first seconds set the tone of an interaction.

GoodChat · 27/05/2023 19:46

It sounds like you come across as unfriendly and short with what you said and a lack of smile for someone you want help from.

Callyem · 27/05/2023 19:47

Ilovebountybars · 27/05/2023 19:42

I don't have any friends at university.

I didn't smile. He might have been in a bad mood but it's the same everywhere I go.

Show quote history

So you didn't smile. Would you say he responded to you in the same tone you approached him with?

Newnamenewname109870 · 27/05/2023 19:48

Ilovebountybars · 27/05/2023 19:42

I don't have any friends at university.

I didn't smile. He might have been in a bad mood but it's the same everywhere I go.

Show quote history

Definitely smile! Sometimes the opposite of smiling can look aggressive. And I know it can be hard to be talkative so maybe talking one on one to people? You can join groups online a bit like online dating but for friends and meet up one on one and try.

TheSnowyOwl · 27/05/2023 19:48

Is it how you perceive people and as a result people don’t respond with friendliness because they don’t get thy vibe in return from you?

I find that I can be my natural autistic self and I’m quite happy having a blunt, to the point, conversation to get whatever needs doing done. However, I can also see what other people do and tire myself out by acting happily and friendly towards strangers and they nearly always do the same back.

Beachhutnut · 27/05/2023 19:49

It may be worth speaking to your parents or a counsellor op. It's obviously bothering you and I would want someone to tell me too.

Original poster

Ilovebountybars · 27/05/2023 19:50

Callyem · 27/05/2023 19:47

So you didn't smile. Would you say he responded to you in the same tone you approached him with?

Show quote history

Yes maybe. Sometimes I have tried to be friendly to people, smiling, being polite, asking questions but they were not interested. I would say he was colder to me than I was to him. I thought I behaved normally. Perhaps I didn't. I don't know.

OP posts:

AgentProvocateur · 27/05/2023 19:50

I have moved to several countries through work, and I’ve had to make new friendships. I’m now the person that goes into a shop, and shouts “good morning” (only small shops. Not M&S. That would be weird). I’ve had to ask for help in a foreign language so many times that I really did rely on the kindness of strangers. And by being friendly and smiling, that’s exactly what I got back. It’s a cliche, but be the person you want others to be.

GoatGel · 27/05/2023 19:51

I used to feel like this and realised it was me. I decided to make a massive change to how I approach people, which at first felt very uncomfortable, now it's second nature.

I went to get a key cut the other day and approached the staff member with a big smile and "hello, how are you?" He told me his day was going well and asked me about mine. Then while he was cutting the key he asked me what my job was (because I said I was on a break) and it turned out his wife did the same job and we had a lovely chat.

However, before I wouldn't have done that. I'd just have told him what I needed, paid and left.

Might be a silly example, but it's the little things that make you seem approachable/ or not.

PurpleParrots · 27/05/2023 19:55

Practice smiling at people you meet. It makes a big difference to how they react to you. If you smile at people they smile back. Try it. As a person with a resting bitch face I can 💯 say it works 😉

Original poster

Ilovebountybars · 27/05/2023 19:57

Beachhutnut · 27/05/2023 19:49

It may be worth speaking to your parents or a counsellor op. It's obviously bothering you and I would want someone to tell me too.

I went to a counsellor a while ago. Both her and teachers at school said that it was such a shame that I had no friends because they thought I was such a nice person.

I have observed people recently and the contrast between how they are to me and how they are to others is shocking. They are warm and friendly to others but with me, it is like they are talking to Vladimir Putin or something.

OP posts:

Amdecre · 27/05/2023 19:57

GoatGel · 27/05/2023 19:51

I used to feel like this and realised it was me. I decided to make a massive change to how I approach people, which at first felt very uncomfortable, now it's second nature.

I went to get a key cut the other day and approached the staff member with a big smile and "hello, how are you?" He told me his day was going well and asked me about mine. Then while he was cutting the key he asked me what my job was (because I said I was on a break) and it turned out his wife did the same job and we had a lovely chat.

However, before I wouldn't have done that. I'd just have told him what I needed, paid and left.

Might be a silly example, but it's the little things that make you seem approachable/ or not.

I'm the same. Used to be rubbish at small talk and now actively enjoy it. You have to smile, be at bit self-deprecating and willing to chat mundane shit. You get past the mundane and onto the better stuff. I think so many people consider social awkwardness to be innate, but actually I think a lot of it is to do with how you have been brought up. My parents were quiet and no very sociable. I used to ask my secondary school boyfriend how he made so many people laugh. After 10 years with my husband, who also has a good sense of humour, I have to hold myself back from cracking a joke too often. It's definitely something you can learn.