To ask why people are so unfriendly towards me?

[Ilovebountybars]

People have always been very unfriendly, cold, and standoffish towards me.
I don't have any friends and I have never really had a group of friends. No one makes an effort to speak to me and in the past when I made an effort with people they weren't interested in becoming friends with me.

I see other people make friends and I watch how people interact with others and often they are very friendly and warm towards them. But with me, they are the total opposite.

For example, I went into a shop yesterday to get my phone fixed and the man working in the shop was laughing and joking with the previous customer, but when I told him about my phone he was very curt and cold towards me. I have no clue why. I recently watched the movie we need to talk about Kevin. People treat me exactly like they treat Eva, but in my case I have no clue why it is.

Has anyone ever seen anything like what I am describing? Has anyone got an idea of why people are like that towards me? Sorry this was so long but I really need some help/advice.

I have had a similar experience. If you can do it in different languages (some of which you can't speak a single word), doing it in your native language is a doddle.

OP: smile, engage with the person you're talking to (look them in the eye), be open. Say something banal about the weather, or how busy the shop is, or ask how their day is going. You may not care how their day is going, but people respond well to these cues. Give them more information about why you need their help. Eg "my won't switch on - it was fine until I did a software update/dropped it down the loo/put it in the washing machine. Would you mind having a look?"

Another thing that is always helpful when making friends is an ability to laugh at yourself. Being self-deprecating doesn't go amiss, either ("my phone appears not to want to switch on, though it's possible that I'm just being dense". Crap example, but you get the idea).

But the main thing is smile, make eye contact, and say something.

I sometimes feel like this. I am always very keen and open to start new connections and make a 'friend' but feel like other then the pleasantries people are less interested in pursuing a conversation with me then others.

I think it's a few things, maybe a bit of social awkwardness or eagerness can make people step back then on a shallow or superficial note perhaps being not attractive enough or too attractive can also alienate you from people too.

I know people hate it when one does this but people disliking you or reacting badly to you could be because you're on the autism spectrum, as you'll give off "off" or uncanny valley vibes.
Source: autistic me.

From a complete outsider perspective based solely on what you have said, it sounds like you possibly have difficulty reading social cues. I could be way off, but it might be that the times when you have tried to initiate coversation and been ignored were not the right people or the right attempts at the right time. It really doesn't help I know.

For what it's worth, you come across fine on here!

I wonder if you had a couple of bad experiences and have now become so self conscious that you are more focussed on how people respond to you than being at ease and they are picking up on that.

I would agree with the PP that you may have killed the mood in the phone shop by being serious and straight to business.

If you are at ease with yourself and friendly to others and another person is cold with you then treat it lightly and shrug it off, it's their problem not yours.

This was exactly my thought too. From another autistic. The nts really can spot us a Mile off

Took longer than I expected!

Took longer than I expected!

Fair enough, I normally hate in when people jump in with the armchair diagnoses for every bit of odd or shit behaviour, but this particular one always pings my radar.

It had to happen sooner or later

@Ilovebountybars

Tips. You open the shop door. You smile a huge smile, you meet the person's eye, you say hello [insert: what a lovely spring day or gosh it's chilly, you look busy, having a quiet moment, oh that coffee smells nice). A brief exchange about Jack shit.

Please can I have a small.loaf and box of doughnuts - which doughnuts do you recommend - fattening but so yummy who cares. Or would you have time to cut a key for me today (my neighbour says you are the best - you don't know your neighbour but flattery pays).

Oh that's marvellous, thank you so much. Are you doing anything nice when you finish? See you soon, take care. Tinkly laugh. And the next time you go in the shop, they will be pleased to see you.

It's all part of the dance op. Nobody means it but it makes things pleasant and helps with friendly engagement.

I had this, I remember when someone would actually be kind to me, i'd cry afterwards because it was so rare.

I have a bit of a hard shell because of all of my negative experiences with people.

However i'm also told that i'm really nice and i'm good at making friends when I have to. I haven't got rid of my hard shell tbh, but when I know that people i'm with are kind, i'm very relaxed then.

I really feel like people broke me so I kind of avoid interacting with strangers 🤷‍♀️

I have also wondered whether I could be autistic or Asperger's. I have never been tested but it could be the reason I struggle with the social interactions and making friends.

Are you comfortable making eye contact with people? That’s the first split second of contact with someone in an interaction so if that goes wrong it can set the whole tone.

Thank you those are good tips

OP, you mentioned a counsellor who said it is a shame you have no friends because you seem really nice.

What else happened with that counsellor? I am asking because I don’t think this comment was very helpful or professional. A counsellor’s role is to help you solve your problems, not just to commiserate with you.
Did the counsellor work with you on this? Or offer to?

FWIW I also think you sound nice.

I think people are so finely attuned to “different” they can sniff out a neurodivergent person at fifty paces. Do you think that could be you? I didn’t know I was autistic five years ago but I did know that people just didn’t warm to me.

This sounds incredibly paranoid - are you sure you're not projecting your feelings on to other people? I wonder what you would think if you saw yourself on film interacting with others? My guess is you have a very cold and negative aura.

My counselor didn't really try to help me to make friends but I think that she didn't understand why I couldn't make friends as I was. She was mostly sympathetic about my situation

I think this reply wins as most unpleasant and unhelpful response ever 🤣

Do you expect others to be friendly to you without you being friendly to them?

Sorry if that is crude - I don’t always get social interaction right - but have learnt that you get what you put in so to speak. Good luck, you sound a nice person.

I think this reply wins as most unpleasant and unhelpful response ever

It's Olympic gold medal level!

Perhaps finding a counsellor who is used to working with neurodiverse people may help, my dd has someone like that. Even if you haven't been tested, getting some support around social skills will help.

I have a couple of tips for you for starters. I wouldn't try to be an entirely different person at this stage, but just start very small. Every time you encounter someone in a shop or on the bus or in a situation where you need something over the next few days, practice saying 'hi' and smiling at them when you go up to the counter or get on the bus. Then as you go off again, say 'thank you' and smile again. Just getting used to smiling in these social interactions will help. I wouldn't jump in with huge long conversational repertoires at this stage.

The second is that people aren't being unfriendly, they are being normal. Usually, people don't chat to everyone who comes in their shop. They chat to the ones who are the most friendly. So it's not a question of that person being cold to you, in fact, they matched you and your tone which was factual and non-smiling. The problem is you are over-attributing their behaviour to dislike when in fact they are being quite normal and responding to you. They might think you dislike them- do you? If not, it's very unlikely they aren't friendly to you, more they are just responding to you in the way you approached them.

I would start very small and get someone to talk with (a counsellor) about improving social skills and finding places to make friends- through hobbies or interests. I have met interesting people through Meetup hobbies (including those who are neurodiverse), it tends to be an accepting place where anyone who is interested in the topic/hobby is welcome.

I definitely think that I might be neurodivergent. I just looked at some symptoms and I have some of them such as clumsiness, struggling with social situations, being on a crowded train or in a lift with others makes me uncomfortable too.

I read it and wondered about possible autism too as I relate.

I've trained myself into faking that warm persona when I need it OP, and you could too, neurodiverse or not - but it's not quite the same as it being innate.

If you're interested, you can download the Cambridge autism test pdf here and the scoring key pdf too: www.autismresearchcentre.com/tests/autism-spectrum-quotient-aq-adult/.

If you did seek a diagnosis, this is often the first gateway test they do.

My Mum is in her 80s and struggles with her mobility. Every time she goes out, she comes back and tells me how kind strangers are to her, helping her with steps, and heavy bags, and finding her seat if she feels wobbly.She chats to shop assistants, to people in queues , to babies, to everyone.
I have another family member who can walk into a bar anywhere in the world and within a few hours will have people offering to put him up and show him around. I don't know how he does it, he's not a brilliant conversationalist, but he's very interested in other people's lives and enthusiasms.
I'm not like either of them, I really have to push myself, but I do know that being smiley and interested goes a long way!