To ask why people are so unfriendly towards me?

[Ilovebountybars]

People have always been very unfriendly, cold, and standoffish towards me.
I don't have any friends and I have never really had a group of friends. No one makes an effort to speak to me and in the past when I made an effort with people they weren't interested in becoming friends with me.

I see other people make friends and I watch how people interact with others and often they are very friendly and warm towards them. But with me, they are the total opposite.

For example, I went into a shop yesterday to get my phone fixed and the man working in the shop was laughing and joking with the previous customer, but when I told him about my phone he was very curt and cold towards me. I have no clue why. I recently watched the movie we need to talk about Kevin. People treat me exactly like they treat Eva, but in my case I have no clue why it is.

Has anyone ever seen anything like what I am describing? Has anyone got an idea of why people are like that towards me? Sorry this was so long but I really need some help/advice.

Are you neurodivergent. Apparently it's documented that Ntypical people often automatically are less friendly to autistic people etc because they can sense something 'different'. So could it be that?

I really don't think there is any need to give the OP a complex like this tbh. Dh is autistic and everyone responds well to him, he is smiley and open and friendly. My 16yo ds is autistic and also receives a good reception, he is really polite and sincere and a bit bumbly. He walked into a music shop not long ago to buy guitar strings and came out with guitar strings and an offer of work experience.

In the situation that the OP describes she did absolutely nothing friendly and open, people will mirror that back as she found out. It is perfectly possible to be autistic and receive a good reception but of course it isn't automatically going to happen if you don't show any signs that you want it to.

I would concentrate on addressing your confidence and self esteem before doing anything else.

I used to be so shy and socially awkward and I think even strangers picked up on it. My body language said much more than I did verbally!

I think it comes down to how you come across. You didn't smile at the phone guy and went straight to the issue, why wouldn't he be the same with you? You can't say because someone previously treated you a particular way, then every other situation would be the same. I'm not from this country and it's very typical when someone greets you, you ask them back how are they doing. I have found this to be the biggest opener for me and it's just something ingrained for me. So 'you alright' - me: great thanks, and how are you? Mostly people are shocked lol but almost always they are pleasantly surprised and conversation just flows.

Sorry haven't read all posts but my first thought OP was your story reminded me of a colleague. Everywhere she went she would say people were rude to her but I would go to the same shop/café and find the opposite. The issue was with her appearance and I wish someone sat her down to explain. People make immediate judgements, it's a fact. This girl was fairly tall broad shouldered and always wore black polo necks. She had strong features and a naturally serious face but always pulled her hair back into a severe ponytail when wet. The effect was very ms Trunchbull and quite scary. New employees were terrified of her. And she never smiled. It was such a shame cos she was a lovely caring person under it. On the occasions we went out the different clothes and hair style changed her completely. It's shallow but that's the way people are. Also a smile will work wonders, fake it til you make it

I dunno whether this helps or not but I work in a job with customers and can usually tell if someone is going to shout/complain etc

So it might be like that?

For instance

Customer comes on the phone and says nothing except bark "SALES" or their account number at me
Me inwardly "oh it's going to be one of those calls"

Customers comes on the phone "hi am I through to sales?"
Me "phew"

@Gwenhwyfar I agree, there's no hard and fast rule on when to smile and that's one difficulty of teaching social norms because they are finely judged. I also agree not smiling or having open body language is something women do have to do sometimes so as not to have all and sundry chatting to them. It's complex and that's why I think the suggestion of seeing a psychologist who would help with this (as well as think through diagnoses and put you on the right path) is the best suggestion on the thread.

are u on social media?
if so who are ur friends on this?
or maybe join groups from there and as someeone else said. fake it till i make it. go to everything u fancy and talk, speak to people and smile!

i also dont have many friends but i like it that way. used to be in a huge group but i slowly over the years found myself less and less not having things in common etc. growing apart. i still have friends but not many do i actually do things with. i also have work friends which took me many years to build up a friendship with, and we actually laugh now at how they thot i was not approachable, and i have a "resting bitch face"
lastly don't look at others. i know best pals who bitch about each other when theirs backs are turned, and pals who just use each other for certain activities. all is not what it's seems. just be u and see how things go

I'm not on any social media. I am only on LinkedIn but that doesn't really count as social media.

I understand what you mean.

I am friendly but my husband is super friendly and is received much better than I am.

For us the main difference is confidence. I try to be friendly and care what people think. I therefore think I friendly but somewhat awkward and reserved.
He doesn't care how he is perceived, is friendly and confident.

How is your confidence?

Op how was your upbringing. Were your parent/guardians sociable. Did they have friends, encourage you to join?

social skills are learned, either from a young age or by mimic, watching and repeating, as an adult. It is not something we are gifted. Just like self confidence, and strong self esteem, a sense of kindness, and empathy, a curiosity about others, a desire to treat others as we wish to be treated. Which are more inherent.

what did you learn growing up?

This is it, I think. People are usually lovely to me while out and about. I don’t go in all OTT gregarious, and I’m a very average-looking middle-aged woman, but I am comfortable making eye contact, I’m reasonably ready to smile … and I genuinely am interested in people, so I pay attention to them/their behaviour/their cute babies, and often end up having nice little mini-interactions without particularly trying very hard.

There was a period of my life when I was really low and I wasn’t like this for a year or two. During that time, there was a definite difference in how people responded to me. But I only noticed it looking back, when I was kind of my usual self again.

Following

As an American the first time went France at about 16 yo. My teacher took me and my friend aside and said I don’t normally do this but you two are going to have a problem. She taught us to swear in French and told us to wear sunglasses most of the time. She said the eye contact we were used to was going to be a problem + the fact we were very self assured and outgoing (even on the American scale).

She was correct in her assessment. And the swearing came in handy with some of the more persistent guys.

They are also very introverted. They are more sociable than me though. They had some friends. They are also very confused as to why I could never make friends.

Those are exactly what my autistic daughter is into. She’s trying to watch every film she can and has a notes app listing all the films she’s seen.

OP, not sure if this is a helpful suggestion or a bit obvious, but in addition to the other things mentioned, have you thought of making connections online? I have several online groups I'm a part of and a lot of my friends are the same- they have face-to-face friends and they also have online friends from hobby/interest groups. Do you use Facebook or Twitter or join chat boards (other than Mumsnet)- what about those for films, or for reading (e.g. reading clubs). Just a thought, a lot of neurodivergent and non-ND people enjoy connecting over interests in this way and it's less full on in terms of social skills than real-life encounters.