To ask why people are so unfriendly towards me?

[Ilovebountybars]

People have always been very unfriendly, cold, and standoffish towards me.
I don't have any friends and I have never really had a group of friends. No one makes an effort to speak to me and in the past when I made an effort with people they weren't interested in becoming friends with me.

I see other people make friends and I watch how people interact with others and often they are very friendly and warm towards them. But with me, they are the total opposite.

For example, I went into a shop yesterday to get my phone fixed and the man working in the shop was laughing and joking with the previous customer, but when I told him about my phone he was very curt and cold towards me. I have no clue why. I recently watched the movie we need to talk about Kevin. People treat me exactly like they treat Eva, but in my case I have no clue why it is.

Has anyone ever seen anything like what I am describing? Has anyone got an idea of why people are like that towards me? Sorry this was so long but I really need some help/advice.

I think you have to remember that being socially confident is (for most people) an acquired art. It doesn’t come naturally to most people, it is learned. If your parents were socially confident you will learn earlier etc but most people don’t automatically know how to do it.

I was very socially awkward when I was younger and felt very much as you did but I forced myself to get better and I am now quite good at it.

The most important thing, as PPs have said, is to be (or imitate) the person you want to interact with. If you don’t smile at someone they are unlikely to smile back. Smiling (even if it’s fake) goes an incredibly long way. It’s basically universal code for “I come in peace.”

Some people find small talk very difficult and unnatural but a little bit of chat does also go along way to signal that you are friendly. Anyone working in retail will know that it’s part of their job description to at least be cordial to customers so retail is probably a good way to start practicing because you are unlikely to be met by hostility.

Another thing to work on is your own sense of self worth. If you meet someone who is rude or surly it’s easy to be derailed by this and internalise it. You need to detach and develop a sense of “I don’t give a shit.” No one is liked by everyone and there will always be people who don’t warm to you. You can’t control that so it’s important not to let that knock you off course.

It’s mainly about developing a sense of doing your own public relations. Presenting yourself in the best possible light to give yourself the best chance in these interactions. You don’t have to make everyone your best friend and you don’t have to have sparkling conversation. And remember listening is often the best way to do this if you feel insecure. You just have to not let yourself down. It will feel uncomfortable and unnatural to start with, possibly quite tiring. But it will quickly become second nature.

Maybe you need a bit of guidance with the rules of conversation. There's a middle ground though. Stay true to yourself and don't be too false. That will just lead to disappointment all round.
Oops should have been bold.
if you find that you have autism/adhd it can be a great relief. You aren’t miserable/unfriendly/ snooty or anything else wrong with you. You are you, not the smiley, inane chatty, friendly creatures described above you are you - and possibly have conversations about what interest you eg ‘so are lots of this type of phone having this problem’, ‘which is the best phone for the money’, etc
Imv that’s the best thing about a diagnosis -there’s nothing wrong with you. You are you and can get on with it without comparing to others.

What an absolutely rude and unpleasant comment @ICMB for someone saying to the world sadly that they've never been able to make friends. You're being a right charmer across mumsnet at the moment.

Op, first I am definitely not “ victim blaming” in what I’ll say. I’m sorry you’re in this situation and it is definitely appalling for you.

imhe, it does sound like this issue is more to do with how you initiate social interactions. And that You need some help with this specifically

it is unusual to not make friends at uni and this is something that should alert you to needing some help to sort this. It sounds like you’re still quite young , so you need to get on top of this to reach your full potential in life.

we are social beings. It is hard wired into our psyche. Trust is the glue that makes that work. We use “ thin” trust daily when meeting random strangers or just in our expectations of dealing with others. Over time, as you have more interactions with that person thin trust develops into the thick trust between friends and close social relationships. But trust is reciprocal- we are very tuned to pick up signals that someone doesn’t trust us, and in turn we don’t trust them, we hold back to ensure we protect ourselves etc. and that leads to a downward spiral of disconnection with the other person

all humans have a need to be socially accepted ( with exceptions of specific mental conditions). We are hard wired to be accepted and trusted ( thin trust) from the moment we meet someone

small signals are important to ensure the other person knows you trust them by default. A smile, eye contact, mirroring their body language, and that’s even before you get into talking.

what you wear, what you look like will have very little to do with such a widespread persistent problem. Ok, they’re a few prejudice people out there that are rude to people that look “ different” ( weight, colour, disability etc) , but you’re not talking about a small number of bad encounters we all have. Forget what you look like - it ain’t that.

so 2 things I think you need some help with

1. The fact you’ve been able to switch off those signals that are inate to us to make those social connections- like stopping smiling. Smiles are contagious for a reason and that’s a hard thing to stop. That’s a concern really.
2. you are going into interactions from the get go with distrust and beliefs that you cannot connect . As I said, trust is reciprocal, people will pick up on that and in some ways will be afraid, they’ll be asking themselves same thing “ why is this person so standoffish / cold/ reserved with me” and will mirror back

I would be looking at help from a qualified psychologist ( NOT a counsellor) to look at these behaviours you’ve developed, and why. Then work with you to overcome them

I found working for a few years in retail really boosted my social skills and confidence (wouldn't recommend you necessarily take this step!). Dealing with rude customers, nice customers - same with colleagues, some nice and some difficult - lots of workplace banter, jokes and innane chat - helped alot! Agree with others that building connections is alot about just chatting shit at first with interested look on your face. When I go home - I am not that person at all and will tell my DH or DC when I'm bored with the conversation!

I think you get what you give. If you don't smile and set the friendly tone you can't expect others to always do it. Sounds like you walked in and was very formal so the shop keeper mirrored your stand offish manner.

I've recently been moved to a different place at work so now the contrast between how people are with my colleagues and how they are with me is much clearer. One thing is just how long some people have known each other. I have colleagues who've known each other for 25 years and know each other's children. I can never compete with that.

The other is what people are talking about here. How open you are, how much you smile at other people. I'm a bit shy so I can't do that. It's also not in my interests too become like that because I actually need that little bit of self-protection and there are times, like early in the morning, when I'm just not ready for small talk with people I don't know so well.
I don't think we can all be extraverts and there's no need to force ourselves to be something we're not. I want to get to know people, but maybe it has to be on my own speed.

A couple of people have said- why change? If you are not a smily person, don't smile.

I think there's a few reasons why it's worth at least being able to smile if you want to- in our culture, this is normal behaviour, it's a social norm to look at least pleasant when asking for something. It's stronger in the US where the culture of 'have a nice day' is even more prevalent. In some cultures, like where my husband is from, this is not the case, or at least it did not use to be. If you walked into a bank in that culture smiling, then the counter-clark would just stare at you. Smiling all the time is seen as inauthentic. I have noticed though that the young people in that culture, serving at restaurants and doing service jobs, have adapted to the US/UK smiling culture over time, probably as they have seen it in films, have learned English and have adopted these social norms.

I don't think that practicing smiling will solve all your problems either, but I do think if you fall out of the habit of having contact with people, it can be very hard to start up again. So, practicing in small, non-important ways might pay off. Very few people want to have friends who don't smile at them or show they enjoy their company in other ways, such as enthusiasm or engagement.

I disagree that you are not funny, your Vladimir putun comment upthread really made me laugh.
Don't be so hard on yourself and smile!!

Have you tried therapy? I think if it was everyone else who had the problem, I'd be looking at myself to see what I could do differently. That sounds like I'm blaming you for something, OP. I promise you I'm not. But I'd find it unnerving if everyone else seemed not to take to me, and I'd want to explore that. I wonder also if this is the reaction you have come to expect from others, and it almost becomes like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Also, how old are you? I'm late 40s and although people are generally polite and friendly towards me - as am I to them - I definitely feel more invisible than I used to.

Last week I took my children to their swimming lessons. The pool is local, and I’m there every week, so I know loads of people, our kids go to school together, parents of my friend’s kids.
then this man came up to me, held out his hand for me to shake, and started asking me questions, then wanting to shake my 5 year old’s hand. Didn’t know this man, never seen him before,

completely inappropriate and overfamiliar to the point it made me uncomfortable. I said no thank you, I don’t want to shake hands and neither does my child, and turned away from him.
he would have seen me laugh and joke and have a conversation with loads of people, then probably perceived that I was very standoffish with him.
but the point is… he didn’t read the situation correctly, and made me uncomfortable.
so maybe you come across as standoffish, not smiling, uninterested, or maybe you are reading the situation incorrectly (eg too eager, or overfamiliar). It’s a very fine line, but it can be practiced.

Being nice has nothing to do with having friends, it doesn’t mean be nasty obviously. What people really like is a good yarn spinner. So the poster upthread who said her DH can say something and people react well when if another person said it the reaction would be different, it’s partly about that.

If you are nervous people do pick up on that and it can unfortunately make them uncomfortable. DH describes me as a social chameleon. I can tell a story to anyone and what I can find is a common connection to discuss. I can only do that because I am good at reading people. DS is the same as was my Mother and my many sisters, though my awful sister has exploited people using what is sort of a gift, I sometimes wonder if it’s a genetic or learned trait

If you are neurodivergent you may find it really hard to read people, consider some assistance in pursuing a diagnosis. Though really what you actually need is what do you do with this diagnosis. Maybe there is something online that can help people to learn social cues. When I was working two staff members were diagnosed with autism, this is academia. People did dodge them quite a bit on the social side, I didn’t and because they knew I didn’t judge them they were more comfortable so their traits were less obvious. In an inaugural lecture of the new head of dept one of them got overwhelmed and to be honest I felt privileged he felt he could confide in me and I said just leave no one will mind. The guy used to have to fiddle with a small object all the time, if it made him feel better what did I care. He was an absolute genius and made the rest of us seem like ants.

Check your facial expressions in a mirror. It might feel to you as though you are smiling but maybe it needs to be a bit exaggerated. You'll need to practice so you get used to what feels right for a smile.

People generally make a snap judgment about another person in a few seconds. It's not fair but it's how people are.

So smile, eye contact, if you are interacting for a while with someone, ask their name. Thank them by name when you finish.

Honestly it makes a difference.

A friend of mine has what she describes as 'resting bitch face' lol. She has to overcome this every day otherwise she gets the same reaction you are getting.

I have had a look of some of the symptoms of autism and Asperger's in girls. I match with some of the symptoms. My interests are shopping I am very much into fashion, reading, and watching films.

That's interesting because I have done or said the wrong thing which other people pointed out as rude. I didn't even realise I was being rude. I am not sure whether it is because of lack of social skills because I have never had any friends or whether it is autism or something like that.

I think it is how you approach people - start off smiley and friendly and see how it goes. I am let’s say not blessed in the looks dept but have a nice smile, which goes a long way. Once you know people you can let your guard down more.
At work I’m very friendly to ensure good working relationships even if I’m annoyed with someone, by the time we’ve finished a conversation things are fine. I can tell the other person is doing that too!!
I’m not a naturally warm person, I just haven’t got that persona, but I am interested in people and like making friends. The people I’m attracted to as friends are those who are friendly and interesting and usually w a similar outlook/sense of humour. I don’t even go for ‘mega friendly’ people as I find that a bit fake or overbearing!!
I couldn't care less about a shop interaction- if I’m in the mood I’ll be friendly, if not I’ll conduct business neutrally.

How did you meet your DH and what was different about it ?

Please don't automatically assume you're autistic because some MNers have brought it up.

"I have done or said the wrong thing which other people pointed out as rude. I didn't even realise I was being rude."

I've done that too because I'm blunt. However, I have a Dutch friend so I'm never the bluntest person around :)

"I couldn't care less about a shop interaction- if I’m in the mood I’ll be friendly, if not I’ll conduct business neutrally."

Yes, I don't really give a damn what a shop assistant thinks of me, with the exception of places I go often.

If you see someone and you think they’re nice, do you ask to swap numbers and arrange to meet for coffee? Ask how they are, smile, try and be nice.

"It's stronger in the US where the culture of 'have a nice day' is even more prevalent. "

I know two north American women, one US, the other Canadian who get into trouble with strange men because of their constant smiling. I'm not trying to victim blame, but sometimes being too smiley can contravene social norms.

I don't think anyone should be made to smile more than they're comfortable with. I think some of us can't cope with too much attention from strangers anyway and a resting bitch face provides a bit of a safety barrier.

Oh God, I could never do that! The rejection would be too much. I have a few friends, but they've all been made gradually.
I'm also reminded of the thread where a woman had asked another woman to go for a coffee and been told 'I'm not a lesbian'. I think quite often you don't make individual plans with people until you're already in a group of friends.

There are lots of us anti social unsmiley people around. We would probably get on fine. But we wouldn't meet because well, the above.