To ask why people are so unfriendly towards me?

[Ilovebountybars]

People have always been very unfriendly, cold, and standoffish towards me.
I don't have any friends and I have never really had a group of friends. No one makes an effort to speak to me and in the past when I made an effort with people they weren't interested in becoming friends with me.

I see other people make friends and I watch how people interact with others and often they are very friendly and warm towards them. But with me, they are the total opposite.

For example, I went into a shop yesterday to get my phone fixed and the man working in the shop was laughing and joking with the previous customer, but when I told him about my phone he was very curt and cold towards me. I have no clue why. I recently watched the movie we need to talk about Kevin. People treat me exactly like they treat Eva, but in my case I have no clue why it is.

Has anyone ever seen anything like what I am describing? Has anyone got an idea of why people are like that towards me? Sorry this was so long but I really need some help/advice.

I've always struggled. Never had a best friend. Recently diagnosed with ADHD. Doing better on the medication - very strange.

I can somewhat relate and may have to steal some of these tips! I always had lots of friends at school /university/work. But in the past 10 years or so/since I moved to my current area I'm starting to think there's something "wrong" with me - I simply can't get anyone to talk to me 😆 even when things start out normal, people seem to close down really quickly and stop the conversation or look at me strangely. Well I perceive it as strangely anyway -could be paranoia at this point but there's nothing outwardly "different" about me so I have no idea what it is I'm doing that seems to put them off but it's really knocked my confidence so I sympathise OP. I'm clearly in no position to give advice but shall be following along to see if anyone else has words of wisdom.

I'd say it's a combination of things. The first one being that you're not friendly yourself. Consider your interaction with the phone tech. What did you do to be friendly towards him?
I've heard people say on MN that they think someone dislikes them. Often they don't dislike you they just dont like you either, a sort of neutral. Not like and dislike are different. It sounds like thats the vibes you send out. You cant understand why people dont take to you because youre not unfriendly, yet you're not friendly either. You did nothing towards this tech to be 'friendly' and he did nothing back.
Also being liked isn't just about doing 'nice' things. People are naturally drawn to funny or interesting people, and to positive people.
Are you ND? If so a little tip is that it's OK to tell white lies too. Don't go OTT but when your turn to be served came you could have opened with a positive smile as the other person left and said 'Another satisfied customer. My friend recommended I came here for good service'. Maybe you need a bit of guidance with the rules of conversation. There's a middle ground though. Stay true to yourself and don't be too false. That will just lead to disappointment all round.

I am the same as you. I have managed over my life to adapt my personality based on the person I'm speaking with. Only way I have coped!

Thanks for linking the test, very interesting.

I have long suspected I need an assessment (I'm a 30yo F). I just scored 34/50, there isn't a table for results so I have no idea what that means.

I have always thought that my GP will just try to fob me off if I ask about it.

It's very interesting isn't it!

Anything over 26 is a possible sign that you might be diagnosable - though of course that process goes into a lot more detail of course. As with anything you could answer these questions differently on different days or moods or two people could read them completely differently, so it's really just a conversation starter.

You can read more about the screener (and it's inevitable limits) here: embrace-autism.com/autism-spectrum-quotient/

In my case I was struggling so badly that I put together a list of reasons why I thought I might be autistic and how it was affecting me at work and begged GP for a referral. It then took a year to be assessed.

The self-understanding it's given me and workplace adjustments it's allowed have been invaluable.

Some of the most likeable people I know are quite smiley, they focus on you during a conversation and ask questions about the person they are talking to. I have social anxiety which results in my babbling about myself, it’s painful and I’m trying to undo it.

Some random bloke in a shop though really doesn’t matter either way. I suspect he knew the previous customer. If I took my phone in to get it fixed then I’d just want them to talk to me about that.

Rather than trying to change who you are I reckon find friends you have something in common with or through groups set up for social purposes. I only make friends these days through cycling club, as work is more remote. Running clubs seem a lot more sociable than cycling from the outside (but I’m not into that). Walking groups are also meant to be really good.

I’ve never made friends at the school gates, in the pub or with the bloke in the mobile phone shop though.

This sounds a bit freaky to me, insincere and in your face. But the point is I guess, each to their own. Some people probably love it. Can't please all the people all the time OP!

It is an old fashioned book but 'how to make friends and influence people' does have sensible advice for this kind of thing. A lot of it is little things that you can get into the habit of.

Do you feel anxious in social situations? That can also come across as cold.

i am sorry you have found friendships hard. I think you have had good suggestions here and think there are friends out there but you have to look in the right places. You need to find other people who struggles bit - you need neurodivergents and geeks as you are more likely to get each other. Have a research online, on meet, locally and see where your interests could take you. One of my sons was always more likely to find his friends at Games workshop than the footy team - you need similar adult hobbies. What are you into? What could you enjoy? Locally to me it would be the archery club and the history society where being a big socially awkward would be very typical.

Sales Assistants in shops often respond in the way they are approached. If you just said hello and then got straight down to business, it is unlikely he'd be smiley and chatty with you as he'd take his cue from your behaviour. If you smiled, said hello how are you today etc that sets the situation up for a very different exchange.

Baby steps OP.

every human interaction you can use for practice. Even the bus driver as you get a ticket “Monday again” - smile…

I like winning over the grumpy ones like the lady I get me tea from. I now know the name of her grandson and she greets me like an old friend

why do I do this? I am a bit needy and like it when people are happy to see me. I like meeting new people. I’m interested in people.

i think volunteering can be great for increasing confidence if this is an option

Unless I make a massive conscious effort with mannerisms and facial expressions, tone, small talk I come across as either actively unfriendly or weird. I have to go what I consider to be way over the top with all of it just to come across 'normal'. My best friend believed that I hated her for the first 6 months that we worked together, obviously I didn't but that's just the kind of impression people get from me.

In your situation, I would read upon autism, look at YouTube videos about it. Find out about women’s experience of it. Find a fairly current ASD checklist and tick off your traits. Take it to your GP and ask for assessment.
Its ok for you to be different. You don’t need to be a person that makes the person in the shop smile. You should feel free to interact the way that suits you.
You need to find your people, maybe people who share the exact same interests you have, either in person or online. What does interest you, if you don’t mind me asking?

Op being in a crowded place makes everyone uncomfortable. Just for context. No one loves it.

the fact you went in cold is possibly the reason for his reaction . To show how I do it and get friendly responses, I smile say hi there, can you help me please, I’ve a real problem with my phone . And people respond in kind.

you seem to think you can be cold as you’ve “given up.” But expect others to react like you’re playing nice. In my experience if you open an interaction folks react in kind.

If uou don’t behave in a warm and friendly manner then you cannot expect people to behave like that back to you.

I hate this, absolutely hate it, this baying need people have to diagnose someone from a few lines on the internet. Social anxiety is very common, it doesn’t mean you’re autistic.

I find it easy to make friends and get along with people easily, even people who are notoriously ‘difficult’.

I smile, I give people sincere compliments, I try to make the interactions I have at least neutral if not positive. I don’t assume that it’s me if people are a bit snippy, I assume they’re having a bad day and continue being pleasant. They mostly warm up.

I have a soft round smiley face and my husband has a sharp pointy epic resting bitch face. He is actually a much nicer and kinder person than me but finds it much harder to meet and make friends.

Do you know anyone who finds it easy? Maybe see what they do and try practising it?

I doubt very much that strangers are taking an instant dislike to you

Far more likely this is a combination of your social skills (yes, it's a skill and can be learned), confirmation bias (you expect to find people unfriendly) and self esteem (in the past, if I walked past people laughing, I always suspected they were laughing at me. People with higher self esteem don't think that way)

I agree with a PP. Start small and practise those skills. Next time you go into a shop, smile and say hello

@Ilovebountybars I'd say it's highly likely you are autistic.

My BIL was always paranoid people didn't like him and didn't understand their reactions. He was diagnosed in his 40s with autism.

It's probably worth reading some books on social interactions for those with autism and reading facial expressions.

Don't give up on the clubs. Pick something you really want to do and stick with it.

OP, people have different circles of relatedness.
There's your partner, family and maybe one or two best friends in the innermost circle. These are people you love and can be your most relaxed self with - farting out loud, for example!

Then there are other friends who you might go out with or visit with, people you like and who like you.

Then there are people you see regularly where it's important to maintain cordial relations with - for example, students on your course or in your building, work colleagues, your boyfriend's mum, maybe the postman if you get a lot of parcels, the guy in the corner shop you pop into most days for milk. Friends of friends would fall into this group too - say you go to a party or for dinner with your friend and her boyfriend who you haven't met before. People in this group are ripe for sliding into your friends group if they ask things like if you might want to go to an event.

Then there are business relationships, which are "professional" - you are friendly in the meeting, but you are all there for a particular reason and wouldn't be interacting otherwise. This circle has two rings really - regular business colleagues and one off business meetings. In my opinion a bit of small talk is more important in the former than the latter. But it depends on how focused on the piece of business you both are. For your example, your phone problem falls into this band. You and this man are not friends, he is being paid to do a job which is why he is interacting with you. He doesn't like or dislike you; if you go in businesslike he will respond businesslike. If you go in more open he will respond more open. He doesn't much care either way! You've already been given plenty of helpful advice on what to say for small talk.

Finally there are strangers. The world runs more smoothly if you have a pleasant neutral face and nod and smile if you catch someone's eye. These are people where there is no relationship - you are just passing through each others' lives. A person on a train with you or standing in the same lift would be an example. In general we Brits don't talk much to these people and you can appear a bit weird if you try to chat to someone in this category!

@Backtothegym the OP has explicitly said it's a possibility.

In terms of you "hating it" ... well, about six years ago I posted a list of things about myself on Mumsnet in despair asking why I was the way I was. A few kind posters suggested autism which I honestly had never thought about (and didn't think was common in women).

Without those replies I would still be leading a life of self loathing and confusion - I was suicidal and on my way to losing my job.

I agree the suggestion comes up a lot and I also see it inappropriately too ("my husband was rude" "is he autistic?") but then again I think autistic women are probably over represented in mumsnet compared to real life because the nature of a moderated online forum makes it an autism-friendly way to socialise.

Posted too soon there, I think a lot of us suggest it to others when we see signs or things that feel familiar, because it can be a transformative revelation.

Of COURSE social anxiety doesn't equal autism but along with everything else it can be one of many signs.

You sound exactly like my lovely daughter. She has been diagnosed with autism at nearly 31 years old and it's made all these little things make sense 🌸

At age 19, I had a bad case of resting bitch face, hence the constant encouragement to “cheer up luv, it might not happen,” from (mostly male) passers by. When I got so pissed off one day that I retorted “what if I want it to happen, then?” And got a belly laugh from the guy, I started laughing too, and we parted ways with a smile on both of our faces.
After that, I practiced smiling and thought through how to approach or walk past people, and the rbf-related cat-calling stopped.
Later, I got into fashion and makeup, and realised that how you present yourself is 90% of job done when you meet new people!
It’s worked for me for the last 40-something years, so it can be a habit that is learned, and makes life so much easier.
It might work for you too, OP - try it and see - it gets easier the more you practice.

My husband and SIL are on the spectrum. She is very businesslike in all interactions. She would see it that her phone has a problem, she wants it fixed and that's that. She can't do small talk and gives off ' here's the job, sort it out please' vibe. Not unpleasant but absolutely not ' I'm chatty, let's have a chat'. My husband was a business manager for a huge German engineering Company. He worked with lots of ( always) men who were just like him; efficient, factual, to the point, no flattery, no flummery. It was a high pressure environment. Since retiring he has had to learn a new way of being and he has found it hard. I am also retired and I am not going to live my life like an executive on an important project. I like people. I like chatting. I don't find standing in a queue behind an old person massively stressful. I may be that person one day and that cashier my be the only person who has noticed me all day. He has really had to train himself to calm down , to learn a different way of interacting because, unlike his sister, he does care about how he is perceived . He has face blindness too . It was easier at work because people always wore the same thing and they were in the expected place at the expected time. He's like the Queen with me as his assistant nowadays at social things. Oh look (husband) it's David,Susan,Steve.
If you smile Op it will get you a long way.