Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

[Rosieposey91]

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

I agree with this. I wouldn't expect a goodnight phone call and text from my husband if he was away for the night.

For me it would be less to do with the relationship with their mum, and more just thinking put your bloody phone down.

OP has he talked to you about this properly in the past? And if he did, what was your reaction? Did you agree to reduce the intrusion of your mother into your life with him, or did you tell him to jog on because you weren't prepared to change a thing?

I'm wondering if his sulking and lack of support is because he's reached the end of his tether, because he knows he's not your priority or even equal priority with your mother. He comes a very poor second.

If you don't have an honest discussion with him, and if you're not prepared to compromise (which it sounds like you're not) then I can see this at some point being the end of the road for him, whether you want it to be or not. Your only idea of sorting it out seems to be that he falls in with you.

Thank you, see replies like this I welcome. You have made some valid points and I will definitely make some compromises.

I think you mean some mothers and daughters have a closer relationship. I’ve got a much closer relationship with my mother-in-law than I ever had with my mother.

My sons and I are close, very close. We don’t feel the need to text each other when we go to sleep or when we wake up because that’s, quite frankly, ridiculous. Most grown adults manage to go about their day to day lives without doing that. You and your mum are suffocating each other. I feel sorry for your partner, any partner that you have, because he will always be second best and that’s not healthy.

I am prepared to compromise. I just wanted opinions on what to compromise. Most have said re when we are on a date night or watching a film to ignore my phone if it rings. I will do that. However I will send a text to say call you after. My partner would still be annoyed at that though.

So your Mum rings you to tell you she is going to bed and then you ring or text each other when you are actually in bed again?

Family is so important to me.

Family is very important to me too, as it is for most people. But I don’t have to interrupt spending time with my DP to say goodnight to my mum to show that she is important to me.

But if you text to say you'll call her later, you're not ignoring her call. You're still contacting her to say you're busy.

You say that you’re open to opinions but you clearly aren’t. You’re using the Eastender thing to shut down people who disagree with you.

Expecting a TV show to be paused every night so you can speak to your mum is really out of order. You’re essentially saying to your partner ‘me and mum mum saying goodnight is more important than your enjoyment of this thing we’re supposed to be doing together’ it’s really fucking rude.

I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who behaved as you are. My mum is from the Eastend but I’m not so that may render my opinion null and void though.

I feel his pain. My partner messages and rings his mum daily. Even after he's dropped her home after her visit to our house they are texting or fb messaging once he gets back home. Every morning around 7.30am the phone dings and it's a.fb message from her. Same thing happens when we are on holiday together, it can get a bit much to be honest. If.you are watching a film together and and she rings, why are you answering it? Just ring her back at the end or text to say you are busy x

I don’t agree. Most of my family and east end families are like that. We wouldn’t dream of not saying good night or good morning to eachother. It’s also good to know the other person is ok too.

I understand you wouldn’t do that with your sons, but daughters are different. I wouldn’t expect my son to want to text me good night and good morning but I know my daughter will most likely want to. It is a different relationship although I am equally as close to both my babies, a daughter is naturally more close to their mum in that way.

To you this is a small thing. To him this is a much bigger thing that has created a huge wedge and is getting bigger.

You can choose your mom over your marriage. You can even choose her over your kids. At the end of the day, if you don't want to change and it is really your mom that you need and want as an emotional partner in your life, you can do that but it will have consequences. Your kids are little now but they too will grow tired and frustrated with you pushing them side for your mother and your codependence and inability to separate from her. It is quite possible your children may want independence and won't want to continue ths familal enmeshment as they get older. Eventually your mom will be gone and you won't have cultivated any independence or other emotionally connected relationships. You really need to rethink your rigidity and refusal to consider change. That in itself should be a red flag to you.

Maybe it’s different because they are son’s but mums and daughters have a different relationship.

Also, this is bollocks

It sounds like you have a very codependent relationship with your mum. No disrespect intended, but you came here saying you're open to feedback and have then argued with the people who've said your relationship with your mum sounds like something much more intense than they could handle.

Clearly, you're happy with the situation and you're going to defend the way things are as you don't want them to change. I do understand why your partner is not happy, as it clearly makes him feel like you prioritise her over everything else. Maybe you do - but he's not OK with that.

His reactions are not fair or justified. He is sulking and acting like a child. It doesn't sound like you're very well suited to each other, honestly. A little more compromise on both sides would help a lot.

I would never have to chose my mother over my kids. My mum would not want me to and my children would not be annoyed at me speaking to my mum. Sorry you don’t get it but thanks all the same for trying to help

Your DD probably will do the same to you, solely because she's been conditioned that it's normal. Coz your eastenders and that's what all female family members do...apparently.

No!! I just send a text to say ‘in bed myself now, night’ she won’t reply as she is already asleep as had already said good night. This is getting twisted into more than it is!

Yes I wouldn’t just completely ignore my mum if I can see she is ringing me.

But why? You’ve already said goodnight to her, when she went to bed. Why do you need to say goodnight twice? Why does she need to know the exact time you go to bed?

I think that it’s lovely your partner and mum are like that. I wish my partner cared more for his parents!

What about if she calls when you’re in a work meeting? Or when you’re having sex? Do you just say ‘excuse me a minute, just need to answer my mum’?

So why on earth would you text it then?? And then ring her first thing to say good
morning?
That is not an Eastend thing! !!

I am honestly so close to saying something that will get me deleted because you are so bloody rude and offensive about the relationship between mothers and sons.

You and your mum might have a terribly, suffocating relationship but believe me, most women don’t behave like that. I have never text my mother, sister, mother in law, or anyone “goodnight” or “good morning” because it’s not necessary. My sons have their own partners to say goodnight and good morning to, as do I.

I very often wake up to a funny instagram story, that’s been sent when either of them have been on a night shift, but that’s it. We WhatsApp’s in normal hours and FaceTime. We don’t live in each other’s pockets because it’s not healthy. They’re independent people, which is how it should be.

It isn't getting twisted. You also said your mom will drive over in the middle of the night to comfort you if you are anxious becayse your partner doens't comfort or support your anxiety the way you want (the wayyour mom does). That is not normal.

You are getting defensive now and I get it. Your anxiety at the thought of decreasing or limiting any contact or setting boundaries is spiking and you are getting upset. You really should talk to a therapist.

And while you might think you can keep yoru relationship with your daughter very enmeshed and keep her codependent and needing you always - and the thought you might not be able to do that scares you - I hope for her sake she can break this very, very unhealthy cycle and be an emotionally healthier person than her mom and grndma.

You already have chosen your mom over your kids by being willing to let your codependence on your mom break your family apart and lead to your kids being in a non intact home just so you can stay enmeshed with yoyr mom and not change.

But I wouldn’t say you are that close then. As you don’t feel the need to say good night or good morning and check in on eachother. I would say you aren’t that close. Not in the way I see a close family. However to you , you are close. In the same way that to some families saying good night and good morning is the norm and is close and not too much.