Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

[Rosieposey91]

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

Completely agree with this. You only get one mum and if you're lucky enough to have a close relationship with her then sod him. Big red flag for me also. I'm close with mine and had similar issues with a jealous partner. I'll bet good money that he hasn't close relationship with his mum. He sounds controlling. He's not the only person in your life. I fact I'd make him no longer a person in your life. What a twat he is.

Sorry but your reply is irrelevant to me. You are clearly from a completely different culture / upbringing. So I do not care for your opinion. However my mum rang me to ask about a pair of shoes before she went out with friends, as that’s what mothers and daughters do :) she likes my opinion and I like hers. I’m very lucky to have a lovely close relationship with my mum. Sorry if you do not have the same. And again, I love saying good night to my mum every night and it really isn’t unhealthy. I could say the same to you that you don’t wish to say goodnight to your mum or you don’t speak to her for a few days. I simply couldn’t understand that.

I don't see this particular situation as abusive or controlling. Honestly it would drive me nuts. I can only imagine if you had written "my DH is super close with his mum, takes calls from her during films, and texts her every night to say goodnight" how many people would be calling him a mammy's boy etc etc.... Sorry to hear you aren't happy with him and know he is controlling in other areas. But in this case I don't think he is wrong to get frustrated with that level of co-dependency

Your relationship with your mother sounds dreadfully suffocating, and I can’t imagine how any relationship would survive it.

However, at the same time, your partner sounds bad tempered and you don’t really like him much do you?

If your relationship with your mother has been like this all along then perhaps your partner is not more supportive because he knows he's not your priority. I would be loathe to break up my children's family because of a codependent relationship with one of my parents.

You have listed several reasons, over and over your mum is anxious.

Why would you being busy make your mum sad? I am a single parent (have a dp but he doesn’t live with me), my mum died recently. Dad lives alone. I am delighted if he is busy and isn’t able to talk. If I call him, he calls me back at a time when he is free and vice versa.

The reason I say this relationship between your mum and you isn’t healthy, is because you are trying to make sure she isn’t anxious, isn’t lonely. You can’t ignore calls or tell her you are busy and have her accept that, because it might make her sad. Those are not expectations a parent should be putting on a child. Even an adult one. It’s become you trying to fill a void that you can’t for her.

I have an adult daughter. I have anxiety. I get lonely. No way would I interior time with her friends or partner, to feed my needs. That would be unfair. Your mother is using you as emotional crutch. Which is putting more pressure on you.

You say you do it because she won’t be here forever. You are right. She won’t. But have you thought about how you will cope when that times comes? It’s likely you will transfers that onto your own children and that’s not fair.

Totally agree with this. You have never severed the umbilical cord with your mum and that is not natural. Any relationship is going to suffer. While your partner comes across as controlling we are only hearing things from your point of view.

This would drive me bananas if my partner did this.

It’s a tough one. On a good day, he is lovely to be around, a fun caring dad and partner but he doesn’t deal with life very well. We think he is possibly Asperger’s and is waiting for an appt. He is very rigid with his opinions and thoughts etc. he doesn’t handle his emotions very well. So no, at times I really do not like him. But I do love him and I hope he can resolve the issues so that our family can work. I can see my closeness with my mum would affect lots of people on here. I’m still not sure that makes me want to change it, rather think maybe I should have stuck to someone from the same background as me. Family is so important to me.

how do you know I dint have the same ?? what I my posts gives you that opinion. I would have done similar with my mother if going out however it would have been a quick what's app photo instead of phone call. I also have a super close relationship to my mother in law which up to recently lived next door but I also work full time have busy life outside so I wouldn't have time to constantly ring people. you have put this up on a public forum asking for advice.people are going to give it weather you agree or like it or not. you also might not understand it too but that's what this is about honest advice

what quickly said good night to their parent? See I don’t get this. I wish my partner did do this to his parents. He hardly bothers with them.

Leaving aside your relationship with your mum and his reaction to it - in other matters he appears to be a right git. He is unpleasant and unsupportive when you or the dc are unwell, and he also has a temper, which he takes out on the children. Not a nice man in general then. Perhaps he is not the man for you.

I suspect that your rel with your mother is going to last a lot longer than the one with your partner

It was a whats app photo, my partner had the hump with that. It wasn’t a phone call :)

What makes you think I constantly ring my mum? I’m talking about maybe a few times a day , maybe some days just texts etc. you are reading too much in to that. I don’t mean to be rude but there are much more intelligent replies on here so your opinion I am really not fazed about. Some of the posters on here have got a point and have given me some food for thought. So I’m glad I asked the question.

I think you need to go and live with your mother full time.

There are ways to keep in contact that don't involve constant interruptions to everyday life.

I am in two minds as to who is the controller here, and I don't think it is the partner.

Yes. Which I am working out. I want to resolve things for my family. However if he cannot change his ways then unfortunately he is not the man for me. It’s so hard because I know he does love us and wants us to be happy and he knows he has a temper and issues. I know this issue with my mum is small but it’s his only issue he has with me. I really don’t want to change how I am with my mum so I guess we will just have to see what happens but I take on board the comments about during the film etc, sometimes I guess I am a people pleaser and would rather just answer my mum than text her to wait. To me, it only takes a moment and then we can carry on. I don’t see the big deal.

So having phone calls with your mother is interruptions to your life? I don’t get this.

I’ve got 2 grown up children, sons btw, who I’m very close to but if they started feeling the need to text me “goodnight” every night I’d be really concerned about them. It’s too much. And as for ringing and speaking several times a day? Why? No wonder your partner feels pushed out.

I can just imagine the replies on here about “mummy’s boys” if it was a bloke and his mum behaving like this.

I agree with the quoted poster. Your posts make me cringe. I would find it so incredibly unattractive for a partner to still be clinging to the teets this much.

You and your mother need some counselling on healthy relationships because no matter how much you try to dress it up, yours is not.

Your 'partner' sounds like a complete prick.

It's lovely that you're close with your mum and, yes, you probably do speak more than usual and are both quite worried about each other being ok, but so what, you're both happy and both seem to enjoy that level of contact.

Ditch the prick and find a nice man who is secure enough in himself to not feel threatened by your mother.

Out of interest, does your mother like him? Are your kids his?

I'd be interested to know if those people who say goodnight to their mum every night do it by both phone and text? That seems a little superfluous to me, I could understand feeling a little bit irritated that my partner had said goodnight over the phone to his mum and then felt that they had to text them AGAIN a few minutes later.

OP, you've said he is abusive. Is it the sulking etc over your relationship with your mum, or is it other stuff as well? I did ask earlier (but there have been a lot of posts since then) if he is ok with you spending time with work colleagues/friends/hobbies that don't involve him?

Each to their own, but personally I would not want to date someone who does what you do. If I am spending time with someone, e.g. watching a film together, I want them to prioritise that time with me. If the relative was very ill or in some difficulty, interruptions would be fine, but otherwise I would find it very frustrating.

Likewise, if my partner were visiting their parents, I wouldn't expect them to interrupt a film with their parents to say goodnight to me on the phone.

Maybe it’s different because they are son’s but mums and daughters have a different relationship.

I might ring her to tell her how well my daughter did at swimming. She might ring me to say her boss at work is being a twat again. Or we may text and not ring that day. Just normal things. Then at night, every night we always text eachother good night and that we love eachother. We also text once we wake up. I always know that she is ok and she does me. It has come in really handy in the past when my nan was unwell and my mum didn’t receive her normal good morning phone call. She went to my nans and she was unwell. So it saved her life. Being close isn’t always a bad thing. I think I will leave this thread there , I have had some helpful responses too. Thank you all

My mum is out tonight with friends. She just want to check in that I’m ok and I asked if she is having a good night. She then said will text when I’m in love you. My partner would be annoyed at that. But I love that she took the time out of her evening to think of me and call me. I am glad I am an eastender and actually this thread has made me realise that more than ever.

I think it's lovely that you have a close relationship with your Mum and that you check in with eachother etc. However I do think some boundaries wouldn't be a bad idea just to ease the situation with your partner especially when you are trying to have some time alone together. Your partners behaviour also doesn't sound fantastic and there are issues you obviously need to resolve with him but if you want the relationship to work with him then you both will need to compromise. The relationship you have with you Mum is precious and I understand why you feel strongly about keeping close to her but I also think that it wouldn't hurt to reduce the amount of contact down as it does also come across as you both being too reliant on eachother and to be honest you are both adults and need to learn how to cope with feelings of anxiety or lonliness without having to instantly run to eachother to resolve it everytime. There will come a day when your mother will no longer be around and you may end up really struggling to cope with situations alone because you never learnt how to deal with them on your own. For that reason I do think that you should both explore new ways of communicating with eachother that doesn't interfere with daily life with your partner and also just for yourself. I don't see anything wrong with a text goodnight I do think phonecalls to say goodnight are a bit too much. Maybe limit to one call a day in the early evenings to have a catch up on what you were up to that day? I'm sure you can figure out what works best for you anyway