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Original poster

Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

743 replies

Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 18:21

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

OP posts:
RightWhereYouLeftMe · 27/05/2023 23:23

I understand you wouldn’t do that with your sons, but daughters are different. I wouldn’t expect my son to want to text me good night and good morning but I know my daughter will most likely want to. It is a different relationship although I am equally as close to both my babies, a daughter is naturally more close to their mum in that way.

Well this is nonsense. What a weird generalisation to make. My relationship with my mum is fine, but DH is closer to his mum than I am to mine.

And you've given safety as part of the reason for doing this (your mum knew your Nan was unwell when she didn't text, making sure you're both ok out and about etc), why would you only put that on your daughter to be aware of whether you've texted or not.

penniesmakeshillingsandshillingsmakepounds · 27/05/2023 23:28

Sorry OP, that is codependent, suffocating and a little bit weird. I am an Eastender born and bred and NOBODY I know does this!! Batshit!

Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 23:28

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Bobshhh · 27/05/2023 23:32

You have an unhealthy relationship with your mum and your partner but you are so enmeshed with your mum you can’t see it.

It’s perfectly normal to have a close and supportive relationship with your mum without having that level of daily contact.

TheFairyCaravan · 27/05/2023 23:32

Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 23:22

But I wouldn’t say you are that close then. As you don’t feel the need to say good night or good morning and check in on eachother. I would say you aren’t that close. Not in the way I see a close family. However to you , you are close. In the same way that to some families saying good night and good morning is the norm and is close and not too much.

Show quote history

Well I wouldn’t say your relationship with your mother is close. I’d say it’s suffocating, incredibly unhealthy and both of you need some counselling so you can learn to be less dependent on each other.

Purplepaperpeople · 27/05/2023 23:32

It sounds like you feel highly responsible for your Mum and her feelings and the lines and boundaries of what is reasonable contact within the relationship has become blurred. I can relate I am an only child and very close and protective of my mother. However I only have so many hours in the day and with two young children, work and a partner as well as keeping a home and maintaining contact with others, I simply don’t have the time. I still have frequent contact but it has reduced proportionally with the other responsibilities that have come up in life. I think your partner has a point and can understand his frustration. If I were him I would feel unimportant and not a priority. You mentioned him possibly being on the spectrum but you also seem very rigid and firm that you will not make any changes and don’t seem to understand how it would possibly make your partner feel

MysteryBelle · 27/05/2023 23:33

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Original poster
Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 23:35

DanceMonster · 27/05/2023 23:20

What about if she calls when you’re in a work meeting? Or when you’re having sex? Do you just say ‘excuse me a minute, just need to answer my mum’?

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I wouldn’t see it was ringing then obviously

OP posts:
Wexone · 27/05/2023 23:36

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no need to be rude and call people names. there is no need for that
you should apologise to @Freefall212

Redrunnynose · 27/05/2023 23:36

I'm a mum and a daughter. I speak to my mum everyday and txt her once or twice. I also message my daughter quite a few times a day and may call her if I'm driving in the car. We don't find it suffocating, I love them and we talk about our day. However I do find PPs partner controlling and childish, imagine getting annoyed about a 2 second txt saying goodnight. PP has a serious illness, as a mum i'd be worried too. OK, being interrupted while watching a film can be irritating but goodness it's only for a few minutes. Maybe put in some boundaries and say only txt me as I'm watching a film. Honestly I see nothing wrong in it but the partner sounds like an controlling arse.

penniesmakeshillingsandshillingsmakepounds · 27/05/2023 23:38

Ring ring…. Hello Mum!
Just saying goodnight daughter!
Goodnight Mum!
Bye Daughter
Bye Mum

15 mins later

Hi Mum
just texting to tell you I am now in bed so goodnight again, I know you are asleep but I will send you this text for absolutely no reason. Ohh and I will ring you first thing in the morn to make sure you have not spontaneously combusted during the night. Looking forward to our 23 phone calls tomorrow! Night night again. Turning out the light now and might give OH a quick hand shuffle before I nod off. Tell you all about it tomorrow. Night night again!!

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/05/2023 23:38

But if she calls you to say good night, why don't you just say good night then and why do you feel you have to text as well?

Maybe you should plan your evenings so that you tell her e.g. we are going to watch a movie from seven until 10 so can't speak tonight. Would you be comfortable not speaking to her or messaging for three hours?

What happens at work? Have you ever been unable to do your job because of her messaging or calling?

Freefall212 · 27/05/2023 23:38

Wexone · 27/05/2023 23:36

no need to be rude and call people names. there is no need for that
you should apologise to @Freefall212

Show quote history

She is anxious and defensive and lashing out. I don't take it personally.

Talking to a therapist would be very beneficial, but that would mean confronting some of the questions and realities people have brought up and it doesn't seem Op is ready for that.

Original poster
Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 23:40

Purplepaperpeople · 27/05/2023 23:32

It sounds like you feel highly responsible for your Mum and her feelings and the lines and boundaries of what is reasonable contact within the relationship has become blurred. I can relate I am an only child and very close and protective of my mother. However I only have so many hours in the day and with two young children, work and a partner as well as keeping a home and maintaining contact with others, I simply don’t have the time. I still have frequent contact but it has reduced proportionally with the other responsibilities that have come up in life. I think your partner has a point and can understand his frustration. If I were him I would feel unimportant and not a priority. You mentioned him possibly being on the spectrum but you also seem very rigid and firm that you will not make any changes and don’t seem to understand how it would possibly make your partner feel

Maybe I do feel that way as my mum hasn’t had an easy life. How would you say I compromise? I am so laid back as in it doesn’t bother me to answer her etc and annoy me in the way it does my partner. So I don’t always see it how he does. Hand on heart if he was like it with his mum it wouldn’t faze me either. It’s his mum and it’s a 2 minute phone call. I don’t get why he is sulking over it. But I’m open to what I could be doing to compromise.

OP posts:
Wexone · 27/05/2023 23:41

@Freefall212 totally agree. more and more drip feed shows its not healthy what so ever. therapy for all is needed here

Original poster
Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 23:47

Redrunnynose · 27/05/2023 23:36

I'm a mum and a daughter. I speak to my mum everyday and txt her once or twice. I also message my daughter quite a few times a day and may call her if I'm driving in the car. We don't find it suffocating, I love them and we talk about our day. However I do find PPs partner controlling and childish, imagine getting annoyed about a 2 second txt saying goodnight. PP has a serious illness, as a mum i'd be worried too. OK, being interrupted while watching a film can be irritating but goodness it's only for a few minutes. Maybe put in some boundaries and say only txt me as I'm watching a film. Honestly I see nothing wrong in it but the partner sounds like an controlling arse.

Thank you! Someone who gets it.

OP posts:
EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 27/05/2023 23:48

"Open to honest answers"

.....

MMMarmite · 27/05/2023 23:48

Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 23:40

Maybe I do feel that way as my mum hasn’t had an easy life. How would you say I compromise? I am so laid back as in it doesn’t bother me to answer her etc and annoy me in the way it does my partner. So I don’t always see it how he does. Hand on heart if he was like it with his mum it wouldn’t faze me either. It’s his mum and it’s a 2 minute phone call. I don’t get why he is sulking over it. But I’m open to what I could be doing to compromise.

Show quote history

Assuming your partner is reasonable (if he is abusive this won't work and you should leave), I would ask him what are his main properties for uninterrupted time. Family dinner or film or last thing at night or mornings? Does he feel a text is as bad as a call? Then based on his answer, I'd set some new boundaries and let your mum know.

E.g. Say he tells you movies are the most important thing for him, and texts feel almost as bad as calls. I'd text your mum to say "tonight's movie night so can't talk, I had a nice day, hope your evening is good, I'll text when I head up to bed" and then leave the phone in another room, as if it were a work meeting.

RememberNancyDrew · 27/05/2023 23:49

It just sounds like your primary emotional relationship is with your Mother and her primary emotional relationship is with you.

You have this secondary relationship with your partner, but your partner doesn't want to be secondary. He should leave you and find a partner where he can be primary. No hard feelings. It's not wrong to want your partner to be your primary emotional relationship.

Original poster
Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 23:51

MMMarmite · 27/05/2023 23:48

Assuming your partner is reasonable (if he is abusive this won't work and you should leave), I would ask him what are his main properties for uninterrupted time. Family dinner or film or last thing at night or mornings? Does he feel a text is as bad as a call? Then based on his answer, I'd set some new boundaries and let your mum know.

E.g. Say he tells you movies are the most important thing for him, and texts feel almost as bad as calls. I'd text your mum to say "tonight's movie night so can't talk, I had a nice day, hope your evening is good, I'll text when I head up to bed" and then leave the phone in another room, as if it were a work meeting.

Show quote history

I mean. No. Im not doing that lol. If he can’t accept a quick text then he can leave me. It’s pathetic. I get the phone call but it is NOT every time. It’s only for a minute or so. If he can’t accept that then I guess that is that. Im
not leaving my phone in another room just to please him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 23:53

RememberNancyDrew · 27/05/2023 23:49

It just sounds like your primary emotional relationship is with your Mother and her primary emotional relationship is with you.

You have this secondary relationship with your partner, but your partner doesn't want to be secondary. He should leave you and find a partner where he can be primary. No hard feelings. It's not wrong to want your partner to be your primary emotional relationship.

But I don’t get this. My relationship with my mum is completely different to my relationship with my partner. It’s not comparable. It’s not primary or secondary. It’s my mum and it’s my partner? It’s not a competition. It’s not that she is more important than him. It’s just me and my mum being close. I can also be close to him.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 27/05/2023 23:54

He's better off out of it then. You want neither honest answers or to compromise.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 27/05/2023 23:54

But that’s also down to my partner. I’m not happy with him and maybe if I felt more support from him I would naturally put in more boundaries or my mum would respect our space more if she liked him.

After all these posts this is the crux of it: The OP is not happy with her partner and her mum doesn't like him and therefore doesn't feel she needs to respect their "space".

The OP prioritizes her mother and her mother's feelings over that of her partner. Her mother knows exactly what she's doing and doesn't care (because she doesn't like him).

This relationship is over, he just hasn't realized it yet.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 27/05/2023 23:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Pinkballoon5 · 27/05/2023 23:55

Sounds fab to me. I'm like that with my mum. U carry on OP. I'm eastend too. Your bloke needs to understand that some things are not negotiable. So it's two minutes here or there daily or it's the highway