Page 7 | Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

Rosieposey91 · 2023-05-27T17:21:56+00:00

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter. my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late. we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family. he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished. i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc. just wondered if people could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place? i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me. thank you xx

JudgeRudy · 27/05/2023 22:00

I'm genuinely quite surprised by the range of responses from he's controlling/red flags to I'd dump you.
For me, I wouldnt want to be with anyone who was permanently on call. This could be chatting/texting with mum as in your case, constant messages from teens wanting lifts, or someone just addicted to social media. I'd like to know that when you're with me, you're with me. Of course the odd call here and there is fine but even if it's only a quick text, if it's several times a day every day that would start to great.
It's not common behaviour but it's not exceptionally rare either. I'd say you're just not compatible and I'd expect him to dump you soon.

Original poster

Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 22:00

Lazyladydaisy · 27/05/2023 20:58

I can see this from both sides - I speak to my mum several times a day (sometimes when it's a little inconvenient) but we've not long lost my dad and that's what she needs.
5 minutes here and there is nothing...half an hour or more and perhaps you need to have a rethink, for balance! However the name calling would be a deal breaker for me. Your partner sounds like the baby!

It’s 5 minutes. Defo not half an hour , I have also got 2 children and often do not answer the phone to her. I will call back after and say sorry I was busy. The example re the film would be the chance we get to speak quickly before she goes to sleep (earlier than me) then I would be back present with my partner. He also dislikes it when I then text my mum good night once I go up to bed. But it’s just something we like to do and why does that affect him? That’s what I don’t understand. He will say but you spoke to her downstairs so don’t text her now.

I am 30 , I have a highly responsible job, I am a mother to two toddlers.

re what would my mother do if I didn’t respond, she would probably call again or text asking if everything is ok. However I think part of that is down to her past which I understand and also because I have health issues which came as a shock to us all. I am doing well on medication but she likes to know I am ok when she isn’t with me as it is a serious condition. However even previous to this, she has always been a ‘worrier’ she has had a difficult past (from my dad’s affair and her own dad passing away from cancer at 62) and is a sensitive person.

OP posts:

thoughtsofmoog3 · 27/05/2023 22:00

I have a partner who is very close to his mum - drives me up the wall. I have adult children and we have a fabulous relationship, and check in regularly, but not daily because they are out there having great lives and they know where I am if they need me - and - huge parenting success in my eyes, they are independent and coping well.

Now - DP - father died young, he and mum super close and she phones him all the blooming time. And, that's fine because that's how they are and it is not my place to come between them. However, I do feel like she is his priority and that's not for me, so will probably be ex-DP soon.

Horses for Courses.

CC222 · 27/05/2023 22:03

He sounds very controlling and emotionally manipulative/immature.
Personally I would walk away from this relationship.
Any good partner would appreciate how much of a family person you are...x

thoughtsofmoog3 · 27/05/2023 22:04

@Rosieposey91 Can I just say, if he texted his mum every night when we were in bed, I would lose any desire I had for him. Huge turn off.

Disclaimer - I know a lot of people here frown at the idea of sex, just saying!

Wexone · 27/05/2023 22:05

Text goodnight ?? every night? really ? think about your 2 children do you expect them to this when they are fully grown adults married and have children of their own. I honestly think you need some sort of counselling

CleverLilViper · 27/05/2023 22:06

squidgybits · 27/05/2023 19:40

If I was him I would have walked a long time ago
Grow up OP!

I love the people telling OP to grow up and that she's immature ignoring the fact that he sulks like a petulant child. 😂

Silvergoldandglitter · 27/05/2023 22:07

Why so much? Why are you so reliant on each other? What do you even have to talk about so often?
This would drive me mad. Cut the apron strings and form an adult relationship with your mother.

Lapland123 · 27/05/2023 22:12

So you speak to say goodnight and she would call again if you didn’t answer. And then you text also?

OP would you like if it was your MIL doing this?
I don’t think you can be in a relationship- your main relationship is with your mother, you are married to her

ProfessorXtra · 27/05/2023 22:14

Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 22:00

It’s 5 minutes. Defo not half an hour , I have also got 2 children and often do not answer the phone to her. I will call back after and say sorry I was busy. The example re the film would be the chance we get to speak quickly before she goes to sleep (earlier than me) then I would be back present with my partner. He also dislikes it when I then text my mum good night once I go up to bed. But it’s just something we like to do and why does that affect him? That’s what I don’t understand. He will say but you spoke to her downstairs so don’t text her now.

I am 30 , I have a highly responsible job, I am a mother to two toddlers.

re what would my mother do if I didn’t respond, she would probably call again or text asking if everything is ok. However I think part of that is down to her past which I understand and also because I have health issues which came as a shock to us all. I am doing well on medication but she likes to know I am ok when she isn’t with me as it is a serious condition. However even previous to this, she has always been a ‘worrier’ she has had a difficult past (from my dad’s affair and her own dad passing away from cancer at 62) and is a sensitive person.

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It could be that he is becoming hyper sensitive to all and any contact because it’s so intrusive.

So, even when it doesn’t impact him it’s winding him up. He isn’t dealing with it well but I get the sentiment.

Why do you need to text goodnight if you just spoke to her and said goodnight? That’s not just a routine, it’s codependency. You can give all reasons in the world, it’s not healthy. It’s not about your health issues, is it. You aren’t alone. Why would she be worrying something will happen to you and what? She will just happen to call at the exact right time? Rather than your partner, who is there, getting you help?

You have 2 toddlers and both work. You probably don’t get that much downtime together as it is, yet when you do you keep breaking off to talk to your mother. It would be really annoying.

Do you plan on being like this with your kids? I always answer my daughter as soon as a I can. She is a young adult. But I would never rely on her to help my anxiety, expect her to feed my need for contact and feel obliged to answer and speak to me every few hours. My mum died really suddenly, recently. It’s devastating. I am worried about losing Dad or anyone in the same way. It’s not for my Dad or my kids, to ensure they indulge my anxiety. It’s for me to manage. I especially couldn’t do that to dd.

Justmuddlingalong · 27/05/2023 22:16

Are you planning on having the same kind of relationship with your own kids as adults, as you have with your DM, and she had with her DM?
Would you be able to cope if they broke the cycle?
Would you think they weren't close to you if they didn't contact you numerous times a day?
Would you be happy knowing that the expected levels of contact caused issues in their relationships?

Freefall212 · 27/05/2023 22:16

It is like you are having an emotional affair with your mom.

There are three people in this marriage emotionally and many people wouldln't be okay with that.

Womencanlift · 27/05/2023 22:17

I am very close to my mum and will FaceTime most days and text too but if I am with my DP or at work then I won’t. I would be frustrated it my DP consistently interrupted our time together to speak on the phone or text someone else, whether that’s a parent or anyone else

You say you won’t change which I think makes you come across more immature than your DP. You are a grown woman, a mother and a partner. You can’t have the same relationship now that you have had when you were younger and single. You need to make a compromise for your family that you live with

CleverLilViper · 27/05/2023 22:20

Wexone · 27/05/2023 22:05

Text goodnight ?? every night? really ? think about your 2 children do you expect them to this when they are fully grown adults married and have children of their own. I honestly think you need some sort of counselling

Yes, counselling from the utter trauma of saying goodnight to a parent.

The mind absolutely boggles.

Wexone · 27/05/2023 22:23

CleverLilViper · 27/05/2023 22:20

Yes, counselling from the utter trauma of saying goodnight to a parent.

The mind absolutely boggles.

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it's not healthy what so ever there is no need to text your mother evey night good night.

Original poster

Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 22:23

Lapland123 · 27/05/2023 22:12

So you speak to say goodnight and she would call again if you didn’t answer. And then you text also?

OP would you like if it was your MIL doing this?
I don’t think you can be in a relationship- your main relationship is with your mother, you are married to her

So we speak if she is off to bed but I will also then text once I am in bed to say goodnight. I completely understand people will think it’s too much , but it’s more of a quick ‘in bed myself now, night mum x’

I honestly think only eastenders will get it. But I equally find it strange that my partner hardly speaks to his parents. Will speak to his dad about sport but his dad will not make the effort to come out of his way to see him as it’s ‘far’ whereas my mum is literally my rock, when I was going through bad anxiety relating to my condition, she would drive to me in the middle of the night to calm me down because my partner would be snoring and tell me to get on with it if he woke up.

I guess you are all right though, I prefer my mum’s company and I am closer to her. But that’s also down to my partner. I’m not happy with him and maybe if I felt more support from him I would naturally put in more boundaries or my mum would respect our space more if she liked him.

there’s a lot more to it, he didn’t believe me when I was really unwell during my pregnancy and said I was just over reacting. When my daughter was poorly on holiday he said I was a hypochondriac but ended up she had an ear infection and tonsillitis and he didn’t want me to waste time going to the doctors on holiday. He has a short temper with me and my children. has thrown a toy across the room etc in his temper.

I have told him he needs to get help or it’s over for my children’s sake.

however the reason for my post is I just wanted opinions if he is being abusive with my mum situation or if I’m just thinking he is due to the other relationship issues.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 22:24

Wexone · 27/05/2023 22:23

it's not healthy what so ever there is no need to text your mother evey night good night.

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I want to text my dear mum goodnight every night. I love her and in the same way I kiss my babies good night every night. I like to text my lovely mum good night.

OP posts:

ProfessorXtra · 27/05/2023 22:28

Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 22:23

So we speak if she is off to bed but I will also then text once I am in bed to say goodnight. I completely understand people will think it’s too much , but it’s more of a quick ‘in bed myself now, night mum x’

I honestly think only eastenders will get it. But I equally find it strange that my partner hardly speaks to his parents. Will speak to his dad about sport but his dad will not make the effort to come out of his way to see him as it’s ‘far’ whereas my mum is literally my rock, when I was going through bad anxiety relating to my condition, she would drive to me in the middle of the night to calm me down because my partner would be snoring and tell me to get on with it if he woke up.

I guess you are all right though, I prefer my mum’s company and I am closer to her. But that’s also down to my partner. I’m not happy with him and maybe if I felt more support from him I would naturally put in more boundaries or my mum would respect our space more if she liked him.

there’s a lot more to it, he didn’t believe me when I was really unwell during my pregnancy and said I was just over reacting. When my daughter was poorly on holiday he said I was a hypochondriac but ended up she had an ear infection and tonsillitis and he didn’t want me to waste time going to the doctors on holiday. He has a short temper with me and my children. has thrown a toy across the room etc in his temper.

I have told him he needs to get help or it’s over for my children’s sake.

however the reason for my post is I just wanted opinions if he is being abusive with my mum situation or if I’m just thinking he is due to the other relationship issues.

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See this is ridiculous. People can’t tell you wether someone is abusive from one tiny issue.

If you aren’t happy, then you aren’t happy.

You are retreating into your relationship with your mum and disengaging from your partner. And sounds like disengaging is the right thing to do.

However, it doesn’t make him wrong that he notices this. It doesn’t make him wrong to be not happy about it the codependency. Even if he is, in part, to blame. But just because he may be right about one thing it wouldn’t make him not abusive.

But it seems like the codependency with your mum has gone on for a long time, it’s not just because he is an arse. The issue with your mum and you having to be available to help her anxiety, imo, still needs working on. But that doesn’t mean you should stay with him.

Justmuddlingalong · 27/05/2023 22:29

Your relationship with your DM is totally separate to your relationship with your DP.
You can ditch him for being unsupportive, but your over reliance on your DM possibly makes him feel redundant.
If the support you get from your DM is complete and unwavering, there's a possibility that you crave the attention from her and he sees through that.

Womencanlift · 27/05/2023 22:31

As a pp said there are three people in your relationship. There should only be two. It’s up to you to decide who that other person is as it can’t be both

Wexone · 27/05/2023 22:32

Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 22:24

I want to text my dear mum goodnight every night. I love her and in the same way I kiss my babies good night every night. I like to text my lovely mum good night.

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not when it's affecting your marriage or relationship with the father of your children? why did she ring you when she was out with friends? what was so important she had to interrupt her time with friends to ring yoi and interrupt your time? could it have not waited till morning or catch up over coffee next day? your children are quote young at mo so yes youliss them good night however when they are grown up married with children of their own. parents do their job or raising children to be independent and get on with their lives. as other people are saying this is a super strong Co dependency and it's not healthy what so ever

Freefall212 · 27/05/2023 22:32

I can only imagine how many times a day you tell him

My mom thinks...

My mom says....

My mom wants.....

My mom and I are.....

CleverLilViper · 27/05/2023 22:32

Some family dynamics are like this, and that is ok. It doesn't automatically mean that there are co-dependency issues or other things at play.

Contrary to popular MN opinion-it's OK to have relationships with family that are apparently against the "norm." It doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you.

He has a problem with your relationship with your DM and is not close with his family. This signifies some disconnect and incompatibility at play. He doesn't understand the closeness that you have with your DM because he, himself, does not have it with his own family.

On the one hand, I can understand from his POV why it would be annoying/grating to have your day interrupted by calls and messages. It'd be annoying to not be able to get through a film without having to pause it so you can answer a call. Especially if you're anticipating it so you can't just settle down and relax.

However, there is a far more worrying aspect to this. He's denigrating your relationship with your mother. He's denigrating you by calling you weird and a baby. He's going off in a sulk because he's not getting to dictate your relationship with your DM. He can't accuse you of being a baby whilst also going off in a sulk.

You say that he's the jealous type, and people who try and control their partner's family relationships and friendships tend to fall on the abusive spectrum.

As I see it, you have a few options:

Change your relationship with your DM to suit your DP.
Tell him to like it or lump it.
Run for the hills from this guy.

If it were me, I'd be picking option 3. No one would ever diminish or demean my relationship with my family or me for having that relationship and have me remain in that situation. No, sir.

Original poster

Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 22:35

ProfessorXtra · 27/05/2023 22:28

See this is ridiculous. People can’t tell you wether someone is abusive from one tiny issue.

If you aren’t happy, then you aren’t happy.

You are retreating into your relationship with your mum and disengaging from your partner. And sounds like disengaging is the right thing to do.

However, it doesn’t make him wrong that he notices this. It doesn’t make him wrong to be not happy about it the codependency. Even if he is, in part, to blame. But just because he may be right about one thing it wouldn’t make him not abusive.

But it seems like the codependency with your mum has gone on for a long time, it’s not just because he is an arse. The issue with your mum and you having to be available to help her anxiety, imo, still needs working on. But that doesn’t mean you should stay with him.

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You are misinterpreting what I mean. I know he is abusive. I just wanted to know if this particular situation was abusive - I know that even if this situation wasn’t that it doesn’t mean he is abusive …

re my mum having anxiety, I wouldn’t say that’s the main reason just an example. We enjoy speaking often, I don’t want to change that. I understand re the film situation, I could be more assertive and say I’ll speak after but I also know that she is living alone, my grandmother has severe dementia and I guess I wouldn’t want to upset her. Maybe she does feel lonely etc. if I was to say I will call you after I think she would reply oh ok or something like that or oh only wanted to speak quickly to say good night. How would you deal with that? I feel like I just want to keep everyone happy but it equally wouldn’t bother me to just answer and then carry on watching the programme so don’t get why it infuriates my partner so much for phone call lasting a couple of seconds. He even takes the mick as I say ok love you mum bye!!

OP posts:

CleverLilViper · 27/05/2023 22:35

Wexone · 27/05/2023 22:23

it's not healthy what so ever there is no need to text your mother evey night good night.

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Who are you to decide what is healthy versus what isn't?

Why is it unhealthy? Because you decided it is? Because you don't personally do it-and therefore, only your way is the right way and anything else can be deemed wrong and unhealthy.

What is healthy for one may be unhealthy for another and vice versa. OP likes her relationship with her mother. This is how she has been raised and it is common in the area she lives and the community she has grown up in. It may be different to some-and that's fine-but that doesn't automatically mean it is wrong.