Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

[Rosieposey91]

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

The thing that's really put the nail in the coffin for me is that OP said her mum separated from her dad when she was 3 and that they've always been close. You can easily see the same pattern about to repeat when her husband leaves, then she'll smother her daughter into developing the same codepdent relationship and the cycle will repeat for another generation.

😆😆😆

If you listen very closely you can hear the distant strains of Chaz n Dave

He does sound immature and a pain.

Personally though I would find it annoying. I don't speak to my best friend or my children every day and I would find it intrusive to be with someone who did. I wouldn't think they were very independent or grown up. Without wanting to sound snobby I always thought it was a bit of a working class thing - living close by each other, seeing each other all the time and talking on the phone all the time. I think middle class people are much less likely to do that? Similarly with boyfriends picking up their girlfriends from work all the time or paying for their hair, nails or tan. A bit smothering and possessive.

I really can’t imagine anything worse than speaking to my DM multiple times every day. Admittedly, my relationship with her is tricky because of the past, but I can’t imagine doing it even if things were different. It would be suffocating as an adult with my own family, my DH and 2 DDs.

As various PPs have said, the relationship the OP has with her DM doesn’t sound close so much as co-dependent.

Yes, her mother abused her and forced her daughter to put her at the centre of everything, giving OP an arrested development. She was not able to develop normally into adulthood. Her mother has abused her and manipulated her and OP truly thinks this is normal. I have never heard of any culture that would see this as anything but sick and unhealthy. Dr Phil would have a field day with her and her mother. No other couples in the episode. It would take him around 10 episodes to even get to the bottom of this dysfunction. Because the sad thing is, she has actually convinced herself (or her mother convinced her) that her relationship with her mother is normal. She actually believes it.

So insensitive. He has passed away. The PP was referring to a previous post where I had addressed my parents so I was replying to that. Not that I have to explain myself.

I honestly can’t imagine at 31 texting my mummy goodnight every night or having night night phone calls.

Unless say she has dementia or something making her believe I was still a little child she was saying night too who happened to be sleeping away.

I can ring my mum daily or I can go weeks without talking to her depending on what’s going on in either of our life’s. We could be on the phone for 5 minutes or 5 hours chatting random bs while cleaning out houses. But I don’t NEED to call her daily and she doesn’t need me to either. We both have lives that don’t revolve around the other.

You say you have a heart condition.
Sorry to hear that and it must make your mum worry.

Is it life threatening? what is wrong with your heart?

Yay! You’re back! Tell us more about the cardiac arrest thing, that really needs to be treated, it’s wrong of the NHS to let you go home when merely going upstairs could kill you.

A cardiac arrest?

Most people don't survive that unless they get first aid on the spot.

It's not a heart attack. It's when the heart stop, just like that.
It needs CPR and blue lighting or it's too late.

To compare....my children (who are actual children, not 30 year olds) are with their father 50% of the time and I would have nothing like this level of communication with them when they are. We might have a quick chat once a day and might send the odd text or two but no one is putting any pressure on anyone or worrying if we don't get through. All parties are getting on with their daily lives. I feel suffocated just reading the OP's posts, this is a bizarre dynamic and no sensible person would put up with that in a relationship. Looks like the partner is on the way out the door anyway and the OP and her mother can then reaffirm once again how wonderful and close they are and what an arsehole he was, job done.

The OP has already said that once she speaks with her mum before bed, her mum would only realise something is wrong when she didn’t message/call around her normal time in the morning.

People keep trying to explain and change the OP’s version of events when it’s very clearly there in black and white

Ah, okay so you have not had a cardia arrest.

You say you have a heart condition and are on medication for it.
What is wrong with your heart?

When was this diagnosed? Just wondering as on your other thread you say you had a baby not that long ago (so you don't have 2 toddlers, you have one baby and one toddler) so it would be unusual to go ahead with a 2nd pregnancy if you were knowingly so much at risk of a cardiac arrest.

This is what she wrote.

OP mentioned in one of her posts that she's been diagnosed with OCD. I suspect her mum might also suffer from ocd or anxiety as both of them seem to be seeking reassurance from each other in an unhealthy way.

OP, I think your relationship is not going to last and your partner does sound immature. But I do think that you need help to address your relationship with your mum as it's far from healthy and it's especially worrying if you will mirror this in your own daughter. It sounds like your mum and your grandma didn't have healthy relationships / marriages either, so they coped by being dependent on each other and you now follow the same path.

I don't think getting a counseling would hurt here, if anything, at least to help with your OCD. Reassurance seeking is a very common OCD symptom and maybe it would help you to get some professional perspective.

Love them but wouldn't like them living in my ear...

Thanks Alice. I am not responding to others any more as they are too insulting. My mother never sleeps through the night either and always likes to check her phone as soon as she wakes. It works for us. Glad to know I’m not the only person who doesn’t find their family annoying. Before my nan got dementia I used to text her every day and call her every night. I miss that so much. Xx

Had it all my life. First pregnancy made it worse and was under specialists with second. Unfortunately it got worse and I cannot have any more children. Grateful to have had one of each and both healthy. Not going in to more details re my diagnosis.

God you must have had no time for anything else when your Nan was well with all the calling and texting to the two of them. Sure you'd have to go to bed a 7pm to get all the multiple goodnights done.

I think you have a sweet relationship with your Mother. It’s difficult for people who don’t have nice mums to imagine enjoying them. Mine lives far away, and is older and lives alone. We check on each other, share a bit about our day. She calls when she’s anxious, etc.

I also think people who haven’t had much trauma in their lives won’t get it. Easy to take people for granted.

If I’m busy when my Mom calls I send a canned text back / “Can I call you later.”

My Dad calls frequently too and I do find myself a bit annoyed sometimes, but that has lessened with age.

I think your DH is the problem, not just with this, but overall.

I'm from the east end and I don't know anyone like this. Most of us my age have broken toxic cycles with our parents.

It does remind me of when I moved to the countryside though and got my first boyfriend who lived with his parents. His mum came into his room and leaned over me to kiss him goodnight, whilst we were both half naked in his bed. So I don't think co dependency is an east end thing.

When you are an adult you’ll understand.

You slept in bed with your boyfriend in his mummy’s house. What did you expect?

Ha ha! Like something in the opening chapter of a murder mystery novel.

It's odd that you want to detail every single part of your life (almost) especially regarding your chats with your Mum, your partner's behaviour, your dad's death, your gran's dementia, but you don't want to share your health issue.

It's vital to understanding this because it sounds as if your mum is afraid you are (literally) going to drop down dead. If that is so, she needs therapy.

What is so terrible about saying you have an irregular heartbeat - or similar- which is what it sounds like (because most serious heart issues are often able to be treated and cured with surgery.)

Are you unwilling to disclose it because it's not as serious as you make out?