Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

[Rosieposey91]

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

t’s difficult for people who don’t have nice mums to imagine enjoying them

FFS it's these passive aggressive little digs which are winding people up. Just like the OP saying that people who aren't texting/calling/interacting 20 times a day aren't close to their family.

My mum is perfectly nice. I love her very much, and she loves me and my kids. She has however raised her own kids to be independent, secure and be able to function without calling mum every 2 minutes.

It's difficult for people who have been brought up in a suffocating and overinvested atmosphere to imagine enjoying independence.

'E's wiv 'er muvver now, ain't 'e?

I do sympathise - I think it's really really hard for you to see the relationship objectively. You love your mum more than anything, so all the behaviour is acceptable to you, as you see it as an extension of that love, a way for the love to be played out.

But I think it's highly unusual to be in such regular, repeated contact. My family is from the East End, and from a culture where family is 'everything'. I am one of four, and one my siblings is like this with my mum. They can call 10 times a day, text twice as much - and if I visit (I chose to live far away and have some distance, to be honest), they might call 2, 3 x an afternoon. However, my mum won't always engage and won't always put my sibling first. And the rest of us all recognise that it's not usual behaviour from our sibling. There's a level of need that should have been filled years ago by something else. I don't think it's really about love - we all completely adore our parents.

My fear for my DC is that because I don't feel they've really 'left the womb' - even though they are middle aged with kids - when my mum and dad die, it's going to be horrendous for them.

I think you should consider this - and perhaps look to get some support and therapeutic guidance so that you are better equipped emotionally for the future inevitabilties.

Good luck.

Sorry - my fear is for my sibling, not my DC. My DC are definitely not showing signs of needing me too much!

Of all the passive aggressive comments on this thread (and on that one page!) that’s the one you noticed and picked out?

And a bit of hyperbole also! “Every two minutes”
🤣

I think you have a sweet relationship with your Mother. It’s difficult for people who don’t have nice mums to imagine enjoying them. Mine lives far away, and is older and lives alone. We check on each other, share a bit about our day. She calls when she’s anxious, etc.

I also think people who haven’t had much trauma in their lives won’t get it. Easy to take people for granted.

Nope. Guess again. My mum's great. I value my time with her. I don't feel the need to text her every night to let her know I'm not dead yet. It's not a healthy way to live your life. And it's not to do with lack of trauma on either side. We've both had a fair bit of that in our lives. It's just that I don't want or need to spend my entire time wondering if she's still alive or not. That would ruin my enjoyment of the present. I don't want to spend my entire life worried about what ifs.

It's really rather rude of you and the OP to assume that those of us who have different relationships with our mothers somehow love them less. It also shows a lack of imagination and empathy, plus more than usual insecurity.

That the OP is only responding to the unhealthy enablers and won't respond to the vast majority of us that are calling it out for what it is shows they were never genuine and only wanted validation. Sorry, if you post on AIBU, and you clearly are, most will point it out.

People are having a go at her because it’s AIBU.

You pile on then accuse others of lack of empathy and insecurity.

I also think people who haven’t had much trauma in their lives won’t get it.

We get it, which is why we are calling it out for what it is: trauma and thus not normal. Enabling a person who clearly isn't well is not helping her.

No, people are having a go at her because she asked a question, didn't like 99% of the answers, and then dared suggest the rest of us were not normal and 'not close' to our own mothers simply because we don't call or text mummy to say nightnights. It's her whole arrogant, smug and dismissive attitude that got up people's noses.

For an 18 year old who was about to head off to uni to not need tucking in at night, maybe? Pretty healthy expectation tbh.

No, adults don't need to say goodnight multiple times to their mother every night, it's children who do that. Very small children at that.

Agree with this. Texting/ringing someone obsessively and being unable to get through a bloody film without doing it isnt being "close", it smacks of insecurity and a weird sort of familial control. Thats not "love".

I agree. I love DD but I am not overbearing and suffocating.

I think that’s bizarre and childish. None of my friends did this either. It seems lacking in self respect.

Daughters aren’t necessarily different. Each family situation is different and talking every day and texting “I love you” every day doesn’t mean you love your mum more than anyone else or have a better relationship, which is what you seem to be implying. My main concern is that one day or other, your mum won’t be here and your co-dependency will leave a great big hole in your life which I fear you will struggle with. I agree with other posters that you should try to find a compromise and maintain your relationship with your mum but not let it dominate your personal life, best with your current partner or someone else.

People are sticking the boot in because they think that's what you have to do on AIBU. The OP is entitled to answer back.

All this is the downside of phones. I doubt the OP's great grandmother popped in to put her daughter to bed every night in the good ol' days of the East End.

I live in Mexico where families are also incredibly close. My friend's sister and her husband used to videocall their son in England every day and micromanage his life from here. The poor thing had crossed to world to have some space to breathe and even that hadn't worked.

Not at all. The OP was rude to people, so we're entitled to answer back. You have it back to front. If an OP starts a thread asking for advice, and then they start attacking the replies and dismissing the advice, they'll get it back.

OP, if you can leave your phone at work or during sex can’t you text in advance to your mum and say I am going on a date night and will text after that? If she calls during and you don’t answer by text or orally, you are not ignoring her as you told her in advance. The problem with your view is that you are very much concentrated on not upsetting your mum in any way but happy to upset your partner.
there are several issues there. I understand you have good relationship with your mum and you have some certain things you do however

• even if your mum despises your partner she has to respect your wish to work on your relationship. If you are so close you can have honest conversation with her saying I do want to work on this relationship and one of the things I want to compromise on is not to pause film or interrupt date night with him even for a quick text or phone call. She will respect this as she loves you. I would also ask your mum not to show despise to you as you want to make it work. She loves you a lot from what I can see and as your best friend she will want to respect your view even if she disagrees with you, You can explain to her that you don’t want to ignore her and as a result you will text n advance when this happens so that she is aware and you will text or call once you finished film or date night
• you can’t wait for your partner to improve and then start making compromises, there are two people in this relationship and you both need to do steps at the same time. He works on his temper and you do these compromises. It does feel a bit, that he needs to prove to you that he is worth of compromises and I can understand it doesn’t leave him feeling valued. You need to tell him in advance on what you plan to do and ask him to respect that you are doing steps in his direction but you are not planning to change completely. Similarly he needs to make changes - you both agree which - the most obvious one for me is not to lose his temper and not sulk but he won’t change completely, so perhaps he will still insist on children going to bed at certain time. If you accept that he will need to accept some of your routines.
• I do fully understand that it doesn’t bother you to have a quick call or text during meal or film but you also need to respect the fact that it would bother a lot of other people including your partner. I know you don’t understand this but we do not have to understand every reason behind every behaviour of other people - you just need to respect them. My husband really gets upset if I text during our meal , I don’t understand it as I don’t do it during conversation but in between but I respect his view and don’t do it. Equally I get upset if he has TV on (without sound) during dinner (he sometimes likes to keep an eye on score in football game) so he compromised on that. It is two way street. We both agreed that if phone rings during dinner, we check and if it is one of our children or parents we either text asking if it is urgent or answer (his mum is old and can’t do texts), if not emergency we say we are having dinner, and will call back. We also agreed that if it is an important game (don’t ask me what it means) the tv stays on without sound during dinner. The point which I am making is we discussed what irritates the other person and made some compromises, not full way change but compromises.

She actually took on board quite a bit of it. Admitted she didn’t need to take texts during a movie. But he’s awful to her so she’s not interested in catering to him. Who can blame her? she can’t depend on him, but knows her mom will always have her back.

And why is a 30 second text “good night” a big deal? Sheesh, tons of people I know do that with friends, siblings, parents. All of it ramped up with covid, of course.

My 90 year old neighbor lives alone and has her kids texting and calling constantly. Grand kids and great grandkids, too. She has a huge and busy life, but her kids want to know she’s okay on a daily basis.

And do you feel the same about spending time arguing with strangers on mumsnet? Because some people have spent more time on this thread than OP spends texting her mom.

I don't know I think she's pretty awful to him, tbh. She has no respect for him, and won't put the phone down for him. She doesn't respect his parenthood and undermines him. She feels he is the one who needs to change. I honestly think he'd be better off finding someone who treats him better, leave her to her strange relationship with her mother. I feel for him. I am very pro-female but she just seems abusive to me.

Quite frankly, you and he aren't suited. He needs to stop sulking and acting up, but I get his frustration. You need to grow up.
If you're not ready to adult, then cut the guy loose. He probably didn't envisage being in a relationship with your mother, too. A call once a week, maybe a message when there's something to discuss in between is all it needs.

Instilling Independence is part of good parenting. Your mother needs to back off, or she is letting you down.

This is very true! Couldn’t do that when it wasn’t free, either. I think smartphones are a disaster.