Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

[Rosieposey91]

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

I've only read 4 of your posts so far OP, and I was fully prepared to go off at your DP, but neither you or your mother sound very well at all. You are both as Dr Phil would say, dangerously enmeshed. Your relationship with your mum is not healthy or normal. In fact in some ways I would say it's abusive because there is a complete lack of boundaries. Calling to say goodnight every night is to me disturbing and shows an arrested development of a 9 year old child. It's not healthy at all. You say your partner needs help, sorry but I think you are the one who needs help. And fast. Regardless of whether your DP is abusive or not - and in the context of your deeply unhealthy attachment to your mummy I don't think he is, here is a tip: even the most laid back man would not stand for the unhealthy setup your and your mother have. Not one man will. Truly, you need help OP.

Just re read that but. Op says that her mum lost a parent to cancer and ‘so did I’.

The more this goes on the more I think the op is full of shit tbh.

Why are you expecting him to change his ways? He is completely normal. You are the one who needs to change your ways. Because no man no matter how laid back will put up with your unhealthy child-like relationship with your mother. At this point you will be single for the rest of your life if you don't change. We are trying to tell you that it's you that's the problem, not him. It seems like you simply don't want to listen to reason and are intent on making your normal partner the bad guy. This has nothing to do with where you live. This is not normal or healthy, anywhere. You really can do with some intense therapy to make you see how unhealthy this is.

The problem isn't your relationship with your DM. The problem is your DP. You know he's abusive - stonewalling, silent treatment, temper tantrums, throwing items.
With that context, isolating someone from their family is a common tactic of abusers. He's trying to bully you into cutting those ties because then you have less support and are more bound to him.
I didn't call my DM every day when she was alive but my DSIS did and, for the last few years of DM's life, they called each other every night to say goodnight. You have a relationship that works for you and your DM. It's a relationship that is important to you. No-one who loved you would be shouting about it, giving you ultimatums, giving you the silent treatment. With a loving partner, you would negotiate together how to manage family relationships. But for your DP, this is about control and isolation.

This is my take also.

Sorry but your reply is irrelevant to me. You are clearly from a completely different culture / upbringing. So I do not care for your opinion.

Why did you bother posting then@Rosieposey91 ?

DD (22) and I are very close. She has had some health issues and anxiety, but we would both find the level at which you and your mum communicate with each other stifling. To me it comes across as a very unhealthy and suffocating co-dependency.

You only need to read the numerous posts on here from women whose husbands have this kind of relationship with their mothers to realise just how much it affects your partner. TBH I think this will affect any relationship you have with a partner. There are three people in your partnership currently.

what quickly said good night to their parent? See I don’t get this.

I don't get that you do. DD doesn't message me to say goodnight every night. She is a grown up with her own life, and often goes to bed much later than I do.

What makes you think I constantly ring my mum? I’m talking about maybe a few times a day

That is "constantly" in my book.

I agree with @tailinthejam that your partner doesn't sound right for you.

So having phone calls with your mother is interruptions to your life? I don’t get this.

If it is several times a day, yes it is. Don't you work?

I’ve got 2 grown up children, sons btw, who I’m very close to but if they started feeling the need to text me “goodnight” every night I’d be really concerned about them. It’s too much. And as for ringing and speaking several times a day? Why? No wonder your partner feels pushed out.

I agree. It has nothing to do with what sex your DC are. This is very suffocating. Your mother is treating you like a child. I think @Joeylove88 has made some excellent points. I'm also not convinced that all Eastend families have the kind of smothering relationship with their families that you do. You must realise that most people on here think this is not normal. It isn't cultural, it's co-dependency.

But I wouldn’t say you are that close then. As you don’t feel the need to say good night or good morning and check in on eachother

That's utter bollocks. That's your anxiety speaking.

I’m so independent , I don’t rely on my mum for anything.

But you do, and you can't see it.

Tbh I really don’t see the issue and I don’t want to make changes with my relationship with my mum.

So dump the partner and move in with your mum. Job done.

I think your relationship with your mum is fine on the surface, BUT, if you don’t speak to her when you’re with your kids, friends, job etc, then you’re not giving your partner the same priority, he is very low on the list and obviously knows it, it shows a real lack of respect, like he doesn’t matter.

I wouldn’t dream of pausing tv or a film to talk to my mum who I’ve already spoken to lots that day.. it’s a real dick move.. go out the room if you absolutely need to or better yet, ‘can’t talk, goodnight mum’. it’s unfair and I can see why it would annoy him.

I personally think it’s your mum who is relying emotionally on you too much (not the other way round) and she is using the little influence she has to jeopardise the relationship with your partner, it’s not the innocent ‘I love my mum and she loves me’ that you think it is, she knows she’s driving a wedge and doesn’t care as she doesn’t want to lose you to your partner.. which means she doesn’t care if the children lose their dad over it.. it’s not right OP, it’s like you’re brainwashed.

if most of the problems you have with your partner are directly or indirectly caused by this issue they are never giving them a chance to improve, for your kids sake why don’t you put some small boundaries in place with your mum and see if your relationship improves? You won’t know unless you try.

then If that fails you know it’s a problem in your relationship and NOT the issue with your mum.

OP, are you suggesting that being from the east end of London is the thing dictating your enmeshment with your mother? That makes no sense to me. I lived there for many years, and am still I touch with lots of friends from the area and, while, as you’d expect, there are varying degrees of closeness (geographical and psychological) to their parents, I’ve never come across anyone with your extreme level of need for contact.

The OP is not prioritising her kids here. It’s all about her and her mum. The kids’ intact family will be broken up but whatever, that’s just collateral.
What a joke she says that family is so important to her!

Yes, it's definitely more smartphone addiction imo. I came of age just before mobiles were owned by more that 25% of people and what would the OP do back then when she wouldn't have a text phone to use? Why can't she turn the phone off for 2 hours to sit and watch a movie? It sounds like a technology addict making excuses for their mobile addiction.

I think it's lovely that you have a really close relationship with your mum because I did too but not to the extent of yours! So I do get it but the more you post about your partner and the fact that your mum despises him, is the real issue here.
If push came to shove, you'd leave him for her and he knows that. And so does your mum.
Interrupting a film to answer a call (unless it's important) is just plain rude and that would annoy the life out of me.
I don't think either you or your mum have any respect for your partner and probably he doesn't have any respect for you or your mum either.
As others have said, there are three people in your relationship and your partner is definitely at the bottom of the pile.

YABU. Your partner doesn't sound like a keeper but I think anyone would have a problem with couple time/watching a film together being interrupted with trivial phone calls. What if you'd gone out to the cinema or theatre instead, would you have answered the call then?

Really it sounds like this is one of those AIBU posts where you just want everyone to agree with you. You've said twice that your mum rang you about the shoes during a TV programme, then when people said that's unreasonable you change your story to say it was a whatsapp photo not a phone call, and you're saying people who don't share your "culture" don't have valid opinions. We've all seen Eastenders and understand the importance of FAAAAMMMLEEEEEE, and it may surprise you to hear that even people who weren't born within the sound of the Bow Bells can have close family relationships (!) but you need to be a bit more considerate - if your partner is your kids' dad then he is family too. Put the phone on silent and use whatsapp messages so your mum can see you've read the message and know you're OK even if you haven't messaged back yet (my mum is anxious too so I taught her what blue ticks mean and she finds that reassuring).

By the way, if your cardiologist thinks you are at risk of dropping dead every time you go up a flight of stairs you should probably consider moving into a ground floor flat. Otherwise, your mum needs to calm down and you both need to stop using your medical issue as justification for codependent behaviour.

Two problems here. First he is controlling and jealous and I wouldn't stay with him for that reason. If he weren't, I would say he has a.point and you would need to find ways to manage the interruptions so you can have quality time. I see it as I have family time, couple time and 'my' time. Can choose to do what I want with mine, but if phone calls with your mum and constantly interrupting family or couple time it's a problem. You presumably don't let it get in the way of work, so you need to respect a partners feelings and your time together. Maybe just not this particular partner!

It worries me to see some posters egging the OP on to think her unhealthy relationship is ok. It isn't. It's very unhealthy and if she went before Dr Phil or any other Psychologist she'd be told in no uncertain terms just how deeply unhealthy her co-dependent child/mummy relationship is.
I also think it's not healthy her thinking a tv show represents in any way real life. Eastenders is absolutely nothing like real life in Eastend.

What I've taken from you replies is you mum doesn't respect ur boundaries with her partner as she doesn't like him, (rightly or wrongly) so effectively what she is saying is she has to like any partner you have else she wouldn't respect boundaries. So it's basically her who decides who u should be with. And I know u mention being part of a culture. Well just because something is part of a culture doesn't automatically make it a acceptable and right thing. Wasn't child marriage part of some cultures!
What I've also taken is because u don't like ur partner ur not prepared change anything anyway as I don't think u think he deserves to have you attention fully. I think u should leave not because he's abusive (he maybe I have no idea) so he can go and find someone who doesn't have their mum as most important part of their relationship. It's about who u Prioritise in your life and its clear from ur posts its ur mum.

I am so laid back as in it doesn’t bother me to answer her etc and annoy me in the way it does my partner. So I don’t always see it how he does. Hand on heart if he was like it with his mum it wouldn’t faze me either. It’s his mum and it’s a 2 minute phone call. I don’t get why he is sulking over it. But I’m open to what I could be doing to compromise.

You're laid back when you're doing what you want to do. And by that definition, almost everyone on the planet is laid back. It takes a special kind of mardiness to be stroppy when you're getting your own way. I mean I've known some people like that, but they are few and far between.

What would be laid back would be if you were able to change your behaviour and not get wound up by it. You'd be laid back if you were able to say 'hey, my partner's relationship with his parents is different and that's OK.' Instead what you're saying is 'oh I'd be so super chill if he were more like me.' Well of course you bloody would. It's what you think is normal. Now imagine changing your own behaviour and ask how you'd feel about doing that. Still think you're laid back? Nope. Because you're not.

Your mother sounds very smothering and determined to be top dog. That isn’t a healthy relationship. She needs to respect that you have your own life and dial way back on the control,

You said your mother despises your partner. He probably despises her too . You always mention ‘your’ kids , like they are nothing to do with him .I would run a mile if I was your partner. He is never going to be happy while he is stuck with you and your mother !

You and him are not compatible.
One of my closest friends was/is very close to her Mum, her dad died when she was a child.
Her husband was fully aware that Mum would always be there.

Your relationship with your mum is up to you. He shouldn't be giving you the silent treatment to get what he wants that's not on.

I think what sticks out for me is you stating that other people can't be as close to their mothers because they don't communicate with them numerous times a day!
I don't agree I think sometimes the closer you are to people the less you need to constantly be in contact with them as you know the relationship is secure and constant contact isn't needed to prove it.
You can't say that others aren't as close to their mums because their relationship isn't exactly the same as yours.. there are different ways to be close and show love and constant messages and phone calls do not have the monopoly on love.

Your Mum needs to get her own life.

How old is she? You say you are 30 so I assume she's mid-50s (maybe even younger?)

This is not normal behaviour. You said in other posts that your parents brought you up to be independent. But you aren't. You are constantly in touch with your mum at an unhealthy level.

Do you imagine that all young women talk to their mum this much? You appear to lack perspective. And what it's doing to your relationship.

It's not clear who started this constant contact, but it comes over as obsessive and addictive behaviour (by both of you.)

Her relationship with her mum is up to her, yes. But when it impacts on the relationship with a partner or husband, to the extent it is, he has to right to voice his concerns and walk away.

She seems more married to her mum than the man in her life. I'm amazed he's still with her. If this was me, and a partner a doing this, I'd have left a long time ago.

I think what sticks out for me is you stating that other people can't be as close to their mothers because they don't communicate with them numerous times a day!

I totally agree with this ^^

Your don't need to be in constant contact with someone to prove that you love them.

I love DD. I would lay down my life for her, but I don't message her several times aday. It is unhealthy.

See, that would be a passion killer for me .