Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

[Rosieposey91]

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

This is the ironic part of all this.

Family is so important to the OP
She’s so family- oriented that she won’t even try to change to keep her kids’ nuclear family intact

What a joke

Sorry for the partner , and the kids who will be packing their suitcases to live their lives 50:50

You should have just found a sperm donor and had kids with your mother

I've skim- read all your posts @Rosieposey91 and seem to agree with everyone else.

This isn't a healthy relationship with your Mum.

You both appear co-dependent.

As an example, my mum lives hundreds of miles away. I used to speak to her once a week on average. Now, as she's older and widowed, it might be 2-3 times a week.

The amount of contact you have is not good for either of you.

Your partner is right.

I agree with a lot of this he sounds awful.

But given the clear health anxiety in the family, it may be that he is fatigued with it all. I know someone who has health anxiety and all they talk about is the twice they were right and unwell. Not the hundreds of times they have insisted something is wrong when there isn’t.

He could have just been wrong in the case of the daughter. He may have got to the end of his tether with the anxiety and stress when op is pregnant. There was a thread recently, where the Op had huge anxiety and her husband couldn’t take it anymore.

He absolutely shouldn’t be throwing things. But not talking isn’t always abusive. Often people just shut down when they have repeatedly tried to communicate their feelings and needs and it’s completely ignored. The silent treatment can be abusive. It can also be a reaction to being in a relationship with someone who has you at the bottom of the pile and who ignores your needs.

Usually before that stage there’s talking, arguments, bickering etc.

He certainly doesn’t sound like a prince among men, but op said he is pursuing help while she sits there and says she refuses to change anything. Which doesn’t sound great.

I think it’s entirely possible that Op and her mother and him do not know what a healthy relationship actually is.

and no one said she wouldn’t speak to her mum everyday. There’s a huge difference between speaking everyday and what op is doing.

He shouts, broke your son's toy. He doesn't sound great! Is he addressing his temper and changing? If not, personally I'd be out of there.

But why can we both be close. My mum and me. My partner and me. It sounds like your mum really doesn't like or respect your partner. I think it's hard to be very close to two people who really disapprove of each other.

I don't think there are three people in the relationship.

There's two. But the partner isn't either of them.

I honestly think only eastenders will get it.

No, we don't.

It's nothing to do with being a working class family living in the east end.

It's a weird and very unhealthy relationship.

Women who are in a relationship, have two toddlers, and are aged 30, do not speak to their Mum to say Goodnight, every night when they get into bed (with their partner, presumably.)

You need to see this for what it is.

Co-dependency and your mother hasn't had 'that' bad a life.

My mother's dad died when she was 16, her brother (51) and mother died within a year of each other . She nursed her MIL through cancer at our house (giving up her bedroom for her and sleeping in the lounge) shortly before those events.

Stop making excuses. Your mum 9and you) need counselling because if You spilt from your partner, it's likely that another man will not tolerate this set up.

If a man had written what you’ve written everyone here would be calling him a mummy’s boy and advising the woman to leave the relationship. Taking a call in the middle of a movie is batshit, and he must be very frustrated at playing second filled all the time. I would advise him to leave the relationship and advise you to let him go for his sake.

I actually feel sorry for the OP. The mother has fostered this dependency and guilt so the OP thinks it’s normal. I can almost see the mum rubbing her hands with glee that her daughter’s relationship is on the rocks and she can have her baby girl all to herself again.

I've not managed to read all 18 pages, have got about halfway through, so apologies if I'm repeating what others have said.
You said your dad left when you were young and your mum doesn't have a LTR. Also your grandad died young. I wonder if your mum and nan being on their own meant they need to rely on each other more?
You have a partner. You don't sound happy. His responses sound ridiculous and unhealthily jealous, but he may have a bit of a point as it does seem rather intense. I wonder if, assuming you do decide to split, you need to have a think about boundaries in relationships? It does sound rather excessive to be in touch several times a day, including when you get up and when you go to bad. Between you perhaps you could agree what would work?
Or, if you part you need to find someone whose family values align with your own.
Another thing that struck me is it sounds as though, if you don't respond immediately to your mum, she worries (e.g. her lying awake until you say goodnight). By responding in the way you do, it could serve to reinforce her anxiety. It is almost as if you're telling each other you're still alive at the end of each day. I get what you said about your nan, however, you don't live alone - it is perhaps more important she checks in with you rather than you with her?
I am close with my mum and check in with her regularly. She has ill health (has done for 35 years and had to give up work through injury), when I was young I had to help out a lot at home as my dad had an extrmely stressful and consuming working life. When she is going through a bad period, I will contact her more. Mostly by message now, or send her pics etc as my life is too busy with my own family and full time work. I am lucky tho as she doesn't live alone, she has my dad. My sister also lives a little closer to them.

OP, do you realize that your mother raising the alarm in the morning, over a cardiac arrest you might have had the night before, is several hours too late?

You don't seem to understand your alleged health condition.

I speak and text my family lots through the day so I get that, but I’d not keep stopping a film. You need to text that you’ll be busy so we’ll say good night now etc, but pps are right this is actually really about your relationship.

Im glad this thread has clarified things. But do think a bit more about the phone interrupting your relationship in your next relationship. You don’t mind, but this thread shows that many do. You need to create boundaries for when you text/call and you both need to be a bit more flexible about timings when it’s inconvenient.

Fucking hell. He’s hardly a prince amongst men but I can absolutely see why he’s beyond pissed off that this clusterfuck of weird enmeshment and co dependency.

I would run a fucking mile from anyone like this with their parents.

@Rosieposey91 I am extremely close to my mum, speak multiple times a day and live opposite each other. I also have many serious health conditions and what sticks out to me in your posts is when you speak of your health.
Literally anyone can have a cardiac arrest at anytime, obviously being diagnosed with AF etc heightens the risk but medication controls and lessens the probability. I am diabetic and have lost hypo awareness, I have suffered two strokes in the past few months and also have other debilitating illnesses. I get up everyday however and live my life. It seems to me like maybe you and your DM have some health anxiety around your illness which isn't healthy for either of you. My DH works longer hours than me so parents literally have found me crumpled at the bottom of the stairs and my DM is my best friend, she still wouldn't panic if I didn't reply to a text for a couple of hours though because I was watching a film!!!
Also I don't think this is intentional but you're basically telling posters that are trying to help that they couldn't possibly be as close to their children as your are to your mum because they're not from the East End or their kids are boys which is actually really rude!

Bless you. I know logically, it will get better. Just doesn’t feel like it. Just cried my way through blow drying my hair over her.

The bit about hearing her in your head made me laugh. Because I can often hear the same, imagining what she would say. It’s hard times.

OP the title says “I’m open to honest answers…” you’re really not though.

Your relationship with your mother may be normal to you, but that does not make it normal. I love my mother so much, we have an awesome relationship but we also have boundaries, you don’t seem to. If my mum phoned during a film, I wouldn’t answer and she wouldn’t think it was because I was dead (I too have a health condition) she would think I was busy. I’m not on call and neither is she.
The relationship may be fine for you but I’d feel smothered. It’s causing an issue between you and your OH, you either want to fix it or you don’t. I’m sure you, your mum and children can move in together and live happily ever after.

I suffer from ALOT of health problems. Had a cardiac arrest, lung failure and was in a coma for a while a few years ago.

Absolutely no way would I spend my time reassuring people I am alive and well. I refuse to be focused on my health apart from obviously taking care of myself as best I can. I do not owe my mother or anyone else reassurances every night.

This @Rosieposey91 isnt a very healthy way to live your life. Through constantly having to reassure your mother it means you can’t really shut off from it.

It does sound like you’re not happy with your DH, so maybe just end that as it’s not working for either of you.

I’d like to add that an out of hospital cardiac arrest is never going to end well. I’d not waste time texting about being alive, if that’s the risk!

My mother would constantly phone me. It was a control thing and not from a good place. On the outside it would look like we had a great relationship but we didn’t. Phoning each other a lot does not mean it’s a healthy relationship necessarily . Not at all.

he said it’s affecting our relationship

oh dear, what a shame, yes I think you should definitely address this.

Tell him not to let the door hit him on the arse on the way out!

I agree with a previous poster who mentioned phone addiction. This certainly couldn’t have happened a generation ago. It’s not some sort of cultural norm.

The OP says dogmatically that she wants all this contact and ‘it’s not harming anyone’. Even though it’s harming her children’s hope of an intact family.

You’re 30, I had a baby and a two year old at your age so not dissimilar and that was demanding enough without having to deal with the two other children that are your mother and partner. No one, not even yourself is thinking about what is best for you.

OP has said she is not prepared to change the relationship she has with her mother. Which I suppose is her choice, however unhealthy most of the rest of us perceive it to be. What OP can't see is that her choices are going to impact her other relationships because however she cuts it, her partner feels second best to her mum.

What is very sinister is the OP's insistence that her own daughter will be "just the same", and wrapping it all up in a Peggy Mitchell "it's Eastenders, it's what we DO" nonsense.

Didn’t you just say your dad passed?