Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

[Rosieposey91]

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

I don’t think a lot of pp’s understand a close family dynamic.

It is a bit disingenuous to suggest a family isn’t close unless they are constantly texting/calling each other

We are an extremely close family but that comes with respect that each of us will have other priorities at some points of the day

Absolutely. I worry a lot how dependent my 18y girl is in me for emotional support. I am gently trying to encourage resilience and other coping strategies. That’s my duty as a good mum. She knows I am behind her 100% but she needs to be able to cope without me too.

Exactly.

This level of “closeness” is not healthy for anyone.

If a woman posted this thread, saying her dh was the op in this situation there would be a unanimous leave him.

I don’t think some people understand that a close family dynamic doesn’t have to involve speaking to someone multiple times a day, every day.
I am extremely close to my mum. She is on her own, and my brother died. Our closeness isn’t defined by how often we speak on the phone though.

OP you've mentioned a few times that your partner is very rigid and not willing to make changes but can't you see that you're this way as well?

I think the two of you are unsuited and that he is likely verging on abusive with his sulking.

With a different partner, you might find he’d ask you to tone things down a bit with your mum. For example, I think you should switch your phone to silent and ignore it if you’re watching a film and you know your mum will ring. But a good partner would persuade you to do that in a kind and respectful way.

It’s not a sign of a healthy close relationship to be this enmeshed. it’s pointing to tricky attachment issues. A health parental attachment creates an internal model of security which can be drawn on by their child instead of actual real world contact with the parent. It’s what allows the person to grow a healthy internal life.
This internal model should sustain through grief, illness, relationships etc. it should certainly last longer than the duration of a film!
Please consider seeing a therapist to give your kids a chance of you having some conscious choices at least about how you’d like to parent them and how you’d like their relationships with others to be. Just now things are not healthy for you all.

I wish people would stop saying that people who don’t agree with the op simply don’t understand. It’s so condescending. We just simply disagree.

I come from a Huge Irish family on one side and a huge Indian family on the other. I understand close family.

But also given the way the Op keeps changing her story, I feel she isn’t being honest. It’s not really about close family. It’s about Ops unhealthy relationships.

I imagine her Dp might be an arse. But I also imagine the Op may be leaving huge bits out that may explain some of his behaviourS it would be interesting to see his view. Especially since she wants him to get help and change but has no intention of changing anything herself. That’s a red flag.

Her Dp complains that after she spoke to her mum to say goodnight, she texts her. He complains while she is doing it. But also she has to text her mum once she is in bed because she is at huge risk of having cardiac arrest from walking up the stairs. She must text her mum, because her partner is in bed before her and wouldn’t hear her fall down the stairs or shouting or any of it. So he is fast asleep but also awake complaining that she is texting.I appreaciate he may be awake some nights and not others. But Op says she must do this every night because he is asleep and wouldn’t hear her. That suggests he is asleep 99% of the time. A text to her mother, read hours later, isn’t going to save her. Her mother could work on the basis that if something did happen she would get a call in the middle of the night. If she doesn’t hear anything its all good.

She texts her mum so that if her mum wakes in the middle of the night, she knows she got to bed safe. Because op is at risk of cardiac arrest only from stairs apparently. If her risk of cardiac arrest is so high and it’s not just stairs that are the risk, it could happen at any point after she text her mum. So the middle of the night text isn’t doing anything.

Op says a lot of this is due to both of them losing someone, but then says it’s not anxiety led and that her mother and grandmother did the same. Which when there was only land lines, must have been even worse.

Op says it increased with her health problems, but also that they have always been like this and she fully expects her daughter to enjoy doing the same thing. Why if it’s down to health problems? Why does she expect her daughter to enjoy doing this and her son not?

Op then says she does this entirely out of choice and enjoyment, which doesn’t match all the ‘I need to do this because of my health problems’. Why would she plan what her toddler daughter will enjoy when she is an adult. And why is the expectation not there for a son if it’s based on doing it if you enjoy it?

So many contradictions, it’s reads like someone who knows deep down they are (at least) partially wrong. And keeps changing the goal posts to get peoples agreement.

Are you going to expect this level of closeness and contact with your own children once they are grown up? Since you said your mum was like this with her mum, is this what you expect will happen with your kids? And how would you feel if they didn’t want that?

The answers to those questions could be interesting for you.

Absolutely. We’re only hearing one version of events but the OP keeps insisting her partner has to change and compromise but she’s not willing to budge an inch

Theres definitely 3 people in this relationship and it’s very unhealthy.

And btw I’m from Stratford and I don’t understand the dynamic at all

I think this type of close relationship with one or both parents is quite normal for some people. I don't think it's a healthy or mature, and I think it would claustrophobic and detrimental in the extreme to a normal, mature, adult, sexual relationship with a partner. I'm unsure who is controlling in this relationship, other than I am confident it's not the partner.

At some point a mother has to allow and encourage an adult daughter an emotionally independent life, and if they're not mature enough to grab it for themselves have the maturity to give them the push.

OP, it's time to start adulting and have a normal adult relationship with your partner that doesn't require it to take second place to your ongoing childhood.

I am very close to my adult children.
We speak on the phone about once a week.

If the OP is at risk of a cardiac arrest she should ask about getting a mini defibrillator inserted into her heart by a cardiac surgeon.

Or a pacemaker. Or whatever.

In any case, if she's at that much risk, her bedroom should be downstairs, or she should get a stairlift.

I've made the mistake of reading the whole thread and all I can say is OP I would have dumped you a long time ago, everything's about you or your mum, you have no consideration for your partner at all.

Go and see a therapist.

@Rosieposey91 I too live with a serious underlying health condition which could ‘get me’ at any time.

I am also a mum, and am close to both my parents. I am also very independent, and am raising my DC to be independent, confident and self-assured. Quite simply, I don’t know what my life expectancy is - there are no guarantees I will reach retirement age. I don’t want my DC to miss me when I am gone, I want to give them all the skills to live happy and fulfilled lives in which their memories of me make them smile, rather than consume their heart with overwhelming loss and grief.

Focusing purely on the level and type of communication between you and your DM, there is a lot of codependency and an awful amount of health anxiety - if you don’t answer your phone, your DM may fear the worse and then call your DP? This is not rational and is very intrusive.

Whilst on the one hand, your closeness with your DM could be celebrated, my fear is how you’ll both cope when the other is no longer around? It’s clear that some of the topics of conversations (what shoes to wear with an outfit) are a smokescreen for making sure you’re okay. It’s entirely reasonable to see how this would affect your DP. If your health condition is so serious that a heart attack is imminent, I assume you are wearing an alarm? This should give your mum comfort that in the event of a fall (or worse), your mum would be contacted as your NOK.

@Rosieposey91 I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have boundaries in place with regards to your mum. She needs to be respectful of your family life, the needs of your DC and DP. Only you know if your relationship with your DP can be repaired and it’s not fair to heap all the blame on his behaviours. I for one would not tolerate a text to a parent to wish them goodnight from
the ‘marital’ bed - that should be a place of solace, love and unity for you and DP (unless by mutual consent you invite the kids in for a morning cuddle 🥰)

Try to live your life with acceptance of your condition, not fear. Reduce your anxiety and see your OCD lessen. Seek therapy to deal with the adjustment to your life if necessary. I speak from a place of empathy.

OP is telling that to her Mum and the mum still rings before the end of the film, so there is no control over the volume an d timing of the conversations ... But OP also is also happy to have her mother ring at all times and have zero boundaries.

It doesn't have to involve speaking everyday, but it's not a problem if it does.

I think a lot of people on here don't understand abusive relationship dynamics. OPs partner is clearly abusive - sulking and stonewalling, throwing things, short tempered, not letting OP take their daughter to the doctors, telling OP she was making a fuss when she was pregnant and when she was having an anxiety attack. I'm sure that's just the tip of the iceberg too. A classic move of an abusive partner is to try and isolate their partner from their family.

OPs mum has seen her partner for who he is and people like him hate that. His hope will be that if he can take away their closeness he can keep pulling the wool over OPs eyes.

I hope you manage to get away from him OP. In the meantime, don't let him spoil your relationship with your mum.

My husband speaks to his mum every day. It makes them both happy. I wouldn't want to take that away from either of them.

Your relationship with your mum sounds a bit enmeshed. Close relationship with a parent is fine, but this seems a bit unhealthy. These patterns are usually formed in childhood, often when the partner is unavailable so the child becomes the companion and confidant. I think it would be good to set some boundaries. I worked with clients who have had these types of relationships with mothers and after they passed away clients really struggled.

I don’t think a lot of pp’s understand a close family dynamic

No, we understand. We just don’t agree and that’s what annoys you. Loving someone means respecting their own family time and the importance of that in addition to parent relationships. Would you insist on coming on your kids honeymoon with them for example? Well that’s an example of a healthy boundary. Maybe you don’t understand the importance of raising children to be resilient and not to be so reliant on their parents they are incapable of reaching emotional maturity.

You're mum sounds very dependent and maybe there is codependency going on. Several phone calls a day? A phone call and text every night before bed? Wayyy to much and I say this as someone who was very close to my mum and spoke to her on the phone (once) nearly every day.

If you read back your posts but swapped "mum" for "DH" and vice versa, people would be screaming abuse, control and red flags!

You admit you prefer your mums company to your DH. I think you need to make a choice before your DH makes it for you.

*my partner is a jealous type

He will sit there sulking*

It doesn't really matter what he is objecting to. Just don't waste your life with anyone who cannot 'use their words' to express their dissatisfaction and thinks sulking will achieve their ends.

You are actually even asking yourself whether you should change in response.

Just don't. Throw him overboard.

Find someone mature enough to discuss any issues that arise between you without resorting to toddler sulking behaviours. Good luck

You're lucky to have such a close relationship with your mum. You can conduct that relationship any way you please. It's a shame that your partner doesn't take part in the lovefest - there is a world in which he would just chime in with a "hello, love" when she calls rather than rolling his eyes, but he's not that person. Given that he isn't you do need to find a compromise. Can't you call your mum to say goodnight before you start the film? It's just a new routine, but you'd soon get used to it. I live alone and never feel lonely apart from that moment just before I go to bed. I think it's got something to do with a subconscious fear of being alone if someone broke in. I would love to have a daughter to say goodnight to every day, it would be tremendously reassuring and make me feel that I wasn't alone. I hope you are able to find a solution that means you are able to enjoy both relationships.

When you have an abusive partner, it's entirely fair to blame them for the relationship not being good. There is no possible way to behave that would make an abusive relationship good.

In fact, saying that the abusive partner is not entirely to blame makes it more likely that the victim won't leave as it will play right into the abusers hands.

As the parent of a 14 yo teen with a medical condition, which could be very serious if triggered, I do not find this level of contact ‘completely normal’. I absolutely hate that my dd could die in certain circumstances if not properly looked after once the medical condition is triggered. It’s terribly frightening. But as a mother, I have to put my anxiety to the side for her sakes. She has to be allowed to become an independent adult.

If you are happy to have this much contact, it’s fine. But my dd would not be. She definitely is not being brought up to be a people pleaser. I wouldn’t inflict that on her having been very much trained to be one from very young. I also wouldn’t want her to worry about me that much either… myself being someone, who is really not well.

If I were him, I would be off, there are three people in your relationship. I can’t imagine providing my parent with a running commentary of life to the extent she even knows you are watching a film, never mind her not caring about waiting until it is over.

I think you can continue your relationship with your mother as you see fit, but it probably will be to the detriment of other relationships.

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread about your health problems. It makes even more sense that you and your mother are so close, but I think it's OK to e the way you are together even if you didn't have a health problem. A lot of people haven't experienced that degree of closeness with their parent so will find it all a bit odd but I really don't.