Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

[Rosieposey91]

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

Jesus Christ.

End your relationship and do not start another one. You have the cheek to call I'm abusive for not being okay with this. Your behaviour is not normal.

This

I’m extremely close to my mum and would say she is my best friend (we even live on the same street) but this level of dependency is insane, OP. If this was a man and he was speaking to his parent mid-film or mid-date night then texting them when he got into bed every night, it would be icky and you’d be telling him to grow up and create some healthy boundaries!

This will be so impactful on any prospective partner who attempts to enter your life, when you inevitably split up from your current partner. What on earth will you do when she passes and you have remained so heavily reliant on her emotionally and destroyed all romantic relationships along the way because of her? Nobody should want to put their child in that position.

He’s right. You’re acting like a baby, it’s weird and it’s affecting your relationship. It’s not normal or healthy in any way to have this kind of relationship with your mum. Preschoolers get trained out of this fgs. Grow up.

Op honestly it sounds oppressive and suffocating and your expectations around what sort of relationship you intend to impose upon your children makes me think they will either run screaming or end up being as unhealthily co-dependant as you are. I do think it is unhealthy. Your partner does not sound like a great catch anyway and you are clearly so mismatched, but I do think the intensity of your relationship with your mother is severely limiting. I am not sure what your fixation on being from the east end means either. I am from a culture where families are close and mothers are legendarily close to their children, but even I think this is unhealthy. And preventing you from engaging with life generally (not just with partners) in an adult way.

It's great you love and adore your mum. But this is manifesting in such an odd way. It sounds like you both need to gain some independence.

To me, both your relationships sound dysfunctional.

You allude to trauma. It sounds to me as if you and your mum would both benefit from some trauma therapy. You seem on extremely high alert about each other. That is exhausting and unhealthy.

Nobody should want to put their child in that position

I think this is key. Most of us encourage our children to be independent, capable adults because we recognise that over reliance on a parent will cause huge problems with their ability to cope with life when the parents inevitably die. Smothering someone is not a "loving" act at all, its completely and utterly self serving because the person needs you to be reliant on them for their own self worth and to fill a gaping hole in their life. You can still adore your parents, be close to them and have a great bond without this kind of unhealthy codependency.

If you really love someone, you want to empower them and equip them with the tools they need to thrive in life, not make them completely reliant on you to the point its ruining their relationship. That is not love, its control.

This

You come on a forum and ask for opinions and when you get them, you tell people you’re not interested as they’re not the same culture and it’s all about being an ‘eastender’. Rude. Your relationship with your mum might suit you but I can’t imagine any partner putting up with it. My mum is dead but my dh video calls his widowed mum every day as she’s elderly and frail and it’s lovely that he do so. But it would do his head in if she were calling constantly and wanting him to drop whatever he was doing and focus on speaking to her the instant she calls. Your partner has had years of this so no wonder he huffs and puffs about it.

I think any partner would find your codependent relationship with your mum extremely irritating.

yes, it’s nice that you’re close but the level of contact and interaction is totally ott and weird. You’re supposed to be an independent adult by this stage. You need to set some healthy boundaries and grow up if you want a successful adult relationship.

OP, are you an only child? If not, do your siblings do this too?

My advice to my son is if a woman ever describes her mum as her best friend, run. I’ve seen this type of mother/daughter relationship a few times and it’s always negatively impacted romantic relationships. It’s unhealthy

I haven’t read the full thread but I really can’t get my head around this.

You text your mum to let her know you’re in bed even though you know she’s asleep?! Why?

It sounds like you and your mum are dependent on each other to a very, very unhealthy extreme.

I can absolutely see why your partner is feeling the way he is.

And as for bad mouthing him to your 3 year old and then letting her pass your comments on to your mother? Sorry, but that is really unacceptable.

You are putting your mother above your family and that speaks volumes.

I don't meant to be harsh OP, but you have asked whether YABU, people are saying in your opinion that you are, and then you are getting defensive. If you don't want people's opinions then don't ask.

IMO, your contact with your Mum is excessive. I speak to my Mum most days either by text or by phone. I don't need to say good morning and good night every day, and I do find that a bit much. I don't need to answer my phone when I am doing something with DH, it can wait until afterwards.

It's not necessarily the contact your DP is complaining about, but feeling second best. Or, let's face it, 4th in the pecking order after your children and your Mum. He probably want to feel 1st once in a while.

It's lovely that you have such a close relationship with your Mum, and I certainly understand feeling like she is a best friend as well as a parent. But I do think you need to take a bit of a step back from her towards your partner.

As a side note, some of the things you have said about him are concerning, so I think there is work to do there too.

Interesting how big the health issue has become on this thread as the OP has not got the answers she wants.

OP there is no psychological space for a partner in your life. A therapist would have a field day analysing the fact you keep your son in your bed and are calling/texting your mum from your bed at night and first thing in the morning. No room for a partner there.

This relationship will end and your mum will have got what she wants.

You are too brainwashed by her and your culture to see how harmful this is.

I am from a very different culture and religion and I am sick to death of people from my community defending shit practices in the name of ‘culture’. If it’s bad, it’s bad, whatever culture it’s from.

This isn't a close relationship with your mum, it's co-dependent. Loads of us are extremely close to our parents, I love my mum and dad to bits and we speak every day but at a set time for a phone call. Your partner doesn't sound right for you but I can also see why he's irritated by this.

You've clearly not matured emotionally and I agree that your mother has never modelled a healthy, supportive relationship with boundaries so I suppose how can you? What's more concerning is your sexist stereotyping and the expectations you're already placing on your young children. It's controlling and if they find you suffocating in years to come then it'll be your own doing.

Your relationship with your partner doesn't sound great. Neither does the one you have with your mother.

I read your post and agreed with you until you said she phones on the middle of films etc and you answer.

I’ve read some updates and he sounds abusive and a little controlling but on the other hand, I think your constant contact with your mum sounds a bit weird. If my DH was taking calls from his mum in the middle of a film, it would drive me up the wall.

My DM passed away, but if she text me or sung me, I certainly wouldn’t answer if it wasn’t convenient. I certainly never spoke to her and text her several times a day. I mean as a grown up, who on Earth sends their child/parent a goodnight text?? I’m all for close relationships but yours sounds really intrusive and I think you need to find a better balance.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Hand shuffle 😂😂😂😂

That made me laugh!!

I bet she’d still answer her phone whilst shuffling if her mother called 😂

@Rosieposey91 I have a big family OP.
Someone is always ringing during the evening. My dh family rarely ring.
The difference is my dh accepts that I may/will get lots of calls especially as I have elderly parents.

I don’t think a lot of pp’s understand a close family dynamic.
If dh and I are watching a film I just quickly message that I’ll ring the caller later.
Sometimes dh will say that we never get a minute of peace but he would never make an issue of it because he loves my family too.

(and you forgot to include the part where they keep telling each other they love each other).

It's not a mother's job to be her daughter's 'best friend'. It's her job to make her adult daughter fit to survive in the world without her. I love my daughters very much, and I am completely here if they need me, but phoning every day would be like me saying that I don't trust them to get on with life.

And one day I won't be here. I want them to have healthy loving relationships so that they have someone when I'm gone. So I think your mother needs to trust you to contact her if you need her, and if you're quiet she should know you're having a good time, not use you to assuage her raging boredom.

He isn't annoyed he sends a text to your mother to say you are in bed. It is one thing on a long list of things that makes him annoyed regarding your relationship with his mam. The text on top of the other text on top of the four phone calls pone that interrupted a convo ye were having or a film ye were watching. It's a lot.

I think you should consider what you actually want to change, what compromises you want to make as others have said. But it seems you don't actually want to make any because you don't see what you are doing is OTT and are not happy with your partner. Leave him. Staying together for children isn't actually doing them good in the long run.

And side note, if your partner had this level of a relationship with his parents ye would never have time for each other.

OP does your mum also have this health condition, and does your daughter have it? Because as this thread has gone on you’ve used the danger of your condition to justify the level of contact. You said near the start your mum had this relationship with her own mum, and you’d want the same with your daughter. The condition is a red herring. It’s unhealthy

I don’t think a lot of pp’s understand a close family dynamic.
If dh and I are watching a film I just quickly message that I’ll ring the caller later.

Well that's a different close family dynamic to the OP then. She has specifically said she won't text her mum to say that they're watching a film and therefore she can't talk - someone suggested it and she said no she can't do that.