Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

[Rosieposey91]

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

Sounds like you need to leave your husband but also learn to be a bit more independent or it’s going to affect future relationships.

Reminds me of DHs SIL. She has that sort of relationship with her mother. Her DC are now NC with her as they found it suffocating and she tried to have the same relationship with them and couldn't accept them prioritising yheir partners. BIL is a workaholic and I've always wondered whether it's his escape route.

I couldn’t be with a man who behaves like your partner. He sounds awful; the jealousy and sulking would be enough for me to end the relationship. So many red flags from your initial post and the controlling behaviour will only get worse.

The thing I’ve found most amusing about this thread is the insistence that being close to your family is an east end thing. Anyone else growling “family” in a Phil Mitchell style voice? 😁

fwiw op I think your relationship with your mom sounds great. For you. Not so much for your DP - it would do my head in and I speak as someone who talks to my mom daily and is very close to my family (despite not being an east ender!).

Why would you even be checking your phone while watching a film? Just ring her back after it.

Regardless, this isn’t going to work out. He’s calling you weird and trying to control you.

perhaps a therapist could help you unpick the effect that a mother who demands to be in constant contact with her adult daughter has had on your choice of partner?

My DH was like this with MIL. It has caused issues through out our marriage and she passed recently and it's caused a hell of a shit show and he's having tons of counselling that will take years to unpick. I am angry i wasted so many years being second best to mil and resentful it's left a hill to climb with us. You need help and so does he

I think this response is a perfect example of why that poster was correct!

To add something, I was extremely close to my Mum (my dad was working away 7/8months at a time, so often not around).
We used to call each other daily, or messaged on messenger.
However even to me it seems your relationship is excessive.

And for me this stopped when I met my partner. We still were in touch but not in the same way and we b oth understood the relationship needs to change.
You are unhappy in your relationship which I think pushes you even more into the contact with your mum, but it is not healthy nor that normal. It's not even about girsl/boys (as there are men who also have overbearing relationships with mothers)- please do nto replicate this with your daughter.

I would say a therapy for you would be really important, and taking a step back definitely from your relationship with your abusive partner, but also limiting the phonecalls from your Mum and focusing on something else.

You are allowing your relationship with your mother to negatively impact your relationship with your partner, a choice you seem happy with, as you are eastenders. That does not justify allowing someone, anyone, to intentionally drive a wedge between you and your partner.

If you imagine having the same relationship with your children when they are adults, you may be sorely disappointed when they come to realise their parents broke up because their mother wouldn't put their father (and by association, them too) first over their grandmother. You may think you're modeling a close bond for your kids to follow, but you may also be pushing them away.

You sound like an inattentive, controlling, dismissive, ungrateful partner. Your children will see that side of you.

Op has already said that she would expect this to continue with her own daughter. But not her son.

Which is actually a real concern. She is already setting the kids out on a path of what she wants for their adult relationships and her relationship with them, based on their sex.

People are quick to say leave him when they wouldn't like to be treated that way.

All relationships need boundaries, if she's phoning you during a film, can't blame him for wanting to watch a film in peace.

Cheryl Cole had trouble with relationships as apparently her mum was too involved.
Always together snuggling up on the sofa whilst her partner sat separately.

It's not healthy and doesn't mean he's saying go N.C
It's possible to respect your mum and have her respect your relationship.

Wow, some of the contradictory stuff the OP has written is really quite bizarre as for telling people if you don’t ring your mother constantly you don’t have a close relationship with her. Bonkers. You might be an ‘eastender’ but still does not mean it’s not a suffocating and overly co-dependant relationship. Sounds like you have never really left home and are still most definitely ‘a child’. If I were your partner it would annoy me too.

I'd find that a bit much, and very intrusive.

Keep doing what you are doing as you clearly have no intention of changing. Very many adult women on here who love their mums dearly think this is all very odd.

But you don’t want any other views. That’s fine but don’t bother asking for opinions next time. You have been pretty rude to people who have tried to help .

It’s not kind to call people ‘thick’ . Grow up.

I don't really understand the health aspect of this.

You said this level of contact is more normal because of your health - so did it only start after your diagnosis?

If there is really a risk that you will pass out or have a cardiac arrest walking up the stairs, then regardless of your relationship with your mum, do you have some sort of alarm? That would probably be better than relying on someone who is asleep waking up later in the night, checking their phone, and realising you've not texted. It also means that if you get up after you text your mum (because you've forgotten something downstairs etc) there's still a way to raise the alarm, because in this scenario currently she wouldn't know you'd gone back downstairs. It might relieve some of her anxiety generally as well because at the moment it sounds like she feels fully responsible for checking on you and making sure you are ok, which must be stressful for her.

Op you can't be for real surely? This is possibly one of the weirdest things I've read on here!

This thread is a therapists dream.

OP why did you have 2 kids with this guy as it sounds like you absolutely despise him? Considering one is a baby and the other is a toddler it couldn’t have been that long ago that you thought he was the one for you to the extent that you’d have a second child with him.

i feel sorry for the guy to be honest. He’s probably resorting to the silent treatment and leaving the room as an equally unhealthy coping mechanism because he probably feels like he’s living in a madhouse.

I am an Eastender, however I am not like that with my mum and years ago I had a partner who was like that with his mum and it drove me to distraction tbh.
We couldn’t get through a day without them ringing each other, if I tried to ring him I would know the phone would be engaged and it would be to his mum.
I felt very second best all the time because with everything his mum was just hovering on the periphery.

My daughter is about to leave for university and it breaks my heart as we are unbelievably close. But my responsibility as a good parent is to ‘set her free’. Let her start life without obligations and a duty to check on me and call and text before bed every night.

i will alway want to hear from her. But no way am I going to stifle her adult life by constantly calling her during the day and expect texts every night. I want her to grow as a person and to have friends and boyfriends without my interference. She knows I am always always there for her.

Does your mum know her input is affecting your relationship?? If she loves you as much as you say she does, surely she is mortified? Surely she wants to cut down contact to allow you to work on your relationship? That’s what a true loving mum would do surely?

The other stuff about his temper is a separate issue and I would not tolerate that.

Maybe ask your mum to text you before calling asking if it is a convenient time or have a set evening call time of say 6pm so that you can start your film after your call. If you can't talk then then give her an eta for when you will be available. I can understand his frustration if this is every single day as never getting through a film uninterrupted would drive me batty but there has to be an element of compromise on both your parts. You agree to put in some boundaries with your mum, he stops being a sulky man child

You have a weird definition of close. I could say I don’t think you are close as your mum doesn’t care she is spoiling your relationship. I love my kids enough not to put myself above their relationships.

If I was dating someone who was this enmeshed with their mother I would find it incredibly uncomfortable.

But because of that, I would never have let the relationship progress to the point of us living together and having multiple children.

I actually think your partners requests are incredibly reasonable and I think he's been amazingly patient to put up with it for so long - but he also knew what your relationship with your mum was like and shouldn't expect you to change that for him.

Agree.

I understand you wouldn’t do that with your sons, but daughters are different. I wouldn’t expect my son to want to text me good night and good morning but I know my daughter will most likely want to. It is a different relationship although I am equally as close to both my babies, a daughter is naturally more close to their mum in that way

This is absolute garbage. You certainly dont know that your daughter "will most likely want to" be texting and calling you 20 times a day. Its normal for children to grow up and forge their own lives without feeling beholden to be texting/calling their mothers excessively. If this is what you are expecting of her (and only her) you are in for one almighty shock I'm afraid. When she is at university or out with her friends you'll be expecting her to be texting you goos morning and goodnight every single day? thats a horrible and obsessive burden to place on a teenager and what about your poor son?- I guess it doesnt matter if he's safe or ok right? only your daughter.

Bloody hell. You couldnt make this shit up.

I would work on some boundaries with your relationship with your mum anyway, because this will help to keep your relationship healthy and not lead to resentment.
But also sack the fella off he sounds like bad news.