Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

[Rosieposey91]

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

That"s a bit rubbish tbh, OP needs to find herself outwith any random partner she's with. It's only through finding yourself that you can find a proper partner (imo anyway)

I actually think the OP isn't in a relationship with a decent man because of her relationship with her mum. If she's never witnessed women in her family be with men who meet their emotional needs, and are lovely, supportive partners (so they don't need to rely on their children) - how would she know what a good man/good relationship looks like?

And by this token she too doesn't know how to be a good, compromising romantic partner because she's never witnessed her mum do this with a man. How would she know how to be the sort of partner "a decent man" would want to commit too? If she's emotionally unavailable for a romantic relationship because of her mum, she will only attract the arseholes or equally emotionally unavailable men. No man who could be a great partner wants to be part of a throuple - especially if he is close to his own family, he will understand what OP and her mum have is codependent and unhealthy compared to what he has.

This is a really great, insightful post.

Me and my married daughter are very close but I would never interfere in her marriage like this. If we're chatting she will tell me she is off to watch a movie with her DH. Their time together as a couple of very important too.

Maybe you need to ring fence the evening as partner time and speak to your mother other times? My daughter also has medical conditions but I know she is with her DH who would let me know if there were any serious issues arise.

I understand you wouldn’t do that with your sons, but daughters are different. I wouldn’t expect my son to want to text me good night and good morning but I know my daughter will most likely want to. It is a different relationship although I am equally as close to both my babies, a daughter is naturally more close to their mum in that way.

Dont know where to start with any of that. My kids range young adult to adult and there is no standard that daughters/mums act in different ways to sons/mums do. While I love all my kids equally, I’m closer to some than others simply due to personality, interests etc. While I love my daughter dearly, and she I, we don’t have much in common at all apart from vaginas, I’m definitely closer to some sons and would spend a lot more time with them due to common interests (be that hobbies, sports, music, tv shoes etc). I know many people the same.

Nothing like general gender stereotyping though. Would have been different if you confined it to the relationship you and your mum have but you have made broad sweeping statements that are generalised which is bullshit. In other news not all females wear pink and not all males wear blue🙄.

This statement pretty much sums up your whole issue.

You don't see what you're doing as a problem at all, to the point where you're ignoring and dismissing the majority of the replies in the thread all saying "it's a problem" and calling them rude, thick and ignorant. You asked people what they thought and they told you - you don't like their answers, so you lash out.

Then to top it all off, you say that if your partner tries really really hard to change for you, then maybe you might finally respect him enough to call your mum a little less.

Like other people said, his relationship is over and he doesn't realise it yet. Do the decent thing and let him go.

I think both him and your mum seem controlling and possessive, dump him and seek therapy for emotional attachment problems with your mum and start distancing yourself. It seems from what you have said it is more her than you, you need to start putting boundaries in place now or it will affect further relationships.

To follow on: You've already got exactly what you needed from your husband, which is a couple of kids who hate him but love you that you can be unhealthily enmeshed with after your mum is gone. He's surplus to requirements now.

Op you said earlier the contact isn’t really about her or your anxiety. It’s about closeness. But it’s really obvious it’s about both of your anxieties.

She wouldn’t be able to sleep if she wakes in the middle of the night and there’s no text saying you got to bed safe as there’s a risk you could have a cardiac arrest. How many times has that actually happened? And if that happened, how would it have helped you? How you partner knows you are texting your mum when he is asleep, I don’t quite get.

If there is a real risk you could have a cardiac arrest going up the stairs, do you have a personal alarm to alert your partner? There’s other thing that can be put in place. And (god forbid) something did happen, she would likely to be alerted earlier than her waking up in the middle of the night.

You have OCD and anxiety around her dying. So it’s feeding yours as well.

But the most worrying thing is that you will expect this from your daughter as a sign that you are close. My family is Irish on my mums side and Indian on my Dads. I know what close family is. The constant contact isn’t proof that you are super close. Her feeling obliged to be in contact far more than her brother to prove closeness and that you have this expectation already is worrying and it’s really unfair. It’s also likely to cause some huge resentment between your children. That you expectations of them are so different based on their sex, isn’t ok.

Texting good morning and good night isn’t proof that you are closer to your mum than others are to theirs. It’s proof you are both anxious people and need this to be able to go about your day or even sleep. It’s actually proves nothing about closeness.

I don’t know what the solution is. I do suspect Pp is right. The relationship with your mother hasn’t shown you what a good romantic partnership.

Sorry but your reply is irrelevant to me. You are clearly from a completely different culture / upbringing. So I do not care for your opinion

only eastenders would understand

I think you need to leave your man and your mum and experience life outside the East End of London.

If you plan to watch a movie with your partner, it's disrespectful to make a habit of stopping the movie at whatever random point your mother decides to call. It prevents him from enjoying the movie, tells him that the activity you're doing with him is not as important as answering your mother's trivial questions, and tells him that you don't care about his time. It's controlling on your part.

I am also not impressed by your mother's need to consult you over trivial questions like what shoes to wear to go out, and by her expectation that you will drop whatever you are doing with your partner to talk to her about things that are actually not emergencies. This suggests to me that your mother thinks she should come before your partner. I am wondering how your mother expects you to form a stable partner bond when she keeps intruding on your time with your partner.

Your posts here give the strong impression that your primary partner is your mother. The father of your children is secondary to that and it gives the impression that your relationship with him is conditional upon him accepting he comes second to your mother.

I don't know if he's abusive as you suggest but his wanting to watch a movie without you allowing regular interruptions by your mother, is not a sign of him being abusive. If you do think he is abusive then I am not sure why you are still with him.

Best friends as well as mother and daughter

IMO you can be friends with your mother but I don’t think it’s healthy for a parent to be their child’s best friend. They have a completely different relationship with you as.a parent and when you think about all the people you have friendships with through education, work and possibly parenthood to still have an almost incestuous relationship with your parent still is quite sad. I love my mother and my daughter but my mum’s role as was mine is to raise our daughters to be independent women. If my daughter was codependent then I would feel like I had failed.
Your heading states you are open to honest answers but reading your responses I don’t think you are.
Not that I think it’s relevant I’m from east London, Stratford to be precise.

This post is spot on and cuts to the heart of this issue I think.

Your partner is self centred and controlling, your mum is way overinvested in your life. Sound slike a nightmare on both ends and you are unable to set up boundaries.

I haven't read the whole thread (a bit long), several things has stood out : his jealousy, short temper, sulking. Get rid. You can do better. Perhaps your mother is right not to like him. I wouldn't.

Hi OP, a close relationship with your mum is fine. I wouldn't change that.
Her calling during a film, that's easy to stop - let her know you're watching a film or say you'll be unavailable until xyz time so pls don't call or better still I'll call you later as we're busy. You can then be in controlled of the time you'll speak. BUT don't not speak to your mum because you're partner doesn't like it.

Your relationship with your mum seems over the top and not healthy. Once a day call is enough; maybe a message to say good night. I would worry you could not survive without each other.

Your partner seems in-matured and controlling.

I think you need some therapy to loosen the apron string with your mum. Does your mum have a partner? A life outside of you?

I'm very concerned about the kind of pattern you are creating for your own children to grow into as adults. You are setting in stone relationship stereotypes (ie mother/daughter) that they will accept as gospel and adhere to to the detriment of their own adult relationships. Scary stuff.

I agree she is getting it from both sides.

What I find odd is that she is willing to allow his other behaviours. She is still there. Him accepting how she and her mother are, is the deal breaker. Which I find completely bizarre. This is where she is putting her foot down with him.

and yes, it’s more the sense of obligation and the ‘if I don’t tell her I am in bed she will think I am dead on the stairs’ that makes this different.

My mum died (she was the Irish one) it’s been devastating. It’s broke me and changed who I am. We were incredibly close. But, like you, it’s a social thing. Not a ‘I need to call mum or she will think I am dead’. I will speak to my dad most days. But not to ease anxiety and because I am obliged to. Yesterday the conversation was him asking if I tried the bread he made and me asking what’s the best weed killer over text. Neither would be panicking if we hadn’t spoke to the other. No one feels sad or displaced if we don’t.

So he’s sought help but you haven’t, because ultimately you and your mum don’t like him and you’re so enmeshed in this fucked up dynamic that feels nice for you, that you can’t recognise the impact you’re having on anyone else (or don’t care). He’s currently the bottom of any list of priorities, which feels fine for you now because you don’t have any respect for him. What about when your kids are older and their needs change? Who will you prioritise then? Or will you expect them to bend to the cult of ‘mum’?

There are a lot of very odd assumptions/stereotypes in your post OP. You say a woman's relationship with her mother is "different" to man's and therefore its normal for men not to contact their mothers often, but then you say you wish your partner contacted his parents more! Why?- according to you, thats "normal" for a man. You also keep mentioning being from the East end but I dont understand why that means your mother has to ring you multiple times a day, or its impossible for you to have boundaries, as if only people in the east end are close to their parents. Do you have kids of both genders?- will you expect your son to hardly contact you at all but your daughter to be ringing you 10 times a day when grown up? I dont get these weird, rigid expectations based solely on gender- they're harmful.

I think its lovely you have a close relationship with your mum but its also not unreasonable to expect her to respect your own family time. Compromise is certainly possible here- you could arrange set times to check in with each other throughout the day that wont interrupt your time with your partner or children. I dont quite understand why this is apparently so impossible to arrange.....

If there is a genuine chance you could, get a falls detector so your husband gets woken up. What’s your mum going to do about it anyway?

I really don’t understand why you bothered posting this. Well, I suppose you thought everyone would back you. You’ve literally said you are not interested in opinions from someone else raised differently to you (just like your husband) and when someone gives you a reasoned argument why this would be annoying you just repeat the same justification that makes you right. You all sound immature and annoying and you’re clearly unhappy in your relationship so just be over and find yourself a nice eastender who talks to their parents all day long too.