Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

[Rosieposey91]

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

This. She needs to wait if you're doing something together like watching a movie, she can wait till the next day if necessary. You need to put some boundaries in place with your mum. I'd be really unhappy if things like this was happening on a regular basis He needs to stop giving you the silent treatment. You're both in the wrong here, you're both responsible for this unhealthy relationship.

The umbilical cord seems to be pretty attached here. If my partner was in touch with his parents I’d be pretty turned off. Your partner however should take it for what it is and leave you rather than try and change the situation.

Yes. She despises him. He has had gambling issues, my children complain to her about him as he has no patience, the list goes on. she thinks he has nothing going for him. She loved my ex partner and I think maybe compares them. If she liked him I know it would be different.

Dear OP, the relationship you have with your mum is enviable. There are so many posts on MN from users who have non-existent or strained relationships with their parents and it causes them deep pain. Cherish and guard your mum with all of your heart.

To posters who are pushing the ‘co-dependency’ angle, relying on family is not toxic and in some communities it is absolutely essential for survival. My mum is a first-generation ethnic Eastender and without the constant support of family, my maternal family wouldn’t have made it through the poverty and prejudice that dominated their lives. The unconditional love and support has stuck with my family and we have carried each other through tough times. OP, you may be able to relate to that.

By the sounds of it, you have always been close with your mum so I wonder why your partner overlooked this during your courtship and now it is a problem for him? When you have a relationship with someone, their family comes with the deal - for better or worse.

OP, I was in a relationship with someone who was also jealous of my closeness to family and friends. Unfortunately, his controlling nature didn’t stop there and he was also abusive in other ways. I don’t want to pry but I wonder whether your partner’s attempts to control you go beyond his displeasure with your relationship with your mum.

I am now with someone who adores my family and loves spending time with them. Likewise, I love being part of his family. You don’t have to put up with this OP.

Big hug.

Both.

they do baby him and that’s why he pushes them away and tells me he doesn’t want to bother with them.

it’s not a close relationship no but yes they have put furniture together for us. Not quite sure of your point or what you are trying to say?

My parents do let me have my own mind. Being close to my mum doesn’t mean I don’t have my own mind. I am close to her but we are also very different and have different opinions. I always stand by my opinions whereas my partner is weak and is swayed by his parents.

again, nothing to do with you.

Thank you. It resonates very much with me.

in fact this whole discussion has made me realise that I really don’t need to put up with him and I don’t and won’t change my relationship with my mum. Some people don’t get it and that’s fine. Those of you who do , we are the lucky ones. Thank you all for your support and going to leave it there as my mind is now made up :)

OP, you sound absolutely delightful!

Your DC complain to you mum about your DP, but they are a baby and a toddler according to you PP?

Your DM makes you ring her when you go to sleep, but you are independent and she definitely doesn’t baby you?

Your DM despises your DP and would seem deliberately winds him up by taking your attention away and he’s the bad guy?

And nothing to do with me? Don’t post on a public forum asking for honest opinions if it’s nothing to do with anyone else.

As entertaining as your story has been, I’m off to sleep now. Obviously without texting my mum first because that’s definitely not normal.

Good night.

my now 3 year old can speak yes , she does complain all the time about daddy.

Right and Reading through my previous posts and trying to catch me out or whatever you’re doing is normal at 2.30am.

But you chose to have two children with this man? You must have really liked him at some point, was your mother supportive of the relationship then?

And I can see @Towntocountry ’s point. I have a friend who is very close to her parents and she’s very lucky. They live down the road, see each other almost every day. The parents have done almost every school drop off / pick up for their grandchildren and looked after them full time after my friend’s maternity leaves were up. My friend fully reciprocates and has taken a leave of absence from work when her mother was sick and she fully expects that her parents will live with her when they are elderly and need care. It’s quite an old fashioned multi generational family and wonderful in many ways.

HOWEVER, when I’ve been socialising with my friend is able to leave her phone in her handbag on the other side of the room and engage with whatever we’re doing and I know she really values what time she manages to carve out with her husband (it’s difficult with his job).

But I can leave my phone. I go out with friends or when with my children and don’t touch my phone. So you have misread this or taken it the wrong way. I speak to her when I want to.

Why are you saying to PP 'nothing to do with you'? You've put this up on a public forum, asking for advice etc. Do you want advice or not?

Because they are quoting from a previous post and trying to say what I am saying doesn’t add up.

I’m also wondering if the problem in the OP’s relationship with her mother (which sounds mostly lovely and supportive) is actually a modern day phone addiction, rather than being “traditional eastenders”. Popping in and out of each other’s houses, multi generations taking care of the elderly and children for each other etc is probably the traditional part and when it works well I imagine is really good for all those concerned but the texting and phoning all the time (I think in a previous post the OP said the mother had rung while the mother was actually out with friends for example) is definitely new and there’s nothing traditional about it.

If you’re trying to spend quality time with a person it’s really rude IMO for them to be answering non urgent phone calls and texts. Most of us need to (re)learn how to put our phones down and same goes for the OP.

And look if you want to sit in your difficult relationship with your mam go for it. But own it ffs.

But why then are you answering her when you’re having an evening with your partner? Interrupting your film to have a quick chat?

And you’ve said before if you don’t answer after a while she’ll even try his phone.

It must just feel to him that you don’t prioritise time with him at all especially if you’re able to not respond to your Mum for a whole evening if you’re out with your friends, but not when you’re at home with him. Why them and not him?

Obviously it sounds like you and your mother don’t like this man, perhaps with good reason, but you’ve made a family with him so you must have liked him a lot and thought he was a decent partner at some point.

'Nothing to do with you'.... says the person who posted asking for advice from complete randomers. What do you actually want?

You’d do anything for her, except the one thing that would give her peace of mind and genuine contentment - and be the best thing for yourself, as well - which is split from this awful man.

It’s perfectly obvious what you should do.

I’d be out of there in a flash OP if my
husband was on the phone as much as you are. It’s strange and very codependent. Look up enmeshment.

Your partner is also being childish, but I’m shocked he hasn’t just left tbh. You downplay her interrupting which is extremely rude and she sounds intrusive. It’s also rude of you to say he goes on when talking. Surely your Mum does too if she is ringing so often?! What do you possibly need to speak about all the time? It’s weird.

She's an Eastender, don't you know? The advice she wants is that this is perfectly normal and very eastend and only an Eastender would know and/or understand. Its cultural. Actually, its physiological. Its in the DNA and its immutable. All Eastenders do this and not one has changed.
Honestly i don't necessarily think op is wrong. if she likes her relationship with her mum this way its fine. If she had a good relationship with her DP I would say manage relationship with mum differently. Call her before tv show then let her know you will speak to her again after x hours. But as it is, partner is not great. She doesn't say it but there is built up resentment in the relationship. And when a 3 year old starts getting in marital and/or woes and reporting to external parties then its turned toxic. Am not a divorce advocate but its really bad for the 3 year old talking about his/her dad to gran this way. And it seems neither mum nor gran are managing that well. probably because it validates their feelings towards dp (but really, is it good for dc?). I think its time to call the divorce lawyers. And if you can afford it, therapist to disentangle healthily from DP. And perhaps to see mum from independent, professional eyes

I have a relationship similar to yours with your mum, but yours is definitely to the extreme. She could text you goodnight instead of calling if you tell ger you're having the evening with your partner.

My mum and dad broke up when I was 2. We'll have days when she calls several times, but no structure to it. I can definitely see why your partner has issues with it all and my mum gradually stepped back.

For example she may call a few times in a day, but we whatsapp a lot and we'll have days when we don't call. She respects that evenings and weekends is time with my DH so she'll only call then if its important, we'll message instead.

At first I'd answer calls in films, if we were driving together or on a walk. DH pointed out that it's rude because his only option is to sand wait in these situations, which is selfish. I'd say it'll only be a minute but not realise we'll be chatting for a while. Also it does ruin the immersion in a film neither of us use our phones if we watch a film.

How long ago were you poorly and medicated? If it was recent then her worry if fair, if its not then it will be good for her to relax back a bit now. If my mum calls and I miss her, she'll text "ring me" or call right again, otherwise she understands that I'm busy and will call back when I can.

I'm busy with my toddler so we mostly chat in the car when I'm driving somewhere.

Texting when you're also in bed is ott in my opinion, but also completely harmless so if you both like that you do this then crack on!

Family is so important to me

Hate to break it to you but it isn’t really. You husband and your children are your family. Yet you allow your 3 year old to bad mouth your Dh to your mother.
Your mother became your extended family when you married Dh.

Family isn’t important to your mother either. The most important thing in your mothers life is winding your Dh up.

If a Dd has a heart condition and her mother knows that her Dd and Dh will be watching a film and the mother hates the son in law so much that she calls during the film anyway just to anger her son in law which then his reaction stresses her Dd out would you actually think that the mother had that close of relationship with her Dd if her hatred for her son in law potentially out weighs the life of her Dd

Genuinly i might have missed something, but from what i can tell the guy has a gambling addiction and has now owned up to it. He should be applauded for that rather than shunned?

The gambling addiction is clearly just one issue.

OP - I think you’d be far less enmeshed with your Mum if you were with a decent man, and in a healthy relationship.

You wouldn’t entreat into that relationship / rely on her so much, and she wouldn’t worry about you so much, and need that constant reassurance that you’re OK.

Ditch the man. It sounds like everyone, including your kids - and even including him! - would be happier.

Op, I've read all your posts and my DP too who I've written about here a few times is a 4th generation east ended and I'm Indian. He went into therapy in his 30s because he realised himself his relationship with him mum (exactly like yours) was codependent and it was a generational thing.

You too are falling into the trap of other women in your family of picking and staying with poor partners because you have your mum and children to support you. Because you have no example of a healthy adult relationship, you don't know how to have one. And instead of focusing on this part of your life and improving it, you are using your mum to fill the gap and she is you, and you are also doing to your children what she is doing to you. But at some point one of your children (like my DP did) will realise it is not a child's job to be responsible for a parent. Your mother needs another adult to support her and putting that burden on you since you were a child is unhealthy. I can guarantee you will never have a good relationship with a partner, the sort of relationship where you are a team with a romantic partner - because your mum fills your emotional needs as you do hers. And when your mum passes, you will turn to your children. That's why so many women in the east end live like this - because it's easier to make your child your companion than deal with a grown man or focus on finding the right partner. This is an observation my DP made btw as he too thought the east end way was all about family. No, it's also about avoiding adult responsibilities and putting them on the child. I am Indian and very close to my parents as an only child but his relationship had zero boundaries. And it was sobering for him that HE had to put in boundaries because his mother had none of her own.

If you think about it in no other situation would it be acceptable for a grown woman (your mother) to be best friends with a child or teenager, someone who's nappies they changed. She should be relying on other adults or friends for companionship, not you. The biggest question here is : would you feel as responsible for your mum if she made the effort to build a network of her own, have a supportive partner of her own, have close friends of her own? And if she doesn't have these things, why not?

“That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished.”

I’d find it completely intolerable if my MIL called my husband several times a day and wouldn’t even wait until we’d finished watching a film.

I get that you’re close to your mum but this sounds suffocating.