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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

743 replies

Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 18:21

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosieposey91 · 28/05/2023 01:34

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 28/05/2023 01:31

I’ve read all of your posts and this has to be one of the most ridiculous posts that I’ve ever read.

You keep talking about this mysterious condition. What is it about your condition that makes your mum need to speak to you on the phone every night before bed? If you sent a text like a poster suggested saying, ‘about to watch a film and it’ll finish late. I’ll give you a call tomorrow.’ What about your condition means that the text message isn’t good enough?

It all sounds quite pathetic tbh and if you were my partner, I probably wouldn’t stay with you. You say that you’re not harming anyone by sending messages/speaking on the phone with your mum all the time but can you not see that it’s all a bit childish. You said something along the lines of, ‘it made you so happy that your mum took the time out to call you (or text) even though she was with her friends.’ Why does everything have to be so intertwined?

Why can’t there be a call first thing in the day, some messages and just wrap it up by the end of the night. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being close to your mum but when you’re constantly pausing the TV to speak with your mum, it seems like a pain in the arse. You’re also getting quite defensive over some comments so it’s clear that you’re not really willing to change much.

This is definitely a co dependant relationship and the suggestion of you speaking with a therapist about your relationship is really a good one

I could have a cardiac arrest.

OP posts:
KnackeredSheep · 28/05/2023 01:34

I mean this nicely OP, but do you have any friends? Have you ever been out with anyone who is constantly on their phone? Just ‘quickly replying to a message’, just ‘quickly answering this call’? It’s infuriating. Makes you feel like your company alone isn’t enough for them.

I think you need to accept that your viewpoint of not being bothered is really not the norm. And telling PPs that they are thick or rude, is really actually rather rude.

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 28/05/2023 01:36

You also keep mentioning things like ‘if my partner had the same relationship with his parents, I wouldn’t mind’ etc. You simply do not know that.

You’re trying to engage with family life and spend time with your partner, oh no wait, it’s his dad on the phone. Family time gets paused. Same thing happens again, and again and again. Who’s your partner texting now, oh it’s just his dad for the 30th time of the day. It’s all a bit ridiculous isn’t it.

And even if you wouldn’t mind all of that, your partner does. So his feelings are meant to be considered at some point. Then again you don’t actually like your partner (not enough to consider his feelings again) so why are you actually here? Just to tell everyone that they don’t have a close relationship with their mum orrrr….

Original poster
Rosieposey91 · 28/05/2023 01:36

KnackeredSheep · 28/05/2023 01:34

I mean this nicely OP, but do you have any friends? Have you ever been out with anyone who is constantly on their phone? Just ‘quickly replying to a message’, just ‘quickly answering this call’? It’s infuriating. Makes you feel like your company alone isn’t enough for them.

I think you need to accept that your viewpoint of not being bothered is really not the norm. And telling PPs that they are thick or rude, is really actually rather rude.

I have lots of friends. I don’t find that infuriating.

OP posts:
Cantstandbullshitanymore · 28/05/2023 01:37

Temporaryname158 · 27/05/2023 18:30

I’d worry about him being controlling. He wants to distance you and himself from your mum and isn’t close to his family. This is a massive red flag alongside the sulking to make you feel guilty (emotional manipulation).

I would end the relationship

Not really, texting your mom while out with your partner, watching movies etc is too much and codependency. Yes he can handles it better but she needs to grow up.

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 28/05/2023 01:38

Rosieposey91 · 28/05/2023 01:34

I could have a cardiac arrest.

Show quote history

So you have a cardiac arrest AFTER you’ve spoken to your mum on the phone. She’s now asleep so what difference does that make? Don’t you have a partner who lives with you and that’s aware of your condition? This all sounds so batshit that I can’t quite believe this is someone’s live.

Just say that you want to speak to your mum 50 times a day and have done with it

Original poster
Rosieposey91 · 28/05/2023 01:40

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 28/05/2023 01:36

You also keep mentioning things like ‘if my partner had the same relationship with his parents, I wouldn’t mind’ etc. You simply do not know that.

You’re trying to engage with family life and spend time with your partner, oh no wait, it’s his dad on the phone. Family time gets paused. Same thing happens again, and again and again. Who’s your partner texting now, oh it’s just his dad for the 30th time of the day. It’s all a bit ridiculous isn’t it.

And even if you wouldn’t mind all of that, your partner does. So his feelings are meant to be considered at some point. Then again you don’t actually like your partner (not enough to consider his feelings again) so why are you actually here? Just to tell everyone that they don’t have a close relationship with their mum orrrr….

There’s a mix of opinions. Tbh I really don’t see the issue and I don’t want to make changes with my relationship with my mum. So we will just see what happens as my partner needs to make changes too. I can see how some think it is a deal breaker and others don’t. So maybe we are not suited. My past two relationships both had no issue and got on great with my mum.

OP posts:
Chickenkeev · 28/05/2023 01:41

OP, if you're listening, you're waaay too 'close' to your mum. It's not good for you. Ypu need to stand on your own two feet now.. it's hard but it's not impossible. You CAN do it!

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 28/05/2023 01:42

So there was essentially no point in starting this thread. Good luck to you, seems like you may need it

Original poster
Rosieposey91 · 28/05/2023 01:43

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 28/05/2023 01:38

So you have a cardiac arrest AFTER you’ve spoken to your mum on the phone. She’s now asleep so what difference does that make? Don’t you have a partner who lives with you and that’s aware of your condition? This all sounds so batshit that I can’t quite believe this is someone’s live.

Just say that you want to speak to your mum 50 times a day and have done with it

Show quote history

Because she can sleep knowing I am ok. Of course something could happen after but the fact she has spoken to me before bed and in the morning means if I had one going up the stairs before getting in to bed she would know or in the morning she would know to raise the alarm. Obviously it isn’t fool proof and what you have said could happen but unless you have been through the trauma I went through you wouldn’t understand. If it’s out way of coping then that’s how we deal with it.

OP posts:
MavisMcMinty · 28/05/2023 01:48

Gosh, at imminent risk of a cardiac arrest at any time? I’d want to get that treated, if I were you.

Original poster
Rosieposey91 · 28/05/2023 01:49

MavisMcMinty · 28/05/2023 01:48

Gosh, at imminent risk of a cardiac arrest at any time? I’d want to get that treated, if I were you.

I am on medication and being monitored

OP posts:
StandingMyGround888 · 28/05/2023 01:50

I think people saying you're too close to your mum etc etc are ridiculous. You clearly have a lovely close relationship you're very happy with. Your previous partners didn't have a problem. I'd agree you may be incompatible with current DP unfortunately.

SquaresandStarlings · 28/05/2023 01:50

I actually think its wonderful that you have such a close relationship with your mum.

But if you value this, or any subsequent partner, you have to step back just a little bit, or I don't think it will work out.

But do not, under any circumstances, spoil what is going to be the most loving relationship you'll ever know.

Original poster
Rosieposey91 · 28/05/2023 01:52

SquaresandStarlings · 28/05/2023 01:50

I actually think its wonderful that you have such a close relationship with your mum.

But if you value this, or any subsequent partner, you have to step back just a little bit, or I don't think it will work out.

But do not, under any circumstances, spoil what is going to be the most loving relationship you'll ever know.

Thank you so much. I would never spoil the lovely relationship we have. I adore her and she adores me and my babies. But I take on board I have to step back a bit ,‘would be easier if my partner was more supportive. Xx

OP posts:
Chickenkeev · 28/05/2023 01:52

Rosieposey91 · 28/05/2023 01:43

Because she can sleep knowing I am ok. Of course something could happen after but the fact she has spoken to me before bed and in the morning means if I had one going up the stairs before getting in to bed she would know or in the morning she would know to raise the alarm. Obviously it isn’t fool proof and what you have said could happen but unless you have been through the trauma I went through you wouldn’t understand. If it’s out way of coping then that’s how we deal with it.

Show quote history

Can you take a step back and examine this? It's not normal, within any acceptable boundaries. It's really not normal.

KnackeredSheep · 28/05/2023 01:54

OP, what is your relationship like with your PIL? Do you get on with them? Do you include them in family life with your DC?

Original poster
Rosieposey91 · 28/05/2023 01:54

Chickenkeev · 28/05/2023 01:52

Can you take a step back and examine this? It's not normal, within any acceptable boundaries. It's really not normal.

Show quote history

Not normal if I didn’t have my diagnosis. Completely normal that I do and any loving mother would do. The fact you don’t see it as normal makes me think you are very strange IMO. So you have yours and I have mine. Chicken Keev lol.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosieposey91 · 28/05/2023 01:55

KnackeredSheep · 28/05/2023 01:54

OP, what is your relationship like with your PIL? Do you get on with them? Do you include them in family life with your DC?

Minimal. My partner doesn’t have a close relationship with them. Pleasant enough when we see them but that’s about it. What is that to do with this ?

OP posts:
Wishawisha · 28/05/2023 01:58

My DH is far closer to his parents than I am to mine and at times I find it hard to understand but I do try. They don’t speak every day but more days than not and it does annoy me if it eats into family time (eg not sure why they don’t understand that speaking to him for 30 minutes at 7.30pm is going to mean he isn’t able to help me do bedtime on the days he’s home early enough). But it’s their relationship and one I stay out of largely.

I have to say though, if we were trying to spend time together and watch a film or have a chat and he interrupted it to have a conversation on his phone I would just switch the film off and go and have a bath or go to bed or something. That would be crossing a big line. Eventually I don’t think we’d have much of a relationship left if I never felt like I could come first.

With work pressures, DC, aging parents etc I would never expect to come first 95% of the time so I think if you’ve managed to carve out a small window of time when it’s not about the kids, not about work, it’s really important that that time is respected. I can understand that your partner probably feels he never has any time with you when he’s actually getting your full undivided attention. Since you’re both grown ups with lives and responsibilities, I would expect such time to be very limited anyway but when it does happen, I think he needs to know you can actually just be present in the moment together.

Chickenkeev · 28/05/2023 01:59

Rosieposey91 · 28/05/2023 01:54

Not normal if I didn’t have my diagnosis. Completely normal that I do and any loving mother would do. The fact you don’t see it as normal makes me think you are very strange IMO. So you have yours and I have mine. Chicken Keev lol.

Show quote history

You have a diagnosis, fair enough and grand. But it doesn't change the fact that the relationship with Mum isn't healthy. I'm sure you're all coming to it with the best of intentions but you need some boundaries. Just my opinion, i'm not a MH professional.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 28/05/2023 02:01

OP, would I be correct in saying that your mother realizes that her frequent calls and texts are creating friction in your relationship with your partner but she doesn't care because she dislikes him?

And does she dislike him because she feels he doesn't treat you well or hasn't been supportive during your illness?

steff13 · 28/05/2023 02:03

Rosieposey91 · 28/05/2023 01:54

Not normal if I didn’t have my diagnosis. Completely normal that I do and any loving mother would do. The fact you don’t see it as normal makes me think you are very strange IMO. So you have yours and I have mine. Chicken Keev lol.

Show quote history

I thought the diagnosis was recent, has your relationship with your mother changed since the diagnosis? Or has it always been like this?

KnackeredSheep · 28/05/2023 02:04

Not a close relationship, but close enough to put furniture together and do your garden for you, although not well enough for you? One of your previous posts says they baby your DP but you are independent and your parents let you have your own mind.

Which version is true?

maybelou · 28/05/2023 02:05

Was she like this before your diagnosis or only after? If she was like it before, then it's nothing to do with your diagnosis. It she's only been like it since then you have to admit it's not normal for you but it's due to extenuating circumstances.

Also PP's asking if OP would be okay if her partner was like this - of course she would, since she doesn't value time with her partner.

I don't know how you can't see that pausing a film or frequently checking your phone while with your loved ones isn't rude and annoying.