Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

[Rosieposey91]

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

It’s got nothing to do with being an Eastender OP. It’s got everything to do with having a codependent relationship with your mum. Surely if you read a thread about a son having this level of contact with his mum (e.g calling to say goodnight and then also texting to confirm once actually in bed?) you would think he was an absolute mummy’s boy and that the whole situation was a bit odd? The fact you’re a daughter and not a son makes no difference tbh.

If you don’t respect him enough to compromise- your words - then you need to end the relationship.

Why is it codependent though?

This is insane. You have a very unhealthy relationship with your mother.

Your mother has also failed in her job at being a parent, because the aim of that job is to raise healthy, independent adults, and she has not done that.

She’s made you codependent. She dumps all her emotions on you, she guilt trips and manipulates you and wouldn’t be able to cope if you said no to her.

Parents are not meant to be their child’s best friend for this reason. It isn’t healthy and she has overstepped appropriate boundaries.

I know.

but. We have kids and he has sought help
for his issues. If he can change maybe then I can respect him more to want to compromise?

This

This

This absolutely nails it. She has zero independence. If she wants her primary relationship to be with her mother then she should divorce and remain single because healthy, well-adjusted adults simply won’t tolerate being in a relationship with someone who is this dysfunctional with a parent.

But why does she need to know you are in bed? Why wouldn't you be OK? I get that you have a close relationship but most people do not need to know that their adult children are actually in bed every night, especially if they have spoken minutes earlier to say goodnight.

Your partner is being unreasonable by sulking and giving you the silent treatment, but your level of contact with your mum is not usual for most people. If you are happy with that, then I guess there's no need to change anything, but it's not at all surprising that your partner finds it odd.

Yep, this has hit the nail on the head.

Your mother has replaced her lack of partner with you. That’s clear from you saying that she may phone about work issues etc, that’s the role a partner would play in most adults lives. It’s not healthy. You aren’t her partner. Children and supposed to grow up, move out, form an emotional relationship with a partner and not need to be in such contact with their parents. It’s an unhealthy dynamic. But she’s created this situation, I think partly due to her relationship with her mother and partly due to her lack of partner.

How are you not suffocated by her need to know what’s going on in your life so much. Illness or not, if my mother felt she needed to know when I went to bed because otherwise she’d worry I’d feel suffocated by her.

look up spousification. That’s what’s happened here, it sounds like her and her mother’s relationship was the same as well and the unhealthy cycle continues. Please don’t pass this onto your children.

Your partner does sound like a dick in other ways though, and you need to leave him for your children’s sake.

I have to agree with this. I'm super close to my mum but never on that level. It's weird AF tbh, i can see why the partner would dislike it.

My mum is like this with another family member, They call each other constantly, all day from waking up to when they go to bed, If I go anywhere with her it's tediously boring because if she is driving she will literally pull the car over and we have to then sit there as they have this full on conversation. Her phone rings every 20 minutes, I constantly have to pause whatever we were watching, She answers if we are eating, on holiday etc. I now cringe each time her phone goes off. I can't get through a full sentence without her interrupting me to answer her phone. I no longer spend much time with my mum because of it. btw if I talk to her about it she can't see what everyone else sees and doesn't think there is anything wrong with it.

Saw my mums call log once when she was showing me something and saw 37 calls in one day to this person.

It's the fact you keep answering the phone! If you are watching a film, just don't answer.

It would annoy me. Reminds me of the scene in Love Actually.

Your OP says you are open to honest answers, but then you respond to anyone that gives you an honest answer to say that they don’t understand.

They understand perfectly, but you don’t have a normal relationship with your DM. What happens if you have a lie in? Or morning sex before DC’s wake up. Or you text her goodnight but don’t tell her you’re in bed because you’ve ended up having sex on the sofa? Does she interrupt?

I am not excusing your partners behaviour at all, and if he has a temper that’s a separate issue to deal with, but I think I’d be permanently pissed off in his position. I expect he feels very much second best to your DM.

Sorry, so I sometimes get weak and short of breath going up the stairs , so she likes to know I didn’t pass out etc. I know my partner is here but he goes to sleep before me. So he wouldn’t know

I’m with your DP this would drive me mad and I’d probably seriously consider leaving

I wouldn’t message until I wanted to. It’s not like I message the minute I wake up. Just to say good morning when I want to. If I had a lie in, she may ring to check I am ok if hadn’t heard from me by a normal time.

I don’t know why he would feel second best. It’s not like she is another man. She is my mum. I just don’t get it sorry. He could call his dad every day , I wouldn’t once feel second best if they was in touch all the time. It’s his dad, I’m his partner. Totally different.

OP, what was the point in posting? You don’t want any opinions that differ to yours and you’ve clearly made up your mind about two things: you don’t think your DP is that good a partner (or at least not good enough for you to do more of what he’s asked for) and you are not going to change your habits with your mum. Keep speaking to your mum 20 times a day and find a partner who doesn’t mind.

But your mum won't know either because she is also asleep. She won't see your message until the morning.

Just skimmed OP posts lol at this eastender term and your awful attitude to the replies. Completely dismissive and seem to want to brag about your relationship with your mother.

Everyone should just stop commenting

Well I guess fair point. I have appreciated certain opinions though. And no, not all those that agree with me.

some are just rude / ignorant / thick replies. Those I don’t care for as I can tell they aren’t the sort of people I would want advice from anyway.

however, I honestly couldn’t care less if my partner spoke to his dad loads. Why would that annoy people! I don’t get it. I understand if I was watching a film and he was half hour on the phone. But for a couple minutes. Just would not faze me a single bit. I would just wait and then carry on watching once off the phone. If he was texting his dad all day, also wouldn’t faze me!

Tbf it's hardly a brag, OP sounds unwell.

I’ve read all of your posts and this has to be one of the most ridiculous posts that I’ve ever read.

You keep talking about this mysterious condition. What is it about your condition that makes your mum need to speak to you on the phone every night before bed? If you sent a text like a poster suggested saying, ‘about to watch a film and it’ll finish late. I’ll give you a call tomorrow.’ What about your condition means that the text message isn’t good enough?

It all sounds quite pathetic tbh and if you were my partner, I probably wouldn’t stay with you. You say that you’re not harming anyone by sending messages/speaking on the phone with your mum all the time but can you not see that it’s all a bit childish. You said something along the lines of, ‘it made you so happy that your mum took the time out to call you (or text) even though she was with her friends.’ Why does everything have to be so intertwined?

Why can’t there be a call first thing in the day, some messages and just wrap it up by the end of the night. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being close to your mum but when you’re constantly pausing the TV to speak with your mum, it seems like a pain in the arse. You’re also getting quite defensive over some comments so it’s clear that you’re not really willing to change much.

This is definitely a co dependant relationship and the suggestion of you speaking with a therapist about your relationship is really a good one

She would check her phone when she wakes in the night and see I’m ok.

I’m interested in the way you call them “my children” throughout your replies, rather than “our children”.