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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

743 replies

Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 18:21

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

OP posts:
MMMarmite · 27/05/2023 23:56

Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 23:51

I mean. No. Im not doing that lol. If he can’t accept a quick text then he can leave me. It’s pathetic. I get the phone call but it is NOT every time. It’s only for a minute or so. If he can’t accept that then I guess that is that. Im
not leaving my phone in another room just to please him.

Show quote history

Well, you did ask how you could compromise. That would be how I would compromise. If it was important to my partner, i'd happily spend a couple of hours without my phone.

Original poster
Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 23:57

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 27/05/2023 23:54

But that’s also down to my partner. I’m not happy with him and maybe if I felt more support from him I would naturally put in more boundaries or my mum would respect our space more if she liked him.

After all these posts this is the crux of it: The OP is not happy with her partner and her mum doesn't like him and therefore doesn't feel she needs to respect their "space".

The OP prioritizes her mother and her mother's feelings over that of her partner. Her mother knows exactly what she's doing and doesn't care (because she doesn't like him).

This relationship is over, he just hasn't realized it yet.

I mean, you got the nail on the head there if I’m honest

OP posts:
Purplepaperpeople · 27/05/2023 23:57

MMMarmite · 27/05/2023 23:48

Assuming your partner is reasonable (if he is abusive this won't work and you should leave), I would ask him what are his main properties for uninterrupted time. Family dinner or film or last thing at night or mornings? Does he feel a text is as bad as a call? Then based on his answer, I'd set some new boundaries and let your mum know.

E.g. Say he tells you movies are the most important thing for him, and texts feel almost as bad as calls. I'd text your mum to say "tonight's movie night so can't talk, I had a nice day, hope your evening is good, I'll text when I head up to bed" and then leave the phone in another room, as if it were a work meeting.

Show quote history

I agree with this being a good first step :). Also I think you will need to try and manage the feelings of guilt and worry that you’ll probably have as you’re basically saying to your Mum ‘I have other priorities at the moment’ as it doesn’t sound like you do this very much

Womencanlift · 27/05/2023 23:57

You should change the title of this thread as you are definitely not open to honest answers if some of your responses are anything to go by

Original poster
Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 23:58

MMMarmite · 27/05/2023 23:56

Well, you did ask how you could compromise. That would be how I would compromise. If it was important to my partner, i'd happily spend a couple of hours without my phone.

Show quote history

I didn’t mean to be rude. I just won’t do that to please him. I apologise if I was rude, has just felt like a lot of people attacking me tonight and you have been a helpful one; so I’m sorry.

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 27/05/2023 23:58

Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 23:51

I mean. No. Im not doing that lol. If he can’t accept a quick text then he can leave me. It’s pathetic. I get the phone call but it is NOT every time. It’s only for a minute or so. If he can’t accept that then I guess that is that. Im
not leaving my phone in another room just to please him.

Show quote history

Oh FGS just do the decent thing and let him go. How you feel is very obvious, and that is that you - despite what you say - are not prepared to compromise on this. You may, if really pushed, drop him a tiny crumb and then expect him to be completely happy.

Let him go to be with someone for whom he can be the focus of the relationship. He deserves better than this.

Original poster
Rosieposey91 · 28/05/2023 00:00

penniesmakeshillingsandshillingsmakepounds · 27/05/2023 23:38

Ring ring…. Hello Mum!
Just saying goodnight daughter!
Goodnight Mum!
Bye Daughter
Bye Mum

15 mins later

Hi Mum
just texting to tell you I am now in bed so goodnight again, I know you are asleep but I will send you this text for absolutely no reason. Ohh and I will ring you first thing in the morn to make sure you have not spontaneously combusted during the night. Looking forward to our 23 phone calls tomorrow! Night night again. Turning out the light now and might give OH a quick hand shuffle before I nod off. Tell you all about it tomorrow. Night night again!!

I mean …
this did make me laugh

and NO that is not how our conversations go lol

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 28/05/2023 00:01

When did he start complaining about your relationship with your mother?

SemperIdem · 28/05/2023 00:02

Would it be possible to text more rather than so many phone calls? Texts are much less intrusive. I’m not suggesting this to appease your partner, but because it’s a generally less intrusive way to communicate with someone during a busy day.

Your partner sounds like an arsehole generally speaking, so I can see why you would rely on your mum. Honestly, you should leave him. Not because he doesn’t like that you’re close to your mum, but because he’s emotionally abusive across the board.

MysteryBelle · 28/05/2023 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PineappleLatte · 28/05/2023 00:04

I can’t see why you wouldn’t send a text along the lines of “hi mum, about to watch a film. It’ll finish late so we’ll speak in the morning”.

Deals with all the angst in one simple message.

DeedlessIndeed · 28/05/2023 00:04

Op, obviously you're not keen on PP suggestions for compromises.

I appreciate many of the other posts on this thread haven't agreed with your point of view, and that's difficult to read all in one go, especially with everything you have going on. However, some of your responses are coming off a little sharp.

Why don't you share what you think is a reasonable level of compromise, what you'd feel comfortable with? So that we can understand?

I'm also curious, (apologies if already answered), but if you're in the middle of a heart-to-heart with your partner, or having a cuddle on the sofa etc, would you prioritise answering a phone call from your mum? Or would you leave it and give her a call back later?

Original poster
Rosieposey91 · 28/05/2023 00:05

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/05/2023 23:38

But if she calls you to say good night, why don't you just say good night then and why do you feel you have to text as well?

Maybe you should plan your evenings so that you tell her e.g. we are going to watch a movie from seven until 10 so can't speak tonight. Would you be comfortable not speaking to her or messaging for three hours?

What happens at work? Have you ever been unable to do your job because of her messaging or calling?

i guess just to let her know I’m in bed and ok. Maybe it is too much, but it’s not harming anyone. I have ocd so that could play a role, my mum worries about me because of my health so she likes to know I’m ok and she doesn’t trust in my partner to support me really. It’s hard to convey all in messages on here but I appreciate that maybe the texting and call isn’t needed and has just become a habit and reassurance for my mum that im ok. It’s been hard on us all since my diagnosis.

OP posts:
PineappleLatte · 28/05/2023 00:06

So do you message and call constantly when you are working too?

Original poster
Rosieposey91 · 28/05/2023 00:08

DeedlessIndeed · 28/05/2023 00:04

Op, obviously you're not keen on PP suggestions for compromises.

I appreciate many of the other posts on this thread haven't agreed with your point of view, and that's difficult to read all in one go, especially with everything you have going on. However, some of your responses are coming off a little sharp.

Why don't you share what you think is a reasonable level of compromise, what you'd feel comfortable with? So that we can understand?

I'm also curious, (apologies if already answered), but if you're in the middle of a heart-to-heart with your partner, or having a cuddle on the sofa etc, would you prioritise answering a phone call from your mum? Or would you leave it and give her a call back later?

I would leave it and call back later. Although she may ring his phone if it was a while because she will worry something has happened to me. It’s hard to explain without going into more details but I have a newly diagnosed serious health condition. If that helps?

I guess to compromise I could come off my phone more and wait until I’m ready to call her or wait until I’ve gone to bed to say goodnight by text and leave the call. It genuinely is just innocent though if she calls me to remind me something or to tell
me something funny etc. I can’t understand how others don’t do this because it’s so norm for us? However I have to be open to the fact maybe it’s a little too much. It’s always been me and my mum since I was 3. I know no different. I’m super close with my kids too

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosieposey91 · 28/05/2023 00:09

PineappleLatte · 28/05/2023 00:06

So do you message and call constantly when you are working too?

No she may call me
once to update on my kids. Or an email now and then.

OP posts:
GulfCoastBeachGirl · 28/05/2023 00:12

Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 23:57

I mean, you got the nail on the head there if I’m honest

Show quote history

Now I think I understand where you are coming from. You feel like you should try to make things work with your partner but your heart's not in it because you're just not happy.

So really, this all has nothing to do with your relationship with your mum.

I think you'll ultimately be happier if you decide whether or not you're really interested in saving your relationship with your partner. That's the real question here. The bit with your mum is just noise.

Original poster
Rosieposey91 · 28/05/2023 00:12

PineappleLatte · 28/05/2023 00:04

I can’t see why you wouldn’t send a text along the lines of “hi mum, about to watch a film. It’ll finish late so we’ll speak in the morning”.

Deals with all the angst in one simple message.

She would still want to speak to me before I go to bed. Or at least let her know once I’m in bed. I think due to my condition but also how she was with her mum. I know it’s hard to understand if you aren’t like that in your family. When I write it down it does seem a bit much but it’s just normal to us. What is co dependence? I’m so independent , I don’t rely on my mum for anything. I am just chill so if she calls I’ll happily pause and answe then carry on. I really don’t get why people get annoyed by that. Or by sending a good night text. It’s not like I’m doing anything wrong 😑

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosieposey91 · 28/05/2023 00:15

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 28/05/2023 00:12

Now I think I understand where you are coming from. You feel like you should try to make things work with your partner but your heart's not in it because you're just not happy.

So really, this all has nothing to do with your relationship with your mum.

I think you'll ultimately be happier if you decide whether or not you're really interested in saving your relationship with your partner. That's the real question here. The bit with your mum is just noise.

Show quote history

you are spot on. I don’t respect him enough to want to change my relationship with my mum (as in compromise not change change)

i really don’t know where I am at with my relationship with him. He is so unsupportive in many ways. However we have a family and there are occasions (wow clutching at straws!) that he can be loving and kind but unfortunately just not enough. It’s a tough one.

ps you should be a therapist. You read between the lines before I did. Made me realise why I feel this way!

OP posts:
penniesmakeshillingsandshillingsmakepounds · 28/05/2023 00:18

Rosieposey91 · 28/05/2023 00:00

I mean …
this did make me laugh

and NO that is not how our conversations go lol

Show quote history

Fair play for taking it in good spirits.

MMMarmite · 28/05/2023 00:19

Thanks OP.

I think it's clear that you and your mum are playing the role of "closest emotional support" to each other, and that's a role that most British people would expect to sit with a partner - but not all people, as shown by the different opinions on this thread. I think that expectation would not be the same in all cultures and time periods in history. I don't think either set up is intrinsically wrong or right.

So the issues are:

  1. You ideally want a different set up than the average British person. So you either need a partner willing to accommodate that, or someone who comes from a matching background, or you would need to shift your behaviour a bit to compromise with the dominant cultural expectations.
  2. Your partner has not been supportive at key points in the past, which mean that you rely even more heavily on your mum, and she feels even more worried you. The additional attention from your mum then irritated your partner, possibly making a vicious cycle.

Putting this issue to the side completely, are there things about your partner that you like and respect? If it were a basically good relationship with just this issue, there are lots of ways you could work together to find a compromise. If the relationship is over anyway, there's no point trying to resolve this disagreement.

LuluBlakey1 · 28/05/2023 00:27

He sounds awful- and jealousy is a trait that will only get worse. LTB

Original poster
Rosieposey91 · 28/05/2023 00:27

MMMarmite · 28/05/2023 00:19

Thanks OP.

I think it's clear that you and your mum are playing the role of "closest emotional support" to each other, and that's a role that most British people would expect to sit with a partner - but not all people, as shown by the different opinions on this thread. I think that expectation would not be the same in all cultures and time periods in history. I don't think either set up is intrinsically wrong or right.

So the issues are:

  1. You ideally want a different set up than the average British person. So you either need a partner willing to accommodate that, or someone who comes from a matching background, or you would need to shift your behaviour a bit to compromise with the dominant cultural expectations.
  2. Your partner has not been supportive at key points in the past, which mean that you rely even more heavily on your mum, and she feels even more worried you. The additional attention from your mum then irritated your partner, possibly making a vicious cycle.

Putting this issue to the side completely, are there things about your partner that you like and respect? If it were a basically good relationship with just this issue, there are lots of ways you could work together to find a compromise. If the relationship is over anyway, there's no point trying to resolve this disagreement.

Thanks. Makes sense. But why can we both be close. My mum and me. My partner and me.

ask me that question on a good day and I would say I absolutely think our relationship is worth fighting for. As long as he seeks help for his temper and way of dealing with things (he moans all day long)

im by no means perfect, I am very laid back so things that annoy him just don’t bother me. So he moans even more. I’m laid back with my children, he is more strict. Wants them in bed by 6.30pm so he can have peace. If they are happy playing or want another story I am happy to let them have longer 8pm the latest but he flips out saying he gets no evening. I let my boy sleep in our bed, he hates it and complains. It’s not every night but he just likes to be with us. We parent differently. He has a temper, I don’t. He snaps at the kids, he broke my sons toy the other day because he was being silly with it and not listening. He shouts, I don’t. They never want daddy, always me. It’s hard.

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 28/05/2023 00:32

It sounds like you don't really like your partner and aren't willing to bend in any way for him. My ex was like you and always prioritised his family over me. I was always 2nd best, that's why he's an ex now.

SamW98 · 28/05/2023 00:39

AnonyMenOhPee · 27/05/2023 18:42

Both relationships are problematic. He shouldn’t be dictating or giving you the silent treatment but your mum is WAY too involved in your life and I can see why he thinks it’s a problem

This. To me it feels like they’re both trying to control you and it’s a power struggle to be the most important person in your life.

I get being close to your mum but you need to put boundaries in place and get her to understand you’re an adult with a partner and need space.
Your partner needs to also take a step back and deal with his frustration in a better way