Is my boyfriend being selfish or am I a needy girlfriend

[Qwerty28]

Dear mumsnet!

Long time reader, first time poster so go easy on me please. I need some advice help or guidance im not sure what, with my current relationship. I have no friends or family support so mumsnet I'm asking for your support.

I've been in a relationship with my partner for 6 years now, i have three beautiful children (eldest from previous relationship) other two from current relationship youngest being 4 months old, so as you can imagine at the moment I'm exhuasted physically and mentally.

A little about me before I let you know about my relationship issues. Im being 100% honest and I know some of these are not pleasant traits to have. I'm a very shy person I'm described as an introvert I have low confidence and self esteem I have jealous and needy tendencies I will always go out of my way to help people even if it damages my mental health ive also in the past suffered with anxiety and depression.

Since the beginning of my relationship my partners sleeping habits have been difficult to handle but understandable due to the hours he worked (10am-1am) his finishing time was 11pm but more often than not had to stay on late to get jobs done pleasures of being a retail manager. We had no alone couple time as I was always asleep by the time he came home. Every night he will spend two hours in the bath even to this day and wouldn't come to bed before 6am due to needing down time then woke up 30minutes before work got ready and left, the bedtime hours were the same on days off but wouldnt get out of bed untill around 3pm. This was fine I got grumpy with it due to lack of time together but I understood (pre kids) this has since improved only because a change in jobs the spending time together has not changed!.
He works two jobs which I appreciate whole heartedly I have to work around him so I work late evenings/nights (on maternity leave atm) we cannot change this dynamic due to financial reasons. So as a result of this our together time is limited. When we do spend time together I have to wait for him to come down from his bath usually around 10:30pm ish he'll pick the film/programme (if I pick he'll spend the evening on his phone) he made comments in the past that I use my phone two much around him so I have made a habit of not using it during our time I also mentioned he's on his phone too much to which he full on denies and hasn't done anything about. I usually fall asleep on the sofa no more than 10 minutes into watching something as I'm exhusted of doing 100% of the child care everyday. I wake up to YouTube on the telly and him on his phone scrolling through sm (if i am able to stay awake he doesnt talk and picks up and puts down his phone constantly its also forever going off. He tells me I'm controlling (because I ask him to put his phone down) just like his brother girlfriend she psychotic and refuses help this comment made me cry as I'm nothing like that he saw how upset it made me but never apologised) i then wake up and go to bed ( around midnight) and he continues to stay down stairs until 4-5am on his phone this makes me extremely upset I've expressed to him multiple times that I'd like us to start going to bed together but he refuses to see it as a problem only says "it's a you problem"
Am I in the wrong for wanting him to come to bed with me or to leave his phone alone? I dont ask for much in my relationship but the things I do ask for its always met with refusal or done a few times then back to normal.
I have several other issues in my relationship-
Phone use
Intimacy
Emotional support
No help the the children
Him doubting my opinion/knowledge to name a few

I am besotted with this man I've never felt love towards him like it. I dont want to leave him so that's out of the question.
I need advise on how to help/manage these issues and see what is normal or not in my relationship. I fell very lonely at the moment.
I'm sorry for the long winded post.

Honestly it does sound like you want to be able to dictate how your partner relaxes during his own down time and if it’s not your way then it’s the wrong way.

Working nights is incredibly hard and takes a toll on you that doesn’t happen no matter how hard you work during normal daytime hours.

Your bf really isn’t doing anything wrong by wanting to look at his phone and go to bed when he’s ready.

Plenty of people work long and late hours. They don’t check out of family life and helping with the kids!

No one can work those hours long term

hours he worked (10am-1am)
Is 15 hours
How many days a week?

There are LOTS of jobs in retail management around - could he look for something else with better hours?

I think you might feel better if you stop trying to manage him on top of looking after a very small baby and a young child, and the home, and yourself! At this stage of your lives, it's totally relentless, you've said yourself you're exhausted. Focus on yourself and the kids, and leave him to it. TBH he doesn't sound very nice, but then he is probably exhausted as well working those ridiculous hours.

Can you see any sign of this changing soon?

Those are his old hours in his old job. He has two jobs now one is 5days a week the other job is two days a week which over lap job one is 7:30am-2:30pm second job is 7pm-11pm for 5 days a week he is home by no later than 3pm plenty of time to have down time all be it when kids are in bed and I'm down stairs in my eyes there is no need for extreme bedtime hours when his hours are day hours when I go back to work in a month or two we'll only have one night a week to spend together without kids being awake so I'm trying to see him as much as possible before work commitments take over

If he works 15hrs a day there isn't time for much else so in that respect you are being too demanding.

It's a bit passive aggressive him joing on jis phone if you choose a movie, and it doesn't sound like he's making any attempts to compromise

*his phone

Nope no compromise never sees the wrong in anything he does and doesnt think his behaviour needs changing all i get is "this is who i am" even though its obvious that it's having an affect on me and the children

Read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (Discreetly - you can download on kindle app) and then see how you feel about this man and think about how you want to deal with the issues at hand over the short/medium/long term.

It may not reasonate with you, but it’s very insightful and compassionate and I think you’ll find it provides a useful perspective to be aware of as your relationship progresses.

This doesn’t sound good op. He sounds uncompromising. He needs to do some childcare though, that is non-negotiable. It’s hard to work out all the hours you’ve said, but it sounds like he’s getting more ‘down time’ than any parent I know.

LTB

So its ok for him to pick a film sit on his phone do nothing you want to do but its a You problem

sorry if he isnt willing to compromise its over

who has a 2 hour bath anyway

Ok he works shifts so doesn't have a "regular day off" so here's a typical outlook on the day in this house hold.

6am-7am his alarm will go off every 5 minutes im a light sleeper so I start my day at 6am

He leaves for work at 7:15am

I get out of bed at 7am to get dressed before the kids wake up

Feed baby at 7:30am + wake up 4 year old

Breakfast 8am

All 3 kids dressed and ready to leave the house at 8:25 for school/nursery run

(12 year old doesn't need help only with her hair)

It's a hour round trip for nursery run so get home 9:30am

Bottle and bum change anywhere between 10:30-11am

Do any quick jobs chores between 11-11:30am

Nursery run 11:30am-12:30pm

Lunch

Settle baby at 1pm for a nap

Do big chores/play with 4yr old

Bottle and bum change 2:30pm

Partner home at 3pm straight on the switch with 4year old or looking at cars on his phone

Baby nap time 3:30-4pm

More chores usually clothes washing his work clothes

Bottle and bum change 5-5:30pm

I make dinner

I clean up after dinner

I bath two youngest

Partner does toddler bedtime 8pm

I do Bottle and bedtime for baby 8:30pm

He gets in the bath at 8:30pm and is finished 10:30pm

I watch a little bit of TV while he's bathing
Once he's finished sorting his work bag and evening snacks out its 11pm by this point I'm absolutely knackered

I fall asleep, wake up around 12am to go to bed

He comes to bed 4-5am

Then we repeat everyday

My baby sleeps through the night but on the occasion that she wakes in the night (at the moment due to growth spurt) he doesn't help either ignores her crys or says "you got this im going to bed" once I've brought her down stairs

What a weird set up. It almost sounds like he's deliberately spending as little time as possible with you.

Why is he working so many jobs and hours? Is it financially essential or by his choice?

2 hours in the bath is crazy.

How come he can be on his phone whenever he pleases but you can't?

This is a shit relationship but it sounds ideal for him!

It sounds like he’s working more hours then he can psychologically handle. 15 hours a day most days? My husband works 12 hours a day 5-6 days a week and I allow him chill time whenever he needs it, but I do insist that he goes on days out with us and makes time now and again.
i think you both need to communicate your needs very clearly and come up with some compromise.

He sounds like a selfish arsehole. What exactly does he bring to your life?

So he's surviving on 3 hours sleep a night? Is he sleeping in the bath?

You need to change work hours it's just not conducive to a healthy relationship or family time. We've been there I worked the opposite shifts to my partner for 2 years it nearly broke us we had to BOTH compromise including financially to get a better work life balance and we both worked minimum wage jobs so we were not and still are not rolling in it. Sometimes you just have to choose what's more important for us it was our family xx

Well, I'm not sure what's so loveable about him for a start.

He won't change. He doesn't want to or need to. So...you either put up with it, getting more and more resentful or you leave and start living the way you want to

You’re besotted with a man who spends no time with you, doesn’t help bring up his own kids, is always on his phone, gives no emotional support, questions your knowledge and opinions and has issues with intimacy?

What’s attractive about that?

He goes to bed 4/5am and gets up 6 to 7am for work?!?! Huh?!?! No one can do that long term. That's crazy!!

The 2 hour baths a day are very odd and not normal.

You might be utterly in love with this person but it doesn't sound he is particularly into you, almost like he goes out of his way to avoid you.

If this has always been like this, I'm not sure why you had another child with this guy?!?!

He sounds absolutely shit, why on earth are you besotted with him?

Having a 2 hour bath that takes up pretty much the whole of what most would consider the prime evening time is crap and selfish in and of itself, and it sounds like he does fuck all with the kids as well. It sounds like you're staying up too late to try and spend time with him and then not actually getting anything out of it.

I'm not seeing the attraction here.

This doesn't seem like new behaviour so the question is why did you stay in a relationship with him in the early days? It's sounds like even then he barely spent any time with you.

He's not going to change now, this is who he is.