Is my boyfriend being selfish or am I a needy girlfriend

[Qwerty28]

Dear mumsnet!

Long time reader, first time poster so go easy on me please. I need some advice help or guidance im not sure what, with my current relationship. I have no friends or family support so mumsnet I'm asking for your support.

I've been in a relationship with my partner for 6 years now, i have three beautiful children (eldest from previous relationship) other two from current relationship youngest being 4 months old, so as you can imagine at the moment I'm exhuasted physically and mentally.

A little about me before I let you know about my relationship issues. Im being 100% honest and I know some of these are not pleasant traits to have. I'm a very shy person I'm described as an introvert I have low confidence and self esteem I have jealous and needy tendencies I will always go out of my way to help people even if it damages my mental health ive also in the past suffered with anxiety and depression.

Since the beginning of my relationship my partners sleeping habits have been difficult to handle but understandable due to the hours he worked (10am-1am) his finishing time was 11pm but more often than not had to stay on late to get jobs done pleasures of being a retail manager. We had no alone couple time as I was always asleep by the time he came home. Every night he will spend two hours in the bath even to this day and wouldn't come to bed before 6am due to needing down time then woke up 30minutes before work got ready and left, the bedtime hours were the same on days off but wouldnt get out of bed untill around 3pm. This was fine I got grumpy with it due to lack of time together but I understood (pre kids) this has since improved only because a change in jobs the spending time together has not changed!.
He works two jobs which I appreciate whole heartedly I have to work around him so I work late evenings/nights (on maternity leave atm) we cannot change this dynamic due to financial reasons. So as a result of this our together time is limited. When we do spend time together I have to wait for him to come down from his bath usually around 10:30pm ish he'll pick the film/programme (if I pick he'll spend the evening on his phone) he made comments in the past that I use my phone two much around him so I have made a habit of not using it during our time I also mentioned he's on his phone too much to which he full on denies and hasn't done anything about. I usually fall asleep on the sofa no more than 10 minutes into watching something as I'm exhusted of doing 100% of the child care everyday. I wake up to YouTube on the telly and him on his phone scrolling through sm (if i am able to stay awake he doesnt talk and picks up and puts down his phone constantly its also forever going off. He tells me I'm controlling (because I ask him to put his phone down) just like his brother girlfriend she psychotic and refuses help this comment made me cry as I'm nothing like that he saw how upset it made me but never apologised) i then wake up and go to bed ( around midnight) and he continues to stay down stairs until 4-5am on his phone this makes me extremely upset I've expressed to him multiple times that I'd like us to start going to bed together but he refuses to see it as a problem only says "it's a you problem"
Am I in the wrong for wanting him to come to bed with me or to leave his phone alone? I dont ask for much in my relationship but the things I do ask for its always met with refusal or done a few times then back to normal.
I have several other issues in my relationship-
Phone use
Intimacy
Emotional support
No help the the children
Him doubting my opinion/knowledge to name a few

I am besotted with this man I've never felt love towards him like it. I dont want to leave him so that's out of the question.
I need advise on how to help/manage these issues and see what is normal or not in my relationship. I fell very lonely at the moment.
I'm sorry for the long winded post.

He didn't move in after the first date it was well over a year. He was fine when we didn't have kids, that or I didn't take much notice of his bad habits but since being here and having the children it's becoming unbearable

That's an important point billy made that I forgot to mention. If I were you, as part of your plan to work towards control of your own life, I would make sure not to have any more children with him. And speaking of control, that intervention he made about your personal savings is a very bad sign of wanting control over you. What if you want to take out some money to spend on yourself from the joint savings account? To treat yourself to some clothes or an outing or whatever? Do you ever do that and do you need his approval to do it? What is that joint saved money supposed to be for and has he decided that or have you both?

In any case, you need some separation of money that you control, such as your own personal savings account, and one that he doesn't know about and doesn't have access to.

Given the overall picture and this latest instance of his behaviour I would very definitely speak to the women's aid or similar about your situation. They will understand very well the trap, the vulnerabilities, what you could do to change your life for the better and your need for support.

I don’t think you are besotted with him deep down. I think you want to feel loved so you trick yourself into thinking you love him.

His behaviour at best is very odd and at worst quite worrying.

I think this situation has crept up on you and you’ve got used to it which has meant you’ve acccepted it but it’s not okay.
Personally I wouldn’t be able to have sex weekly with any partner that isn’t pulling their weight - not to punish them but for the pure fact I couldn’t feel any desire for a man that treats me like that.

I think priorities are a) an escape fund b) not quitting your job c) childcare - hopefully some new funding and as the children ever older this will free you up a bit. Please also get some long term contraception like implant.

Start making your escape route without letting on at all

This is so sad to read. I think you'll be much happier on your own

I do not want anymore children I have told him this, I told him he needs the snip wether he took me serious or not it wasn't obvious. Due to a hormone imbalance and severe hormone related epilepsy I'm unable to go on 99% of contraception the ones I am allowed on I have tried in the past but do not agree with me on a mental front and also physical. I'm in contact with my neurologist monthly and have been for the last 15 years and he's advised not to take anything just use condoms. I'm taking the advise from my neurologist thats looked after me every step of the way since the beginning of my diagnosis. My children weren't planned found out at hospital I was pregnant through routine tests I needed a non cancerous growth removed. At that point in out relationship we were fine I didn't see nothing wrong with it so I made the decision to keep the baby I also gave him the opportunity to leave the relationship he said no and stayed. My youngest I found out when I was 15 weeks pregnant only because I collapsed at work again hospital told me I am I was very shocked as we were using protection I didn't want a abortion if I was irresponsible enough to make a baby then I have to take the responsibility to look after and love the baby I love all my children whole heartedly I would not change them for the world.

Everything we earn goes in the joint account at the beginning of the month we calculate how much is for all bills subscriptions etc what's spare is divided equally I put some in the joint savings so does he then I live off the rest through the month.

In my pervious relationship (eldest dad) he physical mentally and financially abused me I was with him 5 years every time I tried leaving him he would break my fingers kick me black and blue in not so obvious places or once shaved my hair off or cut my clothes up I was too scared to leave my last straw was at his mums birthday party that I organised when he gragged me by my hair infront of his mum and beat the shit out of me and his mums appaulded him egging him on. I ran for my life that night luckily my eldest was at a family members so was safe I didn't look back to this day I get death threats from him weekly because "I took his daughter away from him"

That being said I budget my spends a week whatever is left over goes in the saving (personal) then live off the next weeks budget its how I've lived for the last 12 years I'm scared to have nothing again so I'm very careful with money I do treat myself but not often if other stuff needs buying.

There's £6k in the savings for my partner to replace the car I allowed a budget of 3k but he's moved the goal posts as he always does to 5k

I'm in way feel fearful for mine and my children's safety. When I'm at breaking point and start shouting he doesn't like it and listens and behaves (he's a man child for sure) very rarely I raise my voice so it shocks everyone when I do im just frustrated with his stubbornness thinking he deserves a laid back easy life while mine drags behind me how hard is it to help out in the mornings by not staying in bed going to bed at a reasonable time and show my some loving and emotional Support.

You're right I do want to feel loved everyone is entitled to that he thinks what he already gives out is enough. I know see it's not as my everything needs aren't met I'm trying to pour from a cup that's empty his response to that is " its not my job to make you happy" no shit sherlock but it is his job to make sure I'm doing alright and if I need help and support then be there other than just standing around staring while I struggle.

It certainly has crept up on me and I kick myself for not seeing it sooner.

I'm 100% not interested in going anywhere near him sexual wise at the moment, he feels like a lodger not a partner.

I have no intention of quitting my job I need to to stay sane. If I leave now I'll be back to square one and in not a good place. My kids need the best mum if that takes a few years to achieve mental health, funds, security then ill live like this it won't be pleasant but I'm sure the reward will be worth while in the long run

** I do not feel fearful

You sound like you have your head screwed on now and reassuring to hear you aren’t going to leave your job and you are going to make a plan.

I can’t work out if you are or aren’t fearful of leaving him but do remember the stat that men are their most dangerous if they know or think you are going to leave so you need to be really careful about leaving first and then continuing the conversation about break up from a safe distance.

wishing you all the luck in the world, you sound like an amazing mum.

Thank you I really appreciate your input im a very private person. I can talk freely on here as no one knows me but when I'm ready to leave he will not see it happen until its happened

Please reach out to Women's aid for support.

You are so vulnerable not being able to use contraception.

Tell them how vulnerable you are.

It's all so complicated Querty, with your finances and health condition and avoiding pregnancy and looking after the three children you have already. And then considering what you have been through in the past. I am glad that you have a neurologist looking after you. It's important to take care of yourself. The thing is there is no indication that he will do anything about the snip. Can you even trust him with any contraception or can you get him to go - you were using protection and yet you still got pregnant. Can you risk that again? How would he take if you insisted he goes for it?

And the finances - he's earning twice as much as you. He does two jobs, fair enough and I know for some men, working and earning money is how they see their role in the family. It's how they show support. But you are still paying half of the family expenses. So why does he have any say over the rest of your money? And why isn't he paying proportionately more than you for the upkeep of the family considering relative earnings and that he does nothing for household or children? Do you put equal amounts into the joint saver? What does he do with the rest of the money? There are so many issues around this and of course, different ways you can look at who should pay and how much.

As far as leaving him eventually, as you hope and plan, an aspect of this is whether he should be the one to leave and you and the children stay - if I understand correctly, the house was yours to begin with so shouldn't you keep it as a home for yourself and children and tell him to go? Otherwise wouldn't you be making yourself homeless? And where would you go?

It's vital that you get some support with all of this. It's worrying that you have no one in your real life to confide in or boost your morale. I would urge you once again to contact a women's or local help organisation to talk to, even if you don't want to or don't feel like it. Once you've done it you will be glad you did it. It's good you can post here and we can respond but it's not the same as being in person or directly helping as we only have partial knowledge and insight into what may be going on. We worry about the situation you and your children are in and have questions as much as answers about this man and his behaviour and motivations.

Amazing that you managed to have a child considering that you don't seem to spend anytime together.

This sounds exactly like my baby's father was treating me just before he picked a fight and walked out when I was 8 months pregnant... the more he pulled away like this the more anxious I got. I would really really recommend asking your gp to refer you to counseling, you can do it on video call and they will really help you to see what's a you issue, what's an us issue etc. my baby is also now 4 months pregnant and although I'm still devastated about what happens, I don't miss that side of him and him treating me like that (I do miss the first year we had together which sounds like a similar honeymoon period to you).

A 'tip' if you want to try might be to agree a time a week where you have 'date night' or morning off phones and connecting with each other. If he is still invested in the relationship he should agree to that!

This looks great thank you for recommending

Just read this comment- literally what my baby's father used to say to Me, im the problem, I need to sort out my anxiety, 'your personality is so unattractive right now having sex with you would be fake'

He walked out on me just before baby was born. Im bringing him up now staying with my parents, reading your posts is making me actually grateful that he left as it shows what he would have been like towards me if he'd stayed. You are worth so much more than how he is treating you, it's not your fault, please talk to a counsellor (your gp can refer you for free they prioritize new mums) or your health visitor xxxxx

Why not have an IUD fitted? No hormones and no sign of them once they’re in place.

I've been thinking tonight. Would it be a good idea to confide in his sister for advise on her brother she out of the whole family knows him best as they're very close. I dont want to reach out in a way that's going to piss him off or for her to go off on him I don't want him to come out with "why you getting my sister involved" I want to approach her for insite to see if what he's doing being a lazy arse and no emotional support is normal for him. It might be a lost cause but worth a try?

I've tried both plus the implant all the pills that I'm allowed and the injection all of which made me extremely poorly

“when he brings it up and occasionally says you wouldn't have x.y.z if it wasn't for me.”

what a cunt.

Sounds like my ex. Except my ex didn't work, but he did have a weird sleeping pattern, was always on his gaming and said "That sounds like a you problem". Charming. I left him.

It doesn't sound sustainable at all op, and he won't change. Sorry 💐

Keep your personal account, put as much in it as you can. Go to bed when you can, if he says you’re not putting an effort in say it’s been years since you put an effort in welcome to the club. You get my company when I next get you cooking a meal and looking after the children while I lounge around in the bath. Also we are next having sex once you’ve had the snip, you don’t look after your current children and I can’t afford any more.

all I can say to you is please fall out of love as fast as you can because he does nothing for you or his children.

Not worth a try.

The only thing worth your time is planning to dump this shit heel.

You know this isn't how a happy and fulfilling relationship should be, getting his sister involved is pointless.

This.

Leave his sister alone.

He is lazy selfish scum.

Accept it and organise yourself.

Speak to Women's aid for support.

I wouldn’t speak to the sister. She will definitely some element of loyalty to him and the risk she shares what you tell her with him - even twists it - is too high. You’re just going to cause yourself extra grief and problems and also let him know you are plotting behind his back

No. What Holly said. You do need someone to talk to but you can't see her as your confidante. Female solidarity and all that but...

Divided loyalties, fallings out and in, accusations, suspicions, insinuations, betrayals, blaming back and forth about who said and did what to whom behind backs - you risk causing a world of problems and bringing fire on yourself from one or more likely both of them and the rest of their family, leaving yourself even more alone and vulnerable in a war that you inadvertently started and can damage you more than them.

And all for nothing probably, as even a sister, though close, will know him in certain ways but won't necessarily know personal sides of him, including how he lives and spends his time, what he's like as a partner and to live with in a relationship and so on.